September 29 - Friday Funny - Sick Golfer

As we head into the final weeks of golf season, I thought I would provide a golf joke favorite as my FRIDAY FUNNY.

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about is wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?

September 27 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Biosphere 2

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is Biosphere 2.
Yesterday marked the anniversary of it’s opening and closing. The project conducted it’s initial sealed mission from September 26, 1991 to September 26, 1993.

Biosphere 2 is a structure built near Tuscon Arizona. It was to be an artificially closed ecological system. It was used to test if and how people could live and work in a closed biosphere, while carrying out scientific experiments. It explored the possible use of closed biospheres in space colonization, and also allowed the study and manipulation of a biosphere without harming Earth's.

The name comes from the idea that it is modeled on the first biosphere, which is Earth.

The funding for the $200,000,000 project came from Edward Bass.

The inaugural crew of eight included a medical doctor, researchers and scientists: Roy Walford, Jane Poynter, Taber McCullum, Mark Nelson, Sally Silverstone, Abigail Alling, Mark Van Thillo and Linda Leigh. Jane and Taber married a year after exiting Biosphere 2. It’s only a rumor that she gave birth to a “bubble boy.”

The original vision of the Biosphere called for sealing it up for 100 years, with two-year tours of duty for teams of bionauts (or bio-nuts if you prefer). But you know what they say about people in glass houses, they have faded furniture.

In January 1992, while at a company meeting in Phoenix, I drove the 250 mile round-trip journey to visit Biosphere 2. As you toured the facility you could watch the scientists work within the glass enclosure. It was like a surreal people zoo. As I ate my Slim Jim and Doritos, a sense of guilt came over me. These people could only eat what they grew. The guilt was actually caffeine withdrawal. It quickly subsided as I drank my Dr. Pepper.

During their stay in Biosphere 2, the crew found that they could not grow as much food as anticipated. Eventually it was learned that someone had sneaked in Burger King food.

Honestly, if you’re going to break a two-year fast food abstinence, would you select Burger King?

The Biosphere's headlines got more and more interesting. It was revealed that the bionauts had snuck an oxygen-generating machine into the sealed environment after they realized that the atmosphere wasn't going to be life sustaining after all.

But the most exciting part came after a change in management motivated a pair of the original bionauts to break a window in the Biosphere, ruining the whole sealed-for-a-century plan.

A second Biosphere experiment lasted only six months.

So WHAT IS THE STATE OF BIOSPHERE 2?

As of June 2006, the structure is no longer maintained in an airtight state, and the property is slated to be redeveloped for a planned community. Fairfield Homes is making a deal to buy the Biosphere's spectacular 1,600 acres to develop a master-planned community. Evidently, a three-acre simulation of the planet isn't a selling point for buyers of luxury homes these days.

For those of you keeping score at home : McMansions 1, Biosphere 0

September 25 - Pet Peeve Monday - History Unplugged

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is based upon former president Bill Clinton’s recent interview on Fox News last Sunday.

Chris Wallace interviewed Clinton. Clinton took extreme exception to Wallace’s line of questioning. Clinton flailed, got red in the face, and at one point looked like he was ready to lunge out of his chair at Wallace. He did every thing but wag his famous finger. He even got personal at one point and I quote, “And you've got that little smirk on your face and you think you're so clever.”

This type of language really isn’t appropriate for an ex-president unless it’s the President of the Tony Soprano Fan Club.

What set Clinton off was an innocent question about Clinton’s inability to get Osama bin Laden after eight years of trying. If Clinton wanted “softball” questions, he should have appeared on CNN (or as it was know in the 90’s – The Clinton News Network.)

Wallace wasn’t smirking. He was probably just having a private laugh at some random stain he saw on Clinton’s suit or tie.

My PET PEEVE is not Bill Clinton, the person, the lothario. It is his transparent attempt at REVISIONIST HISTORY. Clinton stated that he did more to get Osama bin Laden than the facts indicate.

Historical revisionism describes the process that attempts to rewrite history by minimizing, denying or simply ignoring essential facts. It is illegal in some countries such as Switzerland, Austria, and Germany when it concerns Holocaust Denial.

Clinton claims that he did everything he could and more than Bush ever did to try to get Osama bin Laden.

