July 28 - Friday Funny - Hillary Clinton's Bust

When I saw the below sculpture I began to suffer from JOKE OVERLOAD. I’ll let the press release speak for itself: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE — New York, NY — July, 26 2006 — A presidential bust of Hillary Clinton is set to be unveiled at the Museum of Sex on August 9, 2006 at 10 am. Accentuating her sexual power and bolstered by the presidential seal, The Presidential Bust of Hillary Rodham Clinton: The First Woman President of the United States of America will be officially open for public viewing on August 9 for a limited six week run.

Artist Daniel Edwards describes this new sculpture as capturing Clinton "with her head held high, a youthful spirit and a face matured by wisdom. Presented in a low cut gown, her cleavage is on display prominently portraying sexual power which some people still consider too threatening."

Edwards' inspiration for the piece was derived from actress Sharon Stone's controversial quote earlier in the year about challenges that would most likely be encountered should the Junior Senator from New York run on the '08 ticket. "I think Hillary Clinton is fantastic," Stone said. "But I think it is too soon for her to run. This may sound odd but a woman should be past her sexuality when she runs. Hillary still has sexual power and I don't think people will accept that. It's too threatening."

Not sure what's more disturbing here: The sculpture itself, or that someone is producing art inspired by Sharon Stone quotes.

If Hillary really looked like this, Bill Clinton should receive a “get out of jail free” card on the Monica Lewinsky affair.

Speaking of Monica, below is one of my favorite billboards of all time.
This just off the presses: Lance Bass, former member of NSYNC, has announced he is gay. Shouldn’t he now be a member of the Back Street Boys?

Lance said he didn’t come out sooner because he didn’t want to hurt the careers of the other members of NSYNC. How did that work out for them?

Finally, I also heard that Prince is getting a divorce. The rock star's second missus, Manuela Testolini Nelson, filed for divorce in Minnesota. I’m shocked. I can’t believe he’s been married twice. I thought he WAS gay.

Not that there is anything wrong with that. - Jerry Seinfeld

July 26 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Gumby

As a child, I had three favorite toys: Alvin the Chipmunk, a Richard Nixon figurine, and Gumby. I’m pretty sure where Richard Nixon is now and Alvin had his two brothers, Simon and Theodore, and Dave Seville looking after him, but whatever happened to GUMBY?

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY focuses on the little green clay boy. Gumby celebrated his 50th birthday last week but I don’t remember the same fanfare that was afforded a certain snooty mouse last year. Maybe it should be racketeer not mouseketeer.

In 1956 Gumby made his first appearance on television, on "The Howdy Doody Show.” I would like to age as well as Gumby. There's not a wrinkle on him, and if there were, you could smooth it out with your thumb.

I never really lost touch with Gumby. He used to ride in my briefcase on my travels as a reminder of simpler times. Sometimes Pokey, his pony pal, would come along as well.

Art Clokey, the man who made Gumby, was far from the first to breathe life into inanimate objects frame by frame. However, Clokey created the first clay TV star with staying power. Gumby was the subject of a series of television shows with 223 episodes over a 35 year period. Art Clokey also created Davey and Goliath, produced for the Lutheran Church from 1956-73.

Gumby is officially 7 inches tall. He lived in a toy store and with his parents, Gumbo and Gumba. Later he gained a little sister, Minga. (This sounds like the next Pitt-Jolie baby or at least the place where she’s born.)

Clokey spent a year in a seminary studying to become an Episcopal priest. He has spoken of "Gumby" both in art-theoretical and spiritual terms: "Gumby is a symbol of the spark of divinity in each of us, the basis of the ultimate value of each person."

To me, Gumby was just a pliable figure, too large to be flushed down the toilet by my brother like my other toys.


Gumby went into retirement in the late 1960s but made a comeback in the 1980s, when Eddie Murphy played a cranky version of the character on Saturday Night Live. Murphy's famous "I'm Gumby dammit" line represented the antithesis of the sweet, loveable animated character he was mocking.


