May 27 - The Indianapolis 500

Yes, boys and girls, It’s Story Time once again. With the Indianapolis 500 schedule to run this Sunday, I thought I would provide a look back at my brief interaction and knowledge of motor sports.

Now, I’ve never been to any kind of car race. I can’t tell the difference between 4 and 8-cylinder vehicle. I never watched Knight Rider, but I did see the Love Bug once when I was a kid. When I buy a car it’s because of the color.

I had the great fortune to meet Scott Sharp, one of the stars of the Indy Racing League (IRL). Scott Sharp was the 1996 IRL Indy Car Series co-champion, finished in fifth place in the 2005 standings, including a win at Kentucky Speedway. He is currently 11th in points this season. Scott holds the IRL record with 118 career starts.

My chance meeting with Scott Sharp was at a global management meeting in Jacksonville FL in January 2000. Because most of the other attendees were much older and of varied nationalities, I was chosen to sit next to Scott at the main dinner event. Someone thought I might help bridge the gap between the suave, sophisticated world of Indy Car Racing and the high tempo, fast life style of Corporate America.
The night got off to a great start when I jokingly leaned over to Scott and asked him, “So what do you do?” (Although others at the table thought I was serious). Scott was a great sport and I’m sure he must tire of the endless corporate flesh pressing. Scott was sincerer, down to earth and more friendly than many others at the event.

Scott will be starting in the eighth position in row 3 in Sunday’s Indianapolis 500. Good Luck.

May 26 - Friday Funny

I started training for a 200-mile bike trip I’m taking next month. There are a curious bunch of people you see at the gym. All ages and sizes are represented. However, this is one guy I haven’t seen there.

May 24 - Where are They Now? Wednesday

It’s time for the weekly edition of Where are They Now? Wednesday. This week we take a stroll back to the mid 1990’s to an Ohio State University Football game. Seated in the picture from left to right are my cousin and his wife, my sister, JERRY, and me and my wife.
What happened to Jerry?

One Christmas, he just did not show up for the gift exchange. If you have any information as to his whereabouts and or to what Jerry is doing now, please help ease my pain.

May 22 - Pet Peeve Monday

Yes its Pet Peeve Monday once again. It’s May Sweeps on Television which brings us to this week’s Pet Peeve – Season Finales. Specifically Season Finales with gun violence. Last week, I counted six shows that featured a crazed gunman shooting up the office place and talking hostages usually shooting a key cast member in the process.

First it was CSI, and a nut just happens to take the wife of another character hostage IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED CASINO. I’ve been in many casinos and I challenge anyone to find Waldo. Another main character gets shot negotiating with the hostage taker. Within two minutes of flat lining, the character makes a miraculous recovery and is sitting up talking in bed. Must be that clean Las Vegas living.

The show that immediately follows CSI is Without a Trace. This show should be renamed Without a Plot. The main character’s love interest is taken hostage by a serial murderer on this series finale. She somehow is unharmed at show’s end because at 45 she is pregnant, opening up a new story line for next season. When ratings decrease, add a baby or start jumping sharks. In truth, she probably just agreed to a pay cut.

Jumping the shark is a metaphor that denotes the tipping point at which a TV series is deemed to have passed its peak. Once a show has "jumped the shark," fans sense a noticeable decline in quality or feel the show has undergone too many changes to retain its original charm.

The phrase was popularized by Jon Hein on his website, jumptheshark.com. It alludes to a scene in the TV series, Happy Days, when the popular character, Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli, on water skis, literally jumps over a shark.

Other snippets from last week’s Season Finales:

Boston Legal – Hollywood Celebrity shoots photographer

ER – Gunmen invade the hospital

Conviction – The DA office is in a hostage situation after a wild shootout in the courthouse.

It used to be one incident for all of TV, like “who shot J.R.” on Dallas. Now every show tries to up the body count and the violence. This was just a sampling. Many more season finales haven’t aired.

