June 30, 2008 - Injury Update

Jabberwockers, I’m back.

If you didn't know, I tore my left hamstring off the pelvic bone and separated my right shoulder avoiding a collision a first base on June 8 while playing in an eighteen and over BB league with my older son.

I had surgery to reattach the hamstring on June 20 and have just emerged from my drug induced euphoria. I will be on crutches for a month and unable to do yard work for 3 months or run for 6 months.

For those of you expecting me to post a picture of the surgical scar like I did with MY TOE injury last year, I can’t. I mean I would like to, but I can’t. The 4 inch incision is at the crease of my left leg and buttock. I’m told that any dreams I had of being a “Butt Model” are gone. Also if I ever get caught mooning someone it would be easy to pick me out of the police line-up.

If you are planning to visit me while I rehabilitate in my chair, I would suggest you bring your own cup for cocktails. At left is a picture of the cup I have been using during the commercial breaks of the Hogan’s Heroes marathon.

I’m receiving daily needle sticks, pricks, and shots of Fragmin from the resident Nurse Ratchet for the risk of Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT) due to inactivity. If that is the symptom, then there are plenty of Americans that could use the shot as well.

Let me give you the other highlights of the recovery so far:

The first week I was unable to shower or sleep in a bed. I found out you could buy just about anything via Paid Programming on the TV at 3:00 in the morning. The last time I was laid up, I bought:

Eggs Apart – perfect for when you want an Egg McMuffin after 10:30 a.m.

Carbite Putter – 65% more accurate than “regular” putter

The "Perfect Club” – a golf club that GUARANTEES that you can launch 200 yard recovery shots from any fairway bunker

Wine Caddy – 5 foot high, iron sculpture that holds wine bottles

Kangaroo SUV Buddy – baggage compartment that straps to the top of your car

Red Devil Grill - portable butane grill (since recalled for safety reasons)

Dinosaur Lawn Topiary - no description necessary

I won’t divulge what I bought this time as some family and neighbors read this blog. Let’s just say I checked the local zoning ordinances, first. There should be some interesting deliveries from FedEx in the next 2-4 weeks.

I also found out that DirecTV has a channel for every Religion except Jim Jones’ People’s Temple, David Koresh’s Branch Davidians, or the Heaven’s Gates group that was going to exit Earth on the first available UFO.

Now off the meds, I able to read, function, and blog. I’ve accumulated several PET PEEVES that should keep me busy blogging, and you Jabberwocky reading, until the next injury (3-6 months from now.)

Special thanks to my wife and her many helpers who have been my arms and legs the last 10 days. Below is my youngest, special helper.

June 19. 2008 - Medical Time-Out

I will have to take a brief sabbatical from my blogging as I deal with another sports injury.

The folks at the local hospital did such a fine job with my toe, I’ve decided to let them operate on the whole leg. I hope to be able to share some surgery action photos.

I apparently tore my hamstring tendon. I actually tore it right off the bone. They will reattach it on Friday, June 20.

I hope to resume blogging as soon as I’m permitted by the local pharmacologist to handle heavy machinery.

June 13, 2008 - Tim Russert (1950-2008)

On most Fridays, I publish a FRIDAY FUNNY. Not today.

There is no joy in Mudville, Buffalo, or for that matter anywhere in the U.S, that spent their Sunday mornings watching Meet the Press.

Tim Russert, the moderator of that show, died unexpectedly today at 58.

Russert was one of the few TV political pundits that did not show his true political colors when interviewing a guest or delivering the news. Russert was a long-time Democratic supporter having worked for Gov. Cuomo and Sen. Moynihan, both of NY. However, you never knew that fact unless you took the time to read his NBC profile ( I had.)

Russert’s contemporaries like Chris Mathews and Keith Olbermann wear their politics on their sleeve. Mathews actually said that he “got a chill going up his leg” after one of Obama’s speeches. Nice journalism.

Anyone who has read my blog, knows that most posts have a political spin. I began watching Meet the Press on a black and white TV as a child in the late 1960’s. We only received one station and that was an NBC affiliate.

Russert was the host since 1991. Many people only became aware of Russert after the 2000 election night when he championed a white board to describe the Electoral College map and how everything would come down to Florida. As a political junkie, I stayed up until 4 a.m. that night watching Russert. Ironically, I began carrying a dry erase marker with me to business meetings in the early 1990's because it was always easier to illustrate a solution or idea than to talk about it.

However in watching the coverage of his death, it appears Russert was the real deal. He is being described as gregarious, friendly, and a man of integrity.

There has never been a hint of personal scandal with Russert. There will never be a You Tube video of his off camera antics like we recently saw of Chris Berman, Casey Kasem, or Bill O’Reilly.

There is a conversation topic we sometimes have when friends come over for cocktails. Everyone answers the question, “If you could invite 5 people to dinner, who would they be?”

Tim Russert was always on my list. Unfortunately, there will be an empty seat at my table.

There will also be an empty chair this Sunday. Who will say, “If it’s Sunday, it’s Meet The Press”?

June 9, 2008 - PPM - Poor Haircut Choices

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is PARENT-INDUCED BAD HAIRCUTS.

It is not the kind of haircuts that most people receive. It is the haircut that is forced upon children by their Jerry Springer watching, chain smoking, tattoo collecting, worst yard in the trailer park, parents. My apologies to Jerry's law-abiding transvestites without children that also fall into this demographic. I mean no harm.

People, why would you subject your child to this act of uncivil disobedience? You should be made to wear YOUR OWN hair in a Mohawk or Mullet (known as Billy-Ray Cyrus career-ender). You inflict your poor style choices upon a defense-less child. It is nothing more than a form of child abuse.

