Dec. 30, 2009 - Derby Dead Pool Reminder

This is a friendly reminder that you only have one day to complete your 2010 Derby Dead Pool entry.

The Derby Dead Pool is where you list 20 people that you think will die during the calendar year. The winner last year correctly predicted 12 of his 20 celebrity deaths. You get points based on how they die and how old they were at the time of their death

You get disqualified if you have anything to do with their death.

This year I scored points with: Ted Kennedy, Oral Roberts, Patrick Swayze, Farrah Fawcett and my real sleeper, Michael Jackson.

For the record, I’m not sadistic. I wish no ill will on most of my entries. However I’m putting Bernie Madoff on my 2010 list.

I’ve always been a fan of actuarial tables and the abnormal distribution of celebrity deaths indicated that most fall outside of 2 standard deviations from the mean (using a Z distribution of course.)

Dec. 28, 2009 - PPM - TV Screen Graphics

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) concerns TV Stations and how they overlay graphics on the screen when you are trying to watch a show.

Last night, I was trying to watch the Sound of Music with the family. It’s my all time favorite movie. I loved it as a kid and I wanted to share it with my youngest daughter, now 7.

Santa brought me a nice new 63-inch flat panel TV and I wanted to watch the HD broadcast of the Sound of Music. It’s cold outside and there is a hint of flurries. I have a fire going in the fireplace. The popcorn is popped and we are good to go.

I flip on WCPO, the ABC affiliate in Cincinnati and this is what I saw:

Clockwise from top to bottom we have:

- A “Winter Weather Warning” map for counties that I cannot name and for where I do not live. It is inconveniently covering Julie Andrews’ face.

- A streaming weather banner telling me to check in for the latest at 11 p.m. At 11, I will be in bed and will not care about road conditions (in places I do not live and will not be traveling to).

- A transparent ABC decal. Although I can still see it.

- An opaque WCPO decal, so I know where to send my complaints about the 4 intrusions on my screen.

My 63-inch TV screen now looks like a puzzle from the old Concentration TV Game show (at right). Google it if you are under 40.

Conveniently, all of these intrusions disappear when a commercial plays.

I heard that Congress took up HR 6209: Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act. It takes on the issue of TV commercial’s sound volume.

Hey, any time not spent on destroying our health care system is a positive. Maybe Congress could also look at these screen overlays. They are unnecessary, unwarranted, infringements to my right to enjoy TV.

After all, after raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, watching unfettered TV, is one of my favorite things.

Dec. 22, 2009 - Loser of the Week - Sen. Brown

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK is Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown (D).

Brown should be recalled, impeached, or better yet, be made to live under the new Health Care Reform policies he voted for this week. US Senators are exempt from this health care reform.

Why such anger towards our “representative?”

Brown was idle while Senators from Nebraska and Louisiana fleeced the US taxpayers for hundreds of millions of special deals in order to secure their yea vote.

Senator Lemmings, er Brown, why didn’t you hold out as well? Ohio could have used some relief.

Senator Reid calls this process compromise. I call it corruption.

Dec. 21, 2009 - PPM - What Can Brown Do for You?

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) always bugs me during the Holiday season. My PEEVE is that PACKAGE DELIVERY COMPANIES THINK THEY OWN THE ROAD.

I can’t find anywhere on the web where it says UPS, Fed-Ex, or DHL can stop traffic to deliver their goods.

They pull up to a house, but not into the driveway. They stop in the middle of the road. The driver hops out and takes their package to the door. Some times they ring the doorbell and wait for a response. Sometimes they ring the bell and run like an adolescent that has just left a fiery poop package on the doorsteps. (Just a theory, never really saw thathappen firsthand.)

Either way, they have stopped traffic for their own commercial means. Whenever I drop my kids off for a play date, I pull all the way into the driveway. Maybe I should just stop in the middle of the road, put on my flashers, take my kid to the porch, ring the doorbell and run. I know sometimes that would be better than having to make idle chit chat about how little Johnny is doing.

The second byproduct of the rudeness of the Ground Delivery Companies is that by stopping in the street they are creating possible traffic accidents. Because of the size of their trucks, you can’t see around them as you attempt to pass the illegally double-parked vehicle.

The next time I hear the commercial, “What can Brown Do For You?”

I’ve got an answer. What can Brown do for me? “How about getting the hell out of my way and stop breaking the law!!!”

Dec. 18, 2009 - FRIDAY FUNNY - Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from a former co-worker in Columbus OH.


Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry, Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed, Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori, With Joselyn, and Kalika, the world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues, Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex, When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin', Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade, "If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

She’s not pouting, in fact, she's of jolly good cheer, Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

Dec. 18, 2009 - Chris Henry's Death

The city of Cincinnati tonight has flags at half-mast and is engulfed in discussions about the death of Chris Henry. I even saw this car in the parking lot of a local restaurant.

