October 31 - Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween to All.

This year I decorated the lawn with painted Pumpkins, Ghosts, and Tombstones.

I had 5 Rest In Peace (RIP) Tombstones. Only three survived:

RIP - TV Reality Shows

RIP - Internet Poetry

RIP - Political Ads

The RIP – Second Amendment tombstone was destroyed by what I'm assuming were just random gunshots. http://jaysjabberwocky.blogspot.com/2006/07/july-17-pet-peeve-monday-2nd-amendment.html

The RIP – Illegal Immigration tombstone was stolen by my neighbor’s gardeners.

Jack decided to dress as an Ohio State football player. He currently runs a 23.5, 40-yard dash. A bit slow of foot, however, his ACT score does qualify him for early admission.

http://jaysjabberwocky.blogspot.com/2006/10/october-17-flashback-spiderman-at-5.html

For those of you that like PUMPKIN PIE, this photo is for you.

For those of you that have have had too much PUMPKIN PIE, this photo is for you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

The Great Pumpkin has left the building.

October 29 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - Minnesota Recap

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance.

Ohio State held a good old-fashioned Homecoming for Glen Mason and his Minnesota Aluminum Gophers last Saturday. Ohio State’s potent offense put up 44 points for the second straight week rolling to an easy 44-0 victory. It was over early and could have been even more of a mismatch if not for turnovers and restraint.

OSU improved their record to 9-0. They maintained their #1 ranking in all major polls including the BCS. &ichigan solidified its #2 ranking (for now) as time and eventuality caught up with USC as they lost to Oregon State.


THE GOOD

• Scoring Defense – OSU finally pitched a shutout after many near misses. It is now ranked as #1 in the country at 7.3 points per game.

• Scoring Offense – OSU put up 44 points for the second week in a row. They now rank 10th nationally in scoring offense.

• Turnovers – OSU ranks 2nd nationally in interceptions with 18 on the year.

• Troy Smith – 14-21 and 1 TD. Smith could have inflated his numbers, but it was clear the team wanted to showcase their ground options. He REMAINS the Heisman frontrunner.

• “SPREAD OFFENSE” – The Buckeyes redefined a Spread Offense by having five different players score their six touchdowns.

• Punt Team – OSU went the entire game without a punt. Three fumbles helped accelerate the change of possession.

THE BAD

• Fumbles – Freshman Chris Wells put the ball on the turf AGAIN. Smith and Jenkins joined him.

THE UGLY

• The Turf – The grass may not only be greener but firmer on the other side. Ohio Stadium is on his third rug this year. Brent Musburger’s rugs hold up better than that.

A great shout out to the Ohio State folks for inviting Jack Nicklaus to become only the fifth non-band member to dot the "I" in the halftime Script Ohio. It opens up the possibility for the rest of us.




My WTF moment came when I reviewed the defensive stats for the game. Twenty-one Buckeyes registered tackles in the game, 21! If OSU had a Rudy, I’m sure he would have entered the game, probably in the third quarter.

I would love to have the contract for the Buckeye Leaf sticker sales to the Ohio State football team.


This week’s early line has OSU favored by 26 points over Illinois. The Bucks covered the last two weeks handily. Illinois, with calm weather, should be a speed bump on the way to &ichigan.

GO BUCKS.

October 27 - Friday Funny - Countdown to &ichigan - Take 2

Last Friday, I began a weekly series of michigan jokes leading up to the big game on November 18. This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is part two in the four part series. THE GAME is only 3 Saturdays away.

Q: What do you get when you cross a michigan fan with a pig?
A: NOTHING. There are some things a pig won’t do.

Q: How do you get Lloyd Carr out of a tree in Columbus?
A: Cut the Rope.

Q: What is the difference between a michigan homecoming queen and an elephant??
A: One does tricks for peanuts; the other is gray and lives in a zoo.

Q: What does every michigan graduate say to an OHIO STATE graduate when they come face to face?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: How do you keep a wolverine out of your backyard?
A. Put up Goal Posts.

One of the great traditions at an Ohio State game is the Script Ohio and the dotting of the “i.” My son saw it first hand last Saturday.

Golf legend and former Ohio State student Jack Nicklaus will dot the "i" during Script Ohio at halftime of Saturday's homecoming game with Minnesota.

Nicklaus is just the fifth non-band member given the honor, joining former OSU coach Woody Hayes, former OSU president Novice G. Fawcett, comedian Bob Hope and former OSU ticket director Bob Ries.

GO BUCKS.

October 25 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Grandma

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is my Grandma, who died on August 11, 2004. Sure the easy answer is, she’s in the ground. But the better answer, and correct one, is that she live on. Let me explain.

After her husband died in 1969, she relocated to a trailer park. Back then, trailer parks did not have the bad connotation they do today, thanks Jerry Springer. I would mow her yard along with many of her neighbors. It was during these summers I became her Favorite Grandson. There might have been other contenders, or pretenders, but Grandma and I shared a common love.