Why can’t someone gun down Eva Longoria on Desperate Housewives? She made a nice blog appearance on May 11.

One happy note from last week is that Commander in Chief was cancelled. This show deserves a blog entry of it’s own. As they say in TV Land, Stay Tuned.

May 19 - Friday Funny Runaway Bride

It has been one year ago this month since Jennifer Wilbanks, 33, made headlines when she faked her own kidnapping and disappeared the day she was supposed to get married in Duluth, Ga. John Mason, 33, the jilted groom, amazingly took her back when she turned up three days later.

Now Mason is breaking up with Wilbanks, People magazine reported online yesterday. The two were living together in an Atlanta suburb, had just moved into a large new home and were reportedly talking about giving the wedding another shot. But earlier this month, Mason's friends and family said he nixed the idea of any nuptials — and they believe the break is for good this time.

"I think John realized there were some fundamental differences in their personalities that he wasn't going to be able to deal with," a friend said.

But in early May, Mason's camp let it be known that any nuptials were off – and suddenly the woman who couldn’t take "I do" for an answer seems to be having a problem with "I don't."

"I'm not confirming or denying the breakup," Wilbanks, 33, told PEOPLE May 14. "John and I have some things to work out."

Now, I’m no Dr. Phil, but I believe there IS someone for everybody. I believe Jennifer Wilbanks’ perfect match is none other than Marty Feldman, from Young Frankenstein.

Keep an EYE out for the announcement of their union.

May 18 - Ron Howard

Ron Howard of The Andy Griffith Show TV fame is directing a movie that comes out on Friday. Maybe you heard of it, The Da Vinci Code. Ron also directed the following great films: Splash, Parenthood, Apollo 13, Ransom, Cocoon, Backdraft, and A Beautiful Mind among others. I remember Ron singing “Gary, Indiana” in The Music Man as Winthrop Paroo. He was priceless.

He is the antithesis of child actors. He survived. How many movies tell you that no animals were hurt in the filming of this movie? What about the kids? Look at the Little Rascals. How many of them are still around? Just Robert Blake and you know he would be the last person of a Survivor: Child Stars reality series. The Hollywood Highway is littered with the corpses of past child actors: Dana Plato, Danny Bonaduce, Gary Coleman, ReRun, etc. Just watch True Hollywood Story on E!.

I have a three-fold connection to Ron Howard.

First, I played Marcellus Washburn (Buddy Hackett) in my high school’s production of The Music Man. Many said my interpretation brought tears to some in the audience.

Two, I met the real Jim Lovell, the character Tom Hanks played in Apollo 13 directed by Howard.. Capt. Lovell is a genuine person and is a true American Hero.

Three, I bumped into Ron Howard on a street corner in Century City, California in 1988. He was actually wearing a ball hat and sports coat. I was in a regular suit. We exchanged pleasantries. He asked if I was having a good day. I asked if Aunt Bee had forgiven him for killing that bird. We gave each other the guy nod and both went on to bigger and better things.

Good Luck Ron with the new movie. I’m sure Pinky Tuscadero is sleepless many nights wishing she had gone for Richie and not the Fonz.

May 17 - Where are They Now? Wednesday

It time for another edition of Where are They Now? Wednesday. This week we focus on the iconic TV show The Brady Bunch and specifically, the men of the show.

Now we all know the father, Mike Brady (Robert Reed) was an architect. He apparently designed the Brady house with a special closet. He emerged from that closet after the show’s run ended and passed on a few years ago. I always cringe a bit when I hear the lyrics, “Here's the story, Of a man named Brady, Who was busy with three boys of his own.”

But what happened to the rest of the male cast.

Greg Brady (Barry Williams) was on General Hospital for a while and even released some “Johnny Bravo” songs. I’m sure he’s appearing in a nice dinner theatre in south Florida at 4 p.m. Tuesday through Saturday, with a matinee on Sunday.

