November 28 - We're Number One

National Championships in both sports would be a crowning achievement. For the time being, Ohio State can savor being the first school in nearly 33 years to be ranked #1 simultaneously in football and men's basketball.

Ohio State is only the third school to hold No. 1 rankings in both sports at the same time.

The last time was in January 1974 when the Notre Dame football team was voted #1 after defeating Alabama in the Sugar Bowl on Dec. 31, 1973. Less than three weeks later, on Jan. 19, 1974, the Notre Dame basketball team was #1 by ending UCLA’s 88-game winning streak.

The only other school known to have been #1 in football and men’s basketball simultaneously was UCLA in 1967. The Bruins held the #1 ranking in football for one week in November, when the basketball team was the reigning NCAA champion but the season had not begun.

Two things will define the argument.

The #1 OSU football team will play for the National Championship on January 8, 2007.

The OSU Basketball team may not hold onto the #1 ranking all season long. In basketball , you have the undeniable championship because of the playoff design of March Madness.

So, until then, enjoy the moment.

As I was exiting my Columbus hotel the morning after the OSU-michigan game, someone said to me, “It’s a good day to be a Buckeye.”

I responded, “Every Day is a Good Day to be a BUCKEYE.”

November 27 - Pet Peeve Monday - Uncivil War?

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY has to do with NBC deciding to declare that the Iraq War is now a CIVIL WAR. Their Press Release stated:

“After careful consideration, NBC News has decided the change in terminology is warranted and what is going on in Iraq can now be characteritized as civil war."

Now, I don’t care if it’s a war, a battle, a skirmish, or just irreconcilable differences.

I don’t care if it’s Iraqi War I, Persian Gulf War II, or a Civil War.

Is it important that the next Stallone film is named Rocky Balboa or Rocky VI? Either way, Rocky V left many questions unanswered, so the important thing is the film content not the title.

What I do care about is that NBC took it upon themselves to decide to call it a Civil War. They even came up with some new graphics. It also happened to be November and sweeps month.

It doesn’t matter what it is called. It’s only semantics and shameless self-promotion.

I would have expected this out of CNN or CBS, but NBC? Come on guys, I hold NBC to a higher standard; they got rid of Katie Couric.

For the record, GlobalSecurity.org, an online source of military information, defines "civil war" this way:

"A civil war is a war between factions of the same country. There are five criteria for international recognition of this status: The contestants must control territory, have a functioning government, enjoy some foreign recognition, have identifiable regular armed forces and engage in major military operations."

Under this definition, the war in Iraq does not qualify for "international recognition" as a civil war on several points.

•The insurgents do not control territory.

•The insurgents have no functioning government. They are mostly members of religious factions.

•The insurgents do not have "identifiable regular armed forces." Many are civilian suicide bombers or armed civilian attackers who don't wear uniforms and blend into the citizenry.

•The insurgents don't engage in major military operations; they make sporadic attacks, mostly against civilians rather than directly against armed troops of the government.

So there you have. NBC, I now declare you a lame network. How about REPORTING the news and stop trying to BE the news.

See my new graphic and it’s NOT a show about weight loss. It’s a show about the NBC News organization.

November 23 - Turkey Trivia

Instead of a FRIDAY FUNNY this week, I offer you some Turkey Trivia.

Turkeys originated in North and Central America, and evidence indicates that they have been around for over 10 million years.

The American Indians hunted wild turkey for its sweet, juicy meat as early as 1000 AD. Turkey feathers were used to stabilize arrows and adorn ceremonial dress, and the spurs on the legs of wild tom turkeys were used as projectiles on arrowheads. They also shared a place in their folklore. The Navajos tell of an enormous hen turkey that flew over their fields bringing them corn and teaching them how to cultivate their crops. The Apache Indians considered the turkey timid and wouldn't eat it or use its feathers on their arrows.

In Mexico, the turkey was considered a sacrificial bird. As an article of tribute Montezuma received 365,000 turkeys per year from his subjects.

Benjamin Franklin was displeased when the bald eagle was chosen over his proposed "original native" turkey as a national symbol. He said the turkey is a more respectable bird and a true original native of America.

Until 1863, Thanksgiving Day had not been celebrated annually since the first feast in 1621. This changed in 1863 when Sarah Josepha Hale encouraged Abraham Lincoln to set aside the last Thursday in November "as a day for national thanksgiving and prayer."

Turkey eggs are pale creamy tan with brown speckles, and twice as large as chicken eggs. They hatch in 28 days. A baby turkey is called a poult and is tan and brown.

Domesticated turkeys (farm raised) cannot fly. Wild turkeys can fly for short distances at up to 55 miles per hour. Wild turkeys are also fast on the ground, running at speeds of up to 25 miles per hour.

A large group of turkeys is called a flock.

Only male turkeys (toms) gobble; females (hens) make a clicking noise. The gobble is a seasonal call during the Spring and Fall. Hens are attracted for mating when a tom gobbles. Wild toms love to gobble when they hear loud sounds or settle in for the night.

