April 21, 2008 - Vacation

My apologies to all of the Jabberwockers out there.

This month has been the perfect storm with Little League, the IRS, and a Golf Vacation all happening in April.

This week is a Vacation week, as I will be renewing my relationship with the sand traps of Myrtle Beach.

I already have some pent-up PET PEEVES. I’ll unleash them in full fury next Monday, April 28.

April 14, 2008

No Blogs this week. It's TAX WEEK.

No PET PEEVE about paying taxes. Wish I could pay more.

April 11, 2008 - Friday Funny - Missing Husband

Marv was in trouble -- He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife, Tori, was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning, Marv got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, Tori put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. Tori opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Marv has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

April 7, 2008 - Pet Peeve Update

The local newspaper has published two of my recent PET PEEVE MONDAYS.

The first PET PEEVE addressed the Tax “Rebates” offered by Congress to combat the possible recession. Rebate is in quotes because it is not a rebate if you didn’t pay taxes. People are receiving checks even though they didn’t pay into the pool. It isn’t a rebate. It is income redistribution or welfare.

The second PET PEEVE concerned Hillary Clinton ‘s obfuscation about her Bosnia experience. She claimed she misspoke. Bottom line, she lied, and then she lied to cover up her lie.

At some point, the newspapers are going to have to pay me for my in-depth, provocative thoughts.

My lack of remuneration will possibly lead to a, ... say it with me, PET PEEVE.

April 6, 2008 - Derby Dead Pool Update

Maybe I finally found my prognostication niche. My NCAA pool was over before it started as The Ohio State University had no chance to reach the Final Four, even though I had them as a write-in selection. My real gift may be selecting DEAD PEOPLE, or rather, picking people that will probably die soon.

It has been over 2 months, but I finally got my second hit on my Derby Dead Pool.

The Derby Dead Pool is where you list 20 people that you think will die in 2008. The winner last year correctly predicted 10 of his 20 celebrity deaths. You get points based on how they die and how old they were at the time of their death.

I haven’t had any activity since Suzanne Pleshette died on January 23. Until this weekend.

Charlton Heston died yesterday after a battle with dementia. He was the star of 150 films and TV series, among them "The Ten Commandments", "Ben Hur" and my favorite, "The Planet of the Apes".

Heston also led the National Rifle Association, believing that it is "man's God-given right" to own guns. In the below photo, Charlton Heston accepting a presentation rifle at 2000 NRA convention with the now well-known exclamation "From my cold, dead hands!"

Funeral arraignments are yet to be finalized as the mortuary team is still trying to pry the rifle from Heston’s hands.

I always admired Heston for his disdain for political correctness. Heston stated, "If Americans believed in political correctness, we'd still be King George's boys - subjects bound to the British crown."

I received six points for my Heston selection, which moved me to 66th place out of 459 teams. There is still a lot of time left, maybe not for my selections, but in the calendar year for a comeback.

April 4, 2008 - Friday Funny - Real Ads

These are some real ads:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER:
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES:
Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG:
Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED:
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK:
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE:
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE -

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything. Call Robert.

April 2, 2008 - WATN - My Blue Cooler

This week’s Where Are They Now? Wednesday? (WATN) concerns my favorite BLUE COOLER.

My BLUE COOLER had been with me longer than my wife and children. While an inanimate object, it provided much joy, especially when occupied with my favorite chilled beverages.

Last Friday, my younger sister and I threw a surprise birthday party for our OLDER sister. Non-disclosures and tact prevent me from announcing which birthday it was for our OLDER sister. However, I’m 46 and I think she may have graduated 4 years ahead of me.

As part of the surprise we loaded 25 of her friends onto a “Party Bus” and toured some Columbus Ohio establishments. I volunteered the use of my BLUE COOLER to provide libations on the bus.

At our last destination we placed the favorite BLUE COOLER by the establishment's entrance as we went inside to say our goodbyes to each other.

I would never have the chance to say “Goodbye” to my oldest, dearest friend, my BLUE COOLER.

Upon leaving, I was shocked to learn that my favorite BLUE COOLER had gone the way of D.B. COOLER, er D. B. Cooper.

My BLUE COOLER was gone, without a trace, without a ransom note. Some one had decided to steal my life long companion, along with approximately 15 Bud Lights, 11 Michelob Ultras, and 3 Samuel Adams Red Cheery Ales.

In a Nancy Kerrigan falsetto voice, I cried, “Why, Oh Why?” (It was 1 a.m.)

I really don’t care about what was IN the cooler. I just want my old friend returned.

Below is a photo of the BLUE COOLER before it was stolen. I photo catalog all of coolers in case of an unwanted abduction.

I plan to eventually photograph my children as a precaution as well.

There are a couple of suspects. Two of the party bus participants were self proclaimed “Hineygate Honeys.” They were bragging about their exploits and past villainy throughout the night.

Should anyone see these villains/vixens with my favorite BLUE COOLER, let me know.

March 31, 2008 - PPM - I Mis Spoke

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) concerns the phrase, “I Mis-Spoke.”

Hillary Clinton used the expression recently to discuss her conflicted recollection of her time in Bosnia. On the campaign trail she stated that she had to “duck sniper fire and run for cover.” Actual camera footage showed a different picture. Clinton was shown greeting local school children on the tarmac while laughing and enjoying the moment with her daughter Chelsea at her side.

One has to imagine if they were ever truly in a life or death situation they would be able to recall the facts with crystal-clear clarity. Maybe Hillary was just groggy from answering all of those 3 a.m. phone calls.

Bottom line, Hillary did not mis-speak, SHE LIED.

When I asked my 7 year-old if he had eaten his sister’s chocolate bunny. He wagged his cocoa stained finger and said, ‘I did not have edible relations with that Easter Rabbit.” Only when confronted with his chocolate stained blue shirt did he state that he had obviously “mis-spoke.”

I may have “mis-punished” him by painting his back porch red.

Everyone wants to use the “mis” prefix as a get out of jail free card. Roger Clemens stated that his good friend Andy Pettitte, “mis-remembered” a purported conversation about steroids.

Here’s how I would use my “mis” mulligans:

“Officer, I mis-saw the Stop Sign. I promise to stop twice at the next one."

“Honey I mis-wrote the tip on the Hooters credit card voucher. No one would tip 200% on purpose.”

“Seriously, I mis-joked about the bomb in my boxers, Mr. Airport Screener. There is no need for more probes!!!”

Folks, let’s stop the word games. A LIE IS A LIE.

If the politicians continue to “mis- speak,” I’m probably going to “mis-vote” in November.