September 28 - Friday Funny - Political Incorrectness

This week, the top four U.S. Republican Party presidential candidates skipped a debate on minority concerns, raising questions of racial division within the party.

Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson and Senator John McCain all said scheduling conflicts prevented them from attending Thursday's debate at a historically African-American university, Morgan State, located in Maryland.

It didn't take long for the Democrats to release the below marketing literature:

September 26 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - If the Moccasin fits ...

My WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY (WATN) has to do with Nike’s announcement about releasing a shoe designed specifically for Native Americans. I saw the press release on CNNMoney.com.

WHERE IS THE MORAL/ETHNIC OUTRAGE?

If Nike would have released an African American shoe, I’m sure the Reverends’ Sharpton and Jackson would have been first in line to protest. Worse yet, if Nike had released a “European-American” or “Whites-Only” shoe, the outrage would be 7/24 on all the cable networks.

As a one-eighth American Cherokee, I’m a little offended. Probably about 7 % offended, but not 12.5 %. Besides, my Indian ancestors already have a shoe. IT’S CALLED A MOCCASIN.

At left, is my son with one of our yard decoration that reminds us of our ancestors’ struggles with being kept down by the White Man and exploited for strictly marketing purposes. We got a great deal on it at a yard sale.

I’m 100% outraged that my people do not have a Reverend Sharpton or Reverend Jackson to defend us. Where are you Jim Plunkett? What happened to Ben “Nighthorse” Campbell?

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Below is my daughter playing in the Tee Pee I have erected in my yard as a protest.

September 24 - Pet Peeve Monday - Halo 3 Losers

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY concerns the HYSTERIA that surrounds the new release of Halo-3.

There is an intense, self-created, hype every time there is a new release of a video game.

Halo-3 is only the latest. In the past few years, I can think of many: XBOX 360, Wii, Madden Football, Play Station Version whatever.

The newspapers put it on the front page. Newscasts lead with how 25 year old Jimmy, was able to put down his controller long enough, to emerge from his momma’s basement, and able to stand and sleep in line for four days, in order to be the first UBER-GEEK to get the new game.

I enjoy cheeseburgers, but I don’t camp out at McDonald's every time they announce that they just got better, cheaper, or that there was going to be a limited supply.

There is great sketch from a 1986 Saturday Night Live. William Shatner of Star Trek fame is speaking to a group of Trekkies:

William Shatner: "You know, before I answer any more questions there's something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and I've spoken to many of you, and some of you have traveled... y'know... hundreds of miles to be here, I'd just like to say... GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed! You've turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME! (the Trekkies look shocked and dismayed...) I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves? (to a Mr. Spock look-a-like) You, you must be almost 30... have you ever kissed a girl? ("Spock" hangs his head) I didn't think so! There's a whole world out there! When I was your age, I didn't watch television! I LIVED! So... move out of your parent's basements! And get your own apartments and GROW THE HELL UP! I mean, it's just a TV show dammit, IT'S JUST A TV SHOW!"

Two weeks ago, I attended an out of town wedding in Columbus Ohio. I stayed at a nice Marriott hotel. At the same hotel were 300, 18-30 year olds attending a Japanese Anime convention.

Every attendee was dressed in full costume complete with a can of Red Bull in one hand and chocolate goobers in the other. In the breakout rooms they played video games on large projection screens. In other rooms they were playing their home videos of their re-enactment of their favorite Anime scene. (Sound familiar, you Civil War re-enactment buffs?)

The hotel bar was empty. No surprise there. Interestingly, the Animes wanted to get their picture taken with me, a mere mortal in a suit.

The funniest moment came when an Anime, or what ever they call themselves, accidentally got on to our concierge level. That level requires a special elevator key. The amazement in her voice was as if she just found “the secret passage to a new world on Mario Brothers.” When the elevator finally reached the lobby she couldn’t wait to tell her friends of her adventure to the “forbidden city.”

My advice to you folks that feel the need to wait in line for things like the Halo 3 game:

GET A LIFE.

This Blog was uploaded from my new, really cool, I-Phone.

September 17 - Pet Peeve Monday - Sub Prime Loans

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY concerns the SUB-PRIME MORTGAGE CRISIS.

It is only a CRISIS if you exhibited poor financial planning. As such, I’m not worried if you are offended by this PEEVE, because you probably wouldn't understand it any way.

Sub prime loans were those loans that people took to get into homes that they could not afford.

People that decided to invest in the speculative real estate market took these loans. They bought 4-5 condos or properties before they were built. They figured they would make money in an appreciative real estate market. These were the same people that lost money when the technology bubble burst in 2000.

