May 30, 2008 - Friday Funny- Democrat Primary Season

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY almost made it as a PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM).

It concerns the Democrats’ long national nightmare known as the PRIMARY PROCESS. It if wasn’t so funny, it would be tragic.

The Democrat’s candidate election process is reminiscent of a Barney Fife sting operation. It could be a great episode of Candid Camera. Someone call Ripley, because I don’t believe it. John McEnroe can be heard screaming “You can NOT be Serious!!! ?” Do you need more examples or was that enough?

First there was the de-certification of Michigan and Florida primaries because they moved their primaries ahead of New Hampshire.

Then it was the debacle concerning the elevation of ordinary people to Super Hero status by labeling them as SUPER DELEGATES.

Now comes the Puerto Rico primary. Puerto Rico is NOT a state. Puerto Ricans are NOT eligible to vote in the general election. Yet there are 55 delegates at stake in Saturday’s Puerto Rico Primary. Last week, Oregon had 52 delegates and Kentucky had 51 delegates in their primaries. Somehow, representative of people that can’t vote have more impact than actual voters in 2 states.

I would expect this if we lived in Zimbabwe or Venezuela, but here?

The good news for those of you in Puerto Rico is that Ricky Martin has come out of closet and professed his support for Hillary Clinton. He is really “Living the Vita Loca.”

My grandfather always said, “You don’t prune a dead tree.” Coming out in support of Hillary at this time, is not the best career decision. Oops, my bad. Ricky Martin and career decision should not be used in the same sentence.

At any rate, I hope the no one tells the Democrats to make a choice and move on. John McCain may not be my first choice. But he is the lesser of three evils. Ironically, my Grandpa didn’t have a saying about that.

May 26, 2008 - Memorial Day - NO PPM

Veteran Jabberwockers know that I never have a PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) on National Holidays. My decision was actually based on what happened on Memorial Day 2006.

It just doesn’t seem right. We have so many things to be thankful in this great country.

This year I marched in a Memorial Day parade for the first time. At the end, the guest speaker used a familiar line that never ceases to be true.

“Freedom is not FREE.” Think about it. Remember it. And remember those people that gave the supreme sacrifice to make it SO true.

May 23, 2008 - Friday Funny - Another Hillary Moment

Every time Hillary tries to humanize herself, she puts her foot in her mouth. Today she brought up the Robert Kennedy Assassination.

Timing is everything. RFK's brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor this week. Barack Obama has to have extra security because of the racial undertones that are prevalent within parts of this country.

At any rate, here is a Hillary joke that was forwarded to me:

Hillary Clinton goes to an elementary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

'Kenneth,' the boy replies.

'And what is your question, Kenneth?'

'I have three questions:

'First - whatever happened to the health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

'Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

'Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?'

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, 'Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?'

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

'Larry.'

'And what is your question, Larry?'

'I have five questions:

'First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

'Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

'Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

'Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

'Fifth - "Where's Kenneth?"

May 19, 2008 - PPM - Cell Phone Mis-Use

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) concerns CELL PHONE ETIQUETTE.

I have previously blogged about the misuse of cell phone in restaurants and in grocery stores.

It has now morphed and raised its ugly small antenna-ed head into exercise clubs. I work out 3 days a week at the local club. I bring my head phones and either listen to my IPOD or watch Fox News or CNBC. OK, I sometimes watch Ellen, as I work out.

Unfortunately there has been a trend among the members to bring their cell phones to the club. They think that the 15 minutes that the use the elliptical or treadmill is a fine time to connect with all of those in their “Fave Five”.

They obviously miss the point that if they were TRULY working out, their oxygen intake and heart pulse would prevent them from holding a meaningful conversation. BTW, the conversations are meaningless. I can’t help but hear their conversation, as they have to shout over the sounds of the exercise machines.

It only adds to my PEEVE as these violators of cell phone etiquette talk TOO LOUD.

Why do I need to know what their child expended from an orifice that morning? Why is it important to know that their neighbor is just like Edie and they are sort-of-like Bree on Desperate Housewives. My tort response is that if you are like Bree, it must be the BEFORE picture and that you really need to FOCUS on that exercise machine and GET OFF THE PHONE.

They have even come up with a new CELL PHONE HOLDER (at right).

People, stop talking on your cell phones.

I do not like them on the PLANE.
I do not like them on the TRAIN.

I do not like them at the EXERCISE CLUB.
I do not like them at the LOCAL PUB.

Not in your CAR, not in a BAR.
Not in a STORE, you are a BORE.

I do not like public cell phone use.

I do not like them.

Jay I am.

