Nov. 27. 2009 - Friday Funny - Picture Review

This week's Friday Funny comes from a Jabberwocker in Wisconsin:

LOOK CLOSELY AT THIS PHOTO:

DID YOU NOTICE THE BUTTOCK OF THE GIRL IN THE BACKGROUND?

If So, scroll down...



IF YES,

THEN MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR EYE DOCTOR BECAUSE IT IS THE SHOULDER OF THE GIRL WHO IS TAKING A PHOTO!!!!!

Nov. 26, 2009 - Black Friday Solution

The Enquirer’s front page, top of the fold story today was, “10 Tips for Black Friday Success.”

It spoke about planning ahead, parking smartly, etc. I could have saved the Enquirer 1000 words and a lot of ink. My tip list is 3 words long: DO NOT GO.

I’m sure the Friday Night News will have a story about how some shopping mob trampled and maimed or killed someone because of all the hype. Check the archives, it happens every year.

I’ve solved the problem. What’s next?

Nov. 20. 2009 - FRIDAY FUNNY - Hitler on Rich Rodriguez

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from an OSU grad. I apologize for some of the language within the video, but it was too funny not to post.

The video is a dramatization of an actual University of Michigan athletic department meeting regarding the recent football program practice scandal.

GO BUCKS!!!

Nov. 19. 2009 - Health Care Deform

Yesterday’s Cincinnati Enquirer had an article titled, “Public Wants the Rich to Pay for Health Plan, Poll Finds.”

My response is why?

Last I checked, health care was not a provision guaranteed by the US Constitution.

I have no problem paying for someone’s health care, provided they mow my grass, paint my house, or watch my kids. These services would make them my employees. As such I would offer a health care option.

Being forced to pay for something because I have more marbles than someone else, doesn’t seem right.

Why is success such a negative attribute? I sacrificed to go to college. I took out student loans, ate Spam and Velveeta sandwiches and drank Buckhorn beer. Meanwhile, my contemporaries were making money and making life style choices.

Why should I now subsidize those that did not have the same drive to achieve a more affluent position?

Ironically, the original US Constitution stated only white males were eligible to vote, and most limited the vote to those white males who owned a certain amount of property. (In other words, if you were a renter, you couldn’t vote.) Since only a small minority of white males owned enough property to qualify, the vast majority of the population was denied the vote. By some estimates, less than 5% of the population were eligible to vote in the election of 1800.

The below passage is taken from Section 2, Article I, of the original US Constitution.“Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons.)”

According to our Fore Fathers, the wealthy should get a more proportional vote. Try that concept now.

So here we are some 220 years later with some people deciding that we need “Wealth Redistribution.”

This is nothing more than CLASS WARFARE. This philosophy has never worked in the past and will not work this time.

I'm all for universal health care. But if the health care is equal and "universal", then why should some pay more for the SAME services?

It would be great if we all took responsibility for our life decisions and results.

Dare to dream. This was once the American motto

Nov. 13, 2009 - Friday Funny - A Prayer

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from a Jabberwocker in New Jersey. This is just too beatuiful not to share.

A Daughter's Prayer for her Dad.

"Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on daddy's computer, Amen."

Nov.12, 2009 - Veteran's Day Observation

Was it me, or did it seem that more people including retailers celebrated Veteran’s Day this year?

Veterans were offered free meals at Applebee’s and Outback Steakhouse to name a few. I don't remember the same gesture last year.

I feel veterans should receive discounted meals EVERY day, not just one day a year. They are under paid and under appreciated.

It just seemed odd that they were more appreciated this year. Maybe it was the continuation of the “I'm not-George Bush” mentality.

BTW – How’s that Afghanistan decision coming Mr. Obama?

It’s only been 4 months and nine meetings. As the great philosopher Lee Iacocco once said, “Lead, Follow, or GET OUT OF THE WAY.”

Nov. 10, 2009 - The Death Penalty

John Allen Muhammad, the sniper who kept the Washington region paralyzed by fear for three weeks in 2002 as he and a young accomplice gunned down and killed 10 people at random, has been executed by lethal injection.

I don’t have a strong death penalty position as it relates to the argument that it is a deterrent. I do have a STRONG feeling in how it is delivered.

A more just punishment would have been to set Muhammad free. I would tell him that some time in the next 50 years he may or may not get taken out by a sniper. He may be pumping gas (like some of his victims), he may be shopping at the Home Depot (like some of his other victims), you just never know.

Death row inmates get too many appeals, too many courtesies, and live way too long after their punishment has been determined. We have death row inmates that claim that they are too fat to be injected. We have others that argue that lethal injection is inhumane. REALLY!!!!

Muhammad died a painless death and had time to make peace with it, UNLIKE HIS VICTIMS.

