March 27, 2009 - Friday Funny - 710 Knob

This week's Friday Funny comes from Mike:

A young blond came in to a local garage and asked for a seven hundred-ten knob.

The service personnel all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said she did not know exactly what it was, but the piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." The mechanic, still holding the sketch, turned the drawing upside down.

At last, he knew exactly what the young girl was looking for...

March 25, 2009 - WATN - Greg Brady

A previous subject of a Where Are They Now (WATN) Wednesday was Mike Lookinland, aka, Bobby Brady.

Bobby was located with a blood alcohol of .26 next to an overturned car in Utah. Now that Bobby has been found, I’ve issued an APB on Greg Brady, Barry Williams.

I had previously compared high school pictures of my wife to a bad girl version of Marsha Brady.

Shock and Awe were my emotions when I received the below I-phone photo of one, Greg Brady, and my current wife. She was on a “business trip” to Las Vegas.

It seems Greg, er, Barry is now working the LV strip in a dinner theatre show about someone’s wedding.

I’m hoping Barry and his alter ego Johnny Bravo get a brief starring role in a upcoming CSI episode.

Just kidding.

I'm sure Danny Partridge will settle an old debt at some point.

March 23, 2009 - PPM - Celebrity(?) Reality Shows

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is who is considered a “CELEBRITY” by today’s Reality Shows.

I had previously blogged about Reality TV Shows’ inane existence three years ago.

Now, I read the cast of the latest installments of the Celebrity Apprentice and Dancing with the Stars. I am flummoxed about who is a Celebrity or what defines a Star?

Here is the list:

Celebrity Apprentice

Brian McKnight
Dennis Rodman
Herschel Walker
Clint Black
Tom Green
Jesse G. James
Tionne Watkins
Khole Kardashian
Joan Rivers
Melissa Rivers
Claudia Jordan
Annie Duke
Brande Roderick
Natalie Gulbis
Scott Hamilton
Andrew Dice Clay

2009 Dancing with the Stars

Belinda Carlisle
David Allen Grier
Shawn Johnson
Lil’Kim
Holly Madison
Gilles Marini
Ty Murray
Steve O
Denise Richards
Melissa Rycroft
Lawrence Taylor
Chuck Wicks
Steve Wozniak

- Half of these people don’t generate a Wikipedia entry.

- Some of them (Kardashian) are more than six degrees removed from Kevin Bacon.

- These same folks could also appear on The Biggest Loser.

(my cut downs usually come in sets of threes)

I don’t watch any reality shows, but I would tune in if they would put this cast of characters along with the show’s producers into the Celebrity Stars’ Cage of Death. Only one contestant would survive, literally. My money’s on Steve O, unless there is an Ice Dancing elimination round, where Scott Hamilton could really shine.

Just a thought.

PPM- March 17, 2009 - St. Patrick's Day

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) was delayed a day to Tuesday in order to include the “celebration” of St. Patrick’s Day.

My PET PEEVE is that on March 17th EVERYONE pretends they are Irish. They drink and they drink and they drink. Where are the Political Correct Police to profess their anger about this obvious offensive, derogatory, slander to the Irish?

Am I (and a lot of feminists) the only one offended by this T-shirt? ;-)

Don’t say O’Jay to me.

I used to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day till I found out it was against the school dress code to color your kids' hair green.

You wouldn’t have to look hard for the Reverend Al Sharpton if we starting performing or celebrating African American stereotypes on Martin Luther King Day. Remember the outrage when Arizona DIDN'T celebrate MLK Day?

Why is one ethnic stereotype funny yet other cultural references will get you convicted of a hate crime?

When I lived in Southern California, everyone celebrated Cinco de Mayo regardless of their heritage. I always begged off, because I was not of Mexican decent. With the influx of illegal aliens and the accelerated growth of the Hispanic community as a whole, the once white majority is now the minority.

I consider myself more French than anything else. Why? Because I had three years of High School French. Every July 14th. I celebrate Bastille Day. I don’t shower. I eat a lot cheese, drink expensive wine, and generally am dismissive of everyone.

Others may argue that I do these activities more often than once a year.

But back to my PEEVE. Why is OK to denigrate one heritage if another ethnicity is off limits?

Je suis confus.

March 13, 2009 - Friday Funny - Dog for Sale

Dog For Sale

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as 'Holy SH#& (crap)!!!'

March 12, 2009 - Not a Rocket Scientist - YET

There was a front-page story in today’s CINCINNATI ENQUIRER about a six-year-old Einstein.

I’m happy to see some positive news on page 1. The youth has been tested to an IQ of 176. The paper mentions a chief accomplishment of this young lad is that he was able to recite the Presidents in order at age six.