Gumby remains popular nearly five decades after his creation. Next month, Rhino Home Video plans to release a seven-DVD set of all the Gumby episodes.

And that is where we will find Gumby again.

Below is a picture of me with my favorite friends: Gumby, Pokey, Alvin, and Richard Nixon.

July 24 - Pet Peeve Monday - Newsreaders Gone Wild

This week’s PET PEEVE is something that has bothered me for a while.

Actually I think that is the definition of a PET PEEVE.

Something that starts as a slow burn or irritation and festers into a full blown PET PEEVE over time.

The PET PEEVE are News Anchors that insert themselves into the story to show their bravery (or stupidity). It began for me with Hurricane Katrina, got worse with the Iraq War, and came to a boil with the latest turmoil in the Middle East.

During Katrina you had NBC’s Brian Williams in the SuperDome claiming that rapes and murders were taking place. Never happened. You had CNN’s Anderson Cooper hip deep in sewer water and talking about the lack of food. He didn’t miss a drink, meal, teleprompter, or hair appointment. Finally there was Fox’s Geraldo Riveria creating the news by saving people that didn’t want saving.

Fast forward to the War on Terror and you have more of the same. The real disgrace was Geraldo again. While covering American military activity in Afghanistan in 2001, Geraldo was criticized for taking a gun into a war zone and derided for misplacing the scene of a "friendly fire" incident by 300 miles (which he later blamed on his confusing two different incidents, although the other incident didn't take place until three days after his report). While covering the war in Iraq in 2003 he was censured by the U.S. military (and reportedly booted out of Iraq) for carelessly broadcasting details which revealed tactical information about an upcoming U.S. attack.

However in Iraq, the newsreaders became newsmakers. They got to close to the fire and got burned. The most high profile casualty was ABC’s Bob Woodruff.

Six months after Bob Woodruff was seriously hurt by a roadside bomb in Iraq, television networks covering the Mideast violence have not learned their lesson.

His successor, Charles Gibson, is in the Middle East this week. He is squarely in harm's way covering the conflict between Israel and Hezbollah, the Shiite Muslim militia that controls much of south Lebanon.

Though it's clearly dangerous in Israel, the networks say it's at least more predictable than what's going on in Iraq. Someone needs to explain to me how a terriorsts group’s random lobbing of unguided missiles into a residential area is safe.

Fox’s Shepard Smith ducked into a building in Nahariya, Israel last week after Hezbollah-launched rockets fell nearby, one destroying an apartment building

NBC’s Brian Williams scrambled into a bomb shelter in Haifa and waited for the concussion to tell him that an incoming rocket had landed. He also watched Hezbollah rockets being launched and landing from above while in an Israeli helicopter. Did he not know that an Israli helicopter had crashed earlier in the day? I did. I saw it on MSNBC, a NBC AAA farm team.

CNN's Anderson Cooper was the first of the American anchors to report from Israel last week. “You don't want to overplay that side of the job," Mr. Anderson says. "The fact that somebody came under fire in a certain location has a certain amount of drama and ... audience interest, but in terms of the overall dynamic of the story and what's going on out there, its relative importance has to be measured quite carefully."

If I want drama, I watch any of the CSI’s, Law and Order’s, or My Fair Brady on TV.

The only network without a lead anchor in the Middle East is CBS, with interim anchorman and managing editor Bob Schieffer working from New York. Former NBC Today co-anchor Katie Couric is scheduled to replace Schieffer when she becomes the permanent anchor and managing editor of the CBS Evening News on Sept. 5.

Couric is thw moat expendable TV journalists. See my April 5 BLOG on her insignificance.

Newsreaders putting themselves in harm’s way are more show business than journalism.

There is an old saying in the news business, “If it bleeds, it leads.” Too bad, it has become the newsreaders that want to lead the news, one way, or another.

Below is Mr. Riveria with his bandaged nose and his 1980 porn star mustache. He was hit by a randomly lobbed studio chair.

