April 30 - Kentucky Derby is coming

Next Saturday is the Kentucky Derby. I won’t be able to blog that day because I will be out of town at an undisclosed location. I thought I would share my memories from attending two Kentucky Derbies.

In 1982, as a sophomore at The Ohio State University, I made the trek with some college roommates. The highlight of the trip was running into Howard Cosell and getting my picture taken. Howard was a large unit (about 280 pounds) and was wearing his trademark canary yellow ABC broadcasting jacket. He really didn’t like being around people / crowds. Or maybe he just didn’t know the real me. We sat /drank/slept in the infield section of Churchill Downs. Now I did not attend Woodstock, but I be a lot of the other infield patrons had.

My second trip was in 1987. I went with friends and co-workers from NCR. In fact, I’m still in regular contact with the two gentlemen in this photo. We spent the night at a friend’s parent’s house in Louisville. We slept outdoors, and in my case handcuffed to a lawn chair. Don’t ask why. We viewed the races form the outfield section of Churchill Downs. This area is much more reserved and sophisticated than the infield. Someday, I’ll make it to the grandstand.

The only thing worse than beating a dead horse is betting on one.

April 29 - Baseball Today

Zack ran his pitching record to 7-1 with his fifth complete game of the season as Fairmont beat Belmont 12-2.

At the same time, his little brother, Jack, 5, began his own baseball journey. It was Jack’s first organized game. The Blue Sharks tied the Green Gators 28-28 (in T-Ball no one is ever out). Jack’s favorite part of the game was the post game snack.

April 28 - Friday Funny

Stiffs And Slices
From thesmokinggun.com
A Domino's deliveryman used a car to transport corpses to funeral parlors when he wasn't using the vehicle to deliver pizzas. Last Friday, a Police Department officer in Pennsylvania pulled over a 1993 Buick after noticing the vehicle did not have an inspection sticker. Additionally, William Bethel, 24, was driving with a suspended license, so cops informed him that the vehicle was going to be impounded. According to a police report, when officers began taking an inventory of the station wagon, they noticed a stretcher in the rear of the vehicle where "pizzas were sitting to be delivered. Asked about the items, Bethel explained that when he finished delivering Domino's pizzas, "he transports deceased bodies in the same vehicle for a funeral home." A police check with local health officials determined that the use of the car for stiffs and slices did not violate county ordinances. Bethel, who was not arrested, is facing $400 in fines for driving with a suspended license and operating a vehicle without an inspection certificate.

This hits close to home for me. In high school I worked three jobs one summer while saving money for college. McDonald’s, Dominos, and the Zanesville Ambulance Service. I delivered pizzas for Dominos and picked up dead bodies ($35 a piece) for the city of Zanesville. I was unable to multi-task with my car because I drove a 1969 Volkswagen bug with a very small backseat.

April 26 - Another Shutout

Zack ran his pitching record to 6-1 posting his third complete game shutout in his last four starts. The Firebirds beat Xenia 14-0. Zack lowered his ERA to 0.50 having allowed only 2 earned runs all year. When interviewed after the game, Zack attributed his successes to his coach from the ages of 5-15.

April 26 - The 5 People I Meet in Hell (#5)

MITCH ALBOM is a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist for the Detroit Free Press and television commentator who regularly appears on ESPN's Sports Reporters. He is also an author of seven books, including Tuesdays With Morrie, the phenomenal New York Times bestseller that first appeared on that list in October 1997 and stayed atop the list for four straight years.

Mitch Albom also wrote a book a few years ago, The Five People I Meet in Heaven. Now, I didn’t read the book, didn’t see the movie. But I get the concept. Every few days I will introduce you to one of THE FIVE PEOPLE I MEET IN HELL.

Now I’m not a misogynist, but I it turns out the first five people I could think of were women. I just think these 5 women will be in Hell long before many men. I’m sure they always find a way to be at the front of any line anyway.