Clinton claims that the “Path to 9/11” movie played fast and loose with the facts. Slick Willie forgets that with the Internet, anything he says can be Googled and checked as well. He should know about the Internet, his buddy Al Gore invented it. (Sarcasm should be noted.)

Now I could bombard you with facts and cross-references, but I won’t. Clinton’s mis-statements on Sunday were numerous and well documented.

In 1993, 18 Marines died at the hands of the Somalian warlords. This was chronicled in the movie, Black Hawk Down. After that event, Clinton cut and ran and removed the troops. The same strategy is now promoted by every 2006 election year Democrat concerning Iraq.

In the book, The Looming Tower,” it talks about how this motivated bin Laden. Osama said, "I have seen the frailty and the weakness and the cowardice of U.S. troops."

Other Al-Qaeda attacks occurred under Clinton’s watch:

* First New York World Trade Center attack (1993)
* Dhahran, Saudi Arabia Khobar Towers Military complex (1996)
* Nairobi, Kenya US Embassy (1998)
* Dares Salaam, Tanzania US Embassy (1998)
* Aden, Yemen USS Cole (2000)

None were met with an effective response from Clinton. Clinton had eight years, Bush had eight months to get bin Laden. But Clinton doesn’t want to focus on this. He wants you to forget it, as he wants to be a Revisionist Historian. He wants to use political rhetoric to cloud history.

However, the Clintons are no strangers to Revisionist History. Hillary once offered that she was named after the famed mountain climber, Sir Edmund Hillary. Problem was, she was born six years BEFORE he scaled Mount Everest.

To be fair, I wasn’t unhappy with some domestic results from the Clinton Presidency. The Welfare Reform Act got millions off of the welfare rolls and was great legislation. The Republican Congress passed it and Clinton signed it into law.

What does PEEVE me is when people only want you to believe their version of history. Anything counter is a “VAST RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY.”

That term was first offered by Hillary Clinton on the Today Show in 1998. She made the statement during an interview on NBC's "Today" show, where she was asked to comment on accusations about her husband’s possible indiscretions with an intern, Monica Lewinsky. Hillary tried to revise history as it was occurring.

How did that turn out for the married (in name only) Clintons?

Oops, sorry, I think I just smirked.

September 24 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - Penn State Recap

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance.

I went to Columbus for the week-end to take in all pre and post game activities.

In the game, OSU beat Penn State 28-6 to maintain it’s #1 ranking and improve their record to 4-0.


THE GOOD

• Scoring Defense – OSU held Penn State to 6 points. It should have been three points except for a horrible call at the end of the half. The scoring defense is only giving up 8 points per game through the first 4 games.

• James Laurenitis – He has put up great numbers in every game. He had 10 tackles and his third interception of the year against Penn State.

• The Secondary – Two late interceptions were returned for TDs to seal the victory.

• The Fans – 105,000 fans responded to Tressel’s request for everyone to wear red. I haven’t seen this much red on my TV screen since my picture tube blew.

• My Benevolence – I gave my two game tickets to my brother and nephew. I watched the game on the hotel TV. During halftime, I was able to coordinate a Love Connection between an Iraq War veteran (Scott) and an OSU co-ed. Scott is about to be redeployed to Tikrit. Scott and co-ed are pictured below.

THE BAD

• Troy Smith – He had two interceptions and only 155 passing yards.

• Slow starts – OSU played like a John Cooper led team for the first half. This happened last week as well.

THE UGLY

• Penalties – OSU continues to be out-penalized more than their opponents.

My WTF moment came in the first half. Joe Paterno, Penn State’s head coach made a beeline for the locker room with the game in progress. He was wearing black pants. Joe returned later in the second half wearing tan pants that were two sizes two big. (See time stamped pictures below.) The ABC announcer, Brad Nessler, would later comment, “Joe Paterno had the longest run today.” Come on Brad, WTF, the man is 79 years old. When you got to go, you got to go.

This week, Ohio State travels to Iowa for their third top 25 showdown in the month of September.

The early line has Ohio State favored by 7 points. Should OSU prevail, the path to a November 18 blockbuster with &ichigan has been cleared of a major hurdle.

GO BUCKS.

September 20 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Toni Woods

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is Toni Woods. Who is Toni Woods, you say?

The quick answer is she is NO Debra LaFave.

Debra LaFave is the Florida middle-school teacher that had sex with a 14-year-old boy. She appeared on the following NBC shows last week: NBC Nightly News, The Today Show and Dateline. Her interview with Matt Lauer was also featured on MSNBC, the AAA minor league team for NBC.