July 21 - Friday Funny - Buck Private?

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY comes courtesy of our boys spreading democracy in IRAQ. Better yet, they are spreading the good news about The Ohio State Buckeyes.


It’s hard to believe that the football team starts practice on August 7th with the first game on September 2nd. GO BUCKS and GO MARINES.

My message to the U.S. Troops: stay safe, come home soon, and if it’s not too much trouble, recruit some future kickers to replace Nugent and Huston.

“ O, H, ……………………….I, O ”

July 19 - Where Are They Now? Wednesday - Finola Hughes

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY focuses on soap opera actress, Finola Hughes. She played Anna Devane on General Hospital (GH) from 1985-1992.

My connection with GH started in 1981. I was the Finance Director for The Ohio State University’s Undergraduate Student Government (USG). At the time I had some political aspirations and this experience would look good on my resume. The previous Finance Director had been convicted for embezzling $7000 from the budget. My administration was scandal free.

In conjunction with the famous GH wedding of “Luke and Laura” in November 1981, the USG sponsored a GH weekend at OSU. Their wedding on November 16, 1981 was the highest-rated episode of any daytime soap opera in the United States, with more than 30 million viewers.

We flew in cast members Leslie Charleson (Monica Quatermaine) and Jacklyn Zeman (Bobbie Spenser) for a special GH weekend. We had a weekend of events to spotlight the show and to raise money for the student fund. During the Saturday rally I was the stand-in for the “Soap Opera Kiss” demonstration with Ms. Charleson. It still ranks as one of my top 5 kisses (possible future blog?).

As fate would have it, I would cross paths with another GH cast member, Finola Hughes.

Twenty years ago this month, I took a vacation from Ohio to Southern California with 2 friends, Scott and George. We were staying at a Huntington Beach hotel that was also hosting a nationally sanctioned dog show.

Always eager to expand my sphere of knowledge, I decided to attend part of the dog show. On my way to the pavilion I had to pass through the hotel bar. And whom do you think I ran into at the bar?

You’re right, Claude Akins. Akins played “Sheriff Elroy S. Lobo” on TV’s B.J. and the Bear. Akins also appeared in several TV series and over 50 movies. When you read his bio on the Internet it says nothing about his love of dogs. Mr. Akins did give me this dog show advice.

Claude told me to watch how they make the male dogs stand at attention. The dog owners spread their (the dog’s) legs and firmly grasp and pull down on their (the dog’s) family jewels. I considered this useless trivia until last year when I turned from wage earner to “Trophy Husband.” I can stand at attention without prompting. But I digress.

When I finally made it to the dog show, whom do you think I ran into? Right again, Finola Hughes. She was extremely pleasant and a bit of a flirt.

I knew that Finola had starred in in the 1983 John Travolta film Staying Alive, a sequel to Saturday Night Fever. I mentioned that to her and scored countless points, as not many people had seen that movie.

But WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Finola Hughes. What happened to her after our chance meeting?

Well as it turned out she stayed on General Hospital through 1992. She also had parts on two other TV series, Blossom (1994-1995) and Pacific Palisades. She then did a crossover role on All My Children from 1999-2003. Her bio says she can currently be seen on the on The Style Network as the host of the makeover show, How Do I Look?.

My TV has a “M (man) Chip” that blocks the The Style Network, WE, and Lifetime Networks. It also blocks channels that have shows with Queer Eye, Oprah, or Michael Bolton in the show description.

The General Hospital web site says Anna Devane is returning to the show for a brief run this summer.

So it sounds like there were no career ending consequences from our chance meeting in 1986. I wish her well and would advise her that the restraining order is no longer needed.

As a footnote to our 1986 California vacation, within the next three years, George, Scott, (pictured at right) and I all moved to California from Ohio. By 1992 we were all married to California women.

I’m always happy we decided to vacation in California and not in Alaska in 1986. Who knows how that would have turned out?