Turkeys have great hearing, a poor sense of smell, but an excellent sense of taste. They can also see in color, and have excellent visual acuity and a wide field of vision (about 270 degrees), which makes sneaking up on them difficult.

Turkeys are fed mainly a balanced diet of corn and soybean meal mixed with a supplement of vitamins and minerals. On average, it takes 75-80 pounds of feed to raise a 30-pound tom turkey.

Mature turkeys have 3,500 or so feathers at maturity.

The Guiness Book of Records states that the largest dressed weight (cooked, with dressing) recorded for a turkey is 39.09 kg (86 lb.) on December 12, 1989.

More than 45 million turkeys are cooked and eaten during Thanksgiving.

The average weight of turkeys purchased for Thanksgiving is 15 pounds. A 15-pound turkey typically has about 70% white meat and 30% dark meat.

Americans feast on approximately 535 million pounds of turkey on Thanksgiving.

Last year 2.74 billion pounds of turkey were processed in the United States.

Californians are the biggest turkey eaters in the country. They eat three pounds more turkey than the average American consumer.

Ninety percent of American homes eat turkey on Thanksgiving. Fifty percent eat turkey on Christmas.

The good old-fashioned turkey sandwich is the most popular way for Americans to prepare the fowl, accounting for 44 percent of consumption.

North Carolina produces 61 million turkeys annually, more than any other state. Minnesota and Arkansas are number two and three. Arkansas was #2 before the Clintons relocated to New York.

When U.S. astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin sat down to eat their first meal on the moon in their historic 1969 voyage, their foil food packets contained roasted turkey and all the trimmings.


Happy Thanksgiving.

November 22 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - George

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is a good friend and former roommate, George. As luck would have it I have solved a mystery of my June 7, Where Are They Now? I found George. First some background.

George joined NCR in 1985 after I had been there a year. George’s lasting legacy at NCR happened during a intracompany sporting event. George was the only person ever flagged for two personal fouls on one basketball play. George took out two defenders on a drive for a lay-up. Because he charged, knocked over, and hurt two players, he was assessed two fouls.

George had also graduated from The Ohio State University, so we hung together and lived in the same apartment complex in Dayton, OH.

We took skiing trips to Michigan, a white-water rafting trip to West Virginia and were part of group Halloween costumes for several years. Pictured below is one of our group costumes. We were part of a six pack of beers.

George, and another friend, Scott, and I also took a life changing vacation to California in 1986.

At the end of trip I professed that I would never live in California. George indicated that it was only a matter of time for him.

As fate would have it I was offered a promotion in the summer of 1987. I was given the choice of Memphis or Southern California. I chose warmly.

I offered any of my buddies the opportunity to join me on my California Dreaming adventure. No one said, “Yes.” I sweetened the deal and said, “Free rent until you find a job.” George took one large step forward.

I had a plan. I always say, “ Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.” George just heard “free rent.”

The first nine months flew by, as George could not find employment in a land where people are climbing fences and swimming rivers to get to jobs that go unfilled. I believe the unemployment rate was actually the lowest in history, except in my household. George was exploring all options as he at one point invited the local Jehovah Witnesses in for a chat. See August 4 Friday Funny on Organized Religion.

Before George could land the job, he did close the best deal of his life. He met, dated, and got engaged to his future and current wife, Shannon. Shannon had effects on George that I couldn’t motivate. George got a job and moved in with Shannon. I moved on as well, taking a promotion that took me to Northern California.

See George work. See George get an MBA. See George buy a house. See George procreate. See George procreate again.

Through the years, George and I have kept in touch. I was in his wedding. He sent me a card for mine.

Scott, George, and I re-united in California (picture below) for the 1997 Rose Bowl when Ohio State beat #1 Arizona State.

We also saw the Sept. 20, 2001 game when Ohio State visited UCLA. Ohio State lost that game. It was the first weekend of sports after 9-11. Results didn’t seem as important as before.

George then traveled back east for the Ohio State football game when the Buckeyes visited Cincinnati at the beginning of their 2002 National Championship Game campaign.

We have also had family get togethers. My family would travel to California to see the in-laws every time a new grandchild would appear. We would meet up with George, Shannon, and their 2 kids, at a restaurant that neither one of us could ever visit again.

As we fast forward to last weekend, George, Scott, and I met for the 2006 edition of The Game, when Ohio State played michigan.

George updated us on his California life. All sounds good. Some thought that George and Kato Kaelin would be life long roommates. The only person to have greater, unpredicted success in California than George would be Arnold Schwarzenegger.

November 20 - Pet Peeve Monday - Thanksgiving Break?

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is about The Children. Specifically about how fragile they are. No, not in a mental sense and how we need to coddle them and love them and support them.

They are fragile in a physical sense. Broken bones, hematomas, and ER trips to be exact.

In 2005, every one of my four children went to the ER. Three had broken bones and the fourth required stitches.