Coming in at #5 – Oprah Winfrey

She’s fat, she’s thin, and she’s transparent when it comes to James Frey. She only loves green. She is the human embodiment of Wal-Mart.

I think a lot of people would beat around the bush with this one, so I am just going to come out and say it: I hate Oprah Winfrey. She tells us what to wear, what to read, who to vote for, and even what to eat. I hate her talk show, and I hate her magazine, and I hate her arsenal of cookbooks, biographies, and self-help guides.

When I googled the phrase, “I Hate Oprah”, I was amazed at the results. You can buy “I Hate Oprah” t-shirts, coffee mugs, hats, tote bags, bumper stickers, at: http://www.cafepress.com/simplehatred/437911

She single handedly almost brought down the cattle beef industry with her rant about Mad Cow disease a few years back. When she served on a jury, Winfrey asked the other jurors to sing whenever she went to the bathroom attached to the jury room to drown out the noise.

The final straw was when she delivered to us, Dr. Phil. He should be sent to eternal limbo in Purgatory.

April 24 - Pet Peeve Monday

Yes, It’s Pet Peeve Monday. This week’s Pet Peeve centers on BAD CAR DRIVERS for two reasons.

• Failure to come to a full and complete stop at a four way stop. It says STOP. STOP is not an acronym for Slightly Tap On Pedal. In my fantasy world, I want to sit at the intersection with a plastic dart gun. The dart is the type that would adhere itself to car metal. Every time someone would not come to a complete and final stop, I would nail the car with the infraction dart. When a cop would drive by a car with several darts they would pull them over and give them a ticket.

• Bad Driving. Usually it’s associated with the driver being distracted by talking on the cell phone. When I beep they don’t hear me. I believe every car’s license plate should be replaced with a plate listing their cell phone number. That way, when I see bad driving, I can just call them up rather than beeping my horn. They already have the phone to their ear.

April 23 - The Clubhouse

Today, I completed the largest project in several years. It started as a simple tree house. The tree house turned into a clubhouse. The clubhouse turned into a vacation home with a mortgage. Well, almost.

After 5 trips to Home Depot, 2 delivery truck rentals, and almost $2K in materials, the job is complete. The tree house now spans two levels, is 16 feet long and 8 feet wide. It has two ladders and a trap door. The before and after pictures do not do justice to the completed project.

Over four days, my brother Jeff and I worked 12 hours a day, measuring, cutting, re-cutting, and nailing more pieces of wood than Robert Wagner (if you’re under 30 and don't understand that joke, Ask Jeeves).

The end result is outstanding. My children and the neighborhood children have flocked to the clubhouse. If it had cable and a bathroom, I might move in.

April 22 - Alley-Gations

I completed my Team Bowling season this week. It was the first time since 1995 that I pulled on the FUBAR bowling shirt. When we last left FUBAR, it was a four-man team in Sacramento. Since then, two members have moved to Ohio and one to New Hampshire. The last member is MIA.

The new team is based in Northern Kentucky. I finished the year with a robust 144 average, down 20 pins from my California days. Jim (middle-155 avg.) and Gary (right -173 avg.) welcomed me with open arms to their established team.

A new term that I learned in Kentucky is “White Meat”. Now I heard this several times when I lived in California, specifically in San Francisco. Its meaning in the Kentucky Bowling vernacular is that you have just rolled two consecutive strikes and are going for a “Turkey”. Hence, the white meat reference. (I’m personally partial to the thigh and leg at Thanksgiving.) It is everyone’s goal for you not to get that third strike, because they have to pay a quarter should you complete the turkey. They clap, yell, and throw things to distract your bowling, hopefully preventing that third strike. Sounds absurd, but it’s quite funny.

I look forward to he next season that starts in the fall. Until then, “White Meat, on Vacation.”

April 21 - Friday Funny

In an interview in the The New York Times Magazine that will appear this coming Sunday, Madeleine Albright reveals, among other things, that even at 68, she works out three times a week "and I can leg-press up to 400 pounds." (NYT April 20, 2006) For those that don’t remember, Ms. Albright, she was Clinton’s Secretary of State.