For her sins, Debra received three years of home confinement.

So where is Toni Woods?

The thirty-eight-year-old Toni Woods, a former 6th grade teacher in Braxton County, WV, received 4 to 20 years in prison for having sex with boys under the age of 16.

I’m sure certain nuances of the case produced different sentences. I’m sure these same nuances caused NBC to cover the LaFave story and ignore the Woods story.

When I was in Catholic High School over 25 years ago, the best looking female teacher was Sister Marie Tress (on the left). It was because of her charm and (inner) beauty that I got the only non-A of my High School career. I just couldn’t concentrate when she was discussing human reproduction. I guess a little flirtation wouldn’t have killed me.

I guess I just didn’t grasp the concept like the students of Ms. LaFave and Ms. Woods.

September 18 - Pet Peeve Monday - Geneva Convention

After a three-week hiatus, I’m proud and relieved to return to my weekly, PET PEEVE MONDAY. I had taken the last two Mondays off due to Labor Day and September 11th.

With much in the news, I thought I would tackle the recent up roar over President Bush’s desire to update Article 3 of the Geneva Convention concerning Prisoner of War interrogations.

First, get your History Hats on, as I provide some Geneva Convention background.

The First Geneva Convention was known as the Convention for the Amelioration of the Condition of the Wounded in Armies in the Field. It was held in 1864 and was resposible in part for the International Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement.

The Second Geneva Convention of 1906 dealt with the treatment of casualties in war at sea.

The Third Geneva Convention of 1929 concerned the treatment of prisoners of war.

The Fourth Geneva Convention of 1949 outlined the treatment of civilians during wartime.

Additionally there have been amendments or “Protocols” to the Geneva Conventions in 1979 and 2005.

What George Bush is proposing is CLARIFICATION of Article 3 of the Third Geneva Convention. It concerns the bolded clause below:

Article 3 describes minimal protections which must be adhered to by all individuals within a signatory's territory (regardless of citizenship or lack thereof): Combatants who have laid down their arms, and combatants who are hors de combat (out of the fight) due to wounds, detention, or any other cause shall in all circumstances be treated humanely, including prohibition of outrages upon personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment.

My PET PEEVE is based upon all of the outrage about Bush’s intent to CLARIFY the AMBIGUOUS language. I have two issues with the negative response to Bush’s proposal.

# 1 – The clause was written in 1929 and needs updating. My argument is that all documents, including the U.S. Constitution, should be refreshed from time to time to reflect new technologies and the changing world. My argument is provided in my July 17 Pet Peeve on the Second Amendment.

# 2 – People are against any changes because Bush proposed them. Here’s a novel idea. Let’s see what his proposed changes are before we reject them out of hand. It has been my experience that any effort to remove AMBUGUITY is A GOOD IDEA.

Now if people don’t like Bush’s proposed changes, let’s argue about content or intent. But don’t dismiss the message because of the messenger.


The below joke is a good example of the need for CLARIFICATION. It also reminds me about my April 24 Pet Peeve concerning STOP SIGNS.


A lawyer from Michigan runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Ohio State Trooper.

Being from Michigan, he thinks that he is smarter than the Ohio Trooper because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Trooper's expense.

Trooper says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says "What for?"

Trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Trooper says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference? If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you'll let me go and no ticket."

The Trooper says, "All right then Sir, exit your vehicle please."

At this point, the Trooper takes out his nightstick and starts beating the heck out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Now who doesn’t think CLARITY is a GOOD IDEA? Where’s my stick?

Below is the license plate of the Michigan Lawyer.

September 17 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - Cincinnati Recap

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance. OSU beat Cincinnati 37-7 to maintain it’s #1 ranking and improve their record to 3-0. The team started slow and was only ahead 13-7 at halftime.

THE GOOD

• Scoring Defense – OSU held Cincinnati to 7 points. The scoring defense is now 8th in the country. The defense accumulated 8 sacks.


• Turnovers – Offense had no turnovers for the week in a row.


• Troy Smith – He put up “Heisman Candidate” numbers for the third week in a row. 21-30, and 2 TDs.


• Antonia Pittman – He finally got rolling with a 155 yard performance and a 9.7 yard per carry average.


