June 29 - Loser of the Week - Joakim Naoh

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK is Joakim Noah.

Noah was the first round draft pick of the Chicago Bulls in this week’s NBA draft.

I’m all for being a free spirit, but he looks like he is channeling the spirits of Roseanne Rosanna Danna, the character Gilda Radner played on Saturday Night Live in the 1970’s and the late bow-tie wearing Illinois Senator Paul Simon.

That is Joakim Noah with NBA Commissioner David Stern on the left and Roseanne on the right.

Hey Joakim, this isn’t the circus. Try to act like a professional, and I don’t mean a professional clown, you big 6 foot 11 inch LOSER.

June 29 - Friday Funny - TV Newscaster

Don't be emailing me that I'm a racist. Talk to the TV News Producer or the police sketch artist first.

June 25 - Pet Peeve Monday - Over Scheduled Children

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is the parents that WANT THEIR CHILDREN TO GROW UP TOO FAST.

From the Associated Press came this story last week:

“NEW DELHI (AP) - Indian police arrested the physician parents of a 15-year-old boy who allegedly carried out a caesarean section birth under their supervision in an attempt to set a Guinness record, an official said Monday.

An Indian Medical Association chapter in the southern state of Tamil Nadu said last week that Dr. K. Murugesan showed a video recording of his son, Dhileepan Raj, performing a caesarean in an apparent bid to gain a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's youngest surgeon.”

An eight or nine year old girl died last year when she was piloting a plane in Indiana. Actually she wasn’t piloting, she was crashing. She was also tying to set a record.

Let’s let kids be kids. It’s also not solely making Kids GROW UP TOO FAST. It’s about not making them FOCUS on singular activities at a time.

In my spare time I coach youth baseball. Many times, “frustrated” parents confront me. They are perplexed. Little Johnny has soccer at the same time he has baseball. “What should they do?”

Hey Parent of the Year, how about stop double booking your kid like they are the bearded lady from the circus, and allow them to ENJOY one activity. Childhood should not be like the decathlon where they try to do every event. How do you think they will react college when they are faced with multiple drug options? Should they try EVERY drug? No pick one and stick with it.

Another parent calls me every week, because Little Jamey has an ailment. This kid has been on the disabled list longer than Josh Hancock. In the last four weeks, Jamey has had a sore throat, an upset tummy, a twisted ankle, and a headache. Hey Parent of the Year, maybe Little Jamey doesn’t want to play baseball.

Still another youth, Little Sybil, shows up every week in a stellar mood. Sybil’s parents explain that Sybil is “tired.” Hey Parent of the Year, I don’t do bed checks on six year olds. Get the kid to bed early. Get them to the game: rested, fed, and dressed. Also if you could have them go to the bathroom before they get into the outfield that would be cool as well.

It’s even got to a point where these kids can’t even focus on a single video game platform. They have to have the XBOX, the Play Station, and the Wii. And the parents wonder why Little Johnny can’t get through his homework without LOSING FOCUS.

Maybe, I came form a simpler time. I played baseball and studied or worked during other seasons, so I could PLAY BASEBALL. Today, I still PLAY BASEBALL.

I didn’t burn out on it like I did at piano lessons. Then again, no baseball coach was cracking my knuckles with a ruler every time I struck out.

So Parents, in summary, let Kids be Kids at their own pace, not yours. Be a parent not a Scheduling Maven.

There are no awards for being able to have your child do boy scouts, swim team, baseball, soccer, and a “play date” all in one day.

The child will enjoy the down time, and so will you.

June 22 - Friday Funny - Ear Flap

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from my cousin Mike.

You've got to love Veterans.... This man, 73, wears a protective flap over his ear while Senator Hillary Clinton addresses the Veterans of Foreign Wars.

June 18 - Pet Peeve Monday - Morning Shower

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY comes with a solution.

As summer break started, I began to get more and more untimely interruptions from my kids. They would always occur during what I considered “My Sanctuary", my morning shower.

I would get questions like:

“Can you get me some breakfast?”

Answer: “No, I’m IN THE SHOWER.”

“Have you seen my bullfrog, webkin?”

Answer: “Nope, It’s not here IN THE SHOWER.”

“What’s the air flight velocity of an unladen swallow?”

