July 30 - On Vacation

No Blogs this week. I'm on vacation in the hills.

No phones, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury. OK, it's just no computers, no cell phones, or a single TV.

Cheers.

JJ

July 29 - Loser of the Week - The NOT SO Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK is Prinz Frederic Von Anhalt.

You probably say. “Who is that?” My answer is EXACTLY.

Von Anhalt isn’t actually a Prince. He purchased the title. He is not King of His Castle. He probably isn’t even Prince of his Castle.

The reason is that in 1986, Prinz von Anhalt married Zsa Zsa Gabor. The couple are still married, making it Gabor's 8th, yet longest marriage.

I previously discussed Von Anhalt in a February 12, 2007 Blog. Von Anhalt had claimed that he WAS the father of Anna Nicole’s baby. That mystery has since been solved. Thank goodness.

So why is this person now my LOSER OF THE WEEK?

On July 25, 2007, Prinz von Anhalt was allegedly approached by three women he described as attractive while sitting in his Rolls Royce in Southern California. They asked him to pose for pictures with them, at which point one of the women robbed him at gunpoint, taking his car keys, jewelry, wallet, driver's license and all his clothes. I kid you not.

If you look at the picture on the right, it appears the Prinz has a wandering eye.

According to Prinz von Anhalt, his assailants bound him and placed him in handcuffs, yet he managed to call the authorities on a cellular phone. Los Angeles police found him completely naked approximately one hour later. Additionally, no handcuffs were found at the scene. The culprits apparently drove away in a Chrysler convertible. Why didn’t they take the Rolls Royce? Maybe they should be the LOSER OF THE WEEK, if they actually existed.

The Prinz’s story sounds more like a bad Letter to Penthouse than something from a CSI episode. Either way, he is still my LOSER OF THE WEEK.

What’s next? He will probably claim he invented the Internet and that Global Warming is going to kill us all. Oops, that LOSER has already been chronicled on July 7, 2007.

July 27 - Friday Funny - Take a Bite Out Of Crime

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is a what if?

Based on this week’s headlines, how many people would pay to see this match-up. What if Mr. Vick was being chased by a pit bull instead of a linebacker?

I’ve always owned a small dog, and have never been a fan of big dogs. There was an incident with a St. Bernard when I was about 5. That said, I would never condone what has been reported to have happened at Michael Vick’s house.

I would like to see Mr. Vick have another hamstring injury. This time, I would like to see his hamstring torn off his bone by one of his pets.

Now that would be funny and poetic justice.

July 23- Pet Peeve Monday - Pottery Barn Rules, Rule

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is about PEOPLE THAT BORROW THINGS AND RETURN THE ITEMS BROKEN.

Sometimes people just don’t return the item and that is a separate PEEVE. I’m sure Librarians lay awake at night stressed about over-due books from the 1980’s.

I was always told that you should never loan something like tools to someone if you expect the item back. Ironically, I was also told if you are never going to use something more than twice, you should borrow it.

Here in, lies the enigma. I have never been a borrower. I never felt good about it. It would always be awkward should you have to be asked for the item back and you lost it, re-lent it, or god forbid, broke it.

Conversely, I have been an unfortunate loaner, mostly of money, but sometimes of tools or equipment.

My California tax returns from 1988-1992 are riddled with bad debt write-offs that look like the cast from COPS. You know, the ones with the blurred faces.

As an ETERNAL OPTIMIST, I’m sure Greg L. from Sacramento used the $1000 I loaned him to buy a computer. I’m sure he will “Google” me any day because he has been trying to find my address in order to send me a check.

Additionally, I’m sure Mark B. from Huntington Beach didn’t mean to jump bail and will return my $2500 bond money as soon as he returns from Mexico.

Recently I had loaned my copier to the IT representative for a local volunteer based organization.

When my copier was returned, the toner cartridge had been replaced unnecessarily. The new cartridge had been installed incorrectly. Upon powering up the machine my workroom was covered within enough black powder to solve the next 200 CSI crime scenes as illustrated in the below picture.

I’ve often wondered how I can come up with the proper sarcasm font. Please consider my handwriting in the below picture my first effort.

People should respect the old axiom, "Nice to look at, nice to hold, but if you break it, consider it sold."