We had made it through 10 months of 2006 without a single trip to the ER. Since November 1, we have made 3 trips to the ER.

One visit was inconclusive. We rubbed dirt on it and he walked it off.

The second visit resulted in a broken clavicle for Sophia. I blogged about Sophia on November 7.

In between the second and third visits, Jack suffered an injury to the bridge of his nose that still hasn’t healed. He was pushed while getting on the bus and landed face first on the bus steps. We are holding off on the ER for him as he already has two broken arms on his record. We are concerned about a possible three strikes penalty with Child Protection Services. (Joking)

The third ER visit for the month was immediately following the below photo of Skye roller-skating at a Girl Scouts’ outing on Monday night.

She broke her left arm. As she recounted, this will be her second consecutive Thanksgiving in a cast. She had broken three bones in her foot last November. Oh, those priceless childhood memories.

I must blame most of this on my wife’s genes. I never broke anything but a few windows and promises.

Whitney Houston once said. “The Children are our Future. Treat them well and let them lead the way.” However she also said, “I Do” to Bobby Brown in between trips to rehab. So I’m not sure what to believe.

I have officially canceled the annual Thanksgiving Pumpkin Toss, as my insurance carrier no longer covers it.

I have ordered three over-sized bubbles for my three youngest children to live in for the remainder of 2006 and the near future.

So my PET PEEVE is why can’t they make children as strong as they were when we were kids when we walked through the snow, up hill, both ways to school.

If Children are indeed our future, they should come with a warranty or at least labels like “Fragile, Handle with Care.”

November 19 - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly - Michigan Recap

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance.

November 18th. It was a date circled on many people’s calendars.

Was it for the wedding of Tom Cruise and what’s her name? Talk about someone that needs an intervention.

Was it because Martha Stewart was in Cincinnati to promote her new book, "Martha Stewart's Homekeeping Handbook: The Essential Guide to Caring for Everything in Your Home?" This book retails for $45.00. A book that costs that much better have some stock tips.

For everyone else, November 18th was the biggest game in the history of the biggest rivalry. 11-0 OSU versus 11-0 michigan.

I decided to take in the entire experience and traveled to Columbus with two buddies the night before THE GAME.

We decided to go see the pro-Buckeye, punk rock band, The Dead Schembechlers. I blogged about the band on November 10.
Ironic for some, but tragic for many, Bo Schembechler had died earlier that day. The band showed a unbelievable level of class and decided to donate proceeds from Friday night’s concert to the Schembechler family’s favorite charity. They also decided to retire their name. For those keeping time, their 15 minutes of fame have expired.

They did release the following statement from their web site:

"The band is crushed to learn of the death of Bo Schembechler. We named this band after Coach Schembechler to honor him as the face of Wolverine football. We have never wished ill will upon him in any way and have always wished him the best. When we learned that Bo had seen our web site and was amused by it we were delighted. We were simply delighted. He said to those with him as he read it, "See, I still matter in Columbus!" That may have been the greatest understatement in football history. We believe that he took the band's name as the compliment that it was meant as and that he was flattered by it. We wish to extend our deepest and most heartfelt sympathies to his family. We are truly sorry for their loss"

The concert itself was festive and exiting. It was more of a pep rally. The band played their cults favorites, “Bomb Ann Arbor Now” and “Chad Heine is a Joke.” Both can be seen on Youtube.

On game day, the mass of people was unbelievable. In my 25+ years of attending Ohio State football games, I could not remember seeing more people. The crush of fans made movement almost impossible. It didn’t subside during or after the game. There may have been 105K people inside The Shoe, but thee was just as many outside the stadium.

An old friend and roommate from California flew in for the game. Now that George has been located, he will be the subject of this week’s Where Are They Now? Wednesday.

I won’t detail the actual Good, Bad, and Ugly from the game as I have done for the previous 11 weeks. Everyone saw The Game, and everyone has their own opinion.

I will say that the officiating was somewhat suspect in two controversial calls that kept michigan drives alive. The first was a call that I’ve never heard of about engaging the long snapper during a punt. It may be a rule, but the big ugly center from michigan looked like he fell over on his own. The second travesty was a pass defense call against OSU on a fourth and long play late in the fourth quarter.

Ironically, LLLLLoyd Carr, (an “L” for each loss to Coach Tressel), commented on the officials. He did not thank them but decided to criticize them when they assessed a late hit penalty against michigan that was so obvious that even Brent Musburger agreed. Speaking of Brent, he is such a bad announcer, that someone has created a Brent Musburger drinking game. I haven’t played it, but it may make him more tolerable by the time the fourth quarter comes around.

Now that we can all exhale and recover from the game, it’s sit back and wait time to determine whom OSU will play in the BCS National Championship Game on January 8, 2007.

I'm glad the students decided to behave like they had been there before and didn't riot and set fires after the victory like they did in 2002. A piece of Ohio State field turf did somehow make its way to the fourth floor of the Holiday Inn.