It might have been the root beer floats, or the enjoyment of a competitive game of double solitaire, but it wasn’t. It was our mutual love of baseball.

Tonight, as I watch the World Series, I remember who it was that got me interested in the World Series, and baseball in general. Sure, I played baseball as a youth, but watching baseball was not a real option.

Back in the early 70’s there were not any “sports channels” or “super stations.” In fact, there was only one game on TV per week, the NBC Game of the Week. The one game was each Saturday at 1 p.m. and this only happened 25 times a season. However, every playoff game and World Series Game was televised. Better yet, they were all day games.

It was during the 1970 World Series that my Grandma taught me how to keep score. She had been keeping score of every World Series game since before I was born. She kept the scorecards in notebooks for years.

My favorite moments have my Grandma and I sitting on the couch and chair respectively, with our notebooks on the TV trays, as we watched and scored the game. I remember the great announcers like Tony Kubek, Curt Gowdy, and Joe Garagiola. Her scoring style was not as precise as the official scorekeeping standards of the day, but they worked for her and me.

After my mom died in 1997, they found some of my old scorebooks. One of the games is illustrated below. It was Game 5 of the 1972 NL Championship Series between Pittsburgh and my Cincinnati Reds. The Reds prevailed in the bottom of the ninth to advance to the World Series against the Oakland A’s.

The actual box score (link) can be compared to the scoring of an avid ten-year old fan.

Coincidently, on the outside of the now 34 year-old scorebook, is a 2-inch by 6-inch, “VOTE REPUBLICAN” sticker. I was an active 4th grader in the re-elect Richard Nixon campaign. I was very energetic in distributing campaign stickers to my classmates until Sister Celsius found out.

I have since passed the scoring enjoyment onto my first son and will pass it on to my second son in time. My then 12 year-old son, Zachary (far right), is scoring a game in 2001 from the Red’s press box at the old Riverfront (Cinergy) Stadium.

Sure it seemed easy to identify the location of a deceased person for my WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY. But they real answer is that she lives on. She’s in my thoughts every time I watch, I coach, or I play a baseball game. Thank You Grandma.

Below is a 1992 picture of Grandma and her Favorite Grandson.

October 23 - The Good, The Bad,and The Ugly - Indiana Recap

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance.

Ohio State hosted Indiana last Saturday. When ESPN decided to only air the game on ESPNU and not regular cable, it provided a great opportunity to introduce my oldest child to the religion that is OHIO STATE FOOTBALL.

It would be the first time my 17 year-old son, Zachary (below), had attended an Ohio State University game.

The eventful day began with a 5:15 a.m. departure, an 8 a.m. buffet breakfast at the Holiday Inn on the Lane, and a two-hour walking tour of the campus.

Zack is weighing his college choices and I believe OSU has now moved up in the rankings.

In the game, Ohio State rolled to an easy 44-3 victory. Indiana score first, before Ohio State finally woke up and routed the Hoosiers. Our seats were in the corner of the end zone near the players tunnel. We saw all of scoring except for one touchdown. Zack captured some amateur video of two of the scores (see below).

The AMAZING thing is that after every OSU touchdown this season the player hands or flips the ball to the referee. No dancing, no spiking, no flags for unsportsmanlike conduct. That is CLASS and it starts at the top.

OSU improved their record to 8-0. They maintained their #1 ranking in all major polls including the BCS standings.


THE GOOD

Scoring Defense – OSU allowed 3 points. OSU moved into a first place tie with LSU at 8.3 points per game. This stat should continue to improve as OSU faces three overmatched teams leading up to the colossal showdown with &ichigan on November 18.

Turnovers – OSU recorded their 14th and 15th interceptions of the year and ranks 2nd nationally in interceptions and turnover margin.

Troy Smith – 15-23 and 4 TDs. He has XBOX-ian stats of 21 TDs and only 2 interceptions. The Heisman voting will resemble the Reagan-Mondale Electoral College landslide come December, unless Troy gets injured. Troy’s closest competition, Northern Illinois RB Garrett Wolfe, has his second consecutive sub par performance. He managed only 45 yards on 17 carries against Temple.

Flea Flickers– Ted Ginn completed a 38-yard TD pass to TE Nichol. I am still waiting for the “Shot-Ginn” formation.

Antonio Smith – Smith had 12 tackles, 4 for losses, with a forced fumble, and a sack. Wow!


THE BAD

Special Teams – Indiana broke a long punt return. Touchbacks on OSU kickoffs remain inconsistent.


THE UGLY

Nothing to see here, move along folks.


My WTF moment lasted almost the entire game. Seated in Section 28A, Row BB, Seat 33, DIRECTLY behind me was a woman that did not shut-up the entire game. For three hours, the word “football” never passed her lips. She felt it necessary to shout above the crowd noise to make sure her female friend could hear her. Apparently by the volume and duration of her talking filibuster, her friend was hard of hearing and mute. You can read more about her in the second half of my October 23 Pet Peeve Monday.