• Special Teams – 3 for 3 in FGs.

THE BAD

• Missed tackles – The defense again missed too many tackles. It improved over week one and two, but I’m concerned as the season goes deeper.


• Teddy Ginn – He does too much juking and jiving and carrying the football like a loaf of bread. North- South running will get the job done.

THE UGLY

• Penalties – OSU has eight penalties for the second game in the game.


• The turf – Some fungus made the OSU playing surface look more like my back yard than the premier venue in the country.

My WTF moment came late in the second half. Conventional wisdom was the Ohio State would not “run up the score” (see September 10 post.) My wisdom was determined to be un-conventional. With 1:14 to go in the game and OSU up 34-7, Tressel decided to kick a 52-yard field goal. The successful kick put OSU up by 30 points and busted the Las Vegas betting line that had Ohio State favored by 29.5 points.

This week, Penn State comes to town. I’ll be attending the festivities and will be “Room-Gating” at the Holiday Inn. Those that will be in town are welcome to attend.

The early line has Ohio State favored by 16.5 points. I have no idea what to expect. Penn State lost to Notre Dame 41-17 and Notre Dame lost to Michigan 47-21.

As they say, “On any given Saturday…”

GO BUCKS.

September 15 - Friday Funny - Sad but True

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is funny, yet sad, and true, all at the same time. No matter what is said or done today, someone takes offense to it.

For example, on Monday, President Bush addressed the nation on the 5th anniversary of September 11th. The partisan critics made it political before the first word was delivered. Sure Bush spoke about Iraq and our troops during the speech. If he hadn’t, the Democrats would have insisted that Bush was down-playing the issues in Iraq. It is a no-win situation (no pun intended).

Then later this week, Pope Benedict offended Muslims during a speech with his reference to an obscure medieval text about Mohammed. First it was cartoons that infuriated Muslims, now it is an innocuous speech by a man that has red Prada shoes, wears a zucchetto on his head, carries a scepter, and rides around in a bubble car.

No one better say “God Bless You” after someone sneezes. I used to only fear a cold, now I fear a holy war.

At any rate, here is today’s FRIDAY FUNNY. Lighten up People.


The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon cruising on the Presidential yacht. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht, walks across the water to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over, picks it up, and then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times headline reads:
"Bush Can't Swim!"

September 13 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Weekend at Bernie's 3?

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY is Andrew McCarthy.

Mr. McCarthy was a member of the 80’s group, known as the Brat Pack. The "Brat Pack" frequently appeared together in teen-oriented films. The name "Brat Pack" came from a 1985 cover story in New York Magazine by David Blum (June 10, 1985, pp. 40-47). The term is a play on the Rat Pack from the 1960s.

The eight people most commonly included in the Brat Pack are:

• Emilio Estevez


• Anthony Michael Hall


• Rob Lowe


• Andrew McCarthy


• Demi Moore


• Judd Nelson


• Molly Ringwald


• Ally Sheedy

Mike Tyson once said, “I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian”. Others in the Brat Pack may have fallen further into “Bolivian” than Andy McCarthy, but I lost track of him after the 1993 movie, Weekend at Bernie’s II.

Andy’s other films of note include:

Weekend at Bernie's (1989)
Less Than Zero (1987)
Mannequin (1987)
Pretty in Pink (1986)
St. Elmo's Fire (1985)

When I looked at his bio on his web site, I learned that Andy started smoking during the filming of St. Elmo's Fire (his character smoked). Andy has since quit. I also learned that he is an avid and competent pool player. That’s cool, because no one wants to play with an avid yet incompetent pool player.

Andy married Carol Schneider on October 9, 1999. Apparently all of those people that thought he was gay were wrong. It was only a 37-year phase he was going through. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

What peeked my interest in Andrew McCarthy is I originally thought I saw him doing political commentary on MSNBC. Turns out it was Tucker Carlson (on the left), his obvious twin.

So where is Andrew McCarthy?

According to his official web site, McCarthy travels extensively. He has walked across Spain, gone down the Amazon River, traversed through much of Africa and Southeast Asia. An avid kayaker, (it didn’t say if he was also competent), he has paddled in Artic Norway, Alaska, the Pacific and his home waters of the Hudson River off Manhattan. Sounds like he lost his license to drive.

While trying to locate Mr. McCarthy, I found something I would file under the, “Get a Life” category. A woman named Mary has designed an Andrew McCarthy Appreciation Site.