Many people think michigan may get a re-match. I think the bad calls and three OSU turnovers kept OSU from being a three-touchdown winner. I’m not a fan of sequels. They are never as good as the original, think Caddy Shack 2 or O.J. Simpson’s 2nd marriage.

Other Championship Game suspects include Florida, Arkansas, USC, and Notre Dame. All of these match-ups have good story lines except for the Razorbacks.

When Ohio State wins the Championship Game, they will become the only 2-time champion since the BCS was created in 1998. Other past winners were:

1998 – Tennessee
1999 – Florida State
2000 – Oklahoma
2001 – Miami
2002 – THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY
2003 – LSU
2004 – USC
2005 - Texas

Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.

GO BUCKS.

November 17 - Friday Funny - Why I Chose OSU

For the past four FUNNY FRIDAYS I have been sharing with you jokes at the expense of our neighbors to the north in michigan. I’ve provided links to those blogs below.

November 10
November 3
October 27
October 20

Rather than to continue to embarrass a school and state that already has an inferiority complex, I thought I would also like to tell you why I chose The Ohio State University.

As a senior in High School, the world was my oyster. The problem was that I didn’t have the finances to get to the ocean or to learn how to fish (if that is how they get oysters). Additionally, I did not like the look (think snot) and taste (think snot, again) to want to eat oysters.

I had the grades to get into other universities and actually entertained the thought of attending a service academy like West Point. I applied and was accepted to the University of Notre Dame, but the scholarship and grant-in-aid monies fell well short of my means. Besides, no one likes an arrogant ND graduate that can only live and die by how their football team performs.

It was almost a default decision on why I went to The Ohio State University. It was close and cheap.

My freshman year I was overwhelmed at first, as there were actually more students at OSU then in my hometown. I didn’t live in the dorms, so meeting people was at my own volition.

In my second year, I moved into a house with 15 other guys. Many of the occupants had been in school for 6-7 years, but were not doctors or even medical students. One occupant actually had a GPA of 1.99 and had enough credit hours to graduate. The problem was that he couldn’t get his GPA above the mandatory 2.00 threshold. Since no one living in this house had ever graduated, I wanted to be the first.

It was during this sophomore year that my funds dried up and I was forced to supplement my student loans and my college work-study with external employment.

I took a job at the campus Holiday Inn as the Night Auditor working from midnight to 8 a.m., five days a week. It was fine, because I would catch a free breakfast at the hotel buffet and head off to my 9 a.m. class. I would “zero-out” the books about two a.m., which would leave ample time for study. Or so I thought. My grades began to sink.

It’s hard to study in the middle of the night when you have shows like Mission Impossible or Rat Patrol on the TV. There was only one 24-hour TV channel, WTBS, available, and I had to watch it.

If video games, 500 channel TVs, or the Internet were available in 1982, I probably would have never finished school.

It was during this crucial year that I found my voice and vision. In the wee hours of the morning, I determined what I wanted to do with my life. It became really obvious the night the Holiday Inn was robbed by 2 gunmen and the security guy decided to jump into the elevator to avoid the confrontation. It was at that moment I decided that being a Night Auditor was not the “Dream Job.” I decided to refocus my attention on my studies and graduation.

It was that simple decision that defined me and determined who I would be throughout my life.

So, why such an affinity for Ohio State sports?

I’m not sure. My brother and sister graduated from the same university yet do not share my unbridled enthusiasm. But as the great philosopher, Popeye, opined, “I am what I am.”

While this may sound a bit like a commencement speaker, which was once a subject of a Pet Peeve Monday, I would encourage anyone, when selecting a college to make the most of your decision. My decision appeared to be random at the time, but it defined me.

While your college may not be a major football powerhouse with a rich tradition like Ohio State, I’m sure there are some positives that you can accentuate. If not, then I guess you could just go to the university of michigan.

In closing, I have provided some links to uplifting videos about The Ohio State University.

Enjoy, and GO BUCKS.

November 17 - "Do Something Great" Video


I could not have said it better. Leave your mark.

GO BUCKS.

November 17 - Ohio State, "I Want" Video

I don't endorse all of the language in this video, but I have seen or experienced everything within the dialogue.

BTW, the video references the Neutron Man. He passed away after this video was created. The autopsy ruled the cause of death was in relation to too much elation immediately following the 2002 National Championship. So for 2006, let's all be careful out there.

GO BUCKS.

November 15 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - NewsRadio Cast

Originally pre-empted by the John Kerry flap, this week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is the cast from NewsRadio.

"NewsRadio" was a sitcom that explored office politics, relationships, and crises through a group of co-workers at WNYX NewsRadio, New York's #2 news radio station. It was a more topical version of WKRP in Cincinnati. It started to be syndicated this fall.

Dave Foley stars as the haggled news director, Phil Hartman and Khandi Alexander portray sniping anchor people, Maura Tierney is the ambitious supervising producer, Stephen Root is the station's eccentric owner, Vicki Lewis does wacky secretary, and Joe Rogan is a tech-happy electrician. Andy Dick was type cast as the office loser. The cast and their episode participation is below.