From our seats we saw OSU BB Coach Thad Matta come out of the player tunnel with 5 possible recruits. One prospect stood out, actually he stood tall. He had to be a 7 footer, but he was rail thin.

Minnesota is OSU’s homecoming fodder this week. They come in on the heels of a 10-9 win over Division 1-AA North Dakota State. Minnesota is ranked #102 in passing defense. Troy Smith is ranked #4 nationally is passing efficiency. Weather permitting, it might be “shock and awe” in the airs over Columbus.

Amazingly when OSU was looking for a new head coach after the firing of John Cooper, current Minnesota Head Coach and OSU alumnus, Glen Mason was #1 on everyone’s list. Not many people knew Jim Tressel. Now they do. Sweater vest sales are up for a record fifth year in a row.

This week’s early line has OSU favored by 27 points over Minnesota. My guess is that OSU will cover for the 14th time in 15 games.

GO BUCKS.

October 23 - Pet Peeve Monday - No Talking Zone

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is people who talk inappropriately at entertainment events.

It happened twice this weekend within a 24-hour window.

On Friday night my wife and I went to see comedian Ron White. Behind us in Section RC, Row I, Seat 3 was a socially and weight challenged woman who had to announce after every joke, “That’s funny!!!”

Of course it is, you dimwit, it’s a comedy show.

She then proceeded to slap the back of the empty seat next to my wife with her x-large hands on certain jokes. Her hefty limb would not only make a loud sound, but it would vibrate the entire row.

After a few chair slaps, I glanced back at her to give her that look you give when somebody does something inappropriate. It’s a look that doesn’t require words. I hoped it was the hint she needed to knock it off. She met my glare with an affirmative nod and a “That’s Funny” statement. It was as if I was now part of her inner critic circle and I was confirming HER assessments as well.

Later in the show she began to guess the pending punch line. Sometimes right, many times wrong, ALWAYS ANNOYING.

Her laugh could be best described as the sound a Pterodactyl would exude when passing a kidney stone.

The pinnacle of my irritation was reached after one particular joke. She had ill timed her alcohol intake with the punch line. She sprayed her mouth load, and it was a large one, onto my head, neck, and shoulders. She didn’t even say “sorry.” This was surprising because her mouth was obviously purged of its contents. If I want to be sprayed at a concert, I’ll see Gallagher.

I did get a small sense of satisfaction when toward the end of the show, Ron White began a series of jokes about fat women. There was a palpable silence coming from behind us. After each fat joke, I would let out a Pterodactyl yelp along with a “Now, That’s Funny!!!” If I could have slapped her seat, it would have been the perfect mocking trifecta. As for the beer spraying, I would not have wasted any liquids on her.

I’m sure Miss Inappropriate saw nothing wrong with her antics. Maybe it was a result of her intoxication, her Jerry Springer addicted attention span, or her obvious inability to control her food and beverage input and bodily function output. I don’t know and I don’t care.

I would only request that if you are not the one on the stage, Shut The @#&# Up.

Having showered and recovered from Friday night’s experience, on Saturday I embarked off to Columbus to see The Ohio State University football team take on the Indiana Hoosiers.

My 17 year-old son had never been to a Buckeye game and the game was not available on regular TV. Our seats were in front row in the corner of the end zone. Great seats, great weather, great game, except for, wait for it, wait for it, … an inappropriate fan.

Seated in Section 28A, Row BB, Seat 33, DIRECTLY behind me was a woman that did not shut-up the entire game. For three hours, the word “football” never passed her lips. She felt it necessary to shout above the crowd noise to make sure her female friend could hear her. Apparently by the volume and duration of her talking filibuster, her friend was hard of hearing and mute.

There is a Toby Keith song, “I Wanna Talk About Me” that includes some of the below lyrics.

“We talk about your work how your boss is a jerk
We talk about your church and your head when it hurts
We talk about the troubles you've been having with your brother
About your daddy and your mother and your crazy ex-lover
We talk about your friends and the places that you've been
We talk about your skin and the dimples on your chin
The polish on your toes and the run in your hose
And God knows we're gonna talk about your clothes

We talk about your dreams and we talk about your schemes
Your high school team and your moisturizer crème
We talk about your nanna up in Muncie, Indiana
We talk about your grandma down in Alabama
We talk about your guys of every shape and size
The ones that you despise and the ones you idolize
We talk about your heart, about your brains and your smarts
And your medical charts and where you start”

This lady covered all of these topics and more. I heard about her kids, their grades, their friend’s grades, their friends of their friend’s grades. This woman drove me to a point I thought I would never approach: quoting a country music song. It has to be a sign of the approaching apocalypse.

She even said to the man on the other side of her, “these are my husband’s seats, but he wanted to sit elsewhere in the stadium, so that he could enjoy the game.” WHAT A NOVEL IDEA!!!

