November 28, 2008 - Friday Funny - Company Reorg

This was sent to me as an actual work email. It is this week's Friday Funny.

Subject: Layoffs

Fellow Business Associates:

As the CFO of a business that employees 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8%, but since we cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead.

This has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who I will have to let go.

So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

These folks wanted change...

Sincerely,

(name withheld by request)

CFO

November 27, 2008 - Happy Thanksgiving Thoughts

I compiled and condensed this Thanksgiving blog from the input of several Jabberwockers.

The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe.

It must be true given the source, right? I mean the media would never mislead us. (Sarcasm font)

The Newsweek poll alleges that 82 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed.

What are we so unhappy about?

Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?

Could it be that 94 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?

Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in years?

Could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide assistance to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital?

You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family, and your belongings.

How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?

This unhappiness exists in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents.

No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk shows? Did this news affect you so much, make you so miserable, that you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The President who has a 23% approval rating?

Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping the spoiled unappreciative populous safe from terrorist attacks?

Our President is the Commander in Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me.

Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day?

Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your birdcage. Then start being thankful for all we have as country. There is exponentially more good than bad.

We are among the most blessed people on Earth.

We should be thankful every day of the year and not just on Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving and pass me the gravy.

November 24, 2008 - PPM - e(dis)Harmony Lawsuit

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is about the recent eHarmony lawsuit.

A California lawyer filed suit against eHarmony on behalf on a San Francisco lesbian.

She claims discrimination because eHarmony specializes in men meeting women, and has no category for women seeking women.

Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D., who developed eHarmony's matchmaking program, had long rejected the idea of matching same-sex couples -- in part because he said his research was based on heterosexual married couples. His research and business plan was NOT based on gay couples or their dating habits.

The suit will be dropped because eHarmony will now launch a gay dating site.

Why didn’t the litigant just use a site that caters to “same-sex dating?”

Here is MY PEEVE. Since when does litigation decide how a PRIVATE business operates?

In short, eHarmony is not a public utility, like the phone company, which must carry anyone's message. This is a garbage suit that should be thrown out immediately.

I’m not gay bashing here. In fact, I am an ordained clergyman and able to perform Same Sex Unions in the states where these unions are legally recognized.

What I am PEEVED about is how someone can litigate a company into providing a business that they have chosen not to offer.

If this is a new business development process, then:

I should sue McDonald’s so that they bring back the McSteak sandwich again. When I worked there in 1979, it was the best thing going. Maybe there was too much inventory shrinkage causing a monetary loss on the product line. It was a GREAT sandwich.

I should sue Ebony magazine for not having more European-American articles.

I should sue Sony for not offering a 43-inch HDTV that fits into my entertainment unit.

I should sue Vegetarian restaurants for not offering me a “meat-based” option.

I wouldn’t be surprised if eHarmony was now forced to offer “little people” options, “foot inclination” preferences, and “multiple personalities” choices. Although I’m not sure how you price someone with 16 personalities like Sybil.

What is ironic is that eHarmony will probably laugh all the way to the bank.

They will be able to utilize their economies of scale in developing the gay dating sites. They only have to make a few small computer code changes.

Their purported “homophobic” pockets will now be lined will the coin of people they supposedly despise and discriminate against. Nice move.

I’m PEEVED that PRIVATE Companies should not be litigated into offering business services or products counter to their stated business objectives.

November 21, 2008 - Friday Funny - I want to be like Mommy

Always check your children's homework.

Mommy actually sells shovels at Home Depot.

Get your minds out of the gutter, PEOPLE!!!

November 17, 2008 - PPM - Capitalism Killers

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is the DEATH OF CAPITALISM.

Capitalism is defined as an economic system in which investment in and ownership of the means of production, distribution, and exchange of wealth is made and maintained chiefly by private individuals or corporations.

Nowhere in the definition do I see the words, “government intervention” or "bail-out”.

Our country was founded on ideals of capitalism. It has survived civil wars, world wars, urban strife, terrorism, and the avalanche of TV reality shows, but somehow cyclical stock market corrections have made the US Government put capitalism on the endangered species list.

When any government steps into to take over a company or industry they NATIONALIZE it.

The US Treasury did not step in when the technology and telecom bubbles burst earlier this decade. When Enron, WorldCom, and companies of their ilk went down, the CEOs went to jail. The senior management of failed organizations paid the price for their incompetence and illegal activities. Today, irresponsible CEOs are rewarded with golden parachutes or infusions of government funds.

Why bail out one industry or company, yet leave others to fail? If we bailout Wallstreet then why not Main Street in Wilmington, OH? Either way, thousands of workers could lose jobs, benefits, pensions, and value to their 401K plans.