The only words the executioner should say when he is done is, NEXT!!!

Nov. 6, 2009 - Friday Funny- O-H-I-O

As the Ohio State football team heads into a pivotal three game schedule against Penn State, Iowa, and Michigan, I offer a picture of how some OSU alumni, and car dealers, used the "Clunkers-For-Cash" program to make a point.

These cars are awaiting the Obama government's approval as clunkers.

Go Bucks.

Nov. 5, 2009 - National Debt

Here a submission from a Jabberwocker in KY as the house plans to vote on a $1.2 TRILLION Health Care Reform (?) bill.

Nov. 2, 2009 - Ohio Issue #3

Tomorrow is Election Day in Ohio. I’ve taken the time to research most of the issues. I only feel strongly about Issue #3 – Casino Gambling.

While the drafting of the proposal is less than desired, the Ohio politicians have been inactive on the issue and have missed an opportunity. The legislature has time and time again refused to address the issue, and have left it up to the voters. If they had a better solution than a measure that rewrites the Ohio constitution then they should have offered it.

I have serious concerns about the logic behind the “NO on #3” position. They argue that the casino jobs won’t go to Ohio workers. Are workers going to commute from Vegas and Atlantic City?

All of the neighboring states, except KY, offer gambling. Ohio needed to do something to stop the money exodus.

The fact that the Catholic Church came out against the measure on moral grounds is hypocritical. The church has festivals with more gambling options than any casino could match. The church also offers weekly bingo games. Most Ohio bars offer keno and every gas station sells lottery tickets. Ohio people will gamble. Let’s gamble in Ohio.

I know I will spend my gambling dollars in Ohio, especially at a smoke-free facility.

The pundits are predicting a 35% voter turnout. How sad that we have the right to vote, but do not exercise it.

No matter your position on the issues, let your voice be heard and vote on Tuesday.

Oct. 31, 2009 - Happy Halloween

A Happy Halloween to all you Buckeye fans.

Oct. 30, 2009 - Halloween Costumes - BONUS PET PEEVE

I usually only post PET PEEVES on Mondays. But what is up with the PRE-PACKAGED HALLOWEEN COSTUMES?

On a recent trip to the store to purchase a costume for my pre-teen daughter, I was faced with the choices of a sexed-up cheerleader, a naughty Alice in Wonderland or a very “wicked’ witch. It’s like the only house in the costume designer’s neighborhood must be the Playboy Mansion.

"Halloween Booty" no longer refers to the your Trick or Treat candy accumulation.

This is where one of those “Well, when I was a kid we …” kind of stories is accurate and appropriate.

When I was a kid we made our own costumes. We searched the house, the shed, and yes, the roadside to find the materials to make our unique outfits. We were ghosts with old bed sheets. We became mummies wrapped in toilet paper. If you had enough aluminum foil, you were the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz.

There was a neighbor boy that liked to dress as a girl. It turns out it was an eerie indicator of things to come, but that is another story.

Nowadays, everyone has store bought outfits. There are pre-packaged super heroes, witches, and princesses. The only thing that scares you is the price, $29.99 each.

You are lucky if the costume lasts one night due to the poor quality. It would be nice if China could let the same kids that make my shoes produce the Halloween costumes.

As a youth attending Catholic School, we dressed up as our favorite Saint on November 1st. It’s known as “All Saint’s Day.” Try finding a John the Baptist costume at one of these stores. The only Biblical figures represented today would be Sodom and Gomorrah or Mary Magdalene, the early years.

This year, I’m dressing up as a disgruntled middle-aged man. Happy Halloween. ;-)

Oct. 26, 2009 - PPM - A Sign of The Times

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is how some of our tax dollars have being spent recently.

Highway signs have gone up everywhere touting the “Stimulus Package”. What a waste!!!

These signs cost $2.6 Million of our federal funds.

On October 26, the White House finally decided to put a large pink ribbon on the White House to acknowledge Breast Cancer Awareness month.


They put it up with only 5 days left in the month!!! How much did that cost? I’m sure the monies could have been more logically spent on what, let’s see.

Oh yeah, finding a cure for Breast Cancer!!!

Oct. 24, 2009 - Helping The Hungry

As a part-time Reverend and full-time community supporter, I attended an Inter Parish Ministry benefit concert at local high school tonight.

The headline performer was Steve Chapin, brother of the late Harry Chapin (at right). Steve was accompanied by Big John Wallace and Phil Forbes. The Turpin High School Mixed Choir also sang a few songs and provided backup vocals on several tunes.

The Inter Faith Ministry helps the hungry within the eastern Hamilton and Clermont counties. It is a coordinated effort of a network of churches, community, business and volunteer partners.

You can visit the Inter Parish Ministry website to learn more or to provide support.

Steve played all of Harry’s hits including “Cats in the Cradle”, “Taxi”, and “Circle”. Steve also played some of his own songs.

The funniest moment of the night was when Steve Chapin was awarded a Proclamation from the Ohio Senate thanking him for his years of charitable work with the hungry and homeless. Steve’s deadpan response was he thanked the State Senator for making tonight’s concert necessary.


Everyone should listen to, and read the lyrics from “All My Life’s A Circle.”

Oct. 23, 2009 - Friday Funny - USS Ted Kennedy

This week's Friday Funny comes from Jabberwocker Kim in Kentucky.

Is it too soon?

Oct. 22, 2009 - Jabberwocky Convention

I attended the fourth annual Jabberwocky Readers’ Convention tonight in Dayton Ohio.

I sat, I listened, I went to the bathroom, and then I sat and listened some more.
What I heard was that they love the postings, but I do not post often enough.

I explained that retirement hasn’t been easy with the golf vacations, the gambling junkets, and the baseball field trips.

At the end of the meeting, I apologized and stated it was “My Bad.”

I promise to post more often, starting tomorrow, or the next day.

Cheers.
JJ

Oct. 12, 2009 - PPM - Nobel Peace Prize

This week’s Pet Peeve Monday (PPM) has got to be President Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.

Incredulously, Obama was nominated for the award after only 11 days in office last January. It’s like nominating me for “Father of the Year” while my child is still in utero.

The Nobel Prize was nothing more than a continued aberration from the Norway based group. They should have named the award, “I’m Not George Bush” after they awarded previous prizes to Al Gore (2007) and Jimmy Carter (2002).

Talk about your sore losers. The Nobel committee probably should have post-humorously awarded their fictitious prize to Ann Richards because she was also beat by Bush in 1994.

Obama’s most acknowledged peace result was getting two guys together for a beer after a well documented, local media concocted event, where Obama played the race card. It sounds like he should have been rewarded with Bud-Light’s “Real Man of Genius” award rather than a Nobel Peace Prize.

Maybe the Norwegians should stop drinking the Obama Kool-Aid and switch to Bud-Light. I know it makes me feel better.

Oct. 9, 2009 - Friday Funny - Priceless

This week's Friday Funny comes from MaryAnne.

Only in America …Recently Michelle Obama went to serve food to the homeless at a government soup kitchen.



Cost of a bowl of soup at homeless shelter - $0.00 Dollars

Having Michelle Obama serve your soup - $0.00 Dollars

A homeless person who is receiving government funded meals takes a picture of the first lady using his $300 Black Berry cell phone... Priceless

Oct. 6, 2009 - No You Can't

Someone owes me $22.

That is the money I spent in July for a Chicago 2016 shirt.

I guess ACORN couldn’t be used to influence the IOC votes last week. Don’t blame it on Rio.

I visited Atlanta before 1996 games and Sydney before the 2000 games. Anyone trying to traverse these cities was incredibly inconvenienced during the long construction phases leading up to games. Sure, the construction job boon and national pride are good for the host country.

But what else?

Oh yeah, the useless T-shirts.

Sept. 25, 2009- Friday Funny - The People of Walmart

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from a Jabberwocker in Kentucky. I corrected the spelling and grammar.

These are the actual PEOPLE OF WALMART.

Those shoes are not blue, nor are they suede.

“What are you wearing sexy?” -Cowboy boots. “Ya, that’s hot.” – Pink velour pants.

“Ya I like that.” – a little green baby girl hoodie. “Oh damn, that sounds sexy.”

– and I kinda look like Gallagher. “Oh ya…wait…what?”

No, honey, it’s an ancient Egyptian symbol of prosperity, I swear!

WTF?

You can provide your own caption for this one.

Sept. 18, 2009 - Friday Funny - Pass At Your Own Risk

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from a Jabberwocker in Michigan.


It is the World's Scariest License Plate.





If you did decide to pass her, flashing your lights or honking your horn would be ill advised.

Sept. 16, 2009 - Jimmy Carter - WATN- or LOSER

This post meets at the intersection of Where Are They Now? Wednesday (WATN) and the Loser of the Week. It is called Jimmy Carter Way, an actual street in Atlanta.

I bet the Georgia road planning folks are rethinking that proclamation. They should have saved it for a dead-end street.

Every time the former President opens his mouth, the Herbert Hoover Appreciation Society gains a few members.

Mr. Carter has single handily labeled 58% of Americans as racists. That is the latest poll number that is unhappy with Obama’s performance.

Mr Carter told NBC NEWS in response to the populist response of the Tea Parties, "I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man."

He said this "racism inclination still exists. And I think it's bubbled up to the surface because of the belief among many white people, not just in the South but around the country, that African-Americans are not qualified to lead this great country. It's an abominable circumstance, and it grieves me and concerns me very deeply."

Jimmy – STOP talking, you are insignificant, irrelevant, and an unnecessary distraction. Go build a house.

Who thought Billy Carter was the smarter brother.

Sept. 9, 2009 - Obama Speech Bingo

Here we go again. Obama interrupts prime time TV for a “Major” address at 8 p.m.

It gives me a chance to play Obama Speech Bingo. I lay out cards with 5 columns and various numbers.

Column #O - The number of times the newscasters will say that, ”This is the most important speech of the Obama Administration.” They will use words like crucial, pivotal, critical, etc. MSNBC has a countdown clock on the lower part of the screen for those who can’t figure how long it will be until 8 p.m. It is also counting down how long before Chris Mathews gets the first tingling feeling. Best guess – 9

Column #B - The number of times that Barrack Obama will mention an ordinary citizen like Suzi Blah from Ohio or Navin R. Johnson from Mississippi as examples of how the current health care system has hurt them. Some times these “average” citizens are even invited to sit in the Presidential Box with the President’s family. Best Guess - 4

Column #A - The Number of times Barrack Obama will invoke the name of Ted Kennedy within the speech. Best Guess - 2

Column #M - The number of times that Nancy Pelosi will leap from her seat and clap as if she is a marionette. Best Guess - 17

Column #A – The length of the speech to the nearest 10 minute increment. This is counted from the time he enters the chamber. Best Guess – 50

The first person to have a true BINGO or “OBAMA” gets all the Kool-Aid they can drink.

Thanks, but I’m not thirsty.

Sept. 8, 2009 - The Messiah visits Cincinnati

What a Labor Day weekend in Cincinnati.

Great Fireworks on the river care of Rozzi’s on Sunday and a small fizzling flicker from a year-old sparkler from President Obama on Labor Day.

Obama spoke to the choir, (union folk), at Coney Island / Riverbend. The Cincinnati Enquirer covered the speech or did they?

Within the text of the articles covering his visit they couldn’t decide if there were 10K, 5K, or 4K spectators. It sounded a lot like his policy. Trying to get the factual policy position is like nailing Jello to the wall. Good Luck.

Today, Obama’s revised speech to schools was nice and non-partisan. A special thanks should go out to all that protested the original framework of the “Lesson Plans” offered by the White House last week.

They removed the original essay question: "Ask not only what your country (Obama Government) can do for you, but ask how you can help support your President implement his wealth redistribution strategy."

Obama’s education speech centered on personal responsibility and the importance of staying in school. It’s hard to argue with that.

Obama did offer a recollection of his mom waking him at 4:30 a.m. to review his studies. Nice touch. I file it in the same category as Bill Clinton’s golf scores. Neither story can be confirmed.

I always tell my kids that I walked to school up hill in the snow, both ways. They are smart enough to understand when someone stretches the truth for effect and when someone just flat out lies to them.

Sept. 4, 2009 - Friday Funny - How to Call the Police

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people

Sept. 3, 2009 - College Football Begins TONIGHT!!!

This is a classy youtube video remninding Ohio State fans that there is something more important than College Football. It is service to your country.

I attended the first OSU football game after 9/11. It was against UCLA in the Rose Bowl on 9/22/01. I'll never foregt the awesome feeling when the Air Forec did a fly over.

It's too bad so many have forgotten that what unites us is much stronger than what divides us.

Go Navy and Go Bucks.

August 31, 2009- PPM - Obama 2012?

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is about the now ENDLESS ELECTION CYCLE.

I was stunned to see the below Obama 2012 bumper sticker this past weekend.

Obama asking for another 4 years, less than nine months into his first term, is like someone proposing marriage between the appetizer and the entrée on their first date.

What accomplishments could Obama run on?

- Running up a one year deficient 4 times the largest one ever recorded?
- Attempting to take over control of 1/6th of the US economy with a program touted as health care reform?
- Lessening our national security by politicizing past interrogation tactics that KEPT us safe?

I tell you what. Turn the economy around, reduce unemployment, secure the borders, and get your hand out of pocket, and then we will discuss 2012.

August 28, 2009 - Friday Funny - Golf Quotes

One of my goals when I retired in 2005 was to become a good enough golfer to qualify for the Seniors Tour when I turned 50. I figured I had 7 years to get my golf handicap from a 32 to a zero, or scratch.

Four years into the program, I’m down to a 21 handicap, but trending behind the plan if you are evaluating it on a linear basis. No worries. I just need to play more golf.

Here is a list of golf quotes sent in from Jabberwocker, Chris.

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. - Grantland Rice

If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. - Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. - Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. - Sam Snead

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. - Arnold Palmer

I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! - Buddy Hackett

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. - Jimmy DeMaret

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

August 28, 2009 - The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Ted Kennedy lost his year-long battle with cancer this past week. No matter, the political differences, death is always sad to report.

Nicknamed the “Lion of the Senate”, I’m always struck how only the certain “positive” facts are cited.

All the cable news channels are running round the clock tributes to Kennedy. Yes, he was a great spokesman for his constituents, but he wasn’t MY Senator and he didn’t represent my interests. Nobody is asking how the Kopechee’s or Robert Bork are handling Kennedy’s passing.

As a reminder, here is what Kennedy said on the Senate floor within 45 minutes of Bork’s nomination to the US Supreme Court in 1987.

"Robert Bork's America is a land in which women would be forced into back-alley abortions, blacks would sit at segregated lunch counters, rogue police could break down citizens' doors in midnight raids, schoolchildren could not be taught about evolution, writers and artists could be censored at the whim of the Government, and the doors of the Federal courts would be shut on the fingers of millions of citizens for whom the judiciary is -- and is often the only -- protector of the individual rights that are the heart of our democracy...No justice would be better than this injustice.”

Nice rhetoric.

Additionally, the contradiction between his support for abortion and his divorce, and his very public Roman Catholicism are glossed over.

I feel the passing of his sister, Eunice Kennedy Shriver two weeks ago, had more of an impact based upon her decades of public service outside of the political arena. At any rate, I had Mr. Kennedy in my Derby Dead Pool.

I’ll provide a points update when the new standings come out.

August 21, 2009- Friday Funny - Rick Pitino

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from Jabberwocker MaryAnne.

University of Louisville men's basketball coach Rick Pitino told police that he had consensual relations with Karen Cunagin Sypher at a Louisville restaurant where he'd been drinking on Aug. 1, 2003.

Rumor has it that it was an Italian restaurant, but there have been several reports that this is simply not true. This naturally leads to much speculation regarding what restaurant could he possibly have been in when this event occurred.

Some possibilities:

I think Pitino should have had leftovers at home.

August 17, 2009 - PPM - Do Not Remind List

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is Reminder Calls.

These are the calls I continually receive from the doctor, the dentist, and yes, the hairdresser that I have a scheduled appointment the next day.

Somehow, I’m able to get up each day, pay the mortgage, feed myself, and raise a family without some stranger calling me to let me know that I have made a prior commitment.

Yet, the receptionist where I get a $15 haircut must call me to let me know that I must be in the chair at zero hour or the earth may stop spinning.

As a retired person, I take great pleasure in my daily afternoon nap. It never fails that someone calls to remind me of a pending engagement right in the middle of my siesta.

Trust me. I have my proctology exam red circled on the calendar three months in advance. There is NO reason to call to REMIND ME!!!

I only wish there was a DO NOT REMIND list similar to the DO NOT CALL registry.

Put me on it. I’m confident I’ll be at my appointment

If I miss the scheduled appointment, I’m sure my proctologist will tell me where to put my PET PEEVE.

August 14, 2009 - Friday Funny - Why I Love Golf

After playing ZERO golf during my 3 week vacation, I was back on the links twice this week.

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY is why I no longer water or snow ski.

FORE!!!

August 11, 2009 - A Radical Sabbatical

I’m back.

No, I wasn’t in California grieving the loss of Michael Jackson.

No, I wasn’t attending “Town Halls” across America to exhibit my displeasure with the proposed Health Care reform.

I was taking the lead from our Government. I was out spending money like an inebriated sailor on shore leave for the first time in a year.

I was on vacation from July 19 – August 9. More details will be posted tomorrow once I unpack the bags and find my camera.

Cheers.
JJ

July 17, 2009 - Friday Funny - Aphorisms

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH. - submitted by Michigan Jabberwocker

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself because the people who matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.

I like #18 - I always say that the people that say money doesn't buy happiness, don't know where to shop.

July 13, 2009 - PPM - Cell Phones AGAIN

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is once again about Cell Phone etiquette.

I had previously blogged about Cell Phone use in Restaurants, Cell Phone use in Gyms, and Cell Phone use in Groceries.

Today, I was able to add 2 more.

While shopping at Target, the woman in the below photo was extremely rude to the cashier. She was not able to pry the phone from her ear to participate in the checkout process. It’s a shame when someone accidentally hit her with a shopping cart. “I’m sorry, I guess you didn’t hear me coming. I guess you were TOO involved in your meaningless conversation on your cell phone.”

Later that day, I was enjoying a peaceful dinner outside at a local Mexican restaurant. Another diner decided not to offend her dining party eating inside the restaurant. She decided to talk on her cell phone in the presence of the 30 people sitting on the patio. I don’t know what was louder, her conversation or her outfit.

Come on people. Have some manners, some etiquette, or just some common sense.

GET OFF THE PHONE!!!

July 10, 2009 - Friday Funny - Adjectives are NOT Just Words

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY comes form long time Jabberwocker, Heidi, a not-so-closet Grammar Goddess. It is commentary on recent geo-political / thermo-nuclear events.

We will spare no article of speech in our response to the grave nuclear threat.

One day after North Korea launched a successful test of a nuclear weapon, President Obama said that the United States was prepared to respond to the threat with "the strongest possible adjectives."

In remarks to reporters at the White House, Mr. Obama said that North Korea should fear the "full force and might of the United States' arsenal of adjectives" and called the missile test "reckless, reprehensible, objectionable, senseless, egregious and condemnable."

Standing at the President's side, Vice President Joseph Biden weighed in with some tough adjectives of his own, branding North Korean President Kim Jong-Il "totally wack and illin'."

Later in the day, Defense Secretary Robert Gates called the North Korean nuclear test "supercilious and jejune," leading some in diplomatic circles to worry that the U.S. might be running out of appropriate adjectives with which to craft its response.

But President Obama attempted to calm those fears, saying that the United States was prepared to "scour the thesaurus" to come up with additional adjectives and was "prepared to use adverbs" if necessary.

"Let's be clear: we are not taking adverbs off the table," Mr. Obama said. "If the need arises, we will use them forcefully, aggressively, swiftly, overwhelmingly and commandingly."

July 6, 2009 - PPM - Palin's Media Coverage

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is about the media. I know, same target, different subject, different week.

This week the media, when they aren’t covering the Michael Jackson train wreck, are hung up on Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s resignation.

They are vilifying her for her “Lack of Commitment.” Actually, I commend her. She desires a higher calling or office and decided to go for it.

I blogged about the TRUE “Lack Of Commitment” by candidates last fall. It targeted those candidates that do NOT resign one office when they run for another. Worst yet, are those people that truly “hedge their bets” by running for 2 offices at once.

Did you know Joe Biden won two races last November? He won re-election to his Delaware Senate seat on the same night he won the VP. If he was a real man, he would have resigned his Senate seat the day he was named Obama’s running mate.

Our fearless leader, (when he has a TelePrompter), Barack Obama began his run for Presidency 2 years into his Senate CAREER!!! He didn’t resign. He didn’t do the job he was elected to do.

Kudos to Palin for giving up a job she knew that she wouldn’t be focused on. At least she had the “you know what” to stand up and do the right thing.

Shame on the Media for their continued double standard when it comes to Sarah Palin. I chronicled this travesty last August at her coming out party.

The Media has attacked Palin’s family, her clothes, and her lack of an Ivy League education. It’s too bad the Media can’t focus on the issues. I guess that is a LOSING proposition.

July 3, 2009 - Friday Funny - "Obama Man"

Funny Video from Greg Morton sung to Candy Man music.

June 29, 2009 - PPM - Michael Jackson Media Coverage

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is about the ridiculous 7*24 coverage of the Michael Jackson death.

He was a singer, a good one, and that was it. He didn’t cure the sick, solve world hunger, or save a plane from crashing.

Last Friday, Michael Jackson were the top 4 stories on Yahoo.com. #5 was that North Korea threatened nuclear retaliation.

On the NBC Nightly News, the first 16 minutes were devoted to Jackson. All of the news channels were quoting TMZ as a source.

Fox News was actually interviewing the National Enquirer’s Entertainment Editor. It seems the editor had predicted that Michael Jackson would die within 6 months last February. The 110-year-old woman that gave birth to Alien twins that were covered in that same National Enquirer issue was unavailable for comment.

Here is a sample of the National Enquirer journalism from February of this year. I believe that Patrick Swayze is still alive, although I cannot contest the other cover stories.

The White House also weighed in for the first time, with a spokesman saying President Barack Obama saw Jackson as a spectacular performer and music icon. The House of Representatives observed a moment of silence.

The White House some how couldn’t find their voice about the rigged elections in Iran, but was right on top of the Jackson death.

Let’s get some Perspective – folks!!!

BTW – I also predicted Mr. Jackson’s demise last December, well ahead of the National Enquirer.

I feel bad for Farrah Fawcett. She is getting no mention in the press.

I was once seated on a plane next to Lee Trevino. I remarked to Lee that I really hoped that the plane didn’t go down with him on board. Trevino thanked me and asked me how long I had been his fan. I responded that I really wasn’t a fan of golf or him. I explained that if the plane crashed that he would get all the headlines and I would also just be a passenger on “his” plane crash. Can anyone name the 4th passenger on the last plane ride of Buddy Holly?

What is really sick is the behavior of Joe Jackson, Michael’s Father. It is well documented of the physical and emotional abuse this “parent” levied on Michael.

The abuse continues even in Michael’s death. Joe Jackson is pimping his son’s funeral arraignments in order to maximize the return on his investment.

Michael Jackson’s death was not tragic, but was expected. I guess the media’s infatuation with his death will continue, as long as people will watch.

Thank goodness I have viewing options. I had the foresight to TIVO the Desperate Housewives of Orange County.

June 28, 2009 - Death of a GREAT Salesman

Wow. It just got interesting. My post last week indicated “Celebrities Die in Threes.” Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson passed on last week.

Now comes word that Billy Mays, the burly, bearded television pitchman whose boisterous hawking of products such as Orange Glo and OxiClean made him a pop-culture icon, has died. Arthur Miller would need to rewrite his play, if it was about Billy Mays.

Should 2 more celebrities be nervous or was Ed McMahon over rated?

As a former salesman, I always liked Billy Mays. I watched him on the new Conan O’Brien Tonight Show last week and he was engaging and funny.

Mays was only 50 (same as Jackson). It was not immediately clear how Mays died. He said he was hit on the head when an airplane he was on made a rough landing Saturday, and his wife, Deborah Mays, told investigators he didn't feel well before he went to bed about 10 p.m. that night.

My condolences to the Mays family. Billy was truly was one of the good guys.

June 26, 2009 - Friday Funny - Farrah's Wish

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is dedicated to Farrah Fawcett. She is the real LOSER this week as no one is talking about her death or courageous fight against cancer.

It’s all about Michael Jackson, but I’ll save the details for next Monday’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM).

Here is a great, current joke courteous of Google.

When Farrah Fawcett got to heaven, and arrived at the pearly gates, she was greeted by St. Peter.

"Wow!" exclaimed the St. Peter. "We really enjoyed your work, especially Charlie's Angels! I still have a poster in my office of you with that red bikini! Go on through"

Farrah is a little taken aback. "Thank you..."

She is greeted by God and he says, "Well, I have a special reward for you. I'm prepared to grant you one wish. Have anything in mind?"

Not one to act selfish and change God’s opinion of her, Farrah thinks for a second and decides upon a wish. "I'd like for all the children of the world to be safe and sound forever."

"Done!" exclaims God. He snaps, and Michael Jackson appears IMMEDIATELY next to Farrah.

And taking second place -What were Michael Jackson’s last words "No, No, take me to the Childrens’ Hospital!"

June 25, 2009 - Derby Dead Pool Update

There was huge news day with the celebrity deaths of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

People always say that “They always Die in Threes." I guess with the death of Ed McMahon earlier this week, Oprah Winfrey and David Letterman can rest easy, ….for now.

For those long time Jabberwockers, I have been a participant for the past three years in the DERBY DEAD POOL.

The Derby Dead Pool is where you list 20 people that you think will die during the calendar year. The winner last year correctly predicted 12 of his 20 celebrity deaths. You get points based on how they die and how old they were at the time of their death

I currently “Captain” 4 teams:

2 Sick Not 2 Quit – personal list , 3rd year, finished 165th last year
1 Dead in Ohio – perossnl list, 3rd year, finished 342nd last year
Say Hi to Uncle George – family list, 1st year
5 Feet and 1 To Go – book club list, 1st year

Until today there had not been a “hit” on any of the 4 lists, an almost unheard of probability.

And then within one hour, two major deaths.

For example, here is the list for the 2 Sick Not 2 Quit submission:

Muhammad Ali
Fidel Castro
Dick Clark
Roger Ebert
Farrah Fawcett
Michael J Fox
Teri Garr
Stephen Hawking
Steve Jobs
Senator Edward Kennedy
Larry King
Jack Klugman
Jerry Lewis
George Michael
Liza Minnelli
Sharon Osbourne
Greg Page
Ron Santo
Ariel Sharon
Mary Tyler Moore

For the record, I’m not sadistic, otherwise I would put more time into research and would have finished higher than 165th last year.

I just have always been a fan of actuarial tables and the abnormal distribution of celebrity deaths indicated that most fall outside of 2 standard deviations from the mean (using a Z distribution of course.)

June 22, 2009- PPM- Real Estate Business Cards

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is Real Estate salespeople’s business cards.

My PEEVE or question is why do they put their picture on their business card?

I make NO apologies for generalizations, but it’s been my experience with real estate agents is that:

Women – usually put a picture at least 10 years earlier. They usually have that 1980’s big hair look. Where a TV adds 10 pounds, business cards must subtract 10-20 pounds.

Men - if they have been in the Real Estate business for a long time, they have a comb over, a hair piece, or a picture that would also be a mug shot for a MSNBC’s “To Catch A Predator” show.

I’ve bought and sold many house over the years. I’ve never selected a Real Estate Agent based on their time-dated, air brushed photo. I’m looking for a competent salesperson, not a rent a date.