To counteract her annoying monologue, we simply stood up to watch the game. I figured she would complain and ask me to sit down. For four quarters, not a word was directed to me. It’s always my first goal to be non-confrontational to others and to use this forum to address Pet Peeves. I use the prophet Rodney King as my role model, “Can’t We All Get Along?.”

All in all, it was a great game as Ohio State won 44-3.

On the way out, I mentioned to her that it was a Great Game. Her response, “I wouldn’t have missed it.” I laughed like a Pterodactyl.

October 20 - Friday Funny - Countdown to &ichigan

This week’s and the next four week’s FRIDAY FUNNIES will be dedicated to michigan jokes. The big game is only 4 Saturdays away, and its time to get the Party Started.

Q: Why did Lloyd Carr make his michigan wolverines start eating their Wheaties straight out of the box?
A: Because they choke whenever they get near bowls.



Q: Why did michigan change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the michigan cheerleaders from grazing at half time.

Q: How do you get a michigan grad off of your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.


Two University of michigan football players were down on campus partying. They were hootin' and hollerin' when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took two months. "Two months?" exclaimed the bartender. The wolverine replied, "Yeah, but the box said 4-6 years."

GO BUCKS.

October 18 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Chuck Barris

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is Chuck Barris.

Chuck was the host of The Gong Show, a NBC Daytime Game Show from June 14, 1976 - July 21, 1978.

It was a precursor of today’s reality shows like American Idol and America’s Got Talent.

Three celebrities served as judges of the talent each week. The judges viewed acts performed by amateurs and each member of the panel rated the acts on a scale of one to ten. Any act that was deemed too awful to continue could be gonged at any time and be rejected immediately. The gong takes the place of a Simon Cowell sarcastic or cutting remark. The top scorer of the day won the grand prize of $516.32.

In his unauthorized autobiography “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”, Barris claimed to have also worked as a CIA hit man, with over 100 kills (the movie suggested only 33 kills.) As of yet, these claims have not been verified or repudiated. In 2002, the book was made into a film, directed by George Clooney. Sam Rockwell starred as Barris.

I have two Chuck Barris related stories.

#1 – As a sophomore in high school, I was selected to play the “Unknown Comic” on a Gong Show-like performance for the school assembly. The Unknown Comic was a regular character on The Gong Show. At right, is the original Unknown Comic. My 1978 adaptation is at the bottom of this post.

#2 – While on vacation along the South of France in 1995, my wife and I spent a couple of days in St. Tropez. When speaking to the locals in my broken high school French, I learned that Chuck Barris was living in St. Tropez. I was determined to locate him in order to share our Unknown Comic connection. I missed him by a few minutes as he had completed his bocce ball game and had left the area. Maybe it was whack someone, I’m not sure.

Where is Chuck Barris Now? Per the web, he splits his time living in Los Angeles and St. Tropez, France. At any rate, Chuck is still on the right side of the soil. He should ask American Idol for royalties or sue them for theft of his original idea. Chuck Barris' 2006 photo is on the left.

October 17 - Flashback: Spiderman at 5

This video is from July 2005, when Jack had just turned 5. He was inquiring about the Presidents, so he decided to learn their names. We are now working on the periodic table and the career stats of all Ohio State football players.

I may have created a genius, or irrevocably sent my son down the sucking vortex of doom and into therapy.

Young Spiderman

October 16 - Pet Peeve Monday - Do Not Call List

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is a Peeve for everyone I know. It is POLITICAL ADS. They start to early, air too often, and are too negative.

I have not found any use for political ads. I do my own research via the web of a candidate’s position on issues that concern me. I’m more likely NOT to vote for a candidate that can only produce negative ads. Those ads do not inform me of why TO vote for him/her.

The truly egregious political ad is the taped phone call from the candidate. Do they really think that an ill timed, canned message from a candidate that arrives at dinner time or in the middle of my favorite TV show will sway my vote?

According to the “National Do Not Call Registry” for telemarketers, I should only receive calls from businesses with which I have a direct relationship. Why doesn’t this apply to politicians? I do NOT have a relationship with any politician since all of my voting is anonymous, or so I thought.

When they call, I always shout “TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST” to no avail, it’s a recording. If I do get a live representative, I tell them I won’t vote for their candidate because he inappropriately hit on me when I was a teenage page. Boy, do they hang up quickly.

Here’s my message to ALL candidates, STOP THE CALLS.

A misleading tactic many ads use is that “He voted against X!” Many times it is when X, the issue, was just a rider on a larger bill that was really bad or had a bunch of pork.

Steve Kagan, a doctor and Democrat, running for Congress in Wisconsin, is being attacked for having sued patients who did not pay their bills. “Why not just tell the truth, Dr. Millionaire?” said an advertisement. Why can’t someone use the legal system to collect their due funds. I would. Since when is being a capitalist a bad thing.