May 16, 2008 - Friday Funny - Sarcasm Pill

A Doctor friend recommended this for me. Like I need this.

May 12, 2008 - PPM- Red Light Camera Critics

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY concerns RED LIGHT CAMERA CRITICS.

Red Light Cameras are digital or video cameras that are installed at intersections. They are activated when someone runs a red light.

According to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, 22 percent of all traffic accidents in the United States are caused by drivers running red lights. Every year, these accidents kill hundreds of people and create an estimated $7 billion dollars in property damage, medical bills, lost productivity and insurance hikes.

Red-light cameras have been around for more than 40 years, but they've only gained widespread popularity in the past decade. Police forces all over the world claim that these systems are a great addition to their communities. They serve as a deterrent against traffic violations, and they help police keep track of the worst offenders. Additionally, they are a good source of government revenue. It doesn't cost much to maintain the system once it's installed, and it works 24 hours a day, seven days a week, systematically catching violators and sending out revenue-generating traffic tickets that are really hard to contest.

Columbus Ohio Deputy Safety Director George Speaks said the study shows the cameras have reduced the number of drivers running red lights by nearly 63 percent, and the numbers of accidents at those intersections by 47 percent.

Critics have called the cameras a money-making device more than a safety tool. Other argue that it infringes on their civil liberties. I think thou protest too much. You are breaking the law, no liberty for you, and you should pay.

I would advocate we should install cameras and spike sticks at stop signs to flatten the tires of motorists that fail to come to a complete STOP at STOP signs. Forget the fines, how about the bill for 4 news tires as a deterrent.

People NOT stopping at Stop Signs was actually my fourth overall PET PEEVE from April 24, 2006.

Why do we have CAMERAS at CONVENIENCE STORES, at ATMs and at BANKS? Probably because people were breaking the law and robbing people at these places.

Why do we have CAMERAS at TOLL PLAZAS? Probably because people were passing the through the tolls without paying.

So answer me this Einstein, why do we need CAMERAS at INTERSECTIONS? It is because PEOPLE DON’T STOP AT RED LIGHTS.

If you could take a pill to reduce your risk of cancer by 47 percent, would you take the pill?

We can reduce the number of traffic violations by 47 percent and prevent accidents and deaths by installing a camera. Let’s do it and let’s do it NOW.

Stop PEEVING me about your civil liberties, YOU ARE BREAKING THE LAW.

May 9, 2008 - Friday Funny - michigan Celebrities

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is mICHIGAN CELEBRITIES.

The State of michigan runs a series of commercials aimed at promoting tourism, increasing business development, and improving general apathy within the state.

The commercials star Jeff Daniels, a michigander. Daniels is best known as the star of the movie, Dumb and Dumber. Being from michigan, he was type cast as “Dumber”.

Below is what some other top celebrities would look like IF they were also from michigan.

If you are from michigan and do not get the joke, read slower.

May 7, 2008 - WATN - Home School Critics

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY (WATN) concerns Home Schooling Critics.

Yesterday, I took my first grader out of regular school for a Home Schooling Field Trip.

We decide to forgo the museums, zoos, and art exhibits. We decided to take in a baseball game.

My son learned that BIGOTRY, in any form, is bad. He knows how to get along with others regardless of race, ethnicity, age, gender, or baseball affiliation.

He learned about HEARING SAFETY. Every time the Cincinnati Reds hit a Home Run they let off fire works in the stadium. The Reds hit SEVEN HOME RUNS.

He learned about ECONOMICS as I explained that picking Joey Votto in a fantasy league was a GREAT move as the rookie hit three homers.

So for all of you HOME SCHOOL CRITICS, WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

Teach your child something outside of the normal school curriculum today.

If my son was older, I could have explained to him the tragedy of not being able to take advantage of being in an all-inclusive dining and drinking area. I’m saving the designated driver class until he is at least 12.

May 5, 2008 - PPM - Animal Rights Double Standard

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is about the timely death of Kentucky Derby horse, Eight Bells.

I had previously blogged about Barbaro. The similarities do not rest with the death of a race horse. It is about the reaction.

It is a about how people describe the horse as courageous and motivated and that she was happy. The best quote came from her trainer. He said “She was happy to put her life on the line.”

REALLY!!! I thought Dr. Dolittle and the Horse Whisperer were works of fiction. Unfortunately, Eight Bells was not available for comment.

My PET PEEVE is the DOUBLE STANDARD THAT PEOPLE EXHIBIT when it comes to horse racing and dog fighting. They are both animal rights violations.