Dave Foley Dave Nelson (71 episodes) (1995-1999)
Stephen Root Jimmy James (71 episodes) (1995-1999)
Andy Dick Matthew Brock (71 episodes) (1995-1999)
Maura Tierney Lisa Miller (70 episodes) (1995-1999)
Joe Rogan Joe Garrelli (70 episodes) (1995-1999)
Vicki Lewis Beth (68 episodes) (1995-1999)
Phil Hartman Bill McNeal (63 episodes) (1995-1998)
Khandi Alexander Catherine Duke (53 episodes) (1995-1998)


So, Where Are They Now?

David Foley now appears on a BRAVO TV Series about Celebrity Poker. He has put on some weight, but other than Nicole Ritchie, who hasn’t?

Stephen Root has remained busy. He played Richard Clarke in “The Path to 9-11” and was in that Dodgeball movie with the multi-talented thespian, Vince Vaughn.

Andy Dick last appeared in an E! Network, True Hollywood Story about his decline into drugs, poor driving, and abnormal behavior. It was a short trip.

Maura Tierney has been a regular on ER since 1999 or 149 episodes at the start of this season.

Joe Rogan has been the host of Fear Factor since 2001.

Vickie Lewis has done animated voices in movies like Finding Nemo. The interesting thing is that she graduated from my local High School.

Phil Hartman was probably the MOST talented member of the NewsRadio cast. A seasoned veteran of Saturday Night Live, Hartman was married to Brynn Hartman. Her claim to fame was that she shot Phil three times: in the forearm, neck, and head. Brynn left the house and later came back with a friend to show him the dead body. When her friend went to call 911, Brynn locked herself in the bedroom with Phil's lifeless body and stuck a second gun in her mouth and shot herself. Not much of a second act.

Besides Tierney, Khandi Alexander is probably the most prolific ex-NewsRadio cast member. She was on ER for a few years and is a charter member of the CSI-Miami, having appeared in every episode. Having to be in the same scene with David Caruso should garner her some award.

In summary, the cast from NewsRadio has enjoyed overwhelming post cancellation success. To a person, they have all moved on and for the most part upward, except for that Dick guy.

I’m happy to see the series in syndication. Although it only lasted 5 seasons, many of the plots are timeless.

It is one of my 5 all time favorite comedy series. If you think you know the other 4, guess again.

November 13 - Pet Peeve Monday - The Wave

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is dedicated to my friends to the north of me in michigan.

For those of you that are uninformed or new to this country (but somehow have high speed internet access), The Ohio State University plays the BIG GAME against michigan this coming Saturday.

I have many PET PEEVES about michigan. It could be how michiganders explain where they are from by holding up their left hand and pointing to a spot. It could be how they talk about their easy access to Canada. I’m sure Canadians are so, so proud of their easy access to michigan, (insert sarcasm smirk here.) Or it could be how they seldom marry outside of their tribe. Think cousins marrying and the shallow end of the gene pool.

But one thing that has irked me for many years was THE WAVE. What irritates me is not only the act itself, but the fact that michigan and others would fight over who invented it. THIS IS A PET PEEVE.

A wave is a coordinated sequence of actions taken by the audience members in which a group of spectators lying along a radial line extending outward from the sport field all stand up and raise their arms, then return to a normal seated posture again as the neighboring group of spectators takes their turn to stand up. If you can’t understand these instructions, then Shampoo bottle instructions may also be a challenge for you.

Although, michiganders proclaim they invented “the wave”, the exact origin of the wave is disputed. Its growth may be traced across three different sports, spread over three different North American countries. It is claimed to have been created (by chance) at a National Hockey League game in Canada in 1980. It was introduced to a wider audience (by intent) at a Major League Baseball game in the United States in 1981. Whatever its origin, by the mid 1980s the practice was widespread throughout North America. It gained international notice at a FIFA Football World Cup game in Mexico in 1986 (hence it being known as a Mexican wave by some). This is not to be confused with “the wave” of illegal immigrants FROM Mexico.

Most disturbingly, there is a real dispute between the University of Washington and michigan. Some claim that the first wave originated in Seattle at the University of Washington's Husky Stadium on October 31, 1981, at the prompting of Robb Weller (later Entertainment Tonight co-host). Weller, a 1972 Washington graduate, was the guest “Yell-King” during the Huskies' homecoming football game against the Stanford University Cardinal (led by junior quarterback John Elway). Personally, I would never announce that I was the Yell King.

Apparently, michigan cheerleaders brought it back to michigan where it was “fine-tuned.” They added dual waves, silent waves, simultaneous waves in opposite directions. Wow, that is like removing the smell from dog dung and calling it a pâté.