July 17 - Pet Peeve Monday - 2nd Amendment

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is going to go a little deeper than past PET PEEVES about poor customer service or abhorrent driving skills. I want to address something that will probably eliminate my chances as being elected to anything other than Den Father of my daughter’s Brownie Troop.

I believe the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is a farce and needs to be modified, updated, or repealed.



The debate is not simple. The Second Amendment contains archaic vocabulary and grammar. In addition there is the possibility that the Second Amendment was drafted deliberately with ambiguous meaning as part of the process of negotiation and compromise necessary for passage by a disjointed, conflicted, “representaive government”.

The Second Amendment states:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

I could overwhelm you with facts from:

New England Journal of Medicine, June 12, 1986, Vol. 314 No. 24, pp. 1557-60 that states that: A homeowner's gun is 43 times more likely to kill a family member than an intruder therefore "the advisability of keeping firearms in the home for protection must be questioned."

New England Journal of Medicine, October 7, 1993, Vol. 329 No. 15, pp. 1084-91 that states that: In homes with guns, a member of the household is almost three times as likely to be the victim of a homicide compared to gun-free homes.

Remember the Facts are Our Friends. But, I will center my argument on the following thoughts:

1. Obsolescence

This Amendment was ratified in 1789. That was 217 years ago. “Arms” consisted of musket-loaded guns. To correctly interpret “Arms”, one could argue that anyone should be able to have any “Arms” available to their arsenal. If I can develop Atomic, Hydrogen, and even Nuclear weapons would that be protected by the Second Amendment?. I watch Bill the Science Guy. It’s possible.

If AK-47s were available in 1789, do you think the wording might have changed? The Constitution was written on parchment paper using a quill pen and ink. It was drafted by candlelight by guys wearing puffy shirts and wigs. Come on, times have changed, so should the laws, and the Constitution.

Some have suggested that banning weapons that have "no sporting or hunting purpose" would make sense. I would suggest if we were to “Arm” the deer and other wildlife, would that would make it more “sporting”?

2. Intent and Interpretation

The original intent and purpose of the Second Amendment was to preserve and guarantee, not grant, the pre-existing right of individuals to keep and bear arms. We had just completed a Revolution against an imperialist nation.

The term "people" refers to the people collectively, rather than the people as individuals.

It might also make sense to allow legislatures to recognize that in certain circumstances firearms constitute a special danger. One thinks in particular of saloons: Perhaps guns and alcohol do not mix, just as according to the laws of many states and communities naked dancers and alcohol don't mix. I reserve the right to address this in a future PET PEEVE.
In addition, you can also parse the lanuguage of the Second Amendment.

• Who or what does the Amendment mean by the "militia"?


• What relationship does "militia" today have with "militia" in 1789?


• What does "shall not be infringed" mean?

As Bill Clinton said, “It all depends what the definitin of “is” is.”

3. Qualifications of Original Authors

Our Founding Fathers were middle-aged, high-income white guys. They were slave owners, opportunists, and adulterers. Think Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings.

This is analogous to any Country Club today. If you insert “domestic help” for slaves and juxtaposition William Jefferson Clinton and Monica Lewinsky for the third President, the results are the same. I’m not sure who would win “Most Lothario President” award.

My PET PEEVE is that too many people wrap themselves in the flag, call themselves patriots and announce that you will “Take My Gun From My Cold, Dead Hands.”

Ironically when Charlton Heston made this infamous remark in 2000, he was holding an antique Revolutionary War-era muzzle loader.

If you believe in statistical probabilities, as a gun-owner it may only be a matter of time before that gun is pried from its owner’s hands (see above referenced articles).

People put too much faith in our forefathers. They beleive that they were infallible. Many of the signers of our Constitution were fullof whiskey not wisdom.

What’s next, millions of people following a man that wears red Prada shoes wears a zucchetto on his head, carries a scepter, and rides around in a bubble car?

BTW – I’ve had firearms training. I’ve lived in the crime centers of Los Angeles, Sacramento, and a particular seedy area of Dayton, OH. I CHOOSE not to own a gun.