Peter Brady (Christopher Knight) finally completed puberty and recently had a reality TV show on VH-1, My Fair Brady. It showed the “real” life happenings of Christopher and a skank model, Adrianne Curry. Adrianne was right behind Jessica Simpson when they were handing out brains. Too bad Jessica took the last helping.

But what ever happened to Bobby Brady….

Well Bobby (Michael Lookinland) moved to Utah, got married and started a family. He’s busy with two boys of his own. He would have gone on to anonymity if not for a small incident in 1997.

Lookinland was treated for cuts and bruises and booked on drunk-driving charges in 1997 after he lost control of his 1990 Ford Bronco on a highway. His blood-alcohol level was measured at 0.258 percent after the one-car, single-occupant crash--more than three times Utah's 0.08 legal limit. He should have had some of that pork chops and applesauce instead.

Lookinland told police the accident occurred when he looked down to adjust the volume of his radio--attempting to crank the sounds of Johnny Bravo, no doubt--as he approached a curve. He drifted onto the left shoulder of the road, overcorrected his steering, and rolled his vehicle over at least twice. Estimated damage to the blue Bronco: $6,000--or, about 3,000 Bobby Brady allowances.

As for the other Brady men, Allan Melvin played Sam (the Butcher) Franklin on the Brady Bunch and appeared in 8 episodes. Sam owned a butcher shop, but the name of it was never mentioned. Bowling was really the only thing ever mentioned as far as his interests. Oh where have all the good butchers gone. Anyone name a butcher today is on The Sopranos. Allan also provided the voice of the cartoon character Magilla Gorilla.

May 16 - Alligator Aggregation

Today’s biggest news stories were Bush’s Illegal Immigration speech and Alligators in Florida have killed three people.

I’m sure a made for TV movie about Killer Gators is already in the works. It’s too soon to focus on sharks, and the bird flu movie that aired last week tanked.

Alligators even dominated the discussion at the local pub today. A patron tried to explain to me that the way to get away from a gator was to run zigzag. He stated that if you ran straight that a gator could catch you. I explain to him that I didn’t need to be faster than the gator, I just needed to be faster than him. I also brought it to his attention that he would have to in fact leave the bar and Ohio to have any real shot at “Alligator Tag”. Those chances were slim and none.

I have a novel solution to solve the gator and immigration problems.

Instead of a long fence, let’s dig a ditch, a moat in fact. We stock the moat with the 1-2 million alligators now inhabiting the disappearing Florida Everglades. It will cut down on illegal immigration and/or the alligators will be well fed. Either way its saves time and money deporting aliens and defending the transparent border.

The only problem would be to find cheap labor to dig the trench. Maybe we could get the illegal aliens to do it on their way out of this country.

The below picture is a six foot gator I encountered on my trip to a Florida golf course in March.
The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

May 15 - Pet Peeve Monday

This week’s Pet Peeve is dedicated to those people who identify themselves by using only their first name. They have convinced themselves and now they want us all to believe they are “Uber-Celebrities”. Early adopters of this fad were Madonna, Cher, and Jewel. It seemed to be limited to female musicians and then Prince came along. And still it was limited to female musicians. I expect a future CSI to be focused on locating Prince’s lost Y chromosome.

Soon every supermodel only had one name. Was it because they couldn’t remember their last name? Do what I do with my young children, pin it to your clothes.

Some new entries only use their first name plus their profession. Cedric the Entertainer should be sued for false advertisement. Larry the Cable Guy is another example. Some of the redneck comedians are funny in doses, but this spokesperson for Deliverance extras who isn’t really named Larry, or from the South, is just an embarrassment to humanity. “Git-R-Done” – I don’t think so. How about SHUT-R-UP!.

There are also those couples that are identified by their first names like Nick and Jessica. I’m just happy they are getting divorced. Nick Lachey seems like a reasonable guy. He likes Ohio State Football, Reds Baseball, and Blondes. But why is anyone interested in Jessica Simpson beyond her Clearasil / Silicone enhanced topical features? She is an empty-headed no-talent moron. We should use The Patriot Act to permit the government to put anyone who ever bought a Jessica Simpson record on a special island and do some bomb testing. Not only would you collectively increase the nation’s IQ, but also you’d stick it to Wal-Mart by getting rid of 80% of their customer base.

