August 27 - Pet Peeve Monday - Fantasy Sports

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is Fantasy Football Players.

You know who you are. You are everywhere. You have taken a GREAT idea that ORIGINATED with America’s true national pastime, BASEBALL, and PROSTITUTED IT.

When I started a Fantasy Baseball league in 1985, we had to calculate the stats using the daily box scores. I kept the entire league’s stats on yellow legal pads. There were no computers, no Internet, and no stat services. Somehow I won the first two years.

Now, you can get online, real-time stats. You can have updates on your player texted directly to your cell phone. With the NFL package, you can watch up to 8 games at once. And that is what you FOOTBALL UBER-GEEKS do.

You no longer watch A football game. You watch YOUR players on EVERY game at once. You root for 5-yard runs instead of 4-yard runs. You hope, no, pray, that your opposing QB suffers a debilitating injury, at least for this week. Nobody roots for their home team any more; it’s all about the individual player. There is no “I” in TEAM. However there is a capital “L” in LOSER.

Fantasy Baseball purists, like myself, watch their favorite team. We don’t channel surf during the game. I even draft most of my hometown players, usually sacrificing valuable fantasy points, because it feels good.

What even PEEVES me more is that because you football knuckleheads have abused the fantasy league idea, other sports felt they could jump on the bandwagon as well. There are Fantasy NASCAR leagues, Fantasy PGA leagues, Fantasy PBA leagues and Fantasy NBA leagues. I’ve even heard there are Fantasy WNBA leagues, but it doesn’t involve basketballs.

I heard that people were depressed when they had to replace WWE wrestler Chris Benoit on their Fantasy Wrestling Roster. Turns out Benoit was more depressed.

Given the recent news around sports and the American justice system, I would like to propose as a new Fantasy league.

The FANTASY FELON LEAGUE.

In my league, you are not limited to professional athletes. You can draft actors, actresses, politicians, etc. The person just has to be a public figure.

* You get points if they get arrested.
* You get more points if they get convicted.
* You, however, lose all points and are assessed a 100% penalty if they get off with a reduced or obscenely light sentence.

You would have a point scale based on the severity of the crime.

- DUI- 100 points
- Battery – 50 points
- Prostitution (Importuning)– 50 points
- Perjury –50 points
- Murder – 1000 points per victim
- Drug trafficking – 500 points
- Dog fighting - 500 points

You would get points in the same manner you pay a contractor: half now, half on completion. So if you are arrested for DUI, you get 50 points for the arrest and 50 points for the conviction.

If they are proven not guilty, you get to keep your original points for the arrest.

But be careful, Penalty Style Points can also be assessed. For example, Hugh Grant would get you 25 points for his attempt to buy sex and 25 points for the conviction. However, you would get set back 100 points because of whom he propositioned, Divine Brown, (pictured at the right, with the appealing lipstick.) I’m sure some of my Fantasy Football Fanatic Friends have her/him listed third on the Detroit WR depth charts.

O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake would have originally appeared as great picks, until the juries came back.

Additionally, Nicole Ritchie spent 82 minutes in jail for her 2 DUI convictions. The penalty did NOT fit the crime. She got less than a minute per pound. (Net effect - negative 200 points)

Some pending players include:

Phil Spector (at right), now standing trial for murder. However beware of Bad Hair Penalty Points.

Michael Vick, guilty plea, sentence coming in December.

Michael Vick should have been born a white girl in LA ( like Nicole Ritchie, not Nicole Simpson.) Although, he probably would have been the 2nd slowest QB in NFL history (behind John Elway.) I bet he wishes he was a cat man now. Everyone loves a Cat-Fight.

Your FANTASY FELON ROSTER must have 5 people. However you may only have one rapper, one Bengal, and one Kennedy on your roster.

A good draft pick would be Barry Bonds. He just looks guilty of something.

You could also draft Mike Tyson. It’s only a matter of time before he goes off his meds again.

Other probable felons include Britney Spears and any of the Baldwin Brothers (at right, Alec, Manny, Moe, and Jack Baldwin.) In the past year, the Baldwins have appeared on more court dockets than on TV.

Politicians are always a possibility for hidden point values.

Politicians drink, they drive, they perjure, they take bribes. And that is usually just the weekend activities. Bill Clinton was truly a Five-Tool Fantasy Felon Player.

However before this week, could anyone have named the Senator from Idaho (Larry Craig)? "I-da-ho?” “No, Senator Craig da ho." I love his defense that he has a naturally wide stance when he sits on the toilet. Yeah, and I always shake hands with the person in the stall next to me. It's just the friendly thing to do.

Anyone, interested in joining my FANTASY FELON LEAGUE should contact me. I will be keeping the scores for the first two years on my yellow legal pad.

Good Luck.