Maybe I’m naïve.

July 14 - Friday Funny - Jeeebus

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is inspired by a 62-ft. high sculpture of Jesus. The torso-up sculpture has a 42-foot span between upraised hands, and a 40-foot cross at the base. It's made of plastic foam and fiberglass over a steel frame, and it is lit by spotlights at night. From the waist down, he's underground. This Jesus is the largest in the U.S.

Located on I-75 midway between Cincinnati and Dayton, the Jesus faces west towards I-75. It is in front of the Solid Rock Church of Monroe, Ohio. The I-75 exit near the statue is marked by a Hustler of Hollywood sign for one of Larry Flynt's largest adult stores and a billboard for Bristol's Show Club & Revue adult club that features a lingerie-clad woman. Jesus is surrounded by flea markets on both sides of the highway at this exit, which makes for large weekend traffic jams. This sounds a lot like Luke19:45 when Jesus drove the money changers from the temple when he was 12.

But to add to these traffic problems are the people who have decided to stop on the interstate to have their picture taken with ‘Jesus’. It may also attract passing heathens, as shown here, caught in the act of "High Five"-ing the Lord.

There is actually a great site that offers a parody of pictures of “Jeeebus” with props. I’m sure the authors of this site will be in hell a full five minutes ahead of me.

I had a PET PEEVE on May 8th of this year about Highway Rock Gatherers. It concerned people parked on the side of the road stealing rocks, stones, or boulders for decorative display in front of their doublewides. I argued that this created an undue traffic hazard.

These Jesus tourists, while still being a PET PEEVE have become a FRIDAY FUNNY. As they pose for their pictures, they approach their own Armageddon (Revelation 16:13) oblivious to the approaching SUV’s.

When I see drivers, pedestrians, or Christians committing traffic violations, I beep my car horn to provide notification of said violation. I also do it to announce that I am passing them in a 3-ton vehicle at 65 MPH approximately 5 feet to their left. I don’t want them to step into my lane while getting that wide-angle family photo.

On my trip past Jeeebus on Thursday, I observed three cars stopped at the height of rush hour to take that “one of a kind” picture. I tooted my horn as a warning of pending doom only to see an unbelievable response. The “father figure” flipped me the bird. I guess he was saying that Jesus is #1 in his book with his single finger salute.

I believe my 10th grade Religion teacher, Sister Marie Tress, needs to rethink her assessment of me. If I would see her again I would ask her, “Who is the Anti-Christ now?”

July 12 - Where are They Now? Wednesday - Urban Leaguers?

This week’s Where are They Now? Wednesday should be labeled, Where Were You Last Night? Tuesday.

For the last 20 or so years I have been meeting with 9 to 11 of my associates at a local pub each July to watch the Baseball All –Star Game. It started in 1986 at The Urban Suburban Family Bar and Grill in Kettering Ohio. That bar has changed owners and names, but the brick and mortar and intent is still there. We formed a rotisserie baseball league at that location in 1986 and our league will be forever known as “The Urban League.”

If you do not know what rotisserie baseball is all about, read no further.

I would detail my activism in the “Urban League” on my resume. It would immediately draw praise, respect, and eventually confusion. I’m 92% Caucasian and 8% Native-American.

Every year the 11 or 12 team owners would meet to drink, watch the All-Star Game, and make baseball trades as if we were the next coming of George Steinbrenner. We would emulate Donald Trump, not as his prepared for his next wife, but as he would structure the “Art of the Deal.”

We moved our annual meeting from bar to bar over the years. Sometimes, we moved from bar to bar during the same night.

Proposed deals were passed like national security secrets (before Valerie Plume and Joe Wilson out-ed themselves) on bar napkins between team owners. Trades would happen as the beers went down and the night got late.

Well this year, no mid-season bash took place. No trades were proposed, debated, or consummated.

Where were you?