You don’t see this culture in the business world. Nobody says “hey lets get a meeting with Bill, Larry, and Warren.” (Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, Warren Buffet)

Even Jesus Christ goes by his full name. Especially when I use or misuse a hammer.

I won't even address the combining name phenomenon of "Bennifer", "Bragelena", or "JaJeidi". I'll save that for another day.

Happy Pet Peeve Monday from the Blogger now known only as JAY.

May 14 - Happy Mother's Day

What started as a good idea has been commercialized, as have other holidays: (See Easter blog about Jesus resurrection and Chocolate Bunnies). You can learn more about the altruistic start of Mother’s Day from this site.

My mother was not June Cleaver or Carol Brady. But she wasn’t Joan Crawford either. She was a single parent raising four children and doing the best she could on a below poverty level income. At one time she had four teenagers under her roof. Her hard life probably attributed to her untimely death at the age of 60.

She gave me some good advice. “Always wear clean underwear.” It turned out not only important in case you are in an accident, but overall, I think it promotes positive personal hygiene.

After completing Grad School, I decided to take a job in California. My mom gave me this advice.

“Son, there will be women that you will meet and fall in love with. You will spend large sums of money on them, wining and dining them, giving them expensive gifts and taking them on lavish trips. These women will only leave you and break your heart.

You will also meet other women not willing to make that level of commitment.”

She was wrong as I met a wonderful woman and moved back to Ohio nine years later.

The picture is of my mom visiting me in San Francisco in 1991.

So on this Mother’s Day, I salute my dear mother. I miss you daily.

I also want to recognize my wife, the wonderful mother of our three children. When I don’t give you a gift on Mother’s Day, its not because I don’t love and worship you. I just don’t want to lessen this day by contributing to its commercialization.

May 12- Friday Funny - Yard Art

This week’s Friday Funny is a local story that went national. A homeowner within our township wanted to erect a six-foot privacy fence in their backyard. Their house sits on a corner lot so they needed a zoning variance. They were unfortunately denied. To protest they erected a series of commodes. These are also known as toilets or indoor plumbing for those from Michigan.

From the Cincinnati Enquirer, “15 toilets sprouting with plastic flowers; dozens of purple, green, brown and white toilet brushes poking up from the lawn, and a host of multicolored pinwheels whirling in the breeze. There's also a plastic human skeleton sitting on one of the toilets and another one riding a plastic horse.”

Township zoning rules require the couple's fence to be at least 45 feet from the street. The couple says that almost all their neighbors - and the township development staff - supported their request for an exception. But the board of zoning appeals refused to budge.

Paul Drury, Anderson Township's assistant director of development services, said he gets occasional calls about the yard display. "Most of them are inquiries about why they're allowed to do that," he said. "We haven't found any zoning violations."

Somehow, it's okay to put 15 toilets in your yard, but not to erect a cedar fence. The homeowners have erected a web site for their cause.

I'm EXTREMELY happy to hear that there are no zoning restrictions about yard displays. Every year MY December secular yard display gets larger (picture below, right). This year it included:

An Alien
The Ghost of Christmas Past
The Ghost of Christmas Future
A Cyborg Pig
2 Reindeer (one was severely injured)
Holiday Shrek
Brutus Buckeye
Santa Claus in a Sleigh
A Giraffe
2 Flamingos



If you are scoring along at home:

Trailer Park Art – 1, Township Zoning - 0

May 11 - The 5 People I Meet in Hell (#3)

It’s time for the next installment of THE FIVE PEOPLE I MEET IN HELL (See April 26 Blog.).