PETA was naturally outraged. My question is why aren’t more people? In this case, a competitor (horse) died at the end of a competition. Oh by the way, cock fighting and dog fighting have the same outcome.

I’m no PETA fan. I eat meat at every meal and snack on beef jerky and Slim Jims in between. But I think PETA got it right this time.

The untold story is how, on average, there are 1.6 race horse deaths per 1000 starts. I don’t think anyone would fly given those averages. There are 50,000 global commercial flights per day. If 80 of those planes went down, there might be some outrage.

Last Sunday, 16,406 runners competed in the Flying Pig Marathon. Applying the same law of averages would result in 10 race deaths. Given those odds, I wouldn't run a marathon unless flying pigs come out of my …. Well, you get the picture.

Again everything has to be politicized. Before the race, Hillary Clinton played the gender card and told many probable voters, that they should “bet on the woman – filly in the Kentucky Derby”. She drew parallels as a woman running for President. Some would argue that they put down the wrong Nag. Just kidding.

The only upside from the early expiration of Eight Bells, is that Hillary Clinton was not be able to capitalize on the exploits of an animal.

Is it because we get all dressed up in fancy clothes and hats and sip Mint Juleps that we rationalize the exploitation and death of race horses are OK? Do we just need to have a dress code and top shelf liquor at the Dog Fights to legitimize them?

In some cultures cock fighting and dog fighting are their national pastime, just as baseball or horse racing are apart of ours. They must be sneering at Americans because of our incredible double standard. I do, and so should you.

May 2, 2008 - Friday Funny - Golf Book

Having just returned from a Golf Vacation (?), these might be some of the chapters from my first Golf Book:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earning

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 10 - Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight
Chapter 11 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome
Chapter 12 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five Off the Tee

Chapter 13 - When to Re-Grip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 14 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique
Chapter 15 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 for a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, but Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender.

April 28, 2008 - PPM - Religious Non-Leaders

I’m back from a week of sun and golf on the South Carolina shores. As they said about Richard Nixon in 1968, “I’m tanned, rested, and ready to run.”

I was able to accumulate many Pet Peeves on the long drive to Myrtle Beach. Here is the most topical.

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is about Insertion of Religious Leaders into the Political Process.

This past week, Barack Obama’s “Spiritual Advisor”, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, single-handily derailed Obama’s White House quest. Wright did what the Clinton machine could not accomplish. Wright got Obama off-message. No more Hope and Change. It’s Denounce and Reject. Not exactly the uplifting message that sells.

The Reverend Al Sharpton tried to insert himself into the news by saying he could “close down New York City” in reaction to a judge’s ruling on the death of an African-American that was shot by NYC cops. As Sharpton again played the race card from the bottom of the deck, he neglected to mention that 2 of the 3 cops in the questionable shooting were black. No need to let facts get in the way of your race rhetoric.

Republican candidate Mitt Romney had to speak to the masses that thought Mormonism was a cult. Why does it matter?

What were the religious beliefs on George Washington and Abraham Lincoln? Did you know that Thomas Jefferson proclaimed his own religious commitment by stating he belonged to a sect with just one member? Jefferson considered much of the new testament of the Bible to be lies.

I doubt that Jefferson could be elected today given those thoughts.

Ever since Pat Robertson and the Reverend Jesse Jackson tried to trade their stunted religious careers for improbable political aspirations, religion and politics have been the new Odd Couple.

Billy Graham must be rolling over in his hospital bed. He was the “Spiritual Advisor" for several Presidents. He never felt the need to step in front of the camera.

It really PEEVES me that our constitution talks about the SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, but the news media can’t make the same distinction.

Personally, I found a way to eliminate any embarrassing revelation about my past religious involvements should I run for office.

This past October, I became an ordained clergy member. I did an Internet search. I matched up my general feelings, my deep held beliefs, and a PayPal limit of $20. I am now a licensed clergyman for the Church of Spiritual Humanism.

As an ordained clergy member I can legally perform religious ceremonies and rituals like weddings, funerals, benedictions, etc.

As Spiritual Humanists we believe that every person has innate right to make a spiritual connection to the rest of the cosmos. Our premise is simple:

All humans have an inalienable right and duty to practice their own religious traditions. Spiritual Humanism allows everyone to fuse their individual religious practices onto the foundation of scientific humanist inquiry.

We accept people from any religious background and recognize the validity of all peaceful religious practices and behaviors as being helpful and necessary in developing the spiritual nature of humanity.

No eternal damnation, no 72 virgins.

In the future, I would respectfully like to be referred to as The Reverend J. Jay Lewis.

As George Carlin once said, “I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.”