Casey?
Bobby?
Scott?
Joe?
Bob?
Chris?
Al?
Brad?
Bruce?
Dan?
Whitey?
Porter?
Sean?
Terry?
John Lewis?
Jeff Jones?
Dave Taylor?

I doubt that you had a meeting without me. Who would pick up the check?

Below is a picture of my 2007 Baseball Rotisserie League. I believe anyone named Kim, Choi, or Ichiro will be hot items.

Here’s to my 6th championship in the last 20 years. GO SLUGGERS.

July 10 - Pet Peeve Monday - Poor Service

It’s time for Pet Peeve Monday. Now, I think we all agree that Customer Service in this country has diminished or even vanished. This should be a Pet Peeve for everybody. My specific Customer Service Pet Peeve deals with servers, checkout dudes, and others inserting themselves into your conversation, your dinner party, or commenting on your grocery selection.

I ran across some lines I’m going to use the next time someone reminds me of this Pet Peeve.

I’ll use these lines when my water glass sits empty and I’ve obviously become a candidate for the role of the invisible man in the next Hollywood blockbuster. This happened at lunch recently. When I brought it to the waitress’s attention, I found out that she was having a hard time focusing because her daughter had come home late the previous night. It didn’t end there, she also informed me her daughter had a new tattoo. I hope it wasn’t the “barbed wire” tattoo around the arm. If people were really tough they would forgo that tattoo and put real barbed wire around their arms. I wanted to ask her if her daughter got a tattoo in kanji for something like "abject failure" or "hepatitis," but I must remember I’m a people person. My response was, “Check, please.” I got my water to go. TMI is not the newest station on the dish.

I’ll shout these lines into the loud speaker at McDonalds when I order a plain cheeseburger and get the ketchup, mustard, and pickle anyway. How is that a “Happy Meal?"

I’ll recite them when I’m interrupted by my favorite waitress line, “Is everything OK?” for the ninth time as I’m attempting a sincere, intense, fulfilling, interesting conversation with my wife. They usually ask this right after they bring the meal and before we’ve tasted any of it. It’s a good thing I’m a people person.

I love it when a waitress tells me what they like on the menu. I want to tell them, “Great, pull up a chair. Please join us.” My only fear is that they will actually take me serious and plop down at the table. They probably think Sarcasm is the trendy name for a new martini bar. Hey, people persons can also carry the sarcasm trait.

Last Saturday, when our waitress heard me explaining My Blog to my dinner partners, she decided to interject, “I graduated from UC with a degree in Journalism.” I wanted to respond, “Great, how did that work out for you? Can I get some more WATER?” But me, being the polite, people-pleaser I am, only smiled and continued on with the conversation.

Recently the Kroger dude was perusing the vegetables as I attempted to checkout. He apparently was unfamiliar with fresh promegranate and basil. As he fondled the organic arugula with his tobacco-stained fingers, I determined that ignorance was not only bliss it was inquisitive. The checker inquired, “ Is this stuff good? Maybe I should try some.” Judging by his girth, the vegetables were 10 aisles and two worlds away from the Cheetos aisle. His favorite vegetable was the coach potato.

So here are some possible come backs when service doesn’t go your way.

I found these lines on the web under the search, “things you would like to say, but can’t.” I didn’t devise them. That would make me an elitist.

Use them. You will feel better. The service couldn’t get worse, or could it?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Do I look like a people person?

July 9 - Mascot or Muskrat Love?

Here is my most recent solution to a problem. How to get rid of bad mascots?

Why is this needed?

Time was, sports mascots could get away with all sorts of naughty behavior and the police would smile and just look the other way. Not anymore: the mascot for the NBA's Chicago Bulls, Benny the Bull, was reportedly driving a mini-motorcycle through an outdoor festival … without a permit. That's usually kind of a "don't do it again" kind of thing, but when a sheriff's deputy on duty at the "Taste of Chicago" festival tried to question Barry Anderson, 26, the man under the costume, when the mascot tired to run. Once the cop caught him though, Anderson allegedly threw a punch deputy knocking off deputy's glasses and breaking his watch. Benny has been charged with misdemeanor battery and driving within a parkway.