To recap, Mitch Albom wrote a book a few years ago, The Five People I Meet in Heaven. Now, it’s my turn to use my poetic license, (yes I have one printed up), to alter his altruistic prose to illustrate my feelings and thoughts.# 5 was Oprah Winfrey, at #4 was Star Jones

And coming in at # 3 is ……….EVA LONGORIA

For those of you who say, “Who is that?”, Thank you. Her 15 minutes of fame clock is now at 14 minutes , 59 seconds. She appears (not stars) on the ABC show, Desperate Housewives.

I only need to provide some recent Eva quotes to make my point. She may even be higher on your list than #3.

“I like being small - I've known so many women with big boobs who feel overweight or end up with back problems.”

“I find it a turnoff whenever men aren't into some kind of sport. And, no, video games don't count. I dated a guy who was into video games, and I wanted to shoot myself.”

“To be with the same person for the rest of your life just sounds so drab.”

“My acting is still being recognized for the fact that I wasn't nominated.”

“The pinnacle for me was being on Oprah!” – a daily double, # 5 and # 3 in the same room.

She says of Prince William, "He's good-looking and dinner might be fun, but I'd hate to marry into the British royal family because of what happened to Princess Diana. I do like British guys though. If I had to pick one it would be Ewan McGregor. I met him once and he was gorgeous even if he is a little short."

"I've lost a lot of jobs because I was too pretty. And everybody's like, 'Oh, poor you.' But seriously, you don't get the good roles when you're beautiful."

"Even though Jennifer Aniston's had huge success, she'll always be Rachel Green."

According to some recent buzz, Eva Longoria does not plan to renew her contract with ABC's Desperate Housewives. Longoria said, "I don't want to be on 7th Heaven -- on for 20 years and no one's really watching and it's hanging on by a thread."

Do you envision her in hell yet? I didn’t even talk about when she was pulled over earlier this year with her boyfriend, Tony Parker, and she berated the cop because she was a “celebrity”.

In the picture, Eva Longoria has truly mastered the art of snobbish posturing here. Just check out the position of that nose. Now that’s what I call talent.

May 10 - Blogosphere + One

I like to do a shout out to someone that was inspired by my blog to create his own blog, Phil’s Gab Central. I had 23 bosses in 21 years at a large midwestern computer company. This gentleman was one of the best. Phil and his wife are pictured below at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas. We were there on an award trip after a year of great sales. Incidentally, his wife comes from Michigan, has a trouble with tequila before noon, but does eat with utensils. There must have been an intervention or some tough love in order to domesticate her.

May 10 - Where are They Now?

In keeping with some regular themed days like Pet Peeve Monday and Friday Funny, I would like to introduce the first installment of “Where Are They Now? Wednesday.”

I spend a lot of time, scratching my head and saying, “what ever happened to so and so?”

It may be someone that was famous or someone in my personal past. If you would like to submit a candidate, let me know. The web is a powerful tool. Think of this weekly column as an amalgamation of Unsolved Mysteries, America’s Most Wanted, and the old This is Your Life TV shows.

As for those that were famous, I will do my best to deliver the answer. If I don’t know or if you have additional information, I will provide updates through my blog. I believe that the web can prove the Six Degrees of Separation theory.

In 1967, sociologist Stanley Milgram created what is known as the "small world phenomenon," the idea that every person in the United States is connected by a chain of six people at most.
Milgram's "six degrees of separation" theory has trickled down through popular culture, inspiring renditions such as the Kevin Bacon game.

I can’t solve world hunger, but I can try to reduce the six degrees down to four and possibly solve the question, What ever happened to so and so?

The first installment of Where are They Now? Wednesday is below.

This week’s Where are They Now? Wednesday centers on a picture. I recently began to digitize some pictures from my past and ran across this gem from the late 80’s. I’m not sure if this was a fan from one of my karaoke performances, a competitor I trounced at a Euchre Tournament, or someone that was once engaged to one of my sisters.
Please help me solved the mystery of what happened to Brian (yes, he's on the left).

May 9 - Hawaii 1991

Throughout my travels I’ve had the opportunity to cross paths with many interesting characters. From time to time I will share these stories.

In 1991, I attended a Sales Award trip to Hawaii. I was staying at the Hyatt Regency Waikoloa. While watching sports at an outdoor tiki bar one Sunday morning, a young boy came up, climbed up on the high- backed stool and sat down next to me. He couldn’t have been more than four years old, but he knew a lot about sports. As he tried to leave and step off of the stool, he started to fall and I caught him. At the same time his dad saw the entire incident and ran over to thank me and bought me a morning cocktail. His dad was OJ Simpson.

Below are his autograph and a copy of O.J.’s 1972 football card. What is interesting is that I don’t collect football cards or autographs. I found them in an old box as I was spring-cleaning. I wonder what O.J. finds when he does his cleaning?

May 8 - Pet Peeve Monday

My Pet Peeve this week centers on driving again, or ironically the lack there of. I drive the 275-east loop from Ohio into Kentucky about three times a week. And about three times a week I see someone parked on the side of the road picking up rocks, stones, or boulders.

As the sign states, the highway berm is reserved for emergency stopping only. It is to be used for people running out gas or getting a flat tire. It is to be used by dads to show the kids they weren’t kidding about “stopping the car and coming back there.” It has also been used at times as a nature break for things that cannot be held until the next exit. Note, it is still good form to pantomime as if you ran out of gas.

The “rock gathers” create possible horrific results should an accident occur. How many times have you read about people running into a “disabled vehicle on the side of the road"? And why, so they can save money, by stealing rocks instead of paying for them. I say let them as the sign says, “Adopt the Highway.” This would give them full and exclusive use of one-mile of interstate.

They could not only collect as many stones to complete that nice walkway in front of that double-wide, but they would have unlimited access to mystery meats for the family stew. Was that opossum, deer, or Toto?

Additionally, they would have to clean up their mile of any trash or debris. The irony is that is that they will probably be cleaning up a random stretch of highway anyway as penance for their next DUI. The positive is that they could plea bargain to clean up their personal mile of highway rather than a HTBNL, (Highway to be Named Later).

I’m just trying to turn my Pet Peeve into a positive. As always, I’m part of the solution, not part of the problem.

May 5 - Friday Funny - Not Today

This week’s Friday Funny is being replaced with FANTASTIC FRIDAY. If you haven’t noticed, I’ve had a break in Blog Postings. That is because this was the week of my annual trek to Myrtle Beach for some golf and good times. We have been going down to the “Grand Strand” for about 10 years in groups ranging from 4 to 12 players. I went sans PC thus eliminating my blogability (new word – check next year’s Webster). Anyway, now to the FANTASTIC part of Friday. Jim, (the golfer to the far left of picture) claims to be a 9 handicap. I’m not sure if Jim knows that the handicap is for 18 holes and not for nine. His handicap was in question as he in fact “wiffed” at his tee shot on the first hole on Thursday’s round. Jim ended the day somewhere north of 100 strokes.

As we fast forward to Friday and the 3rd hole at Tidewater. This hole is a downhill, 142-yard, par 3 with a three-tiered green. Tidewater is recognized as one of the top 10 courses in the area. Jim deftly took out a wedge and hit a beautiful lofted shot into the heart of the slope of the second tier. The ball gently rolled down the slope and squarely into the center of the cup for an ACE. Now, I’ve never seen a hole in one so I didn’t know what to expect.

There was screaming and shouting all around and Jim did a jump that I can only compare to Ross on Friends. He leapt a full 3 inches off the ground flailing his arms in a manner inconsistent with manhood. Nobody knows how to react when achieving a hole in one, but I am now going to practice my celebration dance as much as my putting.

Of all the golf I have played the last 4 years, about 90% of the time it is with Jim. I could not have been happier for anyone, unless I hit the shot. Jim, thanks for providing me with a FANTASTIC FRIDAY.