September 11 - Have We Forgotten?

For the second week in a row, PET PEEVE MONDAY has been pre-empted. Don’t kid yourself. I’m not content with the way things are in society today. I have plenty of PET PEEVES. It just happens that this Monday is September 11.

For those of you looking for my regular dose of irony, sarcasm, or humor, read no further. September 11 changed my life.

As the defining moment of my generation, people always say, they will never forget where they were on this date.

On 9/11/01, I was heading to a co-worker’s house. We were planning a noon flight from Dayton to Chicago. We were going to mix a little business with a lot of pleasure. We were going to see a couple of Reds games against the Cubs at Wrigley Field. Our expense statement would show that our customers attended the games, and that they were quite hungry and thirsty.

I was driving and listening to the AM news when the first plane hit. I instinctively called my neighbor. Her husband worked and lived in NYC, most of the time. She immediately updated me on what she knew from the news channels. She quickly got off the phone to call her spouse.

When I arrived at my friend’s house, we turned on his TV. Just then, we saw the second plane hit the South Tower. We looked at each other and knew that we were not going anywhere that day.

In a matter of a few hours, history unfolded in front of us. At the time, nobody knew what was the extent and breadth of the attacks. There were many false alarms that day.

About 2 p.m., I slowly made my 80-mile trek home to my family. The hugs went on all night long.

My interest in travel, and work for that matter, were never the same after September 11. It was tragic to think that 3,000 innocent people were just doing what they did every day, but were irrevocably and mortally caught in the crosshairs of some terrorists. When people say that “Life is Too Short”, they are being glib.

I used to love international travel. I had been to over 25 countries, prior to 9-11. Since then, I have traveled to Canada, once.

I don’t fear for my life by traveling.

I hate the inconvenience of flying. I hate the indignity of having to take off my shoes. I hate the fact that I have to be patted down, have been questioned, and have been un-necessarily delayed. Exactly how many blond haired, blue-eyed terrorists have we experienced?

Screw the racial profiling argument. If Nordics were attacking America, I would be the first to get in line to be searched.

With the recent August scare in London, we now cannot take any liquids, toothpastes, or gels on planes. What will happen when some terrorist wanna-be decides to hide liquid explosives in a bra or body cavity? Do we now fly nude or wear only a paper gown? Are TSA proctologists that far fetched of an idea?

BTW, the technology exists where someone can implant explosives into their body (e.g. calves, pects, breasts, love handles).

If someone is intent on a suicidal mission, how do we psychologically screen them? They will not, and cannot be stopped.

Upon further review, when you take my individual non-travel history since 9-11 into consideration, the Terrorists have won.

Here is my 9-11 Solution.

Make September 11th a National Holiday.

Make it a crime for anyone to announce a September 11 Super Sale. A s a matter of principle, CLOSE ALL BUSINESSES and CANCEL MAIL SERVICE. There should be NO COOKOUTS or POOL PARTIES. NO GAME SHOWS, NO SOAP OPERAS, AND DEFINETLY NO REALITY SHOWS on TV. Make all TV stations run 9-11 features and tributes. Make 9-11 the REALITY show for everyone.

David Worley was prophetic in his 2003 song. “Have You Forgotten?”

Make no mistake, we have.

It has only been 5 years since this tragic day. Last night, President Bush attempted to invoke a non-partisan reminder of why we should never forget that day. Before the speech even aired, the Democrats had started their spin machine with statements about how Bush had politicized September 11th.

ENOUGH. Both of you go to TIME-OUT. Why do so many people have to amplify our differences rather than to recognize our similarities? The terrorists are our enemies, not each other.

The ideological war can be won. It has happened with the Nazis and the Communists. Now it is the Islamic Fascists.

I wasn’t around in 1941, but I doubt that FDR encountered the roadblocks we now face. Domestic spying is OK, if it uncovers terrorist plots. Forget civil liberties. To paraphrase FDR, “if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.”

There is a great series of books written by Robert Cowley titled, “What If?”

The books provide essays as to what would have happened had Hitler never been born or conversely if Hitler would have won WWII?

I wonder, what if we had been more aggressive against terrorists before they attacked?

What if Clinton had bombed the al-Qaeda terrorists camps with a pre-emptive strike prior to 9-11? What would have been the reaction?

