August 4 - Friday Funny - Knock, Knock, Who's There?

When I lived in Southern California, there were a multitude of religions solicitors that would knock on my door.

My out of work roommate, George (at far left), would often invite these zealous dogma peddlers into our house. I’m not sure if he was trying to find himself or if he was just bored. I remember in one particularly busy month, two Mormons, two Catholic nuns, and a Jehovah Witness visited us.

I remember George trying to convert the nuns to his way of life as they were trying to save his soul.

Now that I’m in Ohio and at home most days, the only people who stop by are Girl Scouts or people wanting to cut my grass. I’m dying to debate organized religion with any designated recruiter.

I attended Catholic School for my first 12 years of education. During that time, we studied other religions. I’m not sure if it was to broaden my knowledge of alternative religions or to solidify my Catholic faith. As it turns out, the best education came from living life and meeting others. Here is what I have learned about the Jehovah Witness (JW) faith.

• Heaven is only for select Jehovah's Witnesses


• Heaven is limited only to 144,000 Jehovah's Witnesses (why would they recruit more people, it only reduces their chances?)


• You are discouraged from attending college (University of Michigan is acceptable)


• All governments are controlled by Satan. (OK – they may be on to something)


• You cannot be a police officer or serve in the military


• You cannot buy Girl Scout cookies (too bad, they could combine two jobs with one knock)


• You cannot marry a non-Jehovah's Witness (hello-? - what are your chances anyway?)


• You cannot be a cheerleader (unless it is for the JW religion)


• You cannot run for or hold a political office (wow-would you get more than 144K votes?)


• Jesus did not die on a cross but an upright pole (not to be confused with the Festivus pole)


• You must go from door to door weekly to gain converts (no kidding)


• Men cannot wear beards (I’m out)


• You cannot have a tattoo (My wife is out)


• You forbidden to say "God bless you" when someone sneezes.


• You cannot be involved in martial arts, boxing or wrestling

I doubt that any Jehovah Witness will complainthis blog. They have taken a vow of non-violence, so if they do respond with aggression, they will have to return their JW membership card.

As a safety precaution I will not be reviewing Islam or recounting my nice dinner with Solomon Rushdie in any future blogs.

Here a few good JW jokes I’ve heard over the years:

Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses get killed during an earthquake? They're always in your doorway. - Johnny Carson

I'm in the Jehovah's Witness protection program. I have to go around knocking on people's doors and telling them I'm somebody else. - Steven Wright

I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. - Bruce Clark

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an agnostic? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.