Why not just put the candidates on ‘The Jerry Springer Show” and let them fight it out with chairs and insults. The tone of the ads with their half-truths, personal attacks, and name-calling are almost there. The only problem with the Springer Show method is that you wouldn’t be able to tell when the commercials end and the actual show begins.

The implicit message in a political ad attacking Tennessee Senate candidate Harold Ford, is that he parties with Playboy bunnies and then goes to church. Ford’s sin is that he attended the 2005 Playboy Super Bow Party. I would have attended a Preparation H Super Bowl Party if it had gotten me into the game. It doesn’t make me a pain in the ass, that’s genetic.

Virginia Governorship candidate Jim Webb is being challenged because he said in an article he wrote 27 years ago (page 277 of “Washingtonian Magazine”) saying a military dorm with 4,000 males and 300 females “is a horny woman’s dream.” In the 70s the public debated whether the all-male military should be open to women at all. Twenty-seven years ago, I was 17. I hate to think of what digressions would be attributed to me. I wrote an essay in the school paper in 1979 about necessary ban on gum chewing in class. My Wrigley and Nicoderm PAC money bubble (gum) burst before I even knew what it was.

In the 13th district of North Carolina, incumbent Democrat Brad Miller is accused of “spending your tax dollars to pay teenage girls to watch pornographic movies with probes connected to their genitalia.” From the same ad, it states, “Brad Miller spent your money to study the masturbation habits of old men.”

His opponent, Republican Vernon Robinson was accused of being so far right that the Winston-Salem Journal declared in an editorial about Robinson, “Jesse Helms is back! And this time, he’s black.” THAT IS FROM A NEWSPAPER.

Robinson got personal in his attacks and suggested that since Miller is middle-aged and childless, that he must be homosexual. Miller then felt he had to explain that his wife is unable to bear children due to the fact she had a hysterectomy and suffers from endometriosis.
Man, I’m not sure anyone is electable in North Carolina.

It makes one wonder what John Adams could say about Thomas Jefferson if the 1796 Presidential campaign were held today. If you recall your history, Adams would have a field day with the Jefferson and his affair with Sally Hemings, one of his employees (slaves). Mr. Jefferson also fathered children with Ms. Hemings.

First, Jefferson would wag his ink stained finger and say, ‘I did not have sex with that Slave, Sally Hemings.” Then when it came out that Jefferson actually fathered a child, he could rejoin and state in a John Kerry like predilection, “I actually was against slavery, before I was for it.”

However, we all know that if Jefferson had these same issues today that he had in 1796, he would never be President, let alone County Commissioner. This would make Mt. Rushmore a mighty lonely place.

My PET PEEVE is relevant. We need to eliminate the putrid style in which we conduct campaigning. It is keeping qualified candidates from entering the once respected field of public service. We are now stuck with incumbents that are in place until they are indicted or convicted like Ney, Foley, and others. We are also stuck with pompous others that committed far worse crimes before the modern lynch mobs took note.

People like Ted Kennedy (manslaughter), Robert Byrd (hate crimes), and Barney Frank (male prostitution) are also unfit to be REPRESENTATIVES OF THE PEOPLE.

October 15 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - Michigan State Recap

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance.

Ohio State visited the cold tundra of Michigan State last Saturday. The pre-game was filled with much historical reference to Michigan State upsetting the previously undefeated OSU teams of 1974 and 1998. The suspense didn’t last long after kick-off as Ohio State rolled to an easy 38-7 victory. Michigan State’s lone points came on a meaningless touchdown in the last minute when OSU had their 2nd and 3rd stringers in on defense.

OSU improved their record to 7-0. They maintained their #1 ranking in all major polls including the first release of the BCS standings.


THE GOOD

• Scoring Defense – OSU allowed 7 points. It is now ranked as #3 in the country at 9.0 points per game. Rutgers and LSU moved ahead of OSU as they both pitched shutouts in their games on Saturday.

• Turnovers – OSU recorded their 13th interception of the year and ranks 2nd nationally in turnover margin.

• Special Teams – Teddy Ginn finally ran North-South and the result was a 60-yard touchdown. Teddy, remember that feeling.

• Troy Smith – 15-24 and 2 TDs. He IS the Heisman frontrunner. Two of the runner-ups had major setbacks. Adrian Peterson, Oklahoma RB, suffered a season-ending broken collarbone. From the replay of the injury, it looked like Adrian was doing a celebration dive into the end zone and landed funny. Sounds like something you would expect from the class-less University of Miami players. Troy’s other competition, the less known, but extremely talented RB for Northern Illinois, Garrett Wolfe only managed 25 yards on 18 carries against Western Michigan.

• Flea Flickers– Two consecutive reverses involving OSU speedy receivers netted 45 total yards. Tough to defend once, but twice? That was an XBOX moment.

THE BAD

• Fumbles – Freshman Chris Wells put the ball on the turf again. I’m having flash backs to Eddie George’s freshman year.