We probably would have said Clinton was distracting attention from the Lewinsky scandal. People would have said that the threat was not imminent. Compare this to the Democrats’ statements about Iraq.

When is a threat not a threat? I don’t know.

Let’s make ourselves feel safe. If we see a threat, we damn well better take it out.

We DID NOT before 9-11. There was a threat. We knew there was, but we did not act.

I find no fault in being better safe, than sorry, any more.

If I was in charge, I would send eviction notices to Iran, North Korea, Hezbollah, Hamas, and the Taliban for starters. All hate puveyors and sponsors of terrorism would be on the Eradication To Do List.

Let them know that there is a New World Order Sheriff in town.

Sounds good.

It will never happen.

September 10 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - Texas Recap

Welcome to this week’s edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance. OSU beat Texas 24-7 to maintain it’s #1 ranking and improve their record to 2-0. It was sweet revenge for last year’s loss.

Bevo – It’s What’s For Dinner.

THE GOOD

• Scoring Defense – OSU held Texas to 7 points. Texas had a string of 12 games in which they had scored at least 40 points. OSU started and ended that streak as they held Texas to 25 points last year.
• No Turnovers on Offense – Conversely, Texas’s turnovers were momentum changers.
  OSU Fans - A Buckeyes booster put up $225,000 to bring the Ohio State band to Austin. There were an estimated 40,000 Buckeyes faithful that made the 1,200-mile trip from Columbus, with or without tickets for the game.
• Troy Smith – He put up solid numbers for the second week in a row. 17-26, 269 yards and 2 TDs.
• Punting – Sophomore punter A.J. Trapasso had a 50.8-yard average on six punts. His performance earned him Big Ten Special Team’s Player of the Week honors.

THE BAD

• Missed tackles – The defense again missed too many tackles. It improved over week one, but there are still miles to go.


• Troy Smith’s Rushing – Smith has yet to repeat his rushing successes from 2005. No worries though. It’s early, and his passing is golden.

THE UGLY

• Penalties – OSU has eight penalties in the game. One egregious call that kept the lone Texas drive alive was a roughing the passer penalty. Kudos to the ABC broadcasting team for stating that it a TERRIBLE call.


• OSU Rioters - 17 arrests and 45 trash bin fires. Come on guys. Let’s act like we have been there before.

My WTF moment came in the second half. As Texas fell further and further behind, a growth on Mack Brown’s upper lip got redder and redder and larger and larger. If John Madden had been calling the game he would have used his telestrater to identify it, break it down, excise it, and give it a name. Keith Jackson just would have called it “A Big Ugly”.

I guess everything is bigger in Texas, even Herpes Simplex 2.

Ohio State solidified its #1 ranking with its impressive win over Texas. This week, Cincinnati comes to town. The early line is 30 points.

I doubt Tressel will run up the score on an old assistant. Especially one like Mark Dantonio, who was key to the 2002 National Championship team.

September 8 - Friday Funny - A Sign of the Times?

Unless you live on Pluto, you know that THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY plays Texas in football this weekend.

There are football fans everywhere, except for Norway. Back at the 2004 Presidential Inauguration Parade, Norwegians were shocked to see President Bush give the University of Texas "hook 'em, 'horns" sign as the University of Texas band marched by. Norwegians interpreted this as a salute to Satan.

Ironically, sign-language users pointed out that the sign means "bullshit

For those of you that speak Norwegian, the headline read, “Derfor viste Bush «satantegnet»”

“Mange TV-seere ble sjokkert da både George W. Bush og datteren Jenna viste noe som minnet om et satantegn under innsettelsesseremonien torsdag.”

To add to the confusions, Swedes think the below picture means that OHIO STATE is #1.

Disclaimer: I do not endorse youth profanity. Additionally, this is not my kid. Who am I to comment on how others raise their children.

GO BUCKS!!!

September 6 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - I See Drunk People

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY concerns Haley Joel Osment. Osment was nominated for an Oscar for his role in "The Sixth Sense" (1999) at age 11. Osment also starred in Forrest Gump (1994) and Pay It Forward (2000).

Osment has been charged with driving under the influence of alcohol, with an enhancement of driving with a .15 or higher. Osment was also charged with misdemeanor possession of marijuana while driving. Finally, Osment was charged with the infraction of driving under the age of 21 with a blood alcohol level of .05 or higher.