It’s like our capitalist government has become the Bailout Nationalizer (Soup Nazi from Seinfeld), NO BAILOUT FOR YOU!!!

(BTW – with apologies to Karl Marx and Benito Mussolini purists, I know I may have mixed metaphors between socialism and socialism.)

The brain (dis)trust in Washington has decided to bail out one large insurer and certain banks and brokers. Now they are looking at US car manufacturers. Why?

Detroit’s big three losses can be attributed to years of poor marketing, a lack of innovation, labor union excesses, and visionless management.

Teddy Roosevelt did not bail out the buggy whip industry when the automobile was introduced in the early 1900’s. Gas Guzzling SUVs have gone the way of the typewriter, carbon paper, and zeppelins. It’s just someone forgot to tell Detroit.

The American Auto Makers should go into bankruptcy protection and reorganize. They can rid themselves of dreadful management, costly labor agreements, and unproductive infrastructure. A bailout only puts a band-aid where they should amputate.

These onerous bailout actions will forever change our way of government and cause irreparable harm for generations to come.

The 535 representatives in Washington should take a civics course before they KILL CAPITALISM.

November 14, 2008 - Friday Funny - Chinese to Go

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is the below note:

A similar thing happened to me while living in Northern California in 1992. I was working in San Francisco. One day I returned to the parking garage and found a dent and a nice note on my windshield. The only problem was that the note was in Chinese.

The big difference was I WAS LEGALLY PARKED IN ONE SPACE.

I went to everywhere to get the note translated: Chinese restaurants, Chinese laundries, Chinatown. All I was able to get deciphered was a phone number. I called the number, more Chinese that needed translated.

I finally gave up and put the note in my glove box. I was going to put it on another car should I every have a parking lot accident. It was going to be my way of playing California’s perverted “Pay It Forward” game. No luck, I was just too considerate and careful.

Any way, I can now laugh about it, in many languages, just not in Chinese.

Here is a picture of me and my car circa 1992.

I still have the licence plate (and shorts), but not the car.

November 10, 2008 - PPM - Hypocrisy Unplugged

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is about Hypocrisy. This double standard was all decked out and sitting in the front row this past week. The hypocrisy that I am referring to came from the people that stated, “We need to rally behind Barack Obama, because he is OUR President.”

Excuse me, but weren’t you denigrating George Bush (and the Office of the President) less than 24 hours before?

Earlier this year, 12,000 Californians signed a petition to rename a sewage plant after George Bush.

No matter what happened, George Bush was blamed. I blogged about how if George Bush walked on water, the New York Times would run an op-ed about how Bush couldn’t swim.

Oliver Stone released a George Bush biopic last month titled, “W”. Imagine if a Bill Clinton movie had been produced while he was still in office. It could have been called, “Commander in Heat.” Someone once had to explain to Clinton that harass is not 2 words.

Although released less than a month ago, “W” is not even in the top ten films. The movie has failed to cover its production and distribution costs. It will be retitled as "L" prior to its release on DVD.

Now, I’m not going to tell you that Bush was the best President ever. His approval ratings were around 30%. This was still 3 times higher than Congress’ 9% rating. Harry Truman exited office with a 24% evaluation. How is he remembered, quoted, and channeled today?

One of the partisan rhetoric claims was about the “failed policies of the last 8 years.” Here’s the problem with the Bush Bashers’ argument. Elections are HELD EVERY FOUR YEARS, (not every eight.)

If there was a problem with the policies, how come John Kerry wasn’t elected in 2004? A more accurate Democratic claim should have been “the failed policies of the last 4 years and our inability to deliver a coherent rebuttal and electable solution.”

Thank goodness for the combination of Hope and Change delivered with uncommon oratory elegance this past election cycle. Sounds like the marketing for “New Coke.” How did that work out?

The Democrats blamed Bush for everything, from Global Warming to the Credit Crunch, to the Natalie Holloway disappearance.

It was under Clinton’s watch the 100% mortgage loans were instituted. This led to the housing bubble bust when foreclosures skyrocketed. Everyone should watch this video. It illustrates how the Democratic Congress ignored calls for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac reform. How can that be blamed on Bush?

Bush’s critics made fun of his sentence syntax and his inability to swallow pretzels without chewing. I don’t know about you but I thank President Bush every day since 9/11 for doing everything he could to keep us safe.

It would have been interesting to see how this past election would have turned out if the financial markets had not melted down in September.

Do you think the Democrats would have been as quick to call for solidarity behind McCain, had he won?

The HYPOCRISY of their actions is only outweighed by the ABSURDITY of their pretense that “we should all respect and get behind OUR President for the good of the country.”

I’ve always been more open-minded and understanding than most. (sarcasm font)

Obama will be MY President. I will ACCEPT him but reserve my constitutional right to criticize him without the vitriol comments, unlike the Sore Losers, from the last eight years.

As for you hypocrites, return my lawn sign and then we will talk about respect.

November 7. 2008 - Friday Funny - New Golf Rules

The USGA would like to inform ALL golfers of the following RULE CHANGES:

Golfers with handicaps:

- below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%

- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees

- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played

The term “gimme putt” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:

-handicaps below 10, no entitlements

-handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts

-handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.

These new Rules are NOT intended to CHANGE the game of golf. It is only to make Golf more fair to all regardless of ability. Because in the end, aren’t we all winners.

November 5, 2008 - Election Epilogue

In advance of this election season, I read two books about Barack Obama.

The first book, authored by Obama, and was titled, “The Audacity of Hope.” A great title, but a thinly veiled policy tome. Almost a work of fiction

The second book, “Obama Nation,” was penned by Jerome Corsi. It became a source of talking points used by Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. It would have been easily dismissed except, Obama never held a press conference to address any of the allegations within the book. Many of the book’s facts were validated by the press, but were never fully investigated.

My epilogue of the election is as follows.

What we saw was a great “Campaign.” It had slick marketing, catchy tag lines (Yes We Can!!!), and pseudo Presidential seals. They eliminated anyone playing the race card by dealing it themselves.

The mainstream media endorsed the Obama run and that advantage could not be overcome.

Last night, people were trying to invoke a popular Martin Luther King, Jr. quote to explain Obama’s election.

It came from MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech from August 1963:

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

The REALISTIC issue is that Obama WAS elected because of the color of his skin and NOT by his character. How can you explain that 95% of African Americans supported Obama?

If 95% of the whites had voted for McCain, Obama would have lost. All of the McCain supporters would have been labeled Racists. The riots that would have resulted would have made the Rodney King outbursts look like a Birthday Party at Chucky Cheese.

The numbers validate the thesis that Obama was JUDGED by the color of his skin by at least one voting faction.

I believe Obama did not win because of his ideas but because:

- He had a better campaign organization

- He was able to register MANY people that have never voted before. Even Oprah endorsed their active recruitment of crack heads. (see video)

- He was able to exploit early voting laws and possibly introduce voter fraud in order to further his candidacy.

- He successfully (but incorrectly) linked John McCain to George W. Bush. I’ll blog about the misrepresentation of Bush’s record in a separate blog.

In retrospect, it is amazing how close McCain made the race given the playing field.

I'm only highlighting the irony with the parallels being drawn between MLK and Obama. I'm not a RACIST but a REALIST.

Sometimes the “EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES.”

November 3, 2008 - PPM - Who Stole My Sign?

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is again focused on the election. I’m EXTREMELY PEEVED that someone decided to STEAL the McCain sign I had placed in my front yard.

My McCain sign had been able to survive the long, hot, dog days of August. I had my sign up before McCain selected Sarah Palin on August 29 (see blog.)

Here is a picture of my daughter and THE sign on her first day of school.

My McCain sign had been able to survive the horrific 70 mph winds of September 14. These winds cancelled school for two days and knocked out power to some residents in the area for 7 days. Yet, my sign survived. Below is a picture of the tree limb damage and my resilient McCain sign.

Unfortunately, my McCain sign could NOT survive the little minds of a few Obama supporters. During the dark of night, they stole my sign, while also turning over a few Halloween decorations.

The next day we had a small dinner party. I engaged my guests to help me erect the below sign.

I was thinking about referencing the Second Amendment on my sign, but that would epitomize “The Audacity of BS.” I have previously stated my rejection of the current intention of the Founding Fathers in drafting the “Right to Bear Arms.”

Ironically, I severely slashed my thumb when installing the tiki torches that were to surround and protect my NEW sign.

While bleeding profusely from my lacerated appendage, I immediately remarked, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Not one of my guests seemed to get the historical reference.

It is one of my favorite Thomas Jefferson quotes. It’s much better than the “I did not have relations with that woman, Sally Hemings.”

My original thought when I learned of the sign theft was that an ardent McCain supporter just wanted a McCain sign for their yard. My optimism was dashed when I learned other McCain signs in the neighborhood were also snatched.

My PEEVE is how sad of a statement is it that YOUR candidate cannot win the war of ideas, that YOU have to resolve to guerrilla tactics and take my property.

Were you just trying to illustrate the Obama policy of “Sign Redistribution?”

Does the Obama Supporter think that by stealing my sign, I’m going to get to the election booth on Tuesday and suddenly forget to whom I pledged my support?

Dah, no Double Dah!!!

You’ve done nothing but INSPIRE me to vote at least twice. That’s what Obama would want or more exactly, WWOD, What Would Obama Do?

October 31, 2008 - Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween

You've Been Mooned !!!