• Special Teams – OSU gave up a 39-yard return on a kickoff with the wind. How about more Nugent/Houston style touchbacks?

THE UGLY

• Nothing to see here, move along folks.

I want to also provide a shout out to Paul Maguire, an analyst, on last week’s game. I thoroughly enjoy his insight, introspection, and humor. He should be on ABC/ESPN’s #1 team.

My WTF moment came when it was determined that for the first time in 12 years an OSU game will not be televised by the local cable companies in Ohio. It will only be available on ESPNU. Sounds like someone is trying to squeeze a little profit. Last Saturday’s Indiana-Iowa came was worthy of ESPN2, why not an Indiana game against the #1 team in the country.

I suggest everyone write their congressmen, senators, priests, grandmas, cousins, and the Dalai Lama. This travesty should not stand.


This week’s early line has OSU favored by 31.5 points over Indiana. Does the brain trust in Vegas know that Indiana has beaten Illinois and #15 Iowa in the last two weeks?

GO BUCKS.

October 13 - FRIDAY FUNNY - Golf Book

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY comes from an old friend, Phil.

Phil actually started a blog, Philly’s Gab Central, after being inspired by my blogging. Phil does not post as frequently as yours truly. He has had one post since May. I think his postings are rare due to one of the following reasons:

• Intense work and family commitments
  
• Too little time left after much needed golf lessons
  
• Phil’s wife, being from Michigan, has a hard time comprehending the intricacies of the real world. Phil spends much time keeping her away from hot objects, sharp instruments, and Tequilla.

At any rate, Phil and I golfed together last Monday. He forwarded to me the following chapters of a proposed Golf Book.


NEW BOOK ON GOLF:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Dunlop from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 4 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 5 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 6 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 7 - How to Rationalize a Six Hour Round

Chapter 8 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 9 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

Chapter 10 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter 11 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 12 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 13 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three-Putt

Chapter 14 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 15 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

Chapter 16 - Rules Interpretation: "Loss of Ball is Penalty Enough..."

Chapter 17 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, But Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender

October 12 - Journalism or Jerk-a-lism?

I know it’s not Monday, but I have a MAJOR PET PEEVE.

Yesterday, there was a tragic accident involving a plane crash into a building in NYC. The accident happened at 2:42 p.m. and it was determined less than two hours later that Corey Lidle, a Major League baseball player, was involved.

All of the networks, including ESPN broadcast this news. The problem was that Lidle’s wife and father had not been notified. They had to learn about this tragic accident while watching TV like the rest of us.

What happened to the human decency in holding the information until the proper “notification of next of kin” is completed?

Is the competitive race to get out bad news that important? SHAME ON YOU PEOPLE.

Octover 11 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - This Just In

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is an update on some people I have highlighted in past blogs.

The first is Jennifer Wilbanks, the Runaway Bride. I originally posted about here on May 19, 2006. Well, you can’t keep a good woman down on the farm too long. Her and her piecing eyes are back.

From the AP newswire: “The runaway bride is taking her former fiancé to court, claiming he took advantage of her hospitalization to defraud her of her share of the proceeds from a book deal about their adventure.

Jennifer Wilbanks' lawsuit follows a dispute in recent months over personal items -- such as a new vacuum cleaner, a ladder, a gold-colored sofa and various wedding shower gifts,
She claims ex-boyfriend John C. Mason never returned the items.

Wilbanks, then 32, ran off four days before she was to be married in a lavish wedding in 2005. She turned up in New Mexico, claiming she had been abducted and sexually assaulted. She later recanted, saying she fled because of personal issues, and pleaded no contest to telling police a phony story.

She was sentenced to two years' probation and performed community service that included mowing the lawns at public buildings.

In a lawsuit filed September 13, she and her lawyer said that while she was hospitalized and under medication, she granted Mason power of attorney to negotiate the sale of the couple's story to a publisher in New York, and Mason struck a deal for $500,000.

But she said Mason used the money to buy a house in his name only, and later evicted Wilbanks from the home. She is seeking $250,000 as her share of the home, and $250,000 in punitive damages for alleged abuse of the power of attorney.”

I have many problems with this woman.

1. How do you keep wedding shower gifts if you didn’t get married? I personally wait six months to give a wedding gift just to make sure it takes.

2. How can you profit from a crime? I thought there were laws to prevent this from happening.

3. How did she get out the hospital?

My next update is on Katie Couric. I blogged on Katie when she announced she was leaving the Today show last April 5th. I predicted that the Today show rating would go up upon her departure. They have.

I blogged on Katie a second time on September 5th. I had been asked by the local paper to critique her first newscast. I predicted she would start in first and be in last by the elections.

Five weeks into her tenure at the "CBS Evening News," Katie Couric's broadcast was third place last week for the second week in a row.

With an average of 7.04 million viewers, Couric's audience last week was the smallest she'd had since taking over the evening news anchor desk, and it's lower than the number that tuned in for her predecessor Bob Schieffer's last week on the air in late August, according to Nielsen Media Research.