Osment is 18 in Earth years, which translates to 25 in Hollywood years on the Drew Barrymore scale.

Osment lost control of his 1995 Saturn on his way home and collided with a brick pillar in a LA suburb around 1 a.m. on July 20. Osment was treated for a broken rib and a shoulder injury.

You would think if he was that good of a performer he could have acted his way out of the DUI by acting sober. Also, what is he doing driving a 1995 Saturn? Where are the residuals?

September 5 - Katie Couric Reads Well

Katie Couric began her first night as anchor of the "CBS Evening News" on Tuesday. Now, I have a pre-existing opinion of Ms. Couric. She was the subject of one of my first blogs. That blog was inspired when Katie began the long goodbye in announcing her departure from the Today Show last April.

With the advent of the 24 news channels, the emphasis on the network news anchor has been diminished.

It is a sad state when the messenger becomes more important than the message. I remember when Warren Cronkite, John Chancellor, and David Brinkley reported the news. There was an innate sense of trust. Too much, the politics of the news anchor bleeds into the news selection and delivery. That was the downfall of Dan Rather.

The Cincinnati Enquirer asked that I join a panelist of reviewers of her first broadcast. We were sequestered like a jury in the 10th floor conference room of the Enquirer Building. I quickly learned I was out-manned, as there were 6 women on the panel.

The newscast began as Katie was introduced by a voiceover recorded by the legendary Walter Cronkite, whose tenure as CBS anchor ended in 1981. Apparently Dan Rather was on special assignment. No one else in the room caught this ingenious transition. I knew very quickly that style over substance would be the focus of the majority of the reviewers.

This was confirmed when at the first commercial break there was a disparity of opinion. It was all focused on Katie’s attire. Why this is important to the viewer, I don’t know.

The Enquirer attributed the following quote to me. “Was it a slow news day?” I stated this in reference to the fluff through out the broadcast. I had many more in-depth comments that did not get printed. I offer them below.

The premiere was too jammed with "new features," as if the producers feared people would give Couric only one night's chance before they ran away to some other option.

Additionally there was no flow to the news. Couric was talking about the 9-11 anniversary, then about executive changes at the Ford Motor Co. and then about the late Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter who died over the weekend when he was attacked underwater by a stingray. BTW is it in poor taste if people shed Crocodile Tears on his passing? She covered the three stories in less than a minute.

These little mini-stories were rammed together with no indication from Couric that she was changing topics. She needs work, and help, at reading off the prompting device and making it clear when the focus is about to shift.

Other new segments included “Eye on your Money” and “free Speech.” The free Speech segment turned out to be the oldest idea in television. Have some well-known or obscure blowhard pop up and do a rant into the camera. On this show, it was the Morgan Spurlock, who became famous by making a movie, Super Size Me, in which he ate at McDonald's every day for a month. How's that for credentials? I see hundreds of Super Sized people every time I leave the house.

Then the show reached its lowest point. Katie showed a photograph of the love child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Was I suddenly watching Access Hollywood? How is this news?

In summary, I thought I was watching ACTION FIGURE KATIE. Within the confines of a thirty-minute broadcast, we saw Katie stand in front of the desk, stand behind the desk, sit on a couch, cross and re-cross her legs more often than Sharon Stone, and finally lean against the desk. If she had knelt, we would have had a complete Catholic Mass.

The end of the broadcast while Katie was performing her last aerobic maneuver of leaning against the edge of a desk. She acknowledged that many people were wondering how she would sign off. Couric played clips of other signoffs, ranging from Cronkite's "and that's the way it is" to Rather's ridiculed "Courage" to the fictitious movie anchorman Ron Burgundy’s (Will Ferrell) "You stay classy, San Diego.”

"I'm not sure any of those will work for me," Couric said, and then asked viewers, in all seriousness, to log onto the CBS News web site and send her suggestions.

"And who knows," she said, "maybe one will actually stick."

WHAT A COP-OUT. Five months, millions of dollars, and all they have is a contest to come up with a catchy close.

How about this.

“I’m Katie Couric. This was the Liberal View of the News. I wear a lot of make-up along with short skirts, and 6-inch stiletto heels. I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last week and I’m overpaid. Good Night.”


Below is the larger version of the Enquirer article. A more accurate title would have been, "Couric's Teleprompter Reading Impresses Seven out of Eight People."