I have personal knowledge and video evidence of another Cincinnati child accomplishing this same task at age 5.

Any one can memorize the order of the Presidents. But try to name Presidents in random order while dressed as a Super Hero.

This is an entertaining video of a five year old, dressed as Spiderman, being grilled in rapid fire about the Presidents.

Enjoy.

March 10 - Loser of the Week - McNuggets McGone

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK is Latressa Goodman (her name did not pass spell check).

Latressa, 27, a Florida resident, gained international notoriety last week when she called 9-1-1, three times, after the local McDonalds ran out of Chicken McNuggets.

One could look at Latressa and determine that a void in McNugget production could be divine intervention. The lack of McNuggets meant that she should NOT eat McNuggets. It wasn’t an emergency.

The “L” on Latressa’s forehead is not for “Latressa”.

When I heard this story, I had to Grimace.

Ironically, I was faced with my own disgruntled McDonald’s customer. In 1979, while running the grill operations for the local McDonald’s in Zanesville, Ohio, a customer asked for “extra pickles” on his cheeseburger. Always one to take customer satisfaction personally, I added 44 pickles on top of the meat and under the cheese. (I didn’t want any of the pickles to fall off.)

Apparently stunned by his taste buds, the customer went into “Pickle Rage” and hopped over the counter and threw the special cheeseburger at my grill team. It didn’t take a call to 9-1-1 to subdue his rage, just a well-thrown frozen quarter pounder patty, or two.

The moral of the story is that dissatisfied McDonald’s customers should not take matters into their own hands, nor should they call 9-1-1. They should just take a deep breath, pick up the shattered pieces of their lives, and go on down the road to Wendy’s.

Here is a picture of that model McDonald’s employee from 1979.

March 9, 2009 - PPM - Ra-PUN-zel's Revenge

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) has bothered me for a while.

It seems there’s nothing quite like the prospect of naming a hairdressing salon to bring out the "punner" in a person. Here are some of the worst I found on the web and in the local strip mall.

A Little Off The Top
Bangs For The Memories
Bushwackers
Clipping Penalty
Cliptomania
Clips-n-Tips
Combing Attractions
Curl up and Dye
Cut & Blow Flo's
Cuts & Bruises
Dexa-Trims
Dude I'm So Buzzed
Dyeing to be Seen
Flying Scissors
Gee Eyed Janes Flat Tops
George Hair-ison's Solo Career
Hair and Beyond
Hair Apparent
Hair Commandants
Hair It Be
Hairway to Heaven
Hannah and Her Scissors
HeadWays
Los Angeles Clippers
Mane and Central
Mane Event
Mane-lining Hair-oin
No Conditioner To Drive
Pecker Head Cuts
Razor Maids
Roller Blades
Samson and Delilah's
She Cut Me
Shear Hostility
The Final Cut
The Hair After
The Mane Reason My Parole Was Revoked
The Viet-Mane War Memorial
Why Won't You Dye?

Sure they’re funny as you drive past, but what if you had to work at one of these places?

You don’t see medical offices, dental offices, or regular businesses using puns in their names.

Why do hair stylists have a monotony, er monopoly on puns?

March 6, 2009 - Friday Funny - New Logos

This week's Friday Funny was submitted by a friend of 25 years, Duke, that was named after his family's dog.

Duke is a long time corporate survivor.

Here are some new CORPORATE LOGOS.

March 2, 2009 - PPM - Garbage Policies

This week's PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is the upside down policies of my local garbage collector.

Monday’s Cincinnati Enquirer had an article titled; Rumpke Revenues Fall With Less Trash.

The company has been negatively impacted by falling commodity rates for recycled materials.

When I reviewed my quarterly Rumpke bill last week, I noted the following:

- 14% of my bill was for “Recycled Services”
- 6 % of my bill was for a “Fuel Surcharge”

I don’t know what bothers me more, a company that charges me a fee to “Be Green” and then makes a profit off of it or a company that mysteriously adds a fuel surcharge when gasoline prices have dropped by 50%.

I actually would save money if I DIDN’T recycle. I might feel guilty, so I could still save my recyclables and take them to a facility myself. I would get the cash directly. I don’t mind the trashman making a profit, but aren’t you “TRIPLE DIPPING” here.

1. You charge me to collect my recyclables
2. You earn money on my recyclables and don’t share the profits
3. You over bill me on the gas on your way to over bill me to pickup my recyclables.

When I contacted Rumpke about the fuel surcharge they replied via email,

“The fuel surcharge that we charge our customers is a fraction of what it costs to operate the trucks; instead of hiding these costs in the bulk of the bill, they are explicitly outlined for the convenience of our customers.”

I feel much better now.

Reform your policies or this could be me!!!