This was around before The Pottery Barn came up with "You break it, you bought it."

Either way, The Pottery Barn rules, should rule.

July 21 - Loser of the Week - Drive-In Deviant

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK was someone I saw at the Drive-In last week.

I had taken my children out for a quiet night to see the latest G-rated flick. Instead they got to see an R-rated display from my Loser of the Week.

Arriving just a few minutes before the start of the movies, this woman broke the following Drive-In etiquette rules and safety laws:

1. She parked her SUV in the wrong row. SUV’s are not allowed in the first six rows.

2. She parked in the middle of the space that is supposed to accommodate 2 cars.

3. She put blankets on the top of her SUV so that her kids, Beavis and Butthead (not pictured), could sit on top, further blocking the view of the legally parked vehicles. She obviously knew nothing of child safety laws. As a Darwinian, I am sure that some things will take care of themselves anyway.

What you can’t see for the photo is the confrontation that took place between this lady (?) and the Drive-In attendant when she was informed of her violations.

Stopping to take a drag on her cigarette in between arm waving and profanity, she tried to explain her right to park anywhere she wanted and to let her children watch the movie from where ever she wanted.

She had obviously misread the movie ad. It was not a Jerry Springer film fest, but Ratatouille that was playing this night.

Realizing that she would not win her argument and that she had probably left the meth on the stove at the trailer park, she packed up her stuff along with Beavis and Butthead and went on her way.

It’s always nice to hear the audience applause before the movie starts.

So DRIVE –IN LADY LACKING SOCIAL GRACES AND COMMON SENSE, you are my LOSER OF THE WEEK.

July 20 - Friday Funny - Kangaroo Karate

What would be really funny is if this lady was from PETA.

July 18 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Fairies

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? (WATN) WEDNESDAY is FAIRIES.

Where are the NON-TOOTH FAIRIES?

I’m sure nothing “Ne-Fairy-Us” (nefarious) is going on. (Rim shot)

We have always have PSEUDO FAIRIES that accentuate the positive: The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and The Great Pumpkin.

But what about the less than ideal situations?

I’m talking about the imaginary people that come to visit your children when something is extracted or falls off their body.

Everyone knows about the TOOTH FAIRY, but what about the TONSIL FAIRY or the APPENDIX FAIRY? And God forbid they get visited by the SPLEEN FAIRY.

We could have a BONE FAIRY in the image of Evil Knievel. Some would argue that we already have an OBESITY FAIRY – Richard Simmons.

I may have circumvented normal Fairy Protocol, but I saw a void, and recently invented THE NAIL FAIRY.

My 4-year old severely pinched her thumb in the mailbox. At the time she was under another parent’s supervision.

Based upon her advanced medical education, the “supervising” parent performed triage and determined that the swelling and discoloration did not warrant a doctor visit for 11 days.

When my daughter finally saw a specialist she did in fact have a thumb fracture. The hand specialist apparently also had a minor specialty in sarcasm. He stated that he could in fact have helped her, HAD he SEEN her TWO WEEKS ago when the injury occurred.

Within the next week, her damaged nail fell off. Enter stage right, the NAIL FAIRY.

It turns out the market rate for a thumbnail is $3. It must be UNION SCALE as it is the same rate for a front tooth.

Below is a picture of the amazingly still happy, yet nail-less girl, with her older sister and money manager.

In conclusion, I believe that FAIRY CREATION should be left to the discretion of all parents. You can use your own imagination for the CONSTIPATION FAIRY.

Life is TOO short, our children are growing up TOO fast, and our children are apparently TOO fragile.

So to answer the WATN question about where have all the fairies gone?

The answer is nowhere. They just have not been invented yet.

July 16 - Pet Peeve Monday - Going Green

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is COMPANIES TRYING TO CAPITALIZE ON THE “GO GREEN” FAD. They have joined the Chicken Littles that have subscribed to Al Snore’s propaganda.

Last week Duke Energy announced that for $5 a month their customers can “Go Green.”

Duke uses this extorted money to buy “renewable energy certificates.” Duke claims the money will underwrite the cost of producing energy from alternative sources like wind.

Does anyone else smell the snake oil? Why doesn’t Duke energy just do the right thing and reinvesting their OBSCENE profits into research, rather than have their customer bear the burden?