Finally, I wanted to provide an update on Star Jones. I had blogged on Star on May 2nd and again on June 28th when she was fired from The View. I predicted that she would not be heard from again. So far, so good.

She did release a book, Shine: A Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Journey to Finding Love. It originally cost $24.95, but is now selling for $7.99 on Amazon. It ranks #509,825 on the Amazon “Hot Seller” list. Makes you wonder what crap is at #509,826. I’m betting it’s a book on poetry.

October 9 - Pet Peeve Monday - Survey Says...NOT

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is a derivative on last week’s PET PEEVE.

Last week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY focused on people that fall back on alcoholism as a disease defense only when they have been caught when their hand or another appendage in the tequila jar.

This week’s hot topic continues to be Rep. Mark Foley’s (R-Fl) email indiscretions with a 16-year-old page. In the latest media news cycle and subsequent “scientific polling,” this event will apparently cause the House and the Senate to move from Republican to Democrat control.

Someone needs to explain to me why the actions of one perverted person, Republican or Democrat, can cause a monumental shift in political control of our country.

Shame on the news media (liberal biased as they are) for focusing on this event. Even Newsweek , a magazine I read each week, used the topic as it's cover story this week.

It affects one, two, or maybe even five people. No one has confirmed that a crime has been committed. It appears that Pervert Foley was calculated in his contacts with House Pages. He consciously waited until they were of age before preying upon them, thus insuring no criminal act occurred.

A wise politician, Rep. Tip O’Neil (D-MA) once said and wrote a book about how, “All Politics is Local.” A loose interpretation is that, where the party may be is disarray, my local guy is OK. This will be the case in 2006.

All of media polls now suggest that more people will vote Democrat versus Republican because of the Foley event.

But if given a discrete choice between Incumbent A and Candidate B, how will they vote?

Historical data suggest that 95+ % of the time they will vote for their incumbent.

I predict that the Republicans will NOT lose control of the House and Senate on November 7. If I am right, I will link everyone back to this blog post. If wrong, you may never see this post again, so print it out.

My PET PEEVE is that the Media is trying to create a story and a political revolution where it does not exist. Is the Mark Foley story really more relevant than Iraq, the economy, North Korea, Iran, and the constant terrorism threat?

The same thing happened in 2000 when the media had suggested Al Gore had won Florida and the election based upon the Florida exit polls. They failed again in 2004 when the early exit polls had Kerry winning Ohio by 7 points. Don’t believe what the news media or polls tell you what will happen.

I hate it when someone says, “The America People want to know…”

To be frank, Screw You. I’ll tell you what I want to know. What I truly want to know is how you can be so arrogant to assume to know what I want to know.

From the media coverage of the Foley story you would think Foley had a nuclear weapon and had performed genocide on his own people. Foley had also claimed responsibility for the Natalie Holloway disappearance and the Jon Benet killings, while eloping with Jennifer Wilbanks, the Runaway Bride. Come on media, can we focus on what is important. Save the sensationalism for Entertainment Tonight.

YO, MEDIA GUYS.

STOP TRYING TO CREATE THE STORY, JUST REPORT IT.

October 8 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - Bowling Green Recap

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance.

Ohio State entertained Bowling Green last Saturday. It was originally a scheduled bye week, however, when the NCAA voted to allow 12 games this year, Ohio State filled the void with Bowling Green.

In the game, OSU beat BG 35-7 to maintain it’s #1 ranking and improve their record to 6-0. It was the first time in 13 games that OSU did not cover the spread (34.5 points). I had mentioned it in last week’s blog. It will now be known as the J3 Jinx (J. Jay’s Jabberwocky) ala the Sports Illustrated Jinx.

Ohio State achieved “bowl eligibility” with their sixth win of the year. We will always have the Motor City Bowl to fall back on should the apocalypse happen for the next six weeks in a row.



THE GOOD

• Scoring Defense – OSU allowed 7 points. It is now ranked as #1 in the country at 9.3 points per game. That number should only get better in the next few weeks.

• Turnovers – OSU recorded their 12th interception of the year to pass last year’s mark for total takeaways (fumbles and interceptions).

• Special Teams – A blocked field goal attempt and one excellent punt return were nice extras. I can’t remember the last time OSU blocked a punt. Maybe we should watch some Virginia Tech game film to see how they do it so often.

• Troy Smith – 17-20 and 3 TDs. He was named the Big Ten Offensive player of the week for the 2nd time this season. Smith’s 34-yard run on a 3rd and 25 play was inspiring. He REMAINS the Heisman frontrunner. Although that feisty Northern Illinois running back is making a strong case.

• First Drive – OSU did not come out flat against BG. They took the opening kickoff for a convincing score.

THE BAD

• Poor tackling – OSU continues to exhibit less than stellar tackling techniques at times.

• Injury – Two starters on defense had to leave the game early (Kirk Barton and David Patterson). Their status for this week is unknown.

THE UGLY

• The New Turf – The footing looked less than ideal. The new turf will have two weeks to take root before the next home game.

My WTF moment came when the local Cincinnati ABC affiliate (WCPO) decided to carry the Oklahoma –Texas game instead of the OSU game. The Dayton ABC affiliate had the wisdom to realize there were a lot more OSU fans in Ohio than Texas fans. This is the same network that titles shows Wife Swap and Ugly Betty, so we know that they aren’t the brightest.

I called the station to complain but the voice mail was full, huh? What do you think caused that? WTF.

Ohio State travels to dangerous Michigan State this week. The early line has OSU favored by 14.5 points.

GO BUCKS.

October 2 - Pet Peeve Monday - Drinks On The House (of Representatives)

Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) sends vile emails and IMs to a 16-year-old male page. He resigns in disgrace on Friday. Foley enters alcohol rehab today.

Actor Mel Gibson gets pulled over for DUI and unleashes a barrage of anti-Semitic remarks. Gibson enters alcohol rehab.

Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) drives his car into a concrete barrier. Kennedy enters alcohol and drug rehab the next day.

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is people that fall back on alcoholism as a disease defense only when they have been caught when their hand or another appendage in the tequila jar.

I won’t argue the definition of addiction and its association with diseases like cancer, diabetes, or heart disease. That is a clinical diagnosis that I’m not going to address. It’s a touchy subject. And you know I don’t tackle sensitive issues like politics, religion, or sexual preferences.

What bothers or PEEVES me is that people don’t want to take DIRECT RESPONSIBILITY for their actions. Alcoholism is not a “GET OUT JAIL FREE” card from Monopoly, or a MULLIGAN from golf.

I would like to see some reverse logic displayed. Here are some prospective dialogue exchanges I would like to see.

Reporter: “Rep. Foley, How did you pass that landmark legislation outlawing guns and assault weapons?”

Rep. Foley: “Not sure, I was wasted at the time, but it sounded good to me.”


Reporter: “Mr. Gibson, what made you sign on to do Lethal Weapon 4?”

Mel Gibson: “Not sure, I was wasted at the time, but it sounded good to me.” (OK -- that conversation probably did happen. Come on, weren’t the characters fully developed and completed in Lethal Weapon 3?)

My point is that people should correct their deviant behaviors before they get caught and try to excuse their conduct with the “I forced myself to drink too much” defense.

It’s about PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY and DIRECT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS.

OK. I’m off my soapbox. It’s time for a Mulligan joke.

An American is golfing at the Old Course in St. Andrews, Scotland.

He slices his opening drive out of bounds onto the beach. So he tees another one up and smacks it right down the middle.

The golfer turns to his old Scottish caddy and tells him that in America that is called a "Mulligan" and asks him if there is a name for it in Scotland.

The caddy replies, "AYE, we call it a three."

October 1 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - Iowa Recap

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance.

Ohio State traveled to Iowa for a Saturday night game.

In the game, OSU beat Iowa 38-17 to maintain it’s #1 ranking and improve their record to 5-0.

Ohio State has now beat three top 25 teams, including two of them on the road. Their average winning margin in those three games was 20 points.

THE GOOD

• Scoring Defense – OSU now ranks as #5 in the country at 9.8 points per game. That number should only get better in the next few weeks.

• James Laurenitis – He has put up great numbers in every game. He now has four interceptions inn five games, as a sophomore.

• Antonio Pittman – 117 yards on 25 attempts. Many of those attempts were throw- away runs into the middle of the field. Every time he went wide, he ran for a while.

• Troy Smith – 16-25 and 4 TDs. He IS the Heisman frontrunner. Don’t fall for that Brady Quinn resurgence. Notre Dame hasn’t and won’t play anyone other than #ichigan this year.

THE BAD

• Poor tackling – Iowa had two long scoring drives that were enabled by continued poor tacking techniques.

• Injury – Starting free safety Anderson Russell suffered a season ending knee injury. The upside is that this is the first significant injury for the Bucks and it didn’t come till game five.

THE UGLY

• Officiating– The instant replay official missed an obvious catch by Teddy Ginn. Additionally, I believe it’s called “pass interference” if a defender grabs a receiver’s jersey when the ball is in the air. The evidence is provided below. There was no flag on this play.

My WTF moment came when the polls came out. Three media votes did not put Ohio State #1 despite Ohio State 5-0 record in September, including 3-0 against top 25 teams.

The aberrant votes went to Auburn and West Virginia. WTF are you thinking?

Ohio State hosts Bowling Green this week. The early line has OSU favored by 34.5 points.

It should be noted that Ohio State has covered the spread in 12 straight games. This is unheard of in the sports betting world. If you would have bet $5 on Ohio State at the beginning of this streak and let it ride every game, your initial Lincoln investment would now be worth $10,250.

GO BUCKS.