September 4 - No Pet Peeve - Labor Day

There will not be a PET PEEVE MONDAY this week due to the Labor Day holiday. I spent my holiday driving around looking for Labor Union gatherings. They get together every Labor Day to celebrate their successes in bringing down “The Man". At this year’s picnic, I believe I saw 5 people. I could have been mistaken, as it was also a bus stop.

Where have all the Unions gone?

Is Organized Labor an oxymoron these days? Maybe the Labor Day party was out-sourced.

September 3 - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly - Northern Illinois Recap

Welcome to the first edition of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It’s my weekly critique of The Ohio State University football performance. Yesterday, OSU beat Northern Illinois 35-22 to kickoff the 2006 campaign.



THE GOOD

• Defensive Speed – OSU has nine new starters on defense. They look faster than last year’s team.


• Kickoffs – Pettrey consistently put the kickoff into the end zone. He has huge shoes to fill, but got off to a good start in this area.


• Few Penalties – The first penalty came with only 2:20 left in first half. OSU had only three penalties in the game.


• Chris Wells – This freshman looked like a slimmed down Pete Johnson the way he fought for the end zone.


• Troy Smith – His numbers speak for themselves, 18-25, 297 yards and 3 TDs.

THE BAD

• Missed tackles – The defense showed its inexperience and rust by attempting too many arm tackles.


• Big plays – The defense gave up a 51-yard run and a 65-yard reception to the speedy Wolfe Garrett. Garrett amassed 285 all-purpose yards. OSU should have put a defensive “Spy” on him. It seems to work well on my XBOX.


• Red Zone play calling - What about a QB bootleg? I heard Smith could run. He only had one rushing attempt in the game.


• Field Goal kicking - OSU was 0-2. I hope it was the weather and the distance and not a harbinger of things to come.

THE UGLY

• Fumbles – OSU fumbled twice as they were going in for scores. You cannot do that and expect to win games.


• New NCAA clock rules – The new NCAA rules reduced the number of plays from 141 to 126 yesterday. That is a 10% reduction. It wasn’t broken and it didn’t get fixed.

My WTF moment came with 7:53 left in the fourth quarter. Tressel decided to change QBs in the middle of a drive. OSU fumbled on the next play. The replay seemed to show that Zwick’s knee was down before the fumble. However OSU did not challenge the call. WTF on the QB change and WTF on the non-use of the replay.

But what really bothered me was that the TV announcers always have to mention Maurice Clarett. Do these same announcers bring up O.J. Simpson during USC games? Guys, move on. We have, Maurice has, and O.J. is still looking for the real killers.


Is Ohio State the real deal and should they be ranked #1? We will know in less than a week, as they invade Texas next Saturday night.

September 1 - Friday Funny - Eight is Enough

This week, the International Committee of Astronomers (ICA) decided to de-list Pluto as a planet.

The ICA spokesperson announced, “We are sorry to announce this Solar System right-sizing. However, due to economic and galactic conditions, we were unable continue a working relationship with Pluto. We've really enjoyed working with Pluto in the past and wish it no ill will.”

Pluto’s legal representatives were quick to deny the rumors about Pluto having Venus Envy. They also denied any nefarious link between Pluto and Jupiter’s moons or Saturn’s rings. Pluto’s lawyers also claimed that Pluto’s off color jokes directed at Uranus were taken out of context.

Pluto's press agent released this statement, "While Pluto is saddened by this turn of events, it's not bitter. Pluto looks on this as an opportunity to spend more time with his family.”

When reached for comment, Bill Clinton indicated that he understood the problem. He stated, “Well, it depends on what your definition of a planet is?”

Pluto, a planet since 1930, was ineligible for any early planet retirement benefits. While Pluto was 76 years old on Earth time, it was only 28 seconds old when converted to Light Years.

Additional impacts from the announcement included:

• School textbooks will have to be re-printed.
• Toys R Us will need to recall all Solar System mobiles.
• Two episodes of Star Trek will need to be erased.
• Three characters from Battlestar Galactica will need to be rewritten.

And most importantly, my 4th grade science teacher, Sister Marie Tress, will need to re-calculate my grade. I knew there were only eight planets. Which is different from her assertion that I only knew eight planets.

I think it is ironic that a planet that is so closely associated with Disney is declassified.

I guess - It IS A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL.