October 23 - Pet Peeve Monday - No Talking Zone

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is people who talk inappropriately at entertainment events.

It happened twice this weekend within a 24-hour window.

On Friday night my wife and I went to see comedian Ron White. Behind us in Section RC, Row I, Seat 3 was a socially and weight challenged woman who had to announce after every joke, “That’s funny!!!”

Of course it is, you dimwit, it’s a comedy show.

She then proceeded to slap the back of the empty seat next to my wife with her x-large hands on certain jokes. Her hefty limb would not only make a loud sound, but it would vibrate the entire row.

After a few chair slaps, I glanced back at her to give her that look you give when somebody does something inappropriate. It’s a look that doesn’t require words. I hoped it was the hint she needed to knock it off. She met my glare with an affirmative nod and a “That’s Funny” statement. It was as if I was now part of her inner critic circle and I was confirming HER assessments as well.

Later in the show she began to guess the pending punch line. Sometimes right, many times wrong, ALWAYS ANNOYING.

Her laugh could be best described as the sound a Pterodactyl would exude when passing a kidney stone.

The pinnacle of my irritation was reached after one particular joke. She had ill timed her alcohol intake with the punch line. She sprayed her mouth load, and it was a large one, onto my head, neck, and shoulders. She didn’t even say “sorry.” This was surprising because her mouth was obviously purged of its contents. If I want to be sprayed at a concert, I’ll see Gallagher.

I did get a small sense of satisfaction when toward the end of the show, Ron White began a series of jokes about fat women. There was a palpable silence coming from behind us. After each fat joke, I would let out a Pterodactyl yelp along with a “Now, That’s Funny!!!” If I could have slapped her seat, it would have been the perfect mocking trifecta. As for the beer spraying, I would not have wasted any liquids on her.

I’m sure Miss Inappropriate saw nothing wrong with her antics. Maybe it was a result of her intoxication, her Jerry Springer addicted attention span, or her obvious inability to control her food and beverage input and bodily function output. I don’t know and I don’t care.

I would only request that if you are not the one on the stage, Shut The @#&# Up.

Having showered and recovered from Friday night’s experience, on Saturday I embarked off to Columbus to see The Ohio State University football team take on the Indiana Hoosiers.

My 17 year-old son had never been to a Buckeye game and the game was not available on regular TV. Our seats were in front row in the corner of the end zone. Great seats, great weather, great game, except for, wait for it, wait for it, … an inappropriate fan.

Seated in Section 28A, Row BB, Seat 33, DIRECTLY behind me was a woman that did not shut-up the entire game. For three hours, the word “football” never passed her lips. She felt it necessary to shout above the crowd noise to make sure her female friend could hear her. Apparently by the volume and duration of her talking filibuster, her friend was hard of hearing and mute.

There is a Toby Keith song, “I Wanna Talk About Me” that includes some of the below lyrics.

“We talk about your work how your boss is a jerk
We talk about your church and your head when it hurts
We talk about the troubles you've been having with your brother
About your daddy and your mother and your crazy ex-lover
We talk about your friends and the places that you've been
We talk about your skin and the dimples on your chin
The polish on your toes and the run in your hose
And God knows we're gonna talk about your clothes

We talk about your dreams and we talk about your schemes
Your high school team and your moisturizer crème
We talk about your nanna up in Muncie, Indiana
We talk about your grandma down in Alabama
We talk about your guys of every shape and size
The ones that you despise and the ones you idolize
We talk about your heart, about your brains and your smarts
And your medical charts and where you start”

This lady covered all of these topics and more. I heard about her kids, their grades, their friend’s grades, their friends of their friend’s grades. This woman drove me to a point I thought I would never approach: quoting a country music song. It has to be a sign of the approaching apocalypse.

She even said to the man on the other side of her, “these are my husband’s seats, but he wanted to sit elsewhere in the stadium, so that he could enjoy the game.” WHAT A NOVEL IDEA!!!

To counteract her annoying monologue, we simply stood up to watch the game. I figured she would complain and ask me to sit down. For four quarters, not a word was directed to me. It’s always my first goal to be non-confrontational to others and to use this forum to address Pet Peeves. I use the prophet Rodney King as my role model, “Can’t We All Get Along?.”

All in all, it was a great game as Ohio State won 44-3.

On the way out, I mentioned to her that it was a Great Game. Her response, “I wouldn’t have missed it.” I laughed like a Pterodactyl.