I have never bought a large ticket item based on the sales person’s appearance. I may have tipped a bit more at a local diner or pub, but who doesn’t appreciate good service? ;-)

When I was a workingman, I would hope that no sales were won based on my average or above average handsomeness.

BTW – if you need a house in Idaho, call Rock and Roll Realty.

June 19, 2009 - Friday Funny - Government Motors

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY was provided by Jabberwocker Lori.

In a special news conference yesterday, Government Motors announced its new concept car.

The new GM (Government Motors) proudly introduces the 2010 Obama.

This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns. It comes complete with two Teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.

The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the "happy" Democrat owners.

June 18, 2009 - Blog Update

You are probably saying, "What's up with the lack of posts?"

My response - "It wasn't me." Blogger sent me a the below message:

"Hello, Your blog at: http://jaysjabberwocky.blogspot.com/ has been identified as a potential spam blog.

Your blog will be deleted in 20 days if it isn't reviewed, and your readers will see a warning page during this time. After we receive your request, we'll review your blog and unlock it within two business days. Once we have reviewed and determined your blog is not spam, the blog will be unlocked and the message in your Blogger dashboard will no longer be displayed.

We find spam by using an automated classifier. Automatic spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and occasionally a blog like yours is flagged incorrectly. We sincerely apologize for this error.
Thank you for your understanding and for your help with our spam-fighting efforts.

Sincerely,
The Blogger Team"

Ironically, this email from BLOGGER looked like SPAM. All is well now and I have been cleared to continue.

Your emails are very important to me and will be answered in the order received. Please stay on the line and a representative will be with you shortly. These emails may be monitored for quality assurance.

Cheers.

JJ

June 5, 2009 - Friday Funny - Ice Cream

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from a Jabberwocker up north.

In Honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, "Baracky Road."

Baracky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.

The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The Cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.

Feeling stimulated yet?

May 29, 2009 - Friday Funny - Boys will be Boys

This week's Friday Funny is dedicated to my 2 boys. Here are some interesting things you learn when you have sons:

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

9.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

10.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

11.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

12.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

13.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

14.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

15.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

16.) The fire department in Cincinnati has a 5-minute response time.

Enjoy the thoughts (and your kids!!!)

May 27, 2009 - WATN - Dom Deluise

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY (WATN) is Dom Deluise.

I know I am late with this one as Dom is also late. That is, Dom died two weeks ago.

Dom was best known for his role with buddy Burt Reynolds in the Cannonball Run movies.

Dom died while I was on my own Cannonball Run. I traveled 2100 miles, thru 9 states in under 60 hours. I chronicled the trip in a previous blog. I learned about Don’s passing during the newsbreak on a All Country, All The Time radio station somewhere in Texas. I think it was called “The Wolf” or “The Coyote” or something catchy.

When I was able to read Dom’s obituary the next day I was stunned. Nowhere in the 932-word article (I was in a truck cab for three days) was there a mention of Dom’s relationship with NCR.

Dom was the pitchman for NCR’s ill-fated foray into the Personal Computer field. I don’t blame Dom for NCR’s failure, although his selection as the front man didn’t help.

In 1984, NCR introduced an 8-Bit CP-M-based Decision Mate V (DMV) personal computer. It had 64K RAM, and supported a 5.25 floppy with 32K bytes of storage and a Winchester hard disk with 10M bytes of formatted storage. The drive alone weighed 30 pounds. It was very powerful at the time. However by today’s standards it would only hold the concert version of “Hotel California.”

The real problem was the Operating System. NCR decide to go with CP-M instead of DOS as its platform. Think Beta vs. VHS. However by adding a weight challenged, widely unknown, out of work comic as the face of your product didn’t help. NCR actually bought Super Bowl ads that year with Dom prancing around spouting the virtues of teh NCR PC. I guess Ricardo Montebaum (rich Corinthian leather) or the Clydesdales weren’t available.

NCR did later release PC’s on the DOS platform, but the damage was done. I use an old DMV to prop open the door to my shed in the summer. The old marketing execs that selected Dom Deluise as NCR’s computer spokesperson are also holding doors open – as Wal-Mart greeters. (Not there is anything wrong with that.)

Dom – may you finally rest in peace. I just hope your entry ticket thru the gates of St. Peter wasn’t processed on the CP-M platform-based computer.

May 25, 2009 - Happy Memorial Day - NO PPM

No PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) on holidays.

Let’s all remember why we celebrate Memorial Day.

Thanks to all for serving our country and who have given the supreme sacrifice.

FREEDOM ISN’T FREE.

May 22, 2009 - Friday Funny - Bear Humor

I always love signs that tell the story or joke by itself.

This sign comes from the Canadian province of British Columbia:




Thank you to Duke, a charter Jabberwocker, for your submission.