August 29 - Hurricane Hyperbole

What a week for the newscasters and meteorologists. As we “celebrate” the one-year anniversary of Katrina in comes Tropical Storm Ernesto threatening Florida.

Who names these storms? Hurricanes have become smarter. They know if they use a Hispanic name they have a better chance of getting into this country. Ernesto sounds more like a prescription sleep aid.

Ernesto should only be taken immediately before bedtime. Be sure you have at least eight hours to devote to sleep before becoming active. You should not engage in any activity after taking Ernesto that requires complete alertness, such as driving a car or operating machinery. You should use extreme care when engaging in these activities the morning after taking Ernesto. Do not use alcohol while taking any sleep medicine. Most sleep medicines carry some risk of dependency. Do not use sleep medicines for extended periods without first talking to your doctor.

Ironically both hurricanes and prescription sleep aides have the same side effects. Some people experience unusual changes in their thinking and/or behavior. These effects are not common. However, they have included:

• More outgoing or aggressive behavior than normal
• Confusion
• Strange behavior
• Agitation
• Hallucinations
• Worsening of depression
• Suicidal thoughts

Now I don’t want to get into a Pet Peeve because it’s not Monday. But I do want provide a little commentary about Mother Nature.

As a disclaimer, I want to state if you lost any family, friends, or furnishing in any catastrophe, I am sorry for your loss. Like most people, I donated belongings and funds after Katrina.

With that said, let’s go over a few basic Hurricane Rules:

#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that... Get The Hell Out!!! Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go and you decide to stay. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument.

#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the government’s fault you're starving. I live in Ohio and I have enough beans, ravioli, beef jerky, and juice boxes to make it through six weeks. My biggest fear isn’t hurricanes, it’s that the local store may run out of my favorites.

#3. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some and borrow what you need. DO NOT LOOT!!! Remember, plasma screen TV's, DVD's, CD's, and Nike shoes are not edible. Leave them alone.

#4. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. It’s called hazard pay, not combat duty.

#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a sports stadium or a floating casino. A lso, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. Y ou wouldn't build your house on quicksand. If you want to live below sea level, join the Navy.

President Kennedy said it best... "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

As for the beloved weather reporters, why do they have to cover the hurricane and insert themselves into the story? This was my PET PEEVE about war journalists on July 24.

My all time favorite TV weatherman, Al Roker, “jumped the shark” during last year’s hurricane season. He was literally blown away by Hurricane Wilma. Maybe Al shouldn’t have had gastro bypass surgery.

His loss of ballast may have caused his loss of balance.

Tropical Storm Ernesto failed to make hurricane status today as it hit Florida. You could see the despair in the faces of the weather reports. You could hear the disappointment in their voices. There is nothing like a non-story. It was a real bad news for cable news organizations, as John Mark Karr didn’t pan out. Cheer up weather guys. You will always have Katrina.

Finally, a note on Mother Nature.

From the TV Acres web site:

Dena Dietrich starred as the forest matron, Mother Nature in a series of successful 30-second commercials for Chiffon Margarine (1971-79). Dressed in a gown of white and adorned with a crown of daisies, Mother Nature addresses an unseen narrator who informs her "That's Chiffon Margarine, not butter." A perplexed Mother Nature replies "Margarine, oh, no, it's too sweet, too creamy."

When the narrator tells her "Chiffon's so delicious, I guess it fooled even you, Mother Nature," the perturbed woodland goddess lets loose lightning and thunder to express her anger. Her trademark catchphrase was "It's not nice to fool Mother Nature!"

I’ve sure that catchphrase would be updated by today’s loose media standards. I imagine Samuel Jackson playing the part.

“It’s not nice to fool Mother &*%#-ing Nature”