August 27 - Pet Peeve Monday - Fantasy Sports

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is Fantasy Football Players.

You know who you are. You are everywhere. You have taken a GREAT idea that ORIGINATED with America’s true national pastime, BASEBALL, and PROSTITUTED IT.

When I started a Fantasy Baseball league in 1985, we had to calculate the stats using the daily box scores. I kept the entire league’s stats on yellow legal pads. There were no computers, no Internet, and no stat services. Somehow I won the first two years.

Now, you can get online, real-time stats. You can have updates on your player texted directly to your cell phone. With the NFL package, you can watch up to 8 games at once. And that is what you FOOTBALL UBER-GEEKS do.

You no longer watch A football game. You watch YOUR players on EVERY game at once. You root for 5-yard runs instead of 4-yard runs. You hope, no, pray, that your opposing QB suffers a debilitating injury, at least for this week. Nobody roots for their home team any more; it’s all about the individual player. There is no “I” in TEAM. However there is a capital “L” in LOSER.

Fantasy Baseball purists, like myself, watch their favorite team. We don’t channel surf during the game. I even draft most of my hometown players, usually sacrificing valuable fantasy points, because it feels good.

What even PEEVES me more is that because you football knuckleheads have abused the fantasy league idea, other sports felt they could jump on the bandwagon as well. There are Fantasy NASCAR leagues, Fantasy PGA leagues, Fantasy PBA leagues and Fantasy NBA leagues. I’ve even heard there are Fantasy WNBA leagues, but it doesn’t involve basketballs.

I heard that people were depressed when they had to replace WWE wrestler Chris Benoit on their Fantasy Wrestling Roster. Turns out Benoit was more depressed.

Given the recent news around sports and the American justice system, I would like to propose as a new Fantasy league.

The FANTASY FELON LEAGUE.

In my league, you are not limited to professional athletes. You can draft actors, actresses, politicians, etc. The person just has to be a public figure.

* You get points if they get arrested.
* You get more points if they get convicted.
* You, however, lose all points and are assessed a 100% penalty if they get off with a reduced or obscenely light sentence.

You would have a point scale based on the severity of the crime.

- DUI- 100 points
- Battery – 50 points
- Prostitution (Importuning)– 50 points
- Perjury –50 points
- Murder – 1000 points per victim
- Drug trafficking – 500 points
- Dog fighting - 500 points

You would get points in the same manner you pay a contractor: half now, half on completion. So if you are arrested for DUI, you get 50 points for the arrest and 50 points for the conviction.

If they are proven not guilty, you get to keep your original points for the arrest.

But be careful, Penalty Style Points can also be assessed. For example, Hugh Grant would get you 25 points for his attempt to buy sex and 25 points for the conviction. However, you would get set back 100 points because of whom he propositioned, Divine Brown, (pictured at the right, with the appealing lipstick.) I’m sure some of my Fantasy Football Fanatic Friends have her/him listed third on the Detroit WR depth charts.

O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake would have originally appeared as great picks, until the juries came back.

Additionally, Nicole Ritchie spent 82 minutes in jail for her 2 DUI convictions. The penalty did NOT fit the crime. She got less than a minute per pound. (Net effect - negative 200 points)

Some pending players include:

Phil Spector (at right), now standing trial for murder. However beware of Bad Hair Penalty Points.

Michael Vick, guilty plea, sentence coming in December.

Michael Vick should have been born a white girl in LA ( like Nicole Ritchie, not Nicole Simpson.) Although, he probably would have been the 2nd slowest QB in NFL history (behind John Elway.) I bet he wishes he was a cat man now. Everyone loves a Cat-Fight.

Your FANTASY FELON ROSTER must have 5 people. However you may only have one rapper, one Bengal, and one Kennedy on your roster.

A good draft pick would be Barry Bonds. He just looks guilty of something.

You could also draft Mike Tyson. It’s only a matter of time before he goes off his meds again.

Other probable felons include Britney Spears and any of the Baldwin Brothers (at right, Alec, Manny, Moe, and Jack Baldwin.) In the past year, the Baldwins have appeared on more court dockets than on TV.

Politicians are always a possibility for hidden point values.

Politicians drink, they drive, they perjure, they take bribes. And that is usually just the weekend activities. Bill Clinton was truly a Five-Tool Fantasy Felon Player.