May 2 - The Five People I Meet in Hell (#4)

It’s time for the next installment of THE FIVE PEOPLE I MEET IN HELL (See April 26 Blog.). http://jaysjabberwocky.blogspot.com/2006/04/april-26-5-people-i-meet-in-hell-5.html

To recap, Mitch Albom wrote a book a few years ago, The Five People I Meet in Heaven. Now, it’s my turn to use my poetic license, (yes I have one printed up), to alter his altruistic prose to illustrate my feelings and thoughts.

# 5 was Oprah Winfrey, at # 4 is ….STAR JONES.

People know her from “The View”, but wonder where did she come from? She first came into our homes as a Court TV reporter covering the William Kennedy Smith trial. Somehow she parleyed that and a few thousand doughnuts into her current position. She's a perfect example of someone with no talent whatsoever becoming famous purely because she exists on television.

But it’s not her weight that bothers me.

• It’s her politics and how she plays the race card every chance she gets.


• It’s her staging of her boyfriend ("gayfriend"), Al Reynolds, popping the question at a LA Laker game, as she acted stunned, surprised, and hungry.


• It’s her whoring all corporations and sponsors to donate goods and services to her wedding and honeymoon.

There is actually a “Star Jones Drinking Game” that has been distributed on the web. The rules are that you drink whenever -

- Star says the word 'Bling.'

- Whenever Star refers to a celebrity as belonging to her, as in, "Here comes my girl, Nicole Kidman." or "Please welcome, my man, Jamie Foxx."

- Whenever Star mentions the husband, you should have to go in the closet and drink.

The only reason she is #4 on my list and not higher is that “The View” just announced that Meredith Vieira ‘s (whom I do like) replacement will be Rosie O’Donnell.

Now there will be catfight between Star and Rosie over the Krispy Kremes. They should put that on Pay Per View.

May 1 - Pet Peeve Monday

I first addressed this topic as just an issue in my March 29 Blog about Illegal Aliens. It has now been raised to the stature of a PET PEEVE.

Let's see if I have this right: Thousands of ILLEGAL immigrants and their children are demonstrating that the U.S. Congress must change the laws they've BROKEN.They hold signs in Spanish demanding rights while waving Mexican flags. Their protests disrupt traffic and normal commerce. Now they change the words and meaning of our Star Spangled Banner when they translate it into Spanish.They send their earnings back to Mexico (without paying income taxes); our public schools provide their children a free education (without collecting any property taxes); and they get free medical services for their families (while raising the rates for those that are insured). We also pick up the tab for the criminal aliens that account for 27% of all inmates in the federal prison system.It is basic economics that if you can’t control supply (the flow of immigrants across the boulders) then you affect demand (the companies that hire the illegal aliens).

I welcome LEGAL immigrants ... the ones who honor our laws and assist in supporting the infrastructure that they use.

Unfortunately with our attention-deficient society, the weekly media cycle had moved on. To recap, two weeks ago the issue was Immigration. Last week the news was all about Donald Rumsfeld, and his lack of support among retired Generals. This week the issue was obscene Oil Company profits.

However with the release of a Spanish version of The Star Spangled Banner, the May 1 protests, and Cinco de Mayo this Friday, I’m sure the story will get nuevo piernas (new legs).

It would be ironic if not tragic that more people are killed in Los Angeles on May 5 than on any other day of the year. It’s not because of violence but because of celebration. The Mexicans, legal or not, fire their guns into the air in celebration of Cinco de Mayo. The law of gravity takes over and the bullets fall to earth and strike and kill innocent people. I lived there in the late 80's. I stayed inside on May 5th. No one every gets shot on St. Patty’s Day, they do shots.

Today (May 1) they planned and held a large boycott where many immigrants, legal or not, did not go to work. They should have waited till May 5 or 6. They don’t work those days anyway.

I proudly shopped at Kroger, Target, and Wal-Mart today to show my American support. And you know what, it was a nice change to have the employees speak English to me. Do you think we could have a boycott every Monday? It really decreased my total shopping time.