This is funny on several levels:

#1 - It’s the grotesque picture I get of her in a workout outfit

#2 - It’s the picture I can’t shake of her pushing herself, her legs wobbling as she grunts to get the 400 lb. weight to the fully extended position (still wearing that workout outfit).

But #3 - This is even more a joke when you considered the same paper carried a series about Condolezza Rice the current Secretary of State’s workout regime. Now Condi is only 51 years old but she works out every morning at 5:30 a.m. with a personal trainer.

The Democrats could not fathom losing a single demographic or vote. They wanted to go mano on mano with female Secretaries of State. So they dusted off Ms. Albright to compete against Ms. Rice. Madeline put forth her best athletic talent or feature, thick 68-year-old thighs. They could not compete on which Secretary of State had best represented the US to the world.

I guess Ms. Clinton had no athletic skills other than chasing away Bill’s amours. If Condi had been a sprinter or distance runner than Hilary would have been an appropriate response.

April 19 - Baseball Update

Zack ran his record to 5 wins and 1 loss with a 1-0, complete game shutout of Troy on Wednesday, April 19th. Zack lowered his ERA to 0.28 this season.

April 19 - Bridge Repair

This has been a “Project Week”. Today we finished repairing the main bridge to the back lot. When I say “We”, I mean the Colonel, my brother, Jeff (pictured) and me. The effects of Mother Nature were wearing the main piers away. But some 6 by 6's, a few 2 by 10's and 10 bags of concrete and all is well again.

We now begin the larger project, a Treehouse. More on this project, when it is completed.

April 19 - Pet Peeve Wednesday?

I know, I know, Pet Peeves are for Mondays. But this one happened today and it could not wait.

On a semi regular basis I send a letter to the editor of the local or national paper/magazine. The periodicals always have the statement, “Letters may be edited for space and clarity.” I usually take for granted that they wouldn’t dare change my letter because they were stunned by its content, clarity, and completeness. There was nothing they could change to IMPROVE the letter.

Last October, USA Today published an edited version of one of my submissions and actually changed the submitted intent. Today, the Cincinnati Enquirer did the same thing.

http://news.enquirer.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060419/EDIT0202/604190311/1090/EDIT

I think I will send another letter about the “Opinion Letter Editorial Morons”, but I’m fearful about what they will change and publish.

April 18 - Wake Me Up - Before You Go Go

OK - I’m the first one to admit when I’m wrong. When Wham broke up in 1986, I thought for sure the Andrew Ridgley would be the one that would end up on the E True Hollywood Story. But no, it’s George Michael.

I can now admit, after 18 years that I paid to see George Michael in concert. It was in 1988 at the LA Forum. The audience was made up of thousands of Madonna look a likes, all under 21. The upside is that there was never a line for beers or the men's restroom. Only later did I realize how big of a risk it was to use the facilities when George was in the vicinity.

George was the subject of a high-profile arrest in 1998 when he was detained by an undercover police officer for lewd conduct in a public toilet in Los Angeles.

In February of this year, George was cautioned for possession of cannabis after being found slumped at the wheel (Wake me up before ....) of his parked car near Hyde Park (England not Cincinnati).

The 42-year-old singer now faces questioning by police for the second time in less than two months. The former Wham! star is being investigated by police after he allegedly smashed into three parked cars near his home in Highgate, North London, on Sunday morning.

Andrew Ridgley was always the boring one in Wham, the one no one wanted and the one that disappeared into obscurity. George Michael has told the world he doesn't find him attractive either. Speaking to the press, the gay singer said that sex with his ex-band mate would be 'vile'. He went on to explain, "I've known him since he was eleven and he's one of my best friends but luckily I've never fancied him."

I believe Andrew didn't mind too much - being straight and all. He is probably sitting on his royalty riches, laughing, and enjoying his obscurity.

April 17- Pet Peeve Monday

Why is EVERYTHING political?