However before this week, could anyone have named the Senator from Idaho (Larry Craig)? "I-da-ho?” “No, Senator Craig da ho." I love his defense that he has a naturally wide stance when he sits on the toilet. Yeah, and I always shake hands with the person in the stall next to me. It's just the friendly thing to do.

Anyone, interested in joining my FANTASY FELON LEAGUE should contact me. I will be keeping the scores for the first two years on my yellow legal pad.

Good Luck.

August 26 - Loser of the Week - Roger Ebert

This week’s LOSER OF THE WEEK is Roger Ebert.

Roger Ebert is the egomaniac film critic that has been on and off TV for the last 35 years.

I first became exposed (bad word choice) to Ebert when I watched the Siskel & Ebert at The Movies show as a kid. Ebert is on the far right of their publicity photo.

They were known for their "thumbs up / thumbs down" review summaries. I usually agreed with Gene Siskel and would always go to see the movies that Ebert had panned.

For example, Ebert's negative review of the 1988 Bruce Willis action film Die Hard and his positive review of 1997's Speed 2: Cruise Control were right on (sarcasm warning). LOSER REASON #1

Interestingly, Ebert married trial attorney Chaz Hammelsmith (pictured at left) in 1992. He has a stepdaughter, a stepson, and four step grandchildren. Thanks goodness he hasn’t figured out how to directly procreate. He must have not reviewed "Basic Instinct. "

Ebert has been friends with, and at one time dated, Oprah Winfrey, who credits him with encouraging her to go into syndication. LOSER REASON #2.

A supporter of the Democratic Party, Ebert publicly urged left-wing activist and filmmaker Michael Moore to give a politically-charged acceptance speech at the Academy Awards: "I'd like to see Michael Moore get up there and let 'em have it with both barrels and really let loose and give them a real rabble-rousing speech." LOSER REASON #3.

When Gene Siskel died in 1999, the producers retitled the show "Roger Ebert at the Movies" with rotating co-hosts. However Ebert, being the LOSER type, owns the rights to the thumbs up/ thumbs down expression.

And now, according to the Hollywood Reporter, there is a mini-battle going on about that famous digit. Disney-ABC Domestic Television, who distribute Ebert’s limping movie review show, have stopped using the thumbs up / down while they are in contract negotiations on Ebert’s contract. Ebert has not allowed Disney to use their Thumbs during the negotiations. LOSER REASON #4.

I need to trademark the middle digit salute, because Ebert is #1 in my book. Maybe Ebert should also trademark fat, boorish, men with bad toupees, that sit around and watch movies and eat toxic, greased popcorn all day long as well. That would really be a career killer to some of my old college roommates.

So Mr. Ebert, I give you a DOUBLE THUMBS DOWN. Feel free to sue me if you pull yourself away from the licorice ropes, chocolate raisins, and jujubes.

Mr. Ebert, you are my LOSER OF THE WEEK.

August 24 - Friday Funny - KFC not PC, LOL.

Now that KFC has removed trans fats from their chicken products, it appears they may be going a bit too far with their truth in advertising campaign.

August 22 - Vacation Week 1 Summary

We went on vacation for the two weeks before the start of school.

So here is the promised, Vacation Summary – Week 1:

Week 1 – We went hiking at Hocking Hills for 4 days.

Highlight – No one fell off a cliff and we stayed at a castle.

Lowlight – Heidi bought the only known bottle of wine within the small town of MacArthur, Ohio and got carded. (OK- that is her highlight.)

Week 1 – We saw Tecumseh, the outdoor drama.

Highlight – I was able to connect with my Native American Ancestors

Lowlight - It turns out they were only actors wearing a lot of body make-up.

Week 1 – We participated in the World’s Longest Yard Sale.

Highlight – Bought lots of cool stuff for dirt-cheap prices. Some purchases included:

* Large fork and spoon ($3)
* Winter boots ($1)
* 2 new CD Players in original (warm) unopened box ($10 each)
* Yard Flamingo ($3)
* Combination Chess/ Checkers / Backgammon Set ($3)
* Large smiles on 3 kids (priceless)

Lowlight – I bought a trombone for $20 and am thinking about getting the band back together. (The band was my High School Marching Band from 1977. )

My Week 2 Summary will be posted once Delta decides to return my luggage.