The largest recorded wave was at a university of michigan versus OHIO STATE football game in 2005 when 111,591 fans performed the “feat.” That assumes there were not any non-wavers, people at the bathroom, or people that couldn’t follow the directions. Where was the Pied Piper when you needed him? Lake Erie can’t be that far away. Now that would have been something I could have stood for. Below is a picture form that 2005 20052 game. Huh, OSU won again.

It must be noted, however, that despite the spectacular sight of an entire stadium performing the wave, it is often a signal of an uninteresting performance of the actual sporting event, which forces the audience to seek for something to entertain themselves. Now I know why michigan would have the largest and most enthusiastic wave.

I have NEVER been a fan of The WAVE. In fact, if I’m standing when it comes around, I sit down. I’m a WAVE BUSTER if anything at all. Ask anyone who has ever attended e a sporting event with me.

I would hope that michiganders would have a better chance of fame than to try to claim credit for something they didn’t invent and for something that is irrelevant and a bad idea. They could acknowledge starting syphilis. At least there is a cure for it.

I do have some friends from michigan and I’m sure they would agree.

I play baseball on Sundays with Jim, a michigander. Granted, Jim is not only slow of foot but sometimes he forgets to show up for some games. They call him Lucky because he was able to move out of michigan and was granted asylum in Ohio.

My other michigan friend is the wife of an ex-coworker. She came over to one of my muck fichigan parties. Unfortunately, she missed most of the game as she forgot that tequilla was not a good chaser for tequilla shots.

So this Saturday, when THE WAVE comes at you, think outside THE SHOE. DON’T DO IT.

GO BUCKS.

November 12 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - Northwestern Recap

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance.

It’s time to get the party started. Muck Fichigan week is here and it promises to be the biggest ever, #1 versus #2. But first, let’s recap this week’s thrashing of Northwestern, 54-10. It was Ohio State largest offensive output in over 10 years.

OSU improved their record to 11-0. They maintained their #1 ranking in all major polls including the BCS.

THE GOOD

• Scoring Defense – Even though OSU gave up 10 points, OSU remains #1 in SCORING DEFENSE at 7.8 per game.

• Turnovers – OSU ranks 1st nationally in interceptions with 21 on the year.

• Special Teams – OSU blocked two Northwestern punts. I’ve been wondering where that intensity had been all year. In the past, it seemed we blocked a punt every other game. I believe these were the first blocks this year.

• Balanced Offensive Output – Troy Smith throws for 4 TDs to three different receivers. The backs totaled 229 yards with Chris Wells gaining 99 yards on 11 carries (and no fumbles).

THE BAD

• Fumbles – Pittman had a red zone fumble.

• Extra Points – OSU missed two more extra points. It could be critical at some time in the next two games.

THE UGLY

• Northwestern Fan Support – There were 47K fans Ryan Field and almost half were wearing Scarlet And Gray. Is it a bandwagon or do you not look well in purple?

The most amazing statistic from this season is that OSU opponents have not scored a single point after OSU’s 13 turnovers this year. Inversely, OSU has scored 127 points off of their opponents’ turnovers. If you cannot grasp this dichotomy, then you don’t know football or probably know what dichotomy means.


My WTF moment came over the course of the weekend as the #3 Louisville, #4 Texas, #5 Auburn, and the #8 California football teams all decided that the possibility of being embarrassed by Ohio State in the National Championship game was to much to bear and decided to lose now. It was a sad game of Musical Chairs when the music stopped and they were seat less.

Vegas sites have already handicapped the remaining field:

OSU favored by 4 points over USC

OSU favored by 6 points over Florida

OSU favored by 7 points over Notre Dame

I personally would love to play “genius” Charlie Weis and Brady Quinn of Notre Dame. Maybe Brady could get his twisted sister (at right) a maternity jersey to wear this year. She made herself a "story" last year when she was dating OSU linebacker A.J. Hawk when OSU played ND in the Fiesta Bowl. She tried to honor both teams. Some call it fashion, I call it multiple personalities.

Now it’s time for THE GAME. Every year, when Ohio State visits michigan, I throw a Muck Fichigan party. Every year, when michigan visits THE SHOE, I travel to Columbus. This year will be no exception. I will be in Room 402 at my usual prime location. There’s still some space on the bandwagon, so RSVP your attendance at my tailgate party.

GO BUCKS.

November 10 - Friday Funny - Countdown to &ichigan - Take Four

I began a weekly series of michigan jokes three Fridays ago. It is the lead up to the big game on November 18. This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is part four in the series. THE GAME is only 1 Saturday away.

Q: How many university of michigan freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course

It was reported that michigan head football coach Lloyd Carr would only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: How do you keep a wolverine out of your backyard?
A: Put up Goal Posts.

Q: What’s the difference between yogurt and a wolverine?
A. Yogurt has culture.

Q: What do you get when you drive by the university of michigan?
A. A degree.

Q. What does the average michigan player get on his SAT?
A. A. Droll.

Interestingly there is a band named The Dead Schembechlers. They are based in Columbus and they all dress like Woody Hayes when they perform.

Twisted, but funny.

