February 27 - Academy Award Update

The Academy Awards are now, finally, over.

I made several predictions in my blog on the outcome of the awards.

I corrected predicted four of the five major categories. I also predicted it would go long and be boring. (OK – that wasn’t that hard).

I also predicted Al Gore would win something. I did NOT predict that he had personally tried to solve world hunger, one person at a time, starting with himself.

He could play the role of “Mr. Turkeyneck” from the new Fed Ex commercial.

Here’s a picture of Al Snore at the Oscars:

February 26 - Pet Peeve Monday - Car Magnets

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is Car Magnets.

One of the most popular magnets is the yellow ribbon that supports our troops.

Here is my response.

The Yellow Ribbon was inspired because of the 1973 song by Tony Orlando and Dawn, "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree.”

Upon researching the web, I found out:

“The song was based on an actual incident that occurred aboard a southern bus bound for Miami. One of the passengers explained to the driver that he was just out of prison, having served three years for passing bad checks. In a letter to his wife, he had written that she didn't have to wait for him; but, if she was still interested, she could let him know by tying a yellow ribbon around the only oak tree in the city square. As the bus rolled down U.S. 17, nearing the man's hometown of White Oak, Georgia, the driver was asked to slow down so that all could see whether the ribbon was in place. To the man's tearful relief, it was. The driver pulled over and phoned the story in to the wire services, which spread it all over the country. Songwriters Irwin Levine and L. Russell Brown read it in the newspaper, then put together their million-selling ballad.”

NICE. Not actually about the troops, but the dreams, wishes, and whims of a check bouncing redneck convict.

Maybe I was naïve, as I thought the lyrics about prison were euphemisms for Vietnam, and the inmate was a soldier, coming home. I don’t think I was alone. I can argue youth and Catholic School influences. What is your excuse? What is our collective excuse to continue to patronize this falsehood?

Here is my magnet for you troop supporters.

There is strong possibility that the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan might be a little too busy to be checking out the pseudo-patriotic magnet on the back of a 1989 Hyundai at the local strip mall. If you want to support the troops, ENLIST.

Why do you need a magnet to state your beliefs? What about actions?

Why do I need a pink ribbon magnet with "Find a Cure" written across it, to announce that I support breast cancer research? Is anyone REALLY PRO-CANCER?

Here’s a novel idea, don’t buy a magnet and give the money you would have spent on a car magnet DIRECTLY to support breast cancer research.

Why should 50% of the cost of the magnet go to magnet manufacturers located in another country?

I bet they don’t support cancer research or our troops. I bet they support our dollars and their own PROFITS.

My Pet Peeve should be yours as well.

February 25 - And the Award for Boring goes to ....

Here are my Academy Award projections:

Best Picture: "Babel," "The Departed," "Letters From Iwo Jima," "Little Miss Sunshine," "The Queen."

I only saw “Little Miss Sunshine.” I loved it. It is my winner.

Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond"; Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson"; Peter O'Toole, "Venus"; Will Smith, "The Pursuit of Happyness"; Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland."

I didn’t see any of these movies. I choose Forest Whitacker. The Academy always wants to have a diversity winner to keep their political correctness charter.

Actress: Penelope Cruz, "Volver"; Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal"; Helen Mirren,"The Queen"; Meryl Streep, "The Devil Wears Prada"; Kate Winslet, "Little Children."

Helen Mirren – when in doubt, go with the a Brit.

Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Jackie Earle Haley, "Little Children"; Djimon Hounsou, "Blood Diamond"; Eddie Murphy, "Dreamgirls"; Mark Wahlberg, "The Departed."

I predict it will be Alan Arkin. He is the only one I saw. Besides, I think Eddie Murphy did his best work as Gumby.

Supporting Actress: Adriana Barraza, "Babel"; Cate Blanchett, "Notes on a Scandal"; Abigail Breslin, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls"; Rinko Kikuchi, "Babel."

I would have thought Hillary Clinton should have been nominated for her continuing portrayal of a woman in love with her man. I can’t remember the last time I saw them together. However, I give it to Jennifer Hudson. Hollyweird loves a story like hers.

Finally, I predict Al Gore will win something, much the same way the Dixie Chicks took home trophies at the Grammies. It’s not about his individual performance, it’s about his political leanings. Maybe he can lay a wet one on his wife again and make the show just a little bit longer.

I know that is what we all want, a longer Academy Awards show.

February 23 - Friday Funny - Gator B. Gone

This is Funny. I think Nike had a good idea that something like this would happen.

When I view the video, I can't help but think of that Dixie Chick song, "I Ain't Ready to Make Nice."

February 21 - Where Are They Now? Wednesady - Ohio Border Patrol

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is the Ohio Border Patrol.

Why is this important? It is because the new Ohio Governor, Ted (one-termer) Strickland was recently quoted in response to Ohio’s ability to accept Iraqi war refugees.

The Bush administration plans to allow about 7,000 Iraqi refugees to settle in the United States over the next year.

On February 14, Gov. Ted Strickland had a message for President Bush:

Strickland stated, “I am sympathetic to the plight of the innocent Iraqi people who have fled that country. However, I would not want to ask Ohioans to accept a greater burden than they already have borne for the Bush administration's failed policies.''

Gov. Strickland stated that any plan to relocate thousands of refugees uprooted by the Iraq war to the United States shouldn't include Ohio.

So my logical question is, how is this enforced? Where is the Ohio Border Patrol?

I recently tested the security of the Ohio border. It was quite porous. I went form Ohio to Kentucky to Ohio and back Kentucky over a series of bridges. I crossed the border undetected. At one point I even removed my shoes, (when entering Kentucky), to test any possible enhanced border alerts or triggers.

In reality, a guard shack between Michigan and Ohio would be helpful. Stopping the migration of michiganders into the Buckeye state would help raise Ohio education scores and reduce prison populations.

Strickland joins a growing list of Ohio politicians that speak first, think second, and usually apologize for their STUPIDITY.

Last week the Cincinnati City Council voted to reject Bush’s troop surge strategy in Iraq. It seems the City Council had solved all of the local crime, economic, and infrastructure issues so that they could now move on to larger, international issues.

As a member of the neighborhood crime watch, I’m going to move that we expand our span of coverage to address the situation in Darfur.

February 19 - Happy President's Day

As in the past, I skip my PET PEEVE MONDAY when it falls on a Holiday Monday. This Monday is no exception, as it is President’s Day.

Now I could be upset about how the grouping of Washington and Lincoln TOGETHER trivializes their INDIVIDUAL contributions to this country.

I could state how it isn’t fair to combine these 2 great men, when Martin Luther King, Jr. and Cesar Chavez (CA state holiday) get an entire day for themselves.

I could argue the putridity of the circumstances that President’s Day now seems to belong to ALL OF THE PRESIDENTS. I actually saw a car commercial announcing a President’s Day sale. They chose to honor William Henry Harrison. He was only the President for one month. The cars had to be lemons.

I could really get PEEVED about the de-emphasis of what President’s Day is all about. BUT I WON’T.

Presidents have always played a part in my life. The only toys I have kept from my childhood are a collection of miniature figurines of each President. They have lasted almost 40 years. There have been a few casualties:

• Thomas Jefferson lost his legs
• Harry Truman lost his arm
• Lyndon Johnson lost a leg
• Bill Clinton lost my respect

I’m just kidding. My collection stopped at Richard Nixon.

Below is a photo of MY Mount Rushmore:

James Monroe, Abraham Lincoln, Richard Nixon, Teddy Roosevelt

My son has also become interested in the Presidents. It started when pint sized Presidents Taft and McKinley would take on 2 Ninja Turtles, Darth Vader, and Buzz Lightyear in battle.

It transformed into a true knowledge transfer. Jack learned all of the Presidents, in order, at the age of five. I blogged about this accomplishment and posted a video illustrating it on October 17, 2006.

February 16 - Friday Funny - All My Daddies

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is the continuing saga about the paternity of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. This is much better than any story line they could write for Erica Kane on “All My Children.” This should be titled “All My Daddies.”

My PET PEEVE MONDAY this past week was about the Anna Nicole Smith coverage.

At the time there were four gentlemen (?) that claimed they were the father of Anna Nicole’s baby. I suggested the smart money would be placed on “The Field.” It means that there were probably more possibilities out there.

Surprise, Surprise. There have be two more candidates come forward. That brings to SIX, the proclaimed fathers of this child. There are almost more people in the hunt than are running for the Democratic nomination.

If Bill Clinton was eligible to be President, he could win the daily double here.

Where is Hugh Hefner? He has got to have a play in the paternity game.

It sounds like Anna Nicole had more action than most Jackie Chan movies.

The latest entry to play the Wheel of Paternity Misfortune is Mark "Hollywood" Hatten (at right)

He claims he "willfully gave a sperm sample to then girlfriend Anna Nicole Smith, which she gave to a doctor for future use. He writes, "I allege that I could be the father of Dannielynn by means of artificial insemanation (sic)."

Why does he write? Because, he is in prison. Hatten, who is currently serving a seven-year sentence in Pleasant Valley State Prison, had a brief relationship with Smith in 2000. Cops believe Hatten began stalking Smith soon after their relationship fizzled. Hatten, who tattooed himself with Smith's likeness (looks like it was fat- Anna), was also convicted of beating up Anna's neighbor.

Pleasant Valley State Prison sounds like a Monkees-Johnny Cash crossover song.

In a related matter, Britney Spears was quietly sworn in as the “Next Bleached Blond Bimbo Train Wreck.” She was unavailable for comment and she does not remember and has checked into rehab. At some point, Britney found time to get a nice haircut.

Editors Note: Be careful if you try a Boolean search for “Britney Spears bald” into your Internet search engine.

February 14 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - My Philanthropic Friends

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is focused on my dear, dear friends. This message is directed to my philanthropic friends to be exact.

Not all my friends, just the ones I have been supporting for many years. I’ve participated in:

• Girl Scout Cookies Sales
• Magazine subscriptions to Grit and Reader’s Digest Sales
• Spirit Book Sales
• Raw Cookie Dough Sales
• Community Saver Book Sales
• Popcorn Tin Sales
• MD Carnivals
• Christmas Wrapping Paper Sales
• Public Television Memberships
• Starving Artists’ Art Sales (there is a reason they are starving)
• Third World Child Sponsorships
  

I’ve attended countless fundraisers for every disease known and a few I didn’t recognize. I’ve worn tuxes, suits, cowboy wear, and even dressed as Elvis for their causes.

Personally, I think if we would spend a little less time at these functions and a little more time in the lab, we could probably solve a few of these medical mysteries. Do the names Louis Pasteur and Jonas Salk come to mind? I bet neither one of them owned a tux and were made to attend fundraisers. But I digress.

My WHERE ARE THEY NOW (WATN) is focused on where is the support for my cause?

The American Lung Association is hosting “Climb the Carew”, a 45-floor, stair climb at the Carew Tower in downtown Cincinnati, Ohio on Sunday, February 25, 2007.

My participation in the event will help the American Lung Association in their work to eradicate lung diseases such as asthma, lung cancer, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD, emphysema and chronic bronchitis), cystic fibrosis and many others.

The proceeds from “Climb the Carew” will fund research for better treatments, education to reduce the impact of respiratory illness and support for people with lung disease and their loved ones.

To date, I have received sponsorships from:

1. Carol B.
   
2. Phil C.
   
3. Kathy H.
4. Tom K.
5. George L., a previous WATN subject
6. Larry K.
7. Chuck L.
8. Greg S.
9. Scott T.
10. Sue W.
11. Jeff L.
12. Steve K., who works at the Carew Tower and also promised to stash Bud Lights every 5 floors.

THANK YOU TO ALL OF THE ABOVE FOR YOUR SUPPORT. Send me those cookie order forms.

My WATN is addressed to the rest of you. Where are the rest of you on this cause? Are you Pro-Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease?

My goal for this event is to raise a total $804. That is $1 for each step I will be climbing for better lung health. I am asking you to help me reach my goal. Please take this opportunity to show your support by making your pledge now.

To pledge your support, please visit MY SITE at the American Lung Association of Ohio.

I will post my results on February 26 or when I catch my breath.

Thank you in advance for your support.

February 12 - Pet Peeve Monday - Anna Nicole Smith

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is a no brainer.

Enough with the tragedy about Anna Nicole Smith.

Enough with the comparisons to Marilyn Monroe.

Enough with the speculation about her cause of death.

Enough with the media pundits posturing about what’s next for her little baby.

Enough with the non-stop news coverage.

Enough, Enough, Enough!!!

It wasn’t TRAGIC, it was EXPECTED.

She didn’t have a talent. She didn’t make this world a better place. She had a good plastic surgeon. Her body of work was her body. Flags at strip joints all around Texas are at half-staff. That sounds like an ED problem that could be fixed by Viagra.

The only good news is that although her infant daughter will be with out a mother, it appears she will have at least four fathers at last count. The movie could be titled, “Three Men and a Baby and a Stiff.”

It is only a matter of time before Vegas starts to lay odds on the potential paternal sweepstakes winner. Here are my odds.

Howard K. Stern (10%) – He’s the lawyer that has never had a client, including Anna Nicole. She didn’t have enough faith in him to have him handle any of her mounting legal issues. Stern was the gold diggers’s gold digger. He’s Kato Kaelin with a degree.

Larry Birkhead (40%) – He’s the ex-boyfriend that has claimed paternity since day one. He became the odds on favorite due to Stern’s constant legal denials of Birkhead’s desire to test the paternity. By my calculations, if he is the father, Birkhead still has 12 minutes of his 15 minutes of fame.

Frederick Prinz von Anhalt (1%) – He is Zsa Zsa Gabor’s NINTH husband. With Zsa Zsa just celebrating her 90th birthday, maybe her husband had some free time during Zsa Zsa’s daily nap. This is known as the ZZ, ZZ defense.

J. Howard Marshall (5%) – Although he died in 1995, the story is gaining momentum that his seeds were saved and were frozen. If that is the case then Ted Williams and Walt Disney may also have a chance.

Field (44%) – This is the horse bet you make when you are sure none of the named front-runners will take the race. Based upon the pace at which paternal claims were coming out of the closet last week, this may be the best bet.

In summary, Anna Nicole was not famous, she was infamous. There is a big difference. She subscribed to the Oprah Winfrey’s diet program with a better ending: She’s fat, she’s thin, she’s fat, and then she’s dead.Anna Nicole was not a frequenter of rational thought. Her last interviews made Ozzy Osborne look like the Toastmasters' defending champion.

I’m disappointed at myself for not placing Anna Nicole as one of the ten people I predicted that would die in 2007. For those keeping score at home, I’ve correctly nailed one so far.

I’m more upset that Anna Nicole didn’t die in fiery car crash with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton in the car. That too, would NOT have been a TRAGEDY. The Real TRAGEDY would have been the two empty seats not occupied by Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie because they were in rehab.

So this week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is that people consider Anna Nicole Smith’s death a Tragedy.

February 9 - Friday Funny - Insert Own Lawyer Joke

A Sign of the Apocalypse:

Student sues university over grade

"BOSTON (Reuters) - A student is suing a Massachusetts university over what he says is an unfair grade in a philosophy course, saying it could kill his chances of entering law school.

Brian Marquis, 50, said on Wednesday that he filed the lawsuit against the University of Massachusetts last week after receiving a "C" instead of the "A minus" he had expected."

Ironically, one of the world’s most famous philosophers, Aristotle said, “A is A” referring to his “Law of Identity.” Apparently in this case this philosopher wanna be is known for “C is A-.”

And by the way what is up with a 50 year old in undergraduate school. I hope he has been red-shirted for the last 31 years. There is no way this person should be allowed into a law school, especially if his first act is to file a frivolous law suit.

Personal note to my 18 year-old son about college, “Four and done, because my fifth year support will be none.”

February 7 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Manly Snickers Advertisers

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is dedicated to the marketing geniuses behind the Snicker’s Super Bowl Ad.

The ad in question showed two mechanics looking under the hood of a car. One mechanic decides to eat a snickers bar. The second mechanic is overtaken with envy and bites into the bar while mechanic #1 is still engaged. The two tough guys eat their way down the bar, until they accidentally kiss. It’s a remake of the scene from the Disney movie, “Lady and the Tramp”; except it was dogs and they were eating the same string of pasta.

The mechanics recoil in disgust and decide to do something “manly,” their words, not mine. They start ripping out their chest hair with their hands. Whenever I want to do something manly that is the first thing I think to do.

Here is the irony. The ad offended STRAIGHTS AND GAYS.

Many heterosexuals were offended. If I want to see same sex kisses, I would watch the “L Word.” Many gays were upset because the ad was clearly homophobic, based upon the mechanics’ responses.

For those of you that did not see the ad, it has been posted on YouTube.

Amazingly, Snickers had two alternative endings for the commercial. One choice was labeled, "Motor Oil." After the guys kiss, they say "I think we just accidentally kissed, quick, do something manly," and proceed to drink motor oil and anti-freeze. They guzzle it down, screaming at the top of their lungs, making them sick to their stomachs. The underlying message is that it is better to die a violent death than to be gay.

The other rejected choice was titled, “Wrench.” The two guys accidentally kiss, they say to each other again "quick, do something manly," and one guy proceeds to pick up a huge oversized wrench and violently attack the other guy, while the second takes the first and throws him under the hood of the car, slamming it down on his head. The underlying message for this ad is to kill the gay guy.

Not surprisingly, Snickers had pulled the ads from circulation and from their web site. I used to think Three Musketeers had some explaining to do, but not anymore.

I’m sure there will be some more outrage by the same Janet Jackson folks from a couple of years ago. The only exception is that Snickers has united the gay and anti-gay factions under one mono-colored umbrella.

Snickers wasted $2.6M to buy the ad and untold good will in showing it. My only question is who were the marketers behind this ad campaign and WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

February 5 - Happy Birthday Zack!!!

I have suspended my Pet Peeve Monday this week. It is a time for celebration.

My oldest child turns 18 today. On February 5, 1989, Zachary Zane came into this world.

Pictures of Zack’s progress can be seen on a web page I designed for him. Additionally, Zack has entered the information super highway with his own page and blog.

One of my favorite pictures (at right) is of a young Zack dressed to kill.

As a High School senior, he will embark on a college career next year at an undisclosed location.

People always say, “Enjoy your kids, they grow up so fast.”

I disagree. My kids are seeming to take forever to get out of diapers, to learn to read, to get a job, and to move out. (Just Joking – They really need a font for sarcasm.)

Zack has not only inherited my sense of fashion, but also my sense of humor.

He regularly plays the part of a gorilla in many extra curricular functions.

February 2 - Friday Funny - Groundhog Day

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is dedicated to Groundhog Day.

For the record, Punxsutawney Phil did NOT see his shadow this morning. Therefore we are in for an early spring. Now you can add one groundhog to a bunch of scientists, a gathering of activists, and one bitter, also-ran politician, Al (Snore) Gore, to the gang that is extolling the demise of the planet with global warming talk.

One year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occurred on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."

By the way, Air America is now in bankruptcy. I guess liberals missed the day in business school when they covered supply and demand.

I have my own Groundhog Day ritual. I watch the 1993 movie, Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. I only watch it once per year. It never stops being funny.

"Groundhog Day" might be this generation's "It's A Wonderful Life", everyone's feel-good Christmas movie. Ground hog Day is like that, only without the incredible cinematography, underlying morality message, and Academy Award nominations. Which ironically, sums up the differences between our grandparent's and the generations since.