Finally, one school in Parma Ohio took action and suspended a student for sporting a Mohawk. It is about time.

I’ve put green coloring in my kid’s hair for St. Patrick’s Day. I spray paint their hair on most OHIO STATE football Saturdays.

These hair treatments last less than 24 hours and will not require professional therapy. My kids' need for therapy will have NOTHING to do with their hair color or style selection.

These people that follicle-ly abuse their children are the same people that see nothing wrong with putting a dress on a dog.

Come on people. Leave your kids’ hair alone. It’s not their choice to be an individual, it is YOURS.

They have enough of a challenge with you as their parent, without you making their ability to have a normal life, harder.

June 7, 2008 - Loser of the Week - Ed McMahon

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK is Ed McMahon.

McMahon, was best know for introducing Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show. His intro of “Here’s Johnny” was unparalleled. He is also former pitchman for the American Family Publishers' sweepstakes and former "Star Search" host.

McMahon, 85, appeared with his wife, Pamela on the CNN’s Larry King Live this week. The couple said they are $644,000 behind on their mortgage payments and are in negotiations with lender Countrywide Home Loans Inc. to set a foreclosure date.

$644K BEHIND? Most homes don’t cost $644K.

Ed McMahon blames the possible foreclosure of his multimillion-dollar Beverly Hills house on a set of problems all too familiar to many “normal” Americans: a floundering economy, health problems and poor planning.

"If you spend more money than you make, you know what happens," McMahon said Thursday night on CNN's Larry King Live. "You know, a couple of divorces thrown in, a few things like that. And, you know, things happen."

Here is my advice. DON’T SPEND MORE THAN YOU MAKE and DON’T GET MULTIPLE DIVORCES.

Documents show McMahon has a $4.8 million mortgage on the 7,000 square foot mansion has six-bedrooms, five-bathrooms. It is located in a gated hilltop section off Mulholland Drive called The Summit. Britney Spears is among his neighbors.

In addition to the incomes from his many Hollywood jobs and endorsements, McMahon received a $7.2 million settlement after a toxic mold spread through his house and led to the death of their dog in 2001.

How bad of a money manager do you have to be? Below is the only known picture of Ed McMahon and his financial advisor.

Using my best Ed McMahon voice: “HEEEEEEERRRRREEEEE’S MY ADVICE.”

I would suggest that Mr. McMahon should wait out by the mailbox for that American Family Publishers check. It’ s in the mail.

Or you could try to live WITHIN your means and move to a more reasonable house.

Either way, Ed McMahon, you are my LOSER OF THE WEEK.

June 6, 2008 - Friday Funny - Sunscreen or Sunscream?

Today, the mercury will hit 90 degrees and it will be the hottest day in Cincinnati this year. Hello Summer!!! Goodbye Spring, we hardly knew you.

Here is a Public Service Reminder to use plenty of SUNSCREEN or please remember to baste every 15 minutes until fully cooked.

June 4, 2008 - WATN - Lesson 2 for Home School Critics

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY (WATN) is a continuation of my WATN posting from two weeks ago. That post concerned me taking my 1st grader out of school to “home school” him at a baseball game about Diversity, Economics, and Hearing Safety.

Last Wednesday, I continued my “Home Schooling” mission by taking my 1st grader out of school for a another field trip. This time we went to a golf course.

He learned about the GEOMETRY of lining up putts based on a double breaking greens.

He learned about triple digit MATH addition by adding up 18 various digits on a Golf Scorecard. He also learned why there is a 19th hole.

Additionally, he now understands “golf etiquette” and how and when to use his “golf voice.”

His vocabulary now includes terms such as:

MULLIGAN
SHANK
SLICE
DUCK HOOK and
FORE

He also knows that any putt over 6 feet is just a waste of time and that those putts are always good.

Next week, we go to the horse track to learn about letting it ride and about how to use an ATM machines.

June 2, 2008 - PPM - Bad Karma Earthquakes

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) concerns the blaming of National Disasters on someone or something.

Sharon Stone recently blamed the China Earthquake on Bad Karma.

Nice way to revitalize a career built on a single leg crossing.

It ranks up there will Pat Robertson stating that Hurricane Katrina was God’s way of expressing anger at the Academy of television Arts and Sciences for selecting Ellen Degeneres to host the Emmy’s that year. He said, “ By choosing a avowed lesbian for this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God’s wrath. Is it any surprise that the Almighty chose to strike at Miss Degeneres’ hometown?”

I have news for Pat Robertson. The only result of choosing Degeneres as host of the Award Show was LOW RATINGS.

Conversely, people also “Thank the Good Lord” after the tornado ripped through their mobile home yet spared them and their dog. People also say that God was on their side when they made that game winning shot. Maybe God just liked you more than the other guy.

I know a bit about “divine intervention.” As I mentioned before, I am now known as THE Reverend JJ Lewis from the Church of Spiritual Humanism. I have the certificate and cancelled check as evidence.

Do you think there is a reason I stay inside during inclement weather? I’m sure people would misread any lightning strike in my general direction as a message from above.

I wish celebrities would keep their mouth shut about news and world events. I could have a daily post about what Hollywood type showed their ignorance about current events. Oh wait, what would the girls on “The View” have to talk about?

Look people, weather happens, earthquakes occur, and one team has to win, AND LOSE every game. The “Good Lord” didn’t do it, prevent it, or target someone. %&IT HAPPENS.

Below is a picture of Sharon Stone after God hits her plastic surgeon-manufactured face with a 7.1 earthquake.