Below is their “hit” song, “Bomb Ann Arbor Now.”



Dead Schembechlers: Bomb Ann Arbor Now

GO BUCKS!!!

November 7 - Broken Dreams

We had hoped to have a break-free year in 2006. In 2005, all four children made trips to the Emergency Room. Three kids had broken bones and the fourth child required stitches.

The tranquility that was 2006 was broken (literally) at 11:37 p.m. on Thursday, November 2. Sophia fell out of bed with a thud. The resident physician (her mother) gave her 2 Tylenols and put her back to bed. Dr. Frankenstein had better bedside manners.

The next morning, I suggested to Sophia that she buck it up and ”walk off the injury.” However, she was unable to lift her left arm without pain. It was off to the ER and the usual interview with Child Protection Services. As the X-rays confirmed, she had a broken left clavicle.

If all goes well, she will be able to recreate the below OSU Touchdown cheer in time for the michigan game on November 18.

Go Sophia and Go Bucks.

November 6 - Pet Peeve Monday - Non Voters

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is dedicated to all those folks that will find a reason NOT to vote on Tuesday. We have the GREATEST system of government in the world, yet this year’s eligible voter turnout will probably be fewer than 50%.

It could be that the negative campaigning has turned you off. It could be that there are too many things to vote on.

Here is what I do. I vote FOR WHAT and WHOM I KNOW ABOUT. You don’t have to fill in every box. It’s not a test where no answer is a wrong answer.

I believe that there should be an intelligence test in order to vote, but that will never fly. I also believe there should be a pre-screening mechanism in order to procreate, but that would never work. That would literally take all of the fun out of it. I’ll save those arguments for another blog.

Many people wrap themselves in the Constitution and the purported infallible wisdom of our Founding Fathers. See my 2nd Amendment criticism for more ammunition, (pun intended). Many people forget their History 101.

Most of the states decreed that only white males were eligible to vote, and most limited the vote to those white males who owned a certain amount of property. (In other words, if you were a renter, you couldn’t vote.) Since only a small minority of white males owned enough property to qualify, the vast majority of the population was denied the vote. By some estimates, less than 5% of the population were eligible to vote in the election of 1800.

The below passage is taken from Section 2, Article I, of the original US Constitution.

“Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons.)”

After reading this three times, this is why I tell my kids that algebra is important. You try and do that math.

People, times have changed. If you can breathe, are an American citizen, and are over 18, you can vote. Hell, if some places you don't even have to be alive (Chicago) or a citizen (California).

At any rate, as most people know I’m apolitical. (insert laugh here).

However, there is one issue, I hope all Ohioans will vote on this year.

Please VOTE NO on ISSUE 4 and YES on ISSUE 5 for a SMOKE FREE OHIO.

Vote no on Issue 4, the pro-smoking constitutional amendment.

• Issue 4 keeps smoke in restaurants and many public places.


• Issue 4 leaves 500,000 hospitality workers and their customers exposed to dangerous secondhand smoke.


• Issue 4 overturns smoke-free laws already in place in Columbus and 20 other Ohio cities and prevents anyone from ever passing a smoke-free law without an amendment to the constitution.


• Big Tobacco companies back issue 4.

Vote YES on Issue 5, the real smoke-free public places law.

• Issue 5 defends your right to breathe smoke-free air in all restaurants, public places and workplaces.


• Issue 5 protects all workers, families, children and seniors from the dangers of secondhand smoke.

A YES on 5 will allow me to explain that I was stuck in traffic and not actually watching the game at the local pub. The smell of my smoke-filled clothes will no longer betray me.

Don't be fooled into skipping Issue 4 or voting for both! Issue 4 is a constitutional amendment.

If Issue 4 passes, it would cancel out Issue 5. Vote no on Issue 4.

So my PET PEEVE is that not enough people take the time to vote. Also should you see this right to vote as a privilege, so please, VOTE INTELLIGENTLY.

Don’t let your lack of voting or voting for the wrong issues provide fodder for my FUTURE PET PEEVES.

I’m J. Jay Lewis and I approved this message.

November 5 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - Illinois Recap

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance.

You can breathe now. In a throwback to 2002, Ohio State hung on for a 17-10 win over a pesky Illinois team. It started off looking like most other OSU victories as OSU raced to a 17-0 lead. Then, the play calling began to look more like 1996 with John Cooper than the 2006 Tressel version. Run middle, run middle, run middle, and punt.

At any case, I told people that OSU needed a scare before michigan in order to focus. OSU had been winning by an average of 29 points per game with the closest call being by 17 points over Texas. Now they have had their close call, let’s get down to business.

OSU improved their record to 10-0. They maintained their #1 ranking in all major polls including the BCS. michigan also received a scare from Ball State. Ball State had seven plays from inside the 10-yard line in the last minutes of a 34-26 michigan win.


THE GOOD

• Scoring Defense – Even though OSU gave up 10 points in the 4th quarter, OSU remains #1 in SCORING DEFENSE at 7.6 per game.