Augsut 20 - Pet Peeve Monday - Not This Week

No PET PEEVE MONDAY this week as it is BACK TO SCHOOL WEEK.

All is well in the world when the kids are going back to school, the leaves are thinking about turning, and college football is on the horizon.

Oh Happy Day!!!

August 17 - Friday Funny - I would like to solve the puzzle

Merv Griffin died this week at the age of 82. I used to watch his talk show in the early 70’s with my Grandma. He was a great interviewer.

However, Merv’s claim to fame may be that he was the creative genius (and the receiver of billions in royalties) behind the Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy game shows.

Given that, I believe, Merv would enjoy this week’s FRIDAY FUNNY.

August 15 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Elvis

Thursday marks the 30-year anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. There are some that still consider this the ANNIVERSARY of Elvis’ DISAPPEARANCE. They think that Elvis has only TEMPORARILY left the building and IS STILL ALIVE.

Given this, Elvis is the obvious subject of this week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY (WATN).

If Elvis was still alive today, he would be 72 years old and would have severe heart disease.

I’ve been a large Elvis fan for years.

I almost named my first child, Elvis, but I was thankfully over-ruled by people that had received more sleep that day.

I’ve toured Graceland twice. I was asked to leave during the second visit when my probing questions about Graceland’s continued depiction of Elvis “natural death” at age 42, ruffled a few feathers.

I performed an Elvis karaoke version of Suspicious Minds to my bride at our 1992 wedding. OK – my choice of songs could have been better. However, Suspicious Minds, recorded in 1969, was Elvis’ 18th and last #1 hit (1969).

I dressed as Elvis at a 1994 Halloween Party (above, left).

I received a life size Elvis cutout from one of my sister’s suitors at Christmas in 1998 (at right).

So where is Elvis?

I believe he is dead. So my answer is somewhere in Memphis, give or take six feet (under).

August 13 - Pet Peeve Monday - Hide and Seek

I'm back from my vacation and am ready to blog. I'll provide a vacation synopsis later in the week.

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is the endless list of people that go missing. It seems like FOX NEWS, CNN, and FOX NEWS have about three people a week that they focus on. Since the Natalie Holloway deal, the networks always have “exclusive” missing people that they emphasize. Fox usually only reports on young, white females. CNN includes minorities and men in their reporting. MSNBC picks up the left over general population.

Don’t get me wrong. If I have a loved one that went missing, I would want them on Fox. Fox News is the #1 cable news network. Sure I would allow CNN and MSNBC to cover the crisis and search as well.

My PEEVE is how the cable news networks try to “out-sensationalize” each other. They stream countless best friends, old boyfriends, associates, and local convenience store’s clerks in front of the cameras. They get these people’s spin on the missing person’s disappearance. The guests usually rely on their own perceived expertise based upon a 10th grade education and their recounting of the last three seasons of CSI-Miami.

I’m also PEEVED on how they select the “CHOSEN MISSING.” Why does one person make the cut, while others does not? Is there an American Idol type committee that says, “Oh that missing person is not tragic enough?”

Years ago, all we had to rely on were MILK CARTONS to identify or highlight missing people. That was a bad idea, because I bet there were a lot of LACTOSE INTOLERANT sleuths out there that never got the message.

My suggestion would be new LOCAL or REGIONAL REALITY CHANNELS dedicated to ALL the missing people in that area. No one gets top billing because they are blonde, white, and female. All missing people can be listing along with key information. You could localize the channel as much as needed.

Again, it is tragic that Natalie Holloway went missing in Aruba or that little girl, Madeleine McCann, who went missing in Portugal. But the chances of either of them mysteriously reappearing in Ohio is remote. I always have said, focus on what you can impact or affect. Global Warming. World Hunger, and the reuniting of NSYNC are not on my radar.

Further, I wouldn’t provide a local michigan channel option. Quite frankly, those people don’t go missing, they just decide to move on and out, and do not wish to be found.

August 6 - The Vacation Continues ...

Last week's vacation of hiking was so fulfilling and peaceful, I've decided to take this week and fly cross country with three small children.

I'll be back next week, unless Delta loses my luggage or one of the family.

Here is a picture from the hike-fest.