If Duke Energy really felt this way they should put their own skin and MONEY into the game.

There are plenty of cheap, alternative fuel source possibilities out there. We have not been motivated enough to explore them. I’m sure if we could get the young brains off of the XBOX long enough we could find a way to convert salt water to energy.

Alternatively, if we could harness the energy of the useless Washington dysfunctional, partisan speech, we would solve all the problems.

I read today that all of the Global Warming issues are actually caused by the cyclical nature of solar flares. The flares should subside in 2020, and this “normal” up tick in temperatures will abate and we will begin to cool again. If this is true, I’m sure the “Go Green” faction will claim credit for what would have happened anyway.

However, the disingenuous nature of companies claiming to be GREEN, PEEVES ME.

I see right through your transparent solar shield. I see your environmental spin as a natural output of your hot air (wind) turbine. I smell your methane gas energy for what it is. CRAP.

July 14 - Loser of the Week - Sprint, no Verizon

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK is cell phone provider, SPRINT.

It was reported this past week that hundreds of cell phone customers were given the boot, accused of being too high maintenance by Sprint.

Sprint-Nextel disconnected more than 1,200 subscribers on grounds the clients call customer service too often and make "unreasonable requests."

A Sprint representative said the average customer calls customer service less than once a month, but the 1,200 clients getting the boot call 40-50 times as often.

Yo Sprint, if someone calls more than ONCE A YEAR, you are not doing your job.

Sprint said whatever the complaint, it has worked to resolve it but due to the volume of calls it's obvious customers involved are not happy.

In a statement, the company said: "Rather than continue to operate in a situation that was unsatisfactory for Sprint and our subscribers, we chose to terminate our relationship with those customers to allow them to pursue other options."

The customers told to find a new service provider were notified by mail last month and will not have to pay a termination fee. I’m surprised Sprint didn’t text message them and then charge them for the service.

I had previously documented someone’s unhappiness with Verizon in a FRIDAY FUNNY.

As a terminally unhappy customer of VERIZON, I wish that Verizon had cancelled me. Fortunately, I have completed the necessary two-year imprisonment term detailed by my contract with Verizon. I am now on a month-to month basis.

I actually have a slightly damaged phone and was looking for a repair when I visited my local Verizon store this past week. I was informed that my phone was out of stock and that I could get an “upgrade” with a new 2-year commitment. I had to explain to the Verizon rep three times that I DO NOT WANT A NEW CONTRACT.

The third time my voice may have been raised a bit, because when I said, "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?” it drew laughs and applause from the other disgruntled customers in line.

I will do a MacGyver on my phone for the time being to make it work.

I get satisfaction that I didn’t drink the tainted Kool-Aid the cell phone companies want you to drink.

SPRINT AND VERIZON, you are my LOSERS OF THE WEEK.

July 13- Friday Funny - The British are ....

If you don't understand the headline, it's a famous Paul Revere quote.

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY comes to me from the UK.

They may have a new Prime Minister, but it's the same Prince Charles.

July 11 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Political Duels

Today is the anniversary of the famous duel between Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton.

On this date in 1804 the then Vice President Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Hamilton during a pistol duel in Wechawken, N.J.

This is the subject of this week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY.

Where have all the good duels gone?

Vice President Cheney shot someone last year, but he was a friend. I think Cheney should take Nevada Senator Harry Reid for a walk in the woods, say ten paces.

To be fair to both parties, Ted Kennedy could play car chicken on a small bridge with any Republican of his choice.

Politicians do not have the same convictions as they had back then. The only convictions politicians have today are for bribery, indecent exposure, and felony lying. (Is that the sound of a rim shot I hear?)

It would be great if politicians actually stood behind their campaign promises.

Yo, Democrats, how’s that troop withdrawal going?

Yo, Congress, got that border fence built yet?

On October 11, 2002 Hillary Clinton cast her vote supporting the President's resolution to go to war. She said her vote was cast with the "conviction" that the war authorization "best serves the security of our nation."

Hillary also said that she rejected setting a timetable to withdraw from Iraq. Her exact words:"I reject a rigid timetable that the terrorists can exploit, and I reject an open timetable that has no ending attached to it." (Associated Press, 12/3/05)

But in recent months and days, Hillary has voted against providing funds to support our troops and their safety. The legislation she voted against provided $1.6 billion for body armor, $2.4 billion to help combat IEDs, and $3 billion for mine resistant vehicles.

