October 29 - Pet Peeve Monday- Children Fund Raisers

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is CHILDREN’S FUND RAISERS.

Why is it that every activity that my child engages in requires a Fund Raiser? I pay a participation fee. Why not increase this fee?

This past month, I had to prostitute my kids as follows:

Popcorn for Cub Scouts
Cookies for Girl Scouts
Cookie dough for Pre-School

Throw in a PTA walk a-thon and school pictures and I’m tapped out.

I have fundraiser apathy and lethargy. If school fundraisers were a religion, I would be an Atheist. Why is it non-stop? How often can you ask friends, neighbors, relatives, or strangers for money?

Someone is making a lot of money off of the backs of our children, and it is not the school organizations. It’s the popcorn and cookie manufacturers and the photographers.

The picture taker’s technology and material costs have gone down, yet they bundle the pictures so that the cheapest package is $24.95. Their mark-ups are obscene and their products are poor.

Shame on the schools for using our kids as money mules and cash cows.

October 26 - Friday Funny - Halloween Hurling

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY continues on my Halloween theme.

Remember to Trick or Treat Responsibly.

October 22 - Pet Peeve Monday - Pre-Packaged Halloween Costumes

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is PRE-PACKAGED HALLOWEEN COSTUMES.

This is where one of those “Well, when I was a kid we …” kind of stories is accurate and appropriate.

When I was a kid we made our own costumes. We scoured the house, the shed, and yes, the roadside to find the materials to make our unique outfits. We were ghosts with old bed sheets. We became mummies wrapped in toilet paper. We were the Michelin man with old, discarded tires.

If you had enough aluminum foil, you were the tin man from Wizard of Oz. There was a neighbor boy that liked to dress as a girl. It turns out it was an eerie indicator of things to come, but that is another story.

One Halloween I went as a bum. My late Uncle Jake gave me the inspiration. He also provided the wine cork that we heated. It was used to blacken my face for a five–o’clock shadow.

Nowadays everyone has store bought outfits. There are pre-packaged superheroes, witches, and princesses. And they are all priced mysteriously at $29.99. The profit margins are obscene because these stores only generate traffic a few weeks a year.

Also as a youth attending Catholic School, we dressed up as our favorite Saint on November 1st. It’s known as “All Saint’s Day.” Try finding a John the Baptist costume at one of these stores. The only Biblical figures represented today would be Sodom and Gomorrah or Mary Magdalene, the early years.

Even as an adult, two of my favorite Halloweens were when we made costumes.

In 1985, we were the America’s Cup. Our boat had a crew of six, compete with Aft and Bow coolers.

In 1986, we ventured into marketing and became of a six-pack of Lowenbrau.

Both costumes won local awards, including cash, accolades, a used car, and possibly some other gratification.

I could give more examples of Halloweens’ past, but I need to get to the store before the Venom Spiderman and Princess Sophia costumes are all gone.

October 19 - Friday Funny - Jesus Luvs the Bucks

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is an add-on from July 14, 2006. It concerns JEEEBUS.

JEEEBUS is the torso-up sculpture of Jesus that has a 42-foot span between upraised hands, and a 40-foot cross at the base. It's made of plastic foam and fiberglass over a steel frame, and it is lit by spotlights at night. From the waist down, he's underground. This Jesus is the largest in the U.S.

On my trip past Jeeebus one day, I observed three cars stopped at the height of rush hour to take that “one of a kind” picture. I tooted my horn as a warning of pending doom only to see an unbelievable response. The “father figure” flipped me the bird. I guess he was saying that Jesus is #1 in his book with his single finger salute.

However I give more latitude to Ohio State Fans. Go Bucks.

October 15- Pet Peeve Monday - Accelerated Primary Schedule

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) concerns the Presidential Primaries.

I was going to hold off on this PEEVE until later in the year, but MY PEEVE was accelerated much like the ACCELERATED PRIMARY SCHEDULE.

It is stupefying how the individual states are jockeying for importance by moving their primary or caucus dates earlier and earlier.

It is a sad statement that we will probably know who the two main candidates are after only three state contests: Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina.