Maybe the 70’s singing duo America was actually singing Mascot Love, not Muskrat Love.

Solution: I believe MASCOTS should be able to be sent down to the minors or designated for assignment like players.

I did some research and the worst mascots from badjocks.com are:

Screech, the bald eagle (except that he ain't bald) who supports the Washington Nationals is really bad. He looks like he's pregnant. I would suggest he should go on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

Hilltopper, the Western Kentucky University mascot should be subjected to a Solomonic divorce proceeding between his natural parents -- the Kool-Aid Man and Grimace.

The Stanford Tree should be the focus of the song, “Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, …”



Lil’ Red – University of Nebraska, should be sent to Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch or the nearest Catholic Church. Insert your own punch line.



But ironically one of the worst MASCOTS from Badjocks.com is my hometown Gapper. He was created in 2003 as the Cincinnati Reds opened their new Great American Ball Park. Never mind that the Reds already had a mascot, Mr. Red, for more than 30 years.

Double irony is that that the two people in the photo on the badjocks.com site should be demoted or released. One is a mindless puppet for the organization. The other is Gapper.
Irony #3, Muskrat Love was voted one of the worst songs of all time.

July 7 - Friday Funny - Hog Heaven

This past Fourth of July, something happened in my house that has not occurred happened in 10 years. No, not that we have three kids. My wife cooked BACON. In honor of that, I thought I would share my favorite PIG joke.

A traveler was driving through Kentucky when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly - it looked like a pig with a wooden leg!

He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. "Excuse me," the traveler said. "I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?"

The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He's the finest pig a man could ever hope to have - and smart! One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out. There is no question about it - that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily."

"Why," the traveler said, "this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Did he get injured in the fire?"

The farmer laughed and said, "Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at one time!"

"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

Below is a picture of my favorite pig (with my daughter). It sits in the backyard until Festivus Season. At that time it heads to the front yard so others can share the joy of the season and my pig.

July 5 - Where are They Now? Wednesday - The Other Guy

It worked for the Brady Bunch, Starsky & Hutch, and Charlie’s Angels. Why not for Miami Vice? These vintage TV shows moved to the big screen and made millions as movies. Miami Vice, the Movie is set for release on July 28.

Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx are reprising the roles of Don Johnson and that OTHER GUY. Which brings us to this week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY.

What ever happened to the OTHER GUY, Philip Michael Thomas? And why does he have three names? Only serial killers are supposed to have three names

He is a famous OTHER GUY. Other, OTHER GUYS include:

Larry Wilcox (Jon Baker-second fiddle to Erik Estrada’s Ponch (now pronounced paunch).

Andrew Ridgeley – the sober and working stiff side of Wham and George Michael (see April 18 Blog).

Miami Vice lasted 114 episodes on NBC from 1984-1989. Sonny Crockett (Don Johnson) was a rough-edged Miami vice detective who lived on a sailboat called "St. Vitus' Dance", that was guarded by his dyspeptic pet alligator, Elvis, named after the singer Elvis Presley. Ricardo Tubbs (Philip Micheal-Thomas) was a black ex-New York street cop who had to come South to find the drug dealer who murdered his brother. They were an unlikely but effective team, working undercover in Miami.

Don Johnson was a rough looking but cool as a cucumber with his expensive pastel sports jacket worn over a T-shirt, with stubbly beard and no socks. I actually still have a “Miami Vice outfit” that I like to wear on the cool summer nights on the Ohio River. On the right is a picture of me on a night out on the town.

His partner, Ricardo Tubbs was the opposite, a clean cut individual who was always armed with weapons for any situation that came up and usually sometimes to bail Crockett out of a tight problem with some vicious murderer or ruthless drug lord.

We all know that Don Johnson went on to bigger and better things like Nash Bridges on the USA Network. But what happened to the OTHER GUY?
Here is what I was able to find out about Phil.

He was born in Columbus OH in 1949. (off to a good start)

He has at least eight children with 3 different live in girlfriends.

A bank foreclosed on his house in 1998. This is not surprising given the cost of childcare these days.

Worked for many years doing psychic phone commercials for Traffix, Inc. He sued them for over $12M in unpaid royalties. You would have thought he would have seen that coming. Traffix should counter-sue him for being a poor psychic.

Here is a personal quote from a 1985 Playboy. As they say, I buy it for the articles.

"I've become greened, like money. I respect the position. I'm enthusiastic, as opposed to excited. Enthusiasm comes from the Greek entheos, which means "God-inspired"...I recommend fame, but with fortune. Otherwise, it's a bitch."

I’m not entirely sure what he meant, but he had me at “greened”.

I believe all will end well for Phillip Michael Thomas. He is rumored to be playing a pivotal role at the opening night gala for the release of Miami Vice, the Movie. He’ll be parking the cars.

July 3 - Pet Peeve Monday - Exploited Holidays

This week’s Pet Peeve as we head into another the July 4th holiday is the Commercialization and Exploitation of American Holidays.

Every car dealer, furniture store, and department superstore is touting their Fourth of July Blow-Out. Get their Pun?

But it’s not just the anniversary of our independence as a country. Veteran’s Day, Labor Day, and Washington’s Birthday have been marginalized. Don’t get me started on the commerciality of Easter or Christmas.

On Memorial Day, I took my 17-year-old son to Wrigley Field in Chicago to see a baseball game between the Cubs and Reds.

It seemed like a nice touch that they had an Iraq War veteran throw out the first pitch. The soldier had lost his leg in defense of our right to attend baseball games, among other freedoms.

The only problem was that this “first pitch” took place 30 minutes before the real ceremonial first pitch was thrown out. The actual Memorial Day honor was reserved for a true American hero, Vince Vaughn. Vaughn had a new movie coming out and had just survived hand-to-hand combat with Jennifer Anniston. (Pictured below – no picture was available of the Iraq War Veteran.) So enjoy the day off this Tuesday. Enjoy the parade. Enjoy the fireworks. But, remember Furniture Fair is only open till 4 p.m. on July 4th, so get there early and save a lot. As you celebrate that new Early American furniture purchase, let’s not forget that “Early Americans” made it possible.

July 1 - Retirement, One Year Later.

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my retirement. I worked for a large midwestern computer company for 21 years.

My work took me to over 25 countries and 5 continents. After graduating with a Business degree from The Ohio State University, my employer matched my investment in them with an investment in me. They paid for my MBA and an additional Masters Certificate in Project Management.

As WorldCom and Enron began to dominate the headlines, I became disenchanted with the corporate rat race. Work began to resemble a Dilbert cartoon with the mindless management driven by short-term results at the expense of long tern stability. When I became part of management, my “visions’ were ignored and I felt like a contestant on the probable new show, “Survivor-Corporate America”.

The final straw was when my responsibilities increased that would take me away from my family for more and more nights each month. I decided I could not miss any more family events or milestones. I was tired of paying someone else to raise my kids.

After consultation with the wife, I decided to retire. We knew that if we sacrificed my salary, we would also sacrifice life-style amenities, like a vacation homes, recreational boats, and mid-life crisis induced purchases like Porsches and mistresses.

I was able to negotiate a contract with my wife that would allow me to spend ample time with the children and still enable me to golf, garden, and pursue other interests (i.e. blogging) at least three days a week.

When I announced my retirement, I stated that I wanted to enjoy my four kids and a relaxed life style. My co-workers and friends were shocked and said it wouldn't last a month. Well it's been a year.

My accuracy in prediction would make Nostradamus blush. The return on my family investment would make any Wall Streeter’s head turn.

I could rave about my children’s academic or athletic accomplishments. But I would be no different than any other proud parent.

I could speak of the family field trips to Washington, Cleveland, Detroit, Chicago and other cities