If you followed his life and his choices, it was not unexpected. He had been arrested 5 times in a two-year span from everything from gun violations to sex with underage girls.

Some have labeled it a tragedy. It’s not. He died the way he lived, breaking the law. He was in the middle of a “domestic violence” event when he was thrown from the back of a pick-up truck. He was hammering the window of the pick-up cab. He was going “O.J.” on his fiancee, who was fleeing Mr. Henry.

Had he not died, I’m sure we would be viewing another police mug shot of Henry as he was being jailed for domestic violence.

I get most of my philosophic sayings from cartoons and action movies. (e.g. Popeye’s “I am what I am.”)

I’m reminded of that great Spiderman quote. “With great power, comes great responsibility. This is my gift, my curse. Who am I? I’m Spiderman.”

Chris Henry had a great athletic powers, however leaping from moving vehicles (like Spiderman) was not one of them.

Yes, it is sad, he died at 26. He left 3 or 4 or 5 children without a male parent. We shouldn’t mourn for Chris Henry, we should mourn for his lost potential.

Dec. 16, 2009 - WATN - Brian Brosall

My final WHERE ARE THEY NOW, WEDNESDAY (WATN) of 2009 is Brian Bonsall. Who is that, you say?

One of my favorite TV shows of all time was the 1980s NBC sitcom, Family Ties, starring Michael J. Fox.

Alex P. Keaton had a younger brother, Andy, played by Brian Bonsall.

Bonsall, now 28, has been charged in Colorado with second-degree assault after police say he repeatedly hit a friend in the head with a broken wooden stool. He could face between two to six years in prison if convicted of the charge that prosecutors filed last week.

Brian - Then and Now

Police say Bonsall was also wanted on a warrant for missing a court hearing in 2007. In that case, he had been sentenced to two years of probation for assaulting his girlfriend. Bonsall poured an alcoholic beverage on her while she was sleeping and when she tried to leave the apartment, attempted to choke her and throw her on the bed repeatedly.

He is no stranger to the Boulder police department. He was arrested in 2004 for drunk driving.

I think Bosnall is just acting out because he just learned that his TV Mom, Meredith Baxter has come out as a lesbian.

I know somewhere Alex P. Keaton is doing one of those “But Mom!!!” expressions.

Dec. 11 - Friday Funny - Gone Boating

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from a Jabberwocker in Zanesville.

This was this guy's first boat and he was taking it to the lake, but he wasn't quite sure of the correct procedure for launching a boat off a ramp.

However, he figured it couldn't be that difficult to do, so he stopped by his Union office for advice, and they just told him...

“Don't let the trailer get too deep in the water when you're launching your boat".

Well later on, he couldn't understand what they meant by that, as he just could barely get his trailer in the water!

Here's a picture worth a thousand words!

You're got to love this guy!!!

Some people shouldn't be allowed to get married, to have children, or to vote!

Dec. 7, 2009 - PPM - Global Warming

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is the current worldwide conference on Global Warming that is being held in Copenhagen.

It has been reported that the 20K delegates are coming in on 140 private jets and have 1400 limos. The carbon footprint of the conference alone will exceed the annual output of 50% of the countries.

Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio (shouldn’t he be taking a boat) are 2 members of the US delegation arriving via private jets.

All this comes amid the controversy concerning “Climate-Gate”, where documents and statistics have been doctored to support the global warming thesis.

All this propaganda has made it’s way into the schools. My fifth grade daughter informed me that we needed to reduce our carbon footprint.

While she was away learning about the evils of man, I painted her bedroom an “environmental–friendly” lime green and highlighted the room with a bright pink peace sign.

When she asked why, I told her that she was now an official member of GREENPEACE.



Who wants some more “Home Schooling”? I have a great lecture prepared on the dangers of STDs based upon my last trip to Bangkok.

Dec. 4, 2009 - Friday Funny - Tiger's Xmas Card

This week's Friday Funny comes from a close friend in Kentucky.

Here is the Tiger Wood's Christmas Card picture:

Nov. 30, 2009 - PPM - Tiger Woods Coverage

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is the non-stop Tiger Woods coverage. Is it really more important than Afghanistan, the economy, or the firing of Charlie Weis? ;-)

So, Tiger was headed out at 2:30 a.m. Thanksgiving Night. Wasn’t everyone headed to Target for those early Black Friday specials?

I’m sure it will come out that his wife attacked him because of some indiscretion. He’s a professional male athlete. He can’t change his spots, or in this case his stripes.

Let’s try and focus on what is TRULY important things and give Tiger and the Mrs. a chance to work things out. The only winner in this is going to be the guy that drafted his prenuptial agreement or the salesman at Tiffany's. (see Kobe Bryant)

At any rate – here are the top 10 Tiger Woods jokes:

1. Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

2. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards

3. Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.

4. What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing

5. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron

6. Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

7. This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

8. Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

9. Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though

10. Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Post your own joke if you have one.