These three states account for only 2.9% of the general population and are not geographically representative of the growth areas of this country (South, Southwest, and West).

There is no way to regulate when someone begins campaigning for an office. One could argue that Bill Clinton started his “Road to the White House” when he chose his political (not marital) running mate in college.

It would be extremely interesting if two mavericks, so called idealistic candidates, would break with party loyalties and run together. A Fred Thompson / Barrack Obama ticket could be attractive to a large cross section of this country. It certainly would be more inclusive or less divisive than a general election campaign of Hillary Clinton against Rudy Giuliani.

Even a Representative Barney Frank (MA) / Senator Larry Craig (ID) is a ticket some people could get behind.

I for one am tired of red state / blue state definitions. How about a friendly shade of purple?

October 12 - Friday Funny - Halloween is coming

October 8 - Pet Peeve Monday - High School Rodeo

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY concerns High School Sports.

When I was in High School we had the standard sports of Baseball, Football, Basketball, Track, and Cross Country. Some “elite” High Schools had swimming. Some remedial schools in my hometown had a Swimming team, yet did not have a pool. Optimistic, but sad.

My PEEVE concerns some of the “new” activities that have been sanctioned as High School Sports.

It started with Soccer in the mid 80’s. This is truly a Communist Sport. This sport gave so many people a false hope. The real PEEVE is how the parents act at their young children’s soccer games. Does anyone think that a “Soccer Mom” is a positive reference?

Then came High School Golf. I don’t know of any Little League Golf Leagues. And you thought swimming was an elite sport.

Next was High School Bowling. Come on, Bowling is NOT a sport. Would you call Bowlers athletes? What is their training routine? Donuts and Big Gulps?

The last straw was when I read that some High Schools in Ohio were sanctioning RODEO as a High School Sport. Rodeo? Really?

I know football has a water boy, basketball has a ball boy, baseball has the bat boy, but what is the rodeo boy called? Cow chipper? Bull boy? Or is he just the Rodeo Clown apprentice? There is a career path for you.

When will this madness stop? Are we on our way to a High School Badminton team?

As we slowly slip into this Spiraling Vortex of Doom, it is only a matter of time before we progress to the High School Halo 4 Traveling Team.

October 5 - Friday Funny - Walmart Greeters

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Hell no, they ain't."The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

October 1 - Pet Peeve Monday - Frivolous Lawsuits

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS. Frivolous might be too soft of a word. STUPID and IGNORANT come to mind as better adjectives.

It was reported in the paper that a New York woman is so angry with Apple for lowing their prices on I-Phones by $200, that she filed a lawsuit seeking $1 Million in damages.

Comment: If I were Apple, I would play the Phone Nazi card on her. “No Phone For You!!!”

A man in Washington DC sued his dry cleaner for $54 Million because he lost his pants.

Comment: The only POSSIBLE justification would be if he had inadvertently left $53,999,975 in the pants by mistake. But then that would have been STUPID and IGNORANT as well. I always carry my money in my jacket.

Then there is the Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers that sued God last week. Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terrorist threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.”

The defendant in a state senator’s lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County (NE), the legislator claims, because God is everywhere.

Chambers was angered by another lawsuit he considers frivolous; Chambers says he’s trying to make the point that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody.

COMMENT: In stead of grabbing headlines, Representative Chambers, how about MAKING A LAW AGAINST FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS?

We need to develop a Court of Common Sense. Why do I know about these 3 NON-ISOLATED cases above? Because they were reported in the mainstream press.

Lawyers should be made to take an oath, like doctors, about doing “No Harm.” They should focus on how to help solve the problem (if there is one), and not try to exacerbate the issue or to grab headlines.

Maybe if Lawyers and Plaintiffs were subjected to some penalty-box consequence for bringing Frivolous Lawsuits.

Maybe they should be banished to the Island of Misfit Toys to work out their perceived problems

I’m sure Gloria Allred could be the mayor. Then again, Ms. Allred might have a case to sue someone for that bad hair and those awful outfits, that look like stewardess' uniforms for the 1950's.