Answer: “I’M IN THE SHOWER!!!”

Showers should be a safe haven. Diplomatic immunity. No questions, NO TALKING.

To solve this PET PEEVE, I posted the following sign on my Shower Door.

The sign has taught the younger children the gift of reading. It has restored order to the morning shower.

Since I placed the sign, I have not received one inquiry, one comment, or one interruption from my kids.

My wife would like for me to amend the sign to say Mom OR Dad. She asked me this WHEN I WAS IN THE SHOWER. I can not print my response.

Look for more signs to be placed around the house and community in the near future. I only wish it was this easy. Case in point is one of my first Pet Peeves in April 2006, People that don’t stop at STOP SIGNS.

June 13 - Vacation

I'm taking the week of June 13 off to get the batteries recharged for the Summer. Check back on June 20.

June 10 - Loser of the Week - Environmentalists

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK is the 70’s ENVIRONMENTALISTS.

In the early 1970’s, Environmentalist thought that old tires could be “recycled” as man-made reefs. It was a way to kill two birds with one stone.

The dumping of nearly 2 million tires began in 1972, intended to attract a rich variety of marine life and create alternate dive sites while disposing of tires that were clogging landfills.

It took only days to create what was touted as the world's largest artificial reef made of old tires. It will now be years before the ecological mess it became is cleaned from the ocean floor.

Here’s a question. Why didn’t you do a beta test with say 100 tires instead of 2 MILLION TIRES?

It failed miserably and is killing part of a coral reef, and now divers from the U.S. Army, Navy and Coast Guard are cleaning up the mess.

Weather-permitting, divers will spend the summer months for the next three years bringing up the 700,000 tires while leaving behind the ones that seem to have remained in place -- at least for now.

Officials estimate the project will cost nearly $30 million, if done commercially.

Hurricanes, tropical storms and cold fronts have created wave action that loosened the tires and moved them around, creating "a dead zone" on the reef. So instead of killing two birds with one stone, a better way to put it is they killed two fish with one tire.

So MY LOSER OF THE WEEK, if you were wrong then about tires in the ocean, why should I trust you now on GLOBAL WARMING?

June 8 - Friday Funny

After two long, very painful years, my Verizon cell phone contract expires next week.

This is how I feel about Verizon as well:

June 6 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Political Correctness Police

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY (WATN) is the POLITICAL CORRECTNESS POLICE.

You know who you are. You ran Don Imus out of town. You jump at the chance to play the RACE CARD and forward your own racist agenda.

A baseball executive, Al Campanis, was fired because of “racially insensitive" remarks about blacks in 1987. Per Wikipedia:

“Campanis' infamous remarks took place on the late-night ABC News program Nightline, coinciding with the 40th anniversary of Jackie Robinson's Major League Baseball debut (April 15, 1947). Campanis, who had played alongside Robinson and was known for being close to him, was being interviewed about the subject. Nightline anchorman Ted Koppel asked him why, at the time, there had been few black managers and no black general managers in Major League Baseball. Campanis' reply was that blacks "may not have some of the necessities to be, let's say, a field manager, or, perhaps, a general manager" for these positions.”

Elsewhere in the interview he said that blacks are often poor swimmers "because they don't have the buoyancy."

I’m not sure if blacks lack buoyancy or not. They probably lack the desire for competitive swimming. I can’t recall any black Olympic swimmers from the US or from an African nation.

The reason I want to locate the Political Correctness Police is that earlier this week Gary Sheffield, Detroit Tiger player, said something in the same context as Mr. Campanis. The only difference in their statements is that Sheffield is black.

In the June, 2007 issue of GQ Magazine, Sheffield was quoted saying that there are more Latin baseball players than black players because Latinos are easier to control.

“What I called is that you’re going to see more black faces, but there ain’t no English going to be coming out. ... (It’s about) being able to tell (Latin players) what to do — being able to control them,” he told the magazine. “Where I’m from, you can’t control us.” He went on to elaborate, "They have more to lose than we do. You can send them back across the island. You can’t send us back. We’re already here.”

You look beyond Sheffield’s obvious ignorance, you see truly racist remarks. If a white player or executive would have said the same statement, they would have been learning Japanese at this point. Because they would have only been able to be part of baseball in another country.

Sheffield should know that less and less blacks are playing baseball at the Little League level, the high school level, and the college level. These are all feeder players that may eventually play Major League baseball. Less input means less output.

Sheffield is an equal opportunity offender. When he played with the Dodgers, Sheffield was quoted about teammate Shawn Green missing a game with the Dodgers because of Yom Kippur during a crucial pennant stretch: "Religion is an important thing as long as you worship the right God."

So Mr. Jackson and Mr. Al Sharpton must be vacation this week and unable to get emails or voice mails. Clearly they would want to be the first to demand justice for Mr. Sheffield’s racist remarks.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

June 4 - Pet Peeve Monday - Mexico City Morons

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is sorta about Immigration again. It’s about last week’s Miss Universe Pageant.

The competition was held in Mexico City. When Miss USA was introduced, the native audience boo-ed her unmercifully. Now, I’m not sure if Miss USA is bi-lingual, I’m not even sure if she is monolingual, but I’m sure she understood the Spanish speaking “Boo.”

I’m wondering why they would Boo a defenseless, strapless, clueless American.

Was it?

A. Because the US has decided to tighten the borders with a 700 mile fence, and they are on the wrong side?

B. Because the Mexican Audience members were naturally unhappy that the Guatemalans and Nicaraguans were sneaking into their country to do the jobs that they wouldn’t do?

C. Because we Ugly Americans had cancelled the George Lopez Show?

I’m not sure of why and frankly I don’t care.

My PET PEEVE is that even the most insignificant of things (i.e. Miss Universe Pageant) has become a reason to exhibit Anti-American rants.

Here is my solution. You don’t like the US, you don’t get to watch our TV programs.

Hey France, no more Jerry Lewis.
Yo Germany, no more David Hassselhoff.
Attention you there in Poland, the brightness key on the remote doesn’t mean what you think it does.

I’m also PEEVED that MEXICANS continue to protest OUR Immigration policies.

HEY, THEY’RE OUR POLICIES FOR OUR COUNTRY.

My House, My Rules.

If you don’t like it, leave, or better yet, don’t come at all.

June 2 - Loser Of The Week - Not A Rosie Picture

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK is NOT Rosie O’Donnell.

Why not, you ask? Rosie deserves it.

Here is a brief history of Rosie’s latest transgressions.

On “The View”, O'Donnell and Liz Hasselbeck got into a verbal fight two weeks ago. O'Donnell commented on the number of Iraqi deaths and insinuated U.S. troops were the real terrorists in Iraq. Rosie fell flat when Hasselbeck FINALLY stood up for herself. Gotta love Liz’s pregnancy hormones.

O'Donnell was absent from "The View" for the rest of that week. In a statement to ABCNews.com Thursday, Barbara Walters, the show's creator and co-executive producer, said O'Donnell was off to celebrate her partner's (Kelli Carpenter) birthday and there would be "peace in the kingdom" of "The View."

But by Friday afternoon, ABC announced O'Donnell's stint on the talk show was done.

Rosie also had said, “You know, this President invaded a sovereign nation in defiance of the UN. He is basically a war criminal. Honestly. He should be tried at The Hague.”

In yet another provocative claim, O'Donnell stated that the Iranian seizure of British sailors was a hoax to provide President Bush with an excuse to go to war with Tehran.

O'Donnell had previously implied the World Trade Center was brought down deliberately on Sept. 11, 2001, for the purpose of eliminating records of government investigations into corporate fraud.

O'Donnell also defended 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. During the March 15 broadcast of "The View," she suggested the U.S. government elicited a false confession from Mohammed by using torture; robbing him of his humanity and treating him like an animal.

So given all of this, how can Rosie NOT be the LOSER OF THE WEEK?

Easy, the LOSER OF THE WEEK is her partner, Kelli Carpenter. She must be extremely weak. She apparently can’t escape the spell of Ms. O’Donnell. And people thought that Katie Holmes needed an Intervention to escape the binds of Tom Cruise.

Here would be a better partner for Rosie, Boy George.

June 1 - Friday Funny - Global Warming

I didn't buy into Al Snore's An Inconvenient Truth until I saw the below photo. Maybe Global Warming is happening after all.

Special thanks to Jim L. for his contribution. I'm sorry I couldn't post the other more inappropriate submissions.