And now she is saying that "this is not our fight." She wants to withdraw.

Could Hillary be running for office and want to go with the poilitical winds?

It’s too bad more politicians don’t share the fire that Burr and Hamilton emanated. You can show commitment without violence.

John McCain is the only current Presidential candidate that has stayed true to himself. Unfortunately, McCain’s campaign will flame because of the consistency of his convictions.

So WHERE ARE THEY NOW, the politicians with the character to stand by their convictions and fight for them to the death?

Two hundred years ago they were referred to as Patriots. Today we call them Insurgents.

July 9 - Pet Peeve Monday - Do Nothing Congress

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is about Congress again. They continue to not only under perform, but to shock me with their incompetence and lack of focus.

This Congress has not only NOT kept their eyes on the ball, their BALL WAS LOST.

Here are some of the latest transgressions.

They vote to investigate Congressman Jefferson (D-LA). Jefferson has been indicted for accepting $100K in bribes. Ninety thousand of which was found in his freezer.

Hey Congress, he has been investigated and charged by professionals, why do you need to investigate?

When the CSI sleuths solve a mystery murder, no one questions the experts. The guys from that Earl show don’t crossover to CBS to re-investigate. Congress, focus on YOUR job.

Congress has also been busy debating and voting on non-binding resolution. They don’t support the Troop Surge, they don’t like Attorney General Gonzales.

Hey Congress, if it’s NON-BINDING, why bother? I wouldn’t set up a hot dog stand at a Vegan Conference. You know why? Because it would be as much of a waste of time as these NON-BINDING RESOLUTIONS.

Congress’s approval ratings are even lower than President Bush. There is a reason. They haven’t DONE ANYTHING POSITIVE or to move the Ball forward. Again, lost ball, no movement. Congress, find your ball.

Where are we on Immigration Reform, Alternative Fuel Sources, Budget Deficit Reduction, or College Tuition Increase Caps?

This past week, Congressman John Conyers (D-MI) announced that he wants to spend time investigating President Bush’s commutation of Scooter Libby’s 30-month prison sentence.

Maybe Conyers is only trying to deflect attention from the current investigation into his own ethics, or lack there of.

Conyers is accused of repeatedly violating House ethics rules. His aides allege that Conyers used his staff to work on several local and state campaigns and forced them to baby-sit and chauffeur his children. Hell, if free childcare is an option, maybe I should run for office.

Hey Congress, I would like to let you in on secret. Bush is the President, he’s allowed to not only commute sentence, but he can grant pardons. It’s right there in the Constitution. You live in Washington; there should be a copy of the Constitution around somewhere.

Maybe if you find the Constitution, you might find YOUR MISSING BALL as well.

July 7 - Loser of the Week - Al Gore

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK is Al Gore, or Al Snore, as I have referred to him in the past.

Al was so busy this week promoting his Live Earth event; he forgot to answer his child’s plea for help.

Albert Gore III, the son of former Vice President Al Gore, was stopped for speeding on this week when police found illegal drugs in his vehicle.

Police reportedly found Marijuana, Xanax, Vicodin, Valium, and Adderal in the car.

Al Gore III had a similar run-in with officials back in 2003 when he was sent to rehab after police spotted him driving in freezing cold weather with his sunroof down. Police stopped him and found Marijuana in the car.

Al, GET OVER YOURSELF. Try to lower the temperature and anxiety index on your own family. Maybe you should give Tony Dungy a call to understand a child’s cry for help. We get it about the environment. I’m trying to cut down on my methane releases on a daily basis.

I won’t even address how much the Live Earth concerts negatively affected the perceived fragile equilibrium of today’s ecosystems. Was it really environmentally friendly to fly “rock stars” on private planes to far off destinations like Antarctica and Rio to raise awareness about Global Warming?

“Carbon Off-Sets” sound more and more like a ponzi scheme.

Al, focus on YOUR family before you become an even bigger LOSER OF THE WEEK.

July 6 - Friday Funny

I wish I could grow bushes like this. I think my neighbors enjoy my sense of humor, but I'm sure at some point my "lawn art" may prove unacceptable.