December 29 - Friday Funny - Next?

My Grandma always said that FAMOUS PEOPLE DIE IN SETS OF THREES.

This week we have lost Former President Gerard Ford and James Brown.

Here is the list of the candidates that might complete the death triumvirate in the next two weeks.

1. Saddam Hussein – OK, that’s a lay-up.

2. Billy Graham – He does have a prayer.

3. Kevin Federline – Oops, my bad, I did say famous.

4. Fidel Castro – He looks like he being animated by Walt Disney.

5. Rosie O’Donnell – She shouldn’t have pissed off Donald Trump. When was the last time anyone saw Omarosa?

6. Ashton Kucher – Bruce Willis is going to extremely PUNK this guy.

7. Someone in the movie Jackass 2 - It’s inevitable. Like people were shocked when the Crocodile Hunter checked out of the life hotel a bit early.

8. Ruby Muhammed – She was born on March 20, 1897, which makes her 109.

9. Zsa Zsa Gabor – She is 89. Her career died 40 years ago.

10. I.M. Pei – The famed architect is 89. His friend, Seymour Hiney, died when I was a kid.

11. Andy Rooney – He is 87. You ever wonder …..

Please feel free to add your prediction to the list.

December 27 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - GW Bush

This week’s Where Are They Now? Wednesday is George W. Bush.

Actually it is where would GW Bush be had Gerald Ford had been Ronald Reagan’s Vice President?

Let me step back.

Gerald Ford the 38th President from 1974-1977 died on Tuesday. He was 93. Tragically, news organizations are trying to determine the cause of death, was it pneumonia or congestive heart failure or doctor error? Let me solve this mystery. He WAS 93! He died of old age. We should all be so lucky.

In 1980, when I was just coming into my political awareness, the Republican Convention was held in Detroit, MI. Ronald Reagan had won the Republican nomination and was set to square off against the incumbent President Jimmy Carter in the national election. The only mystery was who would be Reagan’s running mate?

One rumor was that former President Gerald Ford would be on the ticket. The only point of contention was an obscure term that was coined, “Co-Presidency.” Ford wanted more powers than the ceremonial duties of attending the state funerals. Reagan was a shoo-in for election and did not need Ford. Under Carter, there was double-digit inflation, 19% interest rates, and the Iranian hostage crisis was lingering. Reagan said, “Thanks, but No Thanks” and took George Bush, Sr. as his VP.

The rest is history.

But I wonder, what would history have been like had Reagan and Ford come to terms.

George Bush would NOT have been the incumbent VP in 1988 when he ran against Michael Dukakis. Ford would have been 75 in 1988 and maybe would not have run. Or maybe he would have pulled a Glover Cleveland. Another probable and possible successor to Reagan would have been Bob Dole. At any rate, ANYONE could have beaten Dukakis.

But most importantly if George Bush Sr. does not win in 1988, George W. Bush does not become Governor of Texas and certainly does not win the presidency in 2000. He would still be operating a mid-sized, money losing, Oil Company in Midland TX.

When you watch the Ford funeral this week, pay close attention to Al Gore. He will be weeping the loudest and longest.

Ironically, Jeb Bush will pay the largest price. He is obviously the smarter brother. He will be forever tainted by his brother’s legacy.

The phrase “Co-Presidency” will become part of the vernacular in 2008. Hillary Clinton and her ilk will infuse the term into her Presidential run. She will try to conjure up her own memories of a Camelot in the 1990s. She will be a revisionist historian as she tells us how great Bill was, and how we will be getting him in the package when voting for her.

Bill Clinton tried to use a similar refrain when he stated in 1992, “that you get 2 for 1, if you vote for me.” Bill continued this talk until his wife’s numbers started to bring him down.

Speaking of going down, I expect if Bill Clinton hits the campaign trail, we will see archived news footage of Monica Lewinsky in 2008 as well. I guess her 15 minutes will never end.

December 25 - Merry Christmas

This is the statement I inserted into all of my “Holiday” cards this year.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

It was a “tongue in cheek” slap to all of the Political Correctness that is smothering us. So in the true CHRISTMAS spirit, Merry Christmas to All.

Below is a picture of my Mom and me from 1987. She was the head administrator of an Independent Living facility. It was the last exit on the aging highway that dead-ends at a nursing home. For several years I would be Santa and give each resident a nominal gift. But no matter, how trivial the gift, each resident would beam with delight at the small gesture. THAT was the true meaning of Christmas.

With Christmas landing on a Monday this year, I thought I would NOT provide a PET PEEVE, and I won’t. But I WILL provide an UPDATE to a prior PET PEEVE.

I blogged about Inappropriate Gifts on December 4.

These are the gifts that have too many pieces, require too many batteries, make too much noise, or are not age appropriate. Thank you to all of those that read the blog and decided to fall in line with my beliefs and judgments. Believe me, my world and your’s would be a better place if more people would take note of my suggestions.

However there were a few gifts that were snuck in under my Gift-dar.

1. Whom ever gave my 8 year-old daughter ear rings for pieced ears, thank you so much. Does a gift certificate for body piecing or tattoos also come with the gift? I have already legislated that my girls will not get their ears pieced until they are 16.

2. My son also received two Inappropriate Gifts. One requires 6 AA batteries and 9 volt battery. The other gift, pictured below, has 163 small parts. Thank you and I know where you live.

My gift to my family was Trivial Pursuit, The Book Lover’s Edition.

There were other versions like Nickelodeon or Cartoon Lovers, but I decided to enhance their brains rather than contain them. No batteries, noise, or chewable pieces, just the sounds of laughter and transfer of knowledge to the next generation.

FYI, bottles of champagne are still OK as New Year’s gifts.

December 22 - Friday Funny - XMAS Yard Displays

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY deals with XMAS yard displays. I used to go all out and add more and more stuff to my yard display each year. Here is a a picture from last year.

It featured an alien, a pig, the ghost of Christmas Past and Christmas Future, Shrek, Brutus Buckeye, 2 reindeer, a sleigh, and Santa Claus.

However, the below video convinced me to sale back my display as to not to be a vandalism target. Someone attacked a 12 foot Frosty The Snowman with a screwdriver. Luckily, the video identified the culprits and they have been apprehended.

I

My display this year is just 2 reindeer, a sleigh, and Santa. But, wait something is amiss, or rather, missing. It's Santa's head. Oh, you cruel, cruel, grinches. What have you done with Santa's head?

Relax, it just fell off during transport. It's not like it's Brain Surgery, or is it?

December 20 - Where Are They Now? Year-End Review

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY (WATN) is an update about previous postings in 2006.

I first provided updates on three previous blogs about Jennifer Wilbanks, Katie Couric, and Star Jones on October 11.

Now, as my last WATN blog of 2006, I’ll provide an update on other blog subjects.

March 29 – Illegal Aliens – Surprisingly, Congress, the opposite of Progress, has done nothing on Immigration Reform. Thanks, or should I say Gracious.

April 5 – Katie Couric – Katie is now consistently third in the nightly news ratings, as I predicted on September 5. She even finished seventh in the Los Angeles market, behind Seinfeld, Friends, and Knight Rider.

April 18 – George Michael – George has been arrested two more times since I profiled him. If he would only be more offensive or racist like Mel Gibson or Michael Richards and less gay like Lance Bass or Clay Akins, he might get more press and be worthy of a come back.

May 2 - Five People I’ll Meet in Hell – Star Jones – Star was fired from “The View” in July. I also featured her on a WATN on June 28. To date, she has not been heard from again.

May 9 – O.J Simpson - We almost made it through the year without an OJ sighting. However, this lower than scum parasite tried to cash in on his murderous action.

June 2 – John Kerry – Kerry decided to be in the spotlight even though he wasn’t running, as I updated on November 1. Kerry offended everyone with his election eve joke about military intelligence. Please run in 2008, please.

June 8 – Jason Larue – The Reds finally read my blog and decided to trade this loser. Unfortunately, it was 3 seasons, 38 passed balls, 320 strikeouts, and $10 million too late.

July 3 – Vince Vaughn- Jennifer Anniston – Pulling a page from the “I can’t believe they didn’t stay together” file, these two perennial role models broke up. Huh, if these two can’t make it, is there hope for any of us?

July 17 – Pope Benedict – He did more than I could ever hope to accomplish. He offended over a billion people as I updated on September 15. I guess he isn’t infallible after all. How do you say “My Bad” in Latin?

July 31 – Pet Peeve – Children on Phones - I’m still getting calls from children, STOP IT.

August 4 – OSU is #1 – OSU started as #1 and through 12 games is still # 1. GO BUCKS.

August 19 - John Mark Carr – He was let go after it was determined he had lied about his involvement in the Jon Benet Ramsey murder case. The things that people will do to get an upgrade to First Class when flying. Sick.

August 28 - Award Show Gift Bags - The Oscars has decided in December 2006 to no longer provide $100K gift bags to presenters because of IRS issues.

August 29 – Hurricanes - The National Weather Service predicted 2006 would be a record-breaking year for named Hurricanes. Turns out, Al Gore and all were wrong. Zero hurricanes hit the US in 2006. I guess the wind in their sails was just a bunch of hot air.

October 2- The Therapy Excuse - I commented about people going into therapy after being caught being bad. Since my blog, Michael Richards and Miss USA also took that route. I wish that excuse was available when I got a “D” on a biology exam in 1978.

November 6 – Vote FOR Issue 5 - I encouraged all to vote for Issue 5 and it passed overwhelmingly. The problem was that people decide to break the law anyway as I detailed on my December 11 blog.

Here is an index of my Where Are They Now? Wednesday? Blogs.

December 18 - Pet Peeve Monday - Year End Compilations

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is Year-End Compilations.  It happens every December:

• The year in review in music, sports, news, literary existentialists, etc.


• Top 100 Song Countdowns


• Ten Worst Dressed Celebrities


• The Ten News Stories That Changed the World

My favorite is the photo montages they play at the end of newscasts accompanied by sad, sad music of all the people that died that year.  How do they decide what order to scroll the pictures of the poor departed souls?  Is it alphabetically, chronologically, or by that person’s perceived level of importance?

I use it as an exercise to practice my math.  I yell out the ages of the person that died.  Quick, 2006-1934?  71, no 72.  Actually, to be honest it depends on their actual birthday and death day.

With next week being Christmas, this is the last true Monday of the year.  So ironically, I will provide a summary or compilation, if you must, of my 2006 Pet Peeves.  

I’ve also added a quick link to the right side menu, so that you can be reminded at any time during the year as to what bothers me.

Here is a summary of my 2006 PET PEEVES.  Asterisks represent blogs that have received interesting feedback (always favorable, of course) from readers.

April 3 – Daylight Savings Time
April 10 – Disorganized / Distracted Grocery Shoppers
April 17 – Everything Has To Be Political
April 24 – Failure to STOP

May 1 – Illegal Immigrants **
May 8 – Highway Rock Gathers **
May 15 – One Name Celebrities
May 22 – TV Series Finales
May 29 – Jimmy Hoffa Search

June 5 –Commencement Speakers
June 12 – Athletes without Helmets **

July 3 – Exploited Holidays
July 10 – Can I have Fries with that Poor Service? **
July 17 – Second Amendment **
July 24 - Newsreaders Gone Wild
July 31 – Children on Phones**

August 21 – Phobias**
August 28 – Reality Show Racist

September 18 – Geneva Convention Revisions
September 25 – Revisionist Historians

October 2 – Do Not Pass Go, Go Straight to Rehab**
October 9 – Media Pollsters
October 16 – Do Not Call Lists
October 23 – No Talking Zone**

November 6 – Non-Voters
November 13 – The Wave
November 20 – Fragile Children**
November 27 – Iraqi Uncivil War

December 4 – Inappropriate Gift Giving
December 11 – No smoking MEANS NO SMOKING**

December 15 - Friday Funny - MacGyver

December 13 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Dr. Death

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Kevorkian is the Doctor that was convicted of murder for performing assisted suicide for terminally ill people.

Kevorkian has been serving a 10- to 25-year sentence for second-degree murder. After more than eight years behind bars for murder, an ailing Dr. Jack Kevorkian will be paroled in June on a promise not to help anyone else commit suicide, prison officials said Wednesday.

Corrections Department spokesman Russ Marlan said the parole board took the 78-year-old Kevorkian's declining health into consideration, along with the question of whether the former pathologist would be a danger to society.

Kevorkian is suffering from hepatitis C and diabetes. His weight has dropped to 113 pounds and that he had less than a year to live. Maybe even less if he does get paroled in June, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking.

People have told me that I have some good solutions to some of our most urgent problems. But these same solutions are why I could never get elected.

I’m for Physician-assisted suicide. I’m even for citizen- assisted suicide. If I’m at party and I’m not happy, I leave.

People should have the same option for this party called life. Too many times, people decide they can’t go on so they decide to kill themselves. The only problem is that they usually want to take a few people with them. It is sometimes their “loved” ones or their children. Other times it is total strangers. As we enter the Christmas season, the daily headlines will no doubt be filled with the man in Wisconsin that killed his wife and three kids before turning the gun on himself because he couldn’t go on.

If these terminally focused people were given a legal and sanctioned way out, maybe they would just leave the party quietly and leave the innocents alone.

People are Pro-Choice with their bodies when it comes to abortion. It seems that being Pro-Suicide would be a natural progression of that thought.

Just a thought.

December 11- Pet Peeve Monday - No smoking means NO SMOKING

On November 7th, voters in Ohio passed Issue 5 by a wide margin. Issue 5 was the measure that eliminated smoking and second-hand smoke from restaurants, bars, bowling alleys and most public venues. I had encouraged people to support this measure in my November 6th blog. Issue 5 had 67.3% approval in the Cincinnati region.

This week’s PET PEEVE is NOT about the lawyers who are now trying to undo the will of the people, through injunctions, lawsuits, and general double speak.

The State of Ohio, as any bureaucracy, was not ready to provide penalties when the smoking ban took effect on December 7. The pro-smoking lobby and supporters took this as “A Get Out of Jail Free” card. They have instructed people to “smoke ’em if you got ’em” until penalties are defined.

This week’s PET PEEVE is directed at all of the people that are STILL SMOKING in bars and restaurants in DIRECT VIOLATION OF THE LAW.

Here’s a novel idea: how about NOT breaking the law? Do you really need the threat of punishment in order to do the right thing? I believe social scorn should be enough penalty should someone light up.

Since when do we have the choice as to what laws to obey and what laws to ignore?

One of my early PET PEEVES had to do with people who DO NOT STOP at STOP signs. It applies here as well.

You cannot decide which laws to follow. There are parts of our constitution that don’t thrill me, (2nd Amendment). However, I respect it because it is the law of our country. Without law and order, we would have anarchy and chaos.

The smoking ban is IN EFFECT as of December 7. The people have spoken by an overwhelming majority. We voted to take back our personal health, and to eliminate smoking and second hand smoke in public places.

I will not patronize any businesses that do not comply with the “No Smoking” law just because penalties have not been determined. It is the law. If they chose not to follow this law, how can I be assured that they are following other fire, safety, and health laws? Maybe, they will try to squeeze a few more meals out of that expired meat or poultry because no one is looking. If I find someone smoking in a restaurant, I will hand the business manager the following card and quietly take myself and my money elsewhere.

The proprietors that ignore the ban say that they need the smokers for their revenues. What they fail to realize is that their economics may improve when they are smoke-free. They feel they will comply when penalties are in place. What they have miscalculated is that some people, including myself, will not patronize their businesses now or at any point in the future because of their criminal behavior.

When I find businesses that do follow the law, I will leave the below card.

Opponents to the ban are predicting “chaos” because of the ban. They expect enormous business failures, mass migrations to Kentucky, and the downfall of society as we know it.

Here is my prediction. People will once again be able to socialize with their friends and families without having to immediately shower upon returning home. The people provided a clear mandate that they wanted clean air when they dine, drink, or dance.

Bon Appétit

Note: If anyone wants copies of the cards to print out for yourself, please send me an email request.

To report non-compliant businesses: The toll-free number is 1-866-559-OHIO. Otherwise, you can notify them online at nosmoke@odh.ohio.gov

December 10 - Heisman Trophy

On Saturday night, Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith captured college football’s most prestigious player award, The Heisman Trophy.

It seems like it was just 2002 when Jim Tressel pulled a great coup by landing the #1 rated High School quarterback recruit, Justin Zwick. Troy Smith was also in that recruiting class. It makes you wonder what 2003–2005 could have been had Troy emerged as the starting QB earlier.

I have my own piece of Heisman history.

While living in Northern California, I was the President of the Sacramento Valley OSU Alumni Club. Although you might think we could have held our meeting in a phone booth, actually we had almost 200 members.

On September 23, 1989, I took a group of Ohio State boosters to Los Angeles for an OSU football game against USC. We had over 30 people on the trip. Before the game, there was an OSU pep rally with over 2000 Buckeye faithful. The band played, the cheerleaders performed, and there was a raffle. I won an OSU football signed by the 4 Heisman Trophy winners from Ohio State.

Les Horvath, 1944
Vic Janowicz, 1950
Howard "Hopalong" Cassady, 1955
Archie Griffin, 1974-75

Someone offered me $2000 on the spot for the football, but I declined. It has probably increased in value as two of the players have since passed. OSU lost the game that day, 42-3.

In 1994, we were looking for a speaker for our annual banquet for the Sacramento OSU Alumni Club. We had secured Coach John Cooper as the headliner. The week before, Cooper informs us that he would only fly first class and he wanted to bring along 3 family members. Our club did not have enough money in the bank to cover the expense. Most of our fund raising was spent providing scholarships to people from Northern California who wanted to go to OSU. Being a club of small means, we declined Coach Cooper’s request.

Working with the OSU Alumni office in Columbus, we were able to get a replacement speaker: Archie Griffin. Archie was incredible. He was a class act. He answered questions, posed for pictures, and told us many wonderful Woody Hayes stories. He also did NOT bill our club for his travel expenses.

I met another OSU Heisman winner: Eddie George. George won the trophy in 1995. In January 2000, I was staying at the same Jacksonville hotel as the Tennessee Titans. They were preparing for the AFC Championship game against the Jaguars.

I saw Eddie in the hotel lobby and gave him a rowdy “O-H”. He responded in kind with an “I-O”. We talked for few minutes and I asked him if he missed OSU. He said, “Every Day.” I didn’t have my Heisman football with me, but I’m sure he would have signed it, if asked.

Eddie George represented himself and The University very well. He showed his continued passion for OSU Football when he showed up on the sidelines for the Texas and Michigan games this year. I have no doubt he will be in Glendale on January 8th.

Based on what I have heard about Troy Smith, I believe he will continue the tradition of class illustrated by Archie and Eddie.

Congratulations Mr. Smith.

December 8 - Friday Funny - An Appetizer

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY comes from Asia.

And you thought you were having a bad day.

I’ll bet you’ll think twice before singing, “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.”

December 7 - USA Today Letter

To quote the great, youth role model, Britney Spears, “Oops, I did it again.”

No, I didn’t go commando when I went shopping today. But, I did have another letter published by USA Today. Someone that had read my November 27 Pet Peeve suggested that I send a “Letter to the Editor.”

My blog that day was about NBC News making news themselves by deciding to declare that the Iraqi War was now a “Civil War.” Forget the facts, that by definition, it doesn’t qualify as a civil war.

USA Today did use “editorial license” to delete some parts of my rant. However, the sentiment is there.

My argument was only re-enforced by the release of the Iraqi Study Group report yesterday. Nowhere within their 84-page report does it call the conflict a Civil War.

Here is a scan of my USA TODAY letter.

December 5 - Happy Anniversary

Today marks my 14th wedding anniversary to Heidi. According to the official gift guide, 14 years should be celebrated with “Ivory.” That’s a relief, because having just returned from Africa; those elephant tusks should come in handy. It’s a good thing it wasn’t something hard to get like Polonium 210. Seriously, who came up with these standards?

I’m sure they have something Ivory-based at the local Hallmark store. If not, I know the perfect gift is in the soap isle of Kroger’s. At least I’m 99 and 44/100 % sure, it’s there.

As I reflect back on this day 14 years ago, I’m reminded that Heidi once told me three things after we met.

1. She was never getting married. (She didn’t specify to me, it was a general comment.)


2. She would never move out of California and definitely not to Ohio. (Today's high temperature is 28.)


3. She did not want to have any children. (Again, she didn’t specify with me, it was a general comment.)

She was zero for three to the third power on her predictions. Thank goodness she’s not a professional prognosticator. She must think Nostradamus is a nasal passage infection.

Below is a picture of Heidi and her three kids somewhere near their Ohio home. She actually was interviewed about having three kids, earlier this year.


When I asked Heidi about what was the secret to the longevity of our relationship when so many others fail. She replied, “Low Expectations.”

In all seriousness, she has been a great partner, wife, and mother.

Someone once asked me what it was like to be married to the perfect spouse. I replied, “I don’t know, ask my wife.”

Here we are at our outdoor Sacramento wedding, December 5, 1992.

December 4 - Pet Peeve Monday - Inappropriate Gifts

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is about Inappropriate Gift Giving. As we head into the Christmas season it appears to be quite timely.

This past Thanksgiving we started a new tradition within my extended family. I have three siblings and we have a total of 11 kids between us. Rather than send gifts from city to city throughout the year, we exchange all children birthday presents on Thanksgiving. Logistically, I’m OK with this new practice, if you get by my PET PEEVE about children birthday parties in general. But I’ll save that PET PEEVE for a later date.

This week’s PET PEEVE is for what a certain aunt (my sister) thinks are “appropriate gifts” for my kids.

First, my eight–year old has an artistic gene. She received a gift that involves dropping paint onto a spinning wheel. The paint makes an interesting kaleidoscope pattern on the paper. The wheel also plays music at the same time. The result should look something like a Jackson Pollock piece. Here’s the catch, if you tilt the spinner, the paint will also coat the walls, the floor, the dog, the table, and the artist. This is more like the splatter evidence from a CSI episode. And why do you need music? If this toy was invented in the 60’s it would have had LSD as an add-on accessory.

Her second gift for my six-year old boy was a construction kit with 480 small pieces. It was like the old erector sets only the pieces are all molded plastics. I guess the 1000 piece set was out of stock. The gift came with a 40-page instruction book on how to make boats, cars, helicopters, and various guns, (which are forbidden in our house). Here’s the problem, my son cannot read. The detailed instructions look like the blueprints for the space shuttle design. You also cannot assemble anything without adult help because the parts do not go together without brute strength. Additionally the parts must seem somewhat tasty because I have to perform the Heineken maneuver on my small dog whenever he chokes on piece #436.

Nice gifts, sis, I guess they were sold out of the board game, “Brokeback Mountain –the Home Game.”

But with Christmas coming, I am now in search of the perfect toy to reciprocate.

This toy should have the following characteristics:

• It should take 2 AA and one AAA, and a battery size that is out of stock.


• It should have over 1000 small pieces, many of them, moving pieces


• It should make noise; preferably at two levels. One sound should mimic the high shrill of fingernails on a chalkboard. Another sound should only be heard by dogs and water moccasins.


• It should give off a malodorous odor; or of something that my kids are allergic to, like dust or cats.


• It should require constant maintenance like watering or winding.


• It should be something that looks edible, but would require you to induce projectile vomiting if swallowed.


• It should be the subject of a recent recall because of spontaneous combustion issues.

Here’s a thought, how about giving my kids something useful like clothes. They are growing so fast, this is what they could use. Or what ever happened to good old US Savings Bonds. That’s what I received as a kid and look how I turned out. However, the best thing you can give your nieces and nephews is memories.

I still recall how Uncle Jake pulled up his shirt and showed me where he had his moles taken off. Now that is a memory that is timeless and priceless.

Six year old Jack and his choked-up dog, Brutus.

December 1 - Funny Friday - NASCAR

This is why I do not follow and never will attend a NASCAR event.