• Turnovers – OSU ranks 3rd nationally in interceptions with 19 on the year. James Laurenitis picked up his 5th of the year.

• Kicking Game – Pettrey kicked a 50 yarder and Trapasso got plenty of action with 7 punts including a 60-yarder to clinch the game. OSU had no punts the previous week.

THE BAD

• Troy Smith – 13-23, 1 INT, 0 TDs and 108 yards. Smith may have opened the Heisman window for the self-promoting QB from Notre Dame. Charlie Weis isn’t above stat padding. One would guess that Weis gets another bonus or at least more doughnuts should a ND player win the award.

• Rushing – Pitman ran 32 times for 58 yards. Warren “The Refrigerator” Perry (at right) had better numbers and all of his carries resulted in touchdowns. I fault the Offensive Coordinator for running Pittman up the middle and not wide.

THE UGLY

• Second Half Offense – OSU had 29 TOTAL YARDS in the second half. Twenty-nine yards used to defined a stalled drive

A muffled shout-out goes to Chris Norwell, junior defense player from Illinois. Chris is from my local high school and had five tackles including a sack. I’m glad to see a local boy do well, just not against the Bucks.

My WTF moment came when “Beanie” Wells put the ball on the turf for the 5th time this year. He should be renamed ”Teenie” because that is how much playing time he is going to get if he continues to act as a “short possession” back instead of a “short yardage” back.

Ironically, another touted freshman. Maurice Clarett, on the left, fumbled three times against this week’s opponent, Northwestern. Hopefully, Mo is holding onto the soap better than he did the football.

This week’s early line has OSU favored by 22.5 points over Northwestern. I vividly remember the last time we went into NW Chicago. OSU lost in a night game 33-27 , in overtime.

Let’s get in, get out, and move on to THE GAME.

GO BUCKS.

November 3 - Friday Funny - Countdown to &ichigan - Take 3

I began a weekly series of michigan jokes two Fridays ago. It is the lead up to the big game on November 18. This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is part three in the series. THE GAME is only 2 Saturdays away. The laughter continues....


michigan Coach Lloyd Carr asked one of his players “What will you be when you graduate?” The player said. “Forty.”

Q. Do you know why the Post Office chose MI as the official abbreviation for michigan?
A. It stands for Mostly Idiots.

Q. What do you call a dope ring in Ann Arbor?
A. A huddle.

Q. How many wolverines does it take to stop a bus?
A. Never enough.

Q. Where was O.J. Simpson hiding before the famous white Bronco chase?
A. On the michigan campus, because that would be the last place someone would look for a football player.

Q. Why does Mrs. Carr put Lloyd’s Fruit Loops on a plate?
A. Because if they were in a bowl, he would lose them.

Q. What is the first thing a michigan cheerleader does in the morning?
A. Goes home.

Q. What does it say on the back of every michigan diploma?
A. Will work for food.

GO BUCKS.

November 1 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - John Kerry

Originally, this week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY was not going to be about John Kerry. I had previously blogged about Mr. Kerry on June 2 as a FRIDAY FUNNY.

I was going to use my WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY to catch up on the cast of the TV show NEWSRADIO.

I’ll publish that blog on a future Wednesday.

No one can find John Kerry today. Kerry was to appear today at Democratic rallies in Iowa, Minnesota, and Pennsylvania. He was asked to not appear by the candidates in those states.

This issue got started when Kerry tried to make a joke about Bush and ended up insulting everyone who had ever worn or currently wears a uniform, along with their family and friends. Not a good demographic to alienate, Mr. Kerry.

What Kerry said Monday at a campaign rally was this: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

What exacerbated the issue was Kerry’s total refusal to apologize. This elitist and his ilk deserve to lose. Kerry probably also cemented his 2008 political future. Hillary must be doing cartwheels or at least somersaults. Another competitor is out of the 2008 race.

Kerry still doesn’t get it. His stubbornness or lack of a connection to the “American People” is on display for all to see. I always love it when a politician says, “The American People want to know….” They have no connection to the American People.

I speak for all the Americans, I know, when I say, “SHUT UP and pass some Immigration Reform, Social Security Reform, or how about Campaign Finance Reform?” Get that done and then check back with me. I’ll contact some more American People and I’ll draw up another list. There is plenty to do.

As for John Kerry he was probably for an apology, before he was against it.

Here is a picture from 2004 of Kerry trying to be a regular American, now that’s funny!!!

Better yet is the joint picture of Bill Clinton and John Kerry with their respective constituents.

So WHERE IS JOHN KERRY NOW? He is probably wind surfing near one of his seven homes. Well I’m sure he’ll poke his head out at some point. He needs to get his allowance from Mrs. Heinz. However, he will forever be known as the Junior Senator from Massachusetts with Teddy Kennedy as his mentor.

The below picture is of a man that wears make-up, pretends to be someone he is not, and attempts to make us laugh. The other guy in the picture is a clown.