Now, the government is going to BAIL OUT these gamblers. Congress is drafting bills to eliminate their debt. WHY?

It is my same PET PEEVE for WHY did the government feel the need to BAIL OUT people in New Orleans that built homes BELOW SEA LEVEL WHY?

They should get a tax bill for being STUPID!!!

It’s easy math. Water is at sea level. Your house is BELOW sea level. What can happen?

A. - A Flood
B. - A Flood
C. - A Flood
D. - A Flood

If you bet on the housing market or bet on the interest rates to come down, AND LOST, so be it. YOU LOST, not my fault. Did you share your profits on the market rise?

Why should I have to pay the taxes that in effect, bail you out?

I took the safe path of a workable mortgage at a manageable rate. Sure I could have GAMBLED for a larger garage, a pool, and a servant’s quarters. BUT I DIDN’T.

Why?

It was TOO much of a risk.

I also DID NOT buy a home below sea level.

Why?

It was TOO much of a risk.

Why should risky behavior be forgiven or in fact rewarded? Especially on the backs of regular taxpayers?

This is MY PET PEEVE. It should be yours as well.

September 16 - Loser of the Week - Barry Manilow

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK is Barry Manilow. I know, he has been a LOSER of the week, month, year, decade, and generation for many of you.

I actually saw Barry a few years ago at an outdoor concert. It was a pretty good show. The audience was as interesting as Mr. Manilow.

Barry is a LOSER because he canceled a scheduled appearance on ABC's "The View," because he dislikes co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

But Manilow pulled out of the show, after stating he finds right-wing host Hasselbeck "dangerous and offensive."

In a statement, Manilow says, "I strongly disagree with her views. I think she's dangerous and offensive. I will not be on the same stage as her. ... I cannot compromise my beliefs."

Hasselbeck must be some stealth conservative super hero in disguise. She has single handily forced Rosie O’Donnell off THE VIEW and repressed Manilow from expectorating his contrary views.

Could It Be Magic or Is It A Miracle, Even Now, I’m not sure. I guess I’m Trying To Get That Feeling Again, before Daybreak, or in that New York City Rhythm.

But It Looks Like We Made It. Because, I Can’t Smile without You. However, I’m Ready To Take That Chance Again.

Because, This One's For You.

September 14 - Friday Funny - Real Men of Genius

This week's Friday Funny is courtesy of a friend that shares my love of Ohio State Football and our total contempt for all things michigan.

It was inspired by Bud Light’s REAL MEN OF GENIUS and michigan’s total failure as a football team this year:

September 13 - Petraeus Ad Response

As an update to my September 11 post about moveon.org’s ad about General Petraeus, Rudy Giuliani has responded.

Guiliani has asked the Democrats to denounce the ad (none have) and has asked the NY Times to run his ad (below) at the same discounted rate that they offered moveon.org. The NY Times has not responded as yet.

I love Hillary Clinton's comment when she responded to the General's testimony: "The willing suspension of disbelief." She has probably used that statement when confronted with Bill's story of where he had been the night before.

IS this the kind of double speak we can expect from the 2008 Democratic nominee? I guess it depends on what your definition of IS, IS, to quote another Clinton.

September 11- Six Years Later

Last year, I blogged about September 11. As I re-read that blog, my thoughts haven’t changed.

As the defining moment of my generation, people always say, they will never forget where they were on this date.

On 9/11/01, I was heading to a co-worker’s house. We were planning a noon flight from Dayton to Chicago. We were going to mix a little business with a lot of pleasure. We were going to see a couple of Reds games against the Cubs at Wrigley Field. Our expense statement would show that customers attended the games, and they were quite hungry and thirsty.

I was driving and listening to the AM news when the first plane hit. I instinctively called my neighbor. Her husband worked and lived in NYC, most of the time. She immediately updated me on what she knew from the news channels. She quickly got off the phone to call her spouse.

When I arrived at my friend’s house, we turned on his TV. Just then, we saw the second plane hit the South Tower. We looked at each other and knew that we were not going anywhere that day. This was prior to the official grounding of all flights.

In a matter of a few hours, history unfolded in front of us. At the time, nobody knew what was the extent and breadth of the attacks. There were many false alarms that day.

About 2 p.m., I slowly made my 80-mile trek home to my family. The hugs went on all night long.

My interest in travel, and work for that matter, were never the same after September 11. To think that 3,000 innocent people were just doing what they did every day, but were irrevocably and mortally caught in the crosshairs of some terrorists was unthinkable. When people say that “Life is Too Short”, they are being glib.

I used to love international travel. I had been to over 25 countries, prior to 9-11. Since then, I have traveled to Canada, once.

I don’t fear for my life by traveling. I hate the inconvenience of flying. I hate the indignity of having to take off my shoes. I hate the fact that I have to be patted down, have been questioned, and have been un-necessarily delayed. Exactly how many blond haired, blue-eyed terrorists have we experienced?

Screw the racial profiling argument. If Nordics were attacking America, I would be the first to get in line to be searched.

With new threats, we now cannot take any liquids, toothpastes, or gels on planes. What will happen when some terrorist want to-be decides to hide liquid explosives in a bra or body cavity? Do we now fly nude or wearing only a paper gown? Are TSA proctologists that far fetched of an idea?

BTW, the technology exists where someone can implant explosives into their body (e.g. calves, pecs, breasts, love handles.)

If someone is intent on a suicidal mission, how do we psychologically screen them? They will not, and cannot be stopped.

Upon further review, when you take my individual non-travel history since 9-11 into consideration, the Terrorists have won.

Here is my 9-11 Solution.

Make September 11th a National Holiday.

Make it a crime for anyone to announce a September 11 Sale. As a matter of principle, CLOSE ALL BUSINESSES, BANKS, and CANCEL MAIL SERVICE. There should be NO COOKOUTS or POOL PARTIES. NO GAME SHOWS, NO SOAP OPERAS, AND DEFINITELY NO REALITY SHOWS on TV. Make all TV stations run 9-11 features and tributes. Make 9-11 the REALITY show for everyone.

David Worley was prophetic in his 2003 song. “Have You Forgotten?”

Make no mistake, we have.

It has only been 6 years since this tragic day. Before General Petraeus could even provide his recommendation to Congress this week, he was assailed by a full-page ad, paid for by moveon.org, calling this PATRIOT “General Betray Us.”

NICE, WITTY, AND CLASSY.

ENOUGH. The terrorists are our enemies, not each other.

Politicians today launch pre-emptive strikes, going against something, just because the other party came up with it.

Democrats said the “Troop Surge” was doomed before it was started. And now they say it was a failure before the results and reports have been released.

NICE, WITTY, AND CLASSY.

I posted a joke about a year ago, it still holds true:

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon cruising on the Presidential yacht.

They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat blows off his head and out into the water.Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht, walks across the water to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over, picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times headline reads:"Bush Can't Swim!"

NICE, WITTY, AND CLASSY.

How about we focus on the TRUE ENEMY before they provide us another apparently forgetful reason not to get along?

September 10 - Pet Peeve Monday - UNIVISION Debate

This week’s PET PEEVE is a continuation of my previous PET PEEVES about ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.

For those of you getting up to speed, I previously discussed ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION on:

March 29, 2006 – my second Blog ever

May 1, 2006 – Boycott the Law Breakers

May 16, 2006 - My Solution to Illegal Immigration

May18, 2007 – Loser of the Week – George Lopez

June 4, 2007 – Mexico City Morons

This past Sunday, we reached a new low.

UNIVISION hosted a Spanish-language Democratic presidential debate on Sunday night.

It was the latest in an unbelievable number of debates leading up to the 2008 elections. The UNIVISION debate may have been historic for its English-to-Spanish-back-to-English-subtitle translation.

Hey, here is a novel idea. How about you MUST speak and read ENGLISH in order to vote. Our founding fathers DID NOT write the CONSTITUTION in any language but ENGLISH. All others, NEED NOT APPLY.

If I go to a restaurant in France and they only have French menus, guess what? I get what I get. I once was served something in Germany, that to this day, I’m not sure what I had.

In the debate the pretenders kept to their pre-defined scripts on Immigration.

Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) reminded the audience that his father was an immigrant from a small town in Kenya. Obama also compared Cesar Chavez to Martin Luther King.

Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.- at right) pointed out that her campaign manager is a Latino.

Former Sen. John Edwards boasted that his hometown in North Carolina "is now half Latino."The winner of the name-dropping contest was probably former Sen. Mike Gravel, who solemnly referenced Armando Soriano, a soldier who was killed in Iraq and whose parents now face deportation.

The WTF moment came when New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson (the lone Latino candidate, cursed with a Caucasian-sounding name) who speaks fluent Spanish, but was blocked from doing so by debate organizers. UNIVISION said it wanted to be fair to the other candidates.

Hey UNIVISION, how about be fair and encourage your viewers to follow the law. If you are here illegally, you don’t get to stay, and you DO NOT GET TO VOTE, regardless of what the Democrats say.

Sorry, it’s the law, look it up. Maybe UNIVISION can translate that for you as well.

September 7 - Friday Funny - You're not in Kansas anymore

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is Republican presidential hopeful, U.S. Senator Sam Brownback, R-Kansas during a speech at the New Hampshire Institute of Politics at Saint Anselm College in Manchester, N.H., Tuesday, Sept. 4, 2007. (AP Photo/Jim Cole)

Is Saint Anselm the Patron Saint of Lost Politicians?

Didn't Saint Anselm College beat Michigan?

If I politician falls over in the forest of New Hampshire, does anyone hear him? Does anyone care?

I smell a PET PEEVE on the Presidential Primary Process. Stay tuned.

September 3 - Pet Peeve Monday - I DON'T Want My MTV

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY concerns the recent, very public fight concerning THE BIG TEN NETWORK (BTN).

The Big Ten Network is a television network that launched on August 30, 2007. The network is a joint venture of the Big Ten Conference and Fox Cable Networks.

Similar to many newly launched cable sports networks, there has been debate over carriage between the Big Ten Network and cable providers.

That is too bad, because there was a game that was shown exclusively on BTN that is now considered one of the top five UPSETS of all time. It was only available in my area if you had DirecTV.

michigan lost to Appalachian State on Saturday 34-32.

Other upsets of note:

- Team USA upsets Russia at Lake Placid in 1980
- Buster Douglas beats Mike Tyson
- Jets upset Colts in Super Bowl III
- Villanova defeats Georgetown in 1985 NCAA title game

Cable providers and BTN have argued that the other side is being unreasonable in its demands -- cable companies complaining about the high cost per subscriber for the network and the Big Ten Network complaining about the tier upon which it will be carried. In fact, both parties have taken out full page ads citing their position.

Hey guys, I DON’T CARE. Do I really need to know how incompetent your corporate negotiation teams are?

Fortunately, I’ve outfitted my home with several TV options: basic cable, digital cable, over the air HDTV, and DirecTV. I was able to enjoy the michigan loss AS IT OCCURRED, IN ALL ITS GLORY.

Here is MY PET PEEVE.

Why can’t TV programming be offered a la carte?

I should only pay for what I want to watch. Screw basic cable packages and programming tiers.

I waste so much time channel surfing through The Lifetime Network and the Christian Broadcasting Network channels to get to Fox News. And don’t get me started on those Home Shopping Network Channels.

THE TECHNOLOGY EXISTS to only bill customers for what you watch – it is called PAY PER VIEW.

Why do I have to pay for channels I don’t want, watch, or even need to know that they exist?

I would gladly pay $1.10 per channel (what The Big Ten Network is asking per subscriber) for those channels I watch. My monthly cable costs could be cut by two-thirds.

Nobody needs 100 channels. Nobody is SO diverse they watch 100 channels.

When I go to the movies or Blockbuster, I don’t pay so that others may view things that they want and I don’t.

When I eat at a restaurant I don’t buy everything on the menu because they are offered. I’m not that hungry and don’t like certain foods.

Why should my TV viewing and required purchases be any different?

We proclaim to be capitalists, yet why do we subsidize non-viable channels on the backs of the more popular channels.

An ANCILLARY PET PEEVE is that I should be able to program MY CHANNELS in the order that I want. Again the technology exists in some TVs, but it is limited to 5 channels.

Why is MSNBC on channel 49 and CNN on 54? Using cable, I have to go through Comedy Central, TNT, SCI-FI Channel and the Discovery Channel to get from one to the other. On DirecTV it is even worse. They are on channels 356 and 202 respectively

I’m ashamed I know this from memory. That is valuable brain space that I could have used to save other important information like where I left my keys.

Here are the Channels I WOULD BUY:


FOX
C-SPAN
NBC
ABC
Weather Radar
CBS
E! TV
ESPN
ESPN2
USA
CNBC
FSN Ohio
VH1
AMC
Spike TV
MSNBC
Comedy Central
TNT
Discovery Channel
CNN
Fox News Channel
TBS
National Geographic


All other channels, NEED NOT APPLY.

They include, but are not limited to:

Commercial Access
Home Shopping Network
Community Access
QVC
Court TV
BET
MTV
Lifetime Movie Network
Lifetime
The Learning Channel
Discovery Health
Style
Food Network
SoapNet
Oxygen
Women's Entertainment
Bravo
Shop NBC

I DON’T WANT MY MTV AFTER ALL. I only want the channels that I will watch.

To quote, Howard Beale, played by Peter Finch in the 1976 classic movie, Network (which BTW, I could see on AMC, but not on BET):

"I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"

You should be MAD AS HELL as well.

Friday Funny - Oh Where, Oh Where, Could My Little Dog Be?

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY comes from my friend who lives near Michael Vick.

“I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbor has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him.

She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV.

She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere.

If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.......”