The traditional White House Easter egg roll turned political this year. This annual celebration dates back to Ruther B. Hayes in 1878. This year, hundreds of gay parents with their children, all wearing a rainbow colored lei, decided to swarm the event in force. They wanted to make sure they were easily identifiable for all of the news networks to see.

I’m all for other non-traditional parents enjoying the things we “normal” parents experience. The midnight diaper changes, the projectile vomiting, the time-outs, the unfortunate meltdowns in public, etc. But Easter egg rolls are about the Kids, not your sexual orientation or deviation, your inclusion or exclusion from society. IT’S ABOUT THE KIDS.

And while I’m on the Easter subject, how does the resurrection of Jesus Christ get connected to a chocolate Easter Bunny, multi-colored eggs and fake blue grass? Not even Kevin Bacon can make that connection in six degrees.

April 15 - Twenty Years Later

• No baseball games for Jack or me this weekend due to the Easter break. Zack did run his pitching record to 4-1 with a five inning, no earned runs allowed effort, against Lakota-East High School.
  
  I did have my 20th annual Fantasy Baseball draft on Saturday. This is where 11 or 12 middle-aged men get together to bid on real life baseball players. Their on the field performance dictates how your team does in the standings. You act as owner, general manager, and god in some instances.
  
  The amazing part is that we have been doing it for 20 years. There have been some owners come and go, but all in all our league is more stable than most marriages, political parties, or governments.
  
  In April 1986, gas was under a $1 per gallon. Since our league started, Yugoslavia and the USSR have ceased to exist.
  
  Other things that happened in 1986, include:
  
  
• The space shuttle Challenger explodes moments after lift off, killing 6 astronauts and a teacher
• The US officially observes Martin Luther King Day as a national Holdiay for the 1st time
• US warplanes bomb Libyan headquarters in retaliation for terrorist attacks
• The Soviet Union launches the Mir space station
• IBM unveils the PC Convertible, the first laptop computer
• ALF, the Oprah Winfrey Show, and Pee-wee's Playhouse premiere
  
  And the one that really makes me feel old - The Olsen twins, and Lindsay Lohan are born.

April 14 - Friday Funny?

The Associated PressSunday, April 9, 2006; 6:54 PM
ROME -- A century-old tree fell on a group of deaf tourists in central Italy on Sunday, killing a man and injuring seven people who were unable to hear a bus driver's shout of alarm, police said.
Comment: I believe this adds a twist to the age-old question “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there, does it make a noise?”  It doesn’t matter if they are deaf.

April 13 - Planter Preperation

Today’s project was to ready the planters for Heidi’s spices (think - parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme). My helper du jour was Sophia, dressed immaculately for the task in her princess gown.

April 12 - Zoo Trip

I chaperoned Skye on a First Grade field trip to the Cincinnati Zoo today. The zoo was in a somber mode as Colossus, the 40-year-old gorilla and long-time resident of the Zoo passed away unexpectedly the day before.

April 11 - A Pitching Gem

Zack ran his pitching record to 3-1 today, throwing a three-hit, complete game shut-out of Bellbrook High School.  He lowered his ERA to 0.45.  It was his second straight compete game.  

April 10 - Pet Peeve Monday

This week’s Pet Peeve is Grocery Shoppers that:

1. enter the store with no plan or list


2. decide that now is the time to talk to all their friends on the cell phone

First let’s address the non-planners. My doctrine has always been, “Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.” When I see people going back and forth between aisles or going against traffic, they just screw it up for every one else. Everyone in the store knows you go from left to right, as you would if you were reading a book. That’s why the frozen foods are at the far right of the store. I’m sure Chinese groceries are just the reverse as they read from right to left. You don’t put the Salisbury Steak dinners (hungry man size) in your cart first and allow it to melt while you spend 10 minutes in the cereal aisle reviewing your 142 choices. I’ve even created a tri-fold shopping list laid out by grocery section. It has reduced my grocery time in half.

Now, the real culprits that are the star of this week’s Pet Peeve, The “I’m in the grocery and I haven’t talked to my college roommate in twenty years, so I think I’ll call her now and tell her about my three kids, my wonderful husband, the soccer team, what happened on Desperate Housewives last night, do these pants make my ass look fat…” woman. You people on your cell phone do NOT need to use them at the Grocery. You also do not need to TALK SO LOUD so that everyone hears about your rash. They should put a “Cone of Silence” from the old Get Smart TV show at the end of each aisle so you can pull over and get the hell out of my way so I can shop in peace.

The grocery store should be treated in the same reverence that libraries and public bathrooms once held. Be quiet, do your business, and move on. The only positive change within the grocery store is now your can get an entire meal of samplers as you make your way through the store. I’ve noticed that that level of hospitality has not made it to the liquor lane as yet.

April 9 - This Week In Baseball

This Week In Baseball (TWIB)

One of my fondest memories of my youth was watching Mel Allen do This Week In Baseball. It preceded the Game of the Week on NBC. Many people don’t remember there used to be only one televised game per week. Curt Gowdy, Joe Garagiola, and Tony Kubek were the announcers. It was sweet. My lifelong love of baseball was born.

Now it could have been because our TV only received one channel and there was nothing else to watch. But how do you explain my ambivalence toward country music when that same TV picked up Hee Haw as well. I still remember that mind numbing song “Where, where were you tonight….” But I digress.

So here it is, My Week in Baseball.


Monday, April 3 – Opening Day Cincinnati Reds vs. Chicago Cubs

I attended the game courtesy of my old friend Chuck. Chuck was one of the original members of the annual Myrtle Beach Golf Tour. Chuck introduced several of us to the Beer Golf game. It’s where you get to take one stroke off of your score on a hole for every beer you drink on that hole. It works well on the front nine. However there is the law of diminishing returns on the back nine.

The Reds lost 16-7; it was quite cold and windy. But it was the beginning of a new season.

Wednesday, April 5 – Kettering Fairmont at Northmont High School

A day turned from bad to worse or worser. (I know that isn’t a word.) Northmont is 105 miles form my house. It was below 50 degrees and Zack’s team only managed one hit against Northmont. Zack was the starting pitcher and took the loss.

Thursday, April 6 – Cincinnati Reds vs. Pittsburgh Pirates

Inclement weather could not keep Zack and me from attending the third game of the season. Less than 5,000 fans showed up top watch a 6-5 Reds’ victory.

Friday, April 7 – Kettering Fairmont at Centerville High School

With Fairmont up 8-0 in the second inning the game was called because a Centerville parent saw lightning. I thought it was the sun’s reflection shining off of another parent’s bald dome. It did storm about an hour later.

Saturday, April 7 – Triple Header


The day started at 9:00 with the annual Opening Day parade for Anderson Little League. The normal 2.5-hour affair was cut short to an hour because of cold, windy weather. The Blue Sharks, Jack’s T-Ball team, had their first game of the season cancelled.

Zack’s Fairmont team had better luck. They pushed back the starting times of their games. Fairmont swept Milton Union, 6-2 and 21-1. Zack pitched a complete game in the nightcap, striking out 10 and allowing only 2 hits and one run.

Sunday, April 9 – Anderson Dodgers vs. Anderson Tigers

Jay’s senior baseball (men over 40) team ran its record to 1-1- with a 10-3 victory over the Tigers. Jay came out the bullpen due to a pitching shortage to throw one inning of relief.


If you are keeping score at home (and I know you are): I saw 7 games in 7 days.

April 7 - Friday Funny - George Carlin

And now for your FRIDAY FUNNY. Two Friday’s ago, Heidi and I went to see George Carlin in Cincinnati. I’ve listened to him for years and always wanted to see him in person. Unfortunately, just before Christmas, George spent eight days in the hospital with heart issues. He has resumed touring, but I don't think he has fully recovered. He was still under the weather and did not deliver his “A Game” that night.

However out of respect to the legend, here is one of George’s classics (unedited and uncensored):

“In the the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told.
Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you.
He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!” -- George Carlin Politically Incorrect, May 29, 1997

April 5 - Katie DON'T Bar the Door

Katie Couric is leaving the Today Show. Thank goodness. Her non-stop self-promotion and immersion of herself into the news will not be missed. How many times has she tried to sing, dance, play volleyball, etc. with Today Show guests?

It’s very appropriate that she follow the liberal poster child, Dan Rather, at CBS. She was able to flaunt her politics unchecked for many years at NBC. At least now she will be in a small half-hour box, READING the news and not trying to make it. Additionally it will be to a much smaller audience.

I loved Andy Rooney’s quote. "I’m not enthusiastic about it. I think everybody likes Katie Couric, I mean how can you not like Katie Couric. But, I don’t know anybody at CBS News who is pleased that she’s coming here." As a lifelong NBC watcher, I am pleased.

April 4 - Baseball the One Constant

This past week I witnessed or was part of four Baseball Opening Days. The beginning of new adventures, great experiences, and lasting memories.

• Monday, March 27 – Son, Zachary (17), pitches opening day for Fairmont JV team against Kettering Alter. Fairmont is victorious 12-2 as Zack is the winning pitcher.

• Saturday, April 1 – Son, Jackson (5), makes his baseball debut for the Blue Whales. Jack decides to run to third after his first hit. His Coach proclaims, “ Whose kid is this?” I’m the Coach.

• Sunday, April 2 – I begin my eighth season playing and second season coaching a 38 and over adult baseball team. The Anderson Dodgers make their 2006 debut, losing in extra innings 9-8 to the dreaded White-Sox. Lewis Senior goes 2-3 with a double and a walk, scoring three times. Ibuprofen is not a banned substance.

• Monday, April 3 – Cincinnati Reds open the season against the Chicago Cubs. It’s colder and windier than any Bengel game I can remember. The Reds stumble to a 16-7 loss.

From the great movie, “Field of Dreams”, Terrance Mann (James Earl Jones) states: “Ray, people will come Ray. They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up your driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won't mind if you look around, you'll say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they'll walk out to the bleachers; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved seats somewhere along one of the baselines, where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they'll watch the game and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.”

April 3 - Pet Peeve Monday

Every Monday will be PET PEEVE MONDAY. Nobody likes Mondays anyway. Now I'm going to share with you something that bothers me, and I'm sure it bothers you too.

This week it is DAY LIGHT SAVINGS TIME (DST). Last weekend , we "Sprung Forward". We lost an hour. I don't like the concept.

My house has 65 CLOCKS:
11 Wall Clocks
6 Radio Clocks
17 TVs with Clocks
9 VCR / DVD players with Clocks
1 Microwave with a Clock
1 Convection Oven with a Clock
1 Regular Oven with a Clock
5 Computers with Clocks
5 Phones with Clocks
1 Answering Machine with a Clock
3 Wristwatches
2 Cars with Clocks
1 Pager with a Clock
1 Coffee Maker with a Clock

All but a few require manual intervention. Even those that automatically update won't work when we "Fall Back" later this year because Congres moved DST to November from October with the Energy Policy Act of 2005. You can learn alot from CSPAN.

Thank goodness the Biological Clock on my wife has been disconnected. I would not know how to adjust that one by an hour.

Now I feel I lost more than hour just adjusting my clocks. This also bothers me because we lose the hour in the middle of the night when we are sleeping. Why not take that hour at 11 a.m. when all we would miss would be Star Jones on "The View". In fact, everytime I watch her I feel that that's another hour I'll never get back.

A study of traffic accidents throughout Canada in 1991 and 1992 by Stanley Coren of the University of British Columbia before, during, and immediately after the so-called "spring forward" when DST begins in April. Alarmingly, he found an eight percent jump in traffic accidents on the Monday after clocks are moved ahead. He attributes the jump to the lost hour of sleep.

Stop DAY LIGHT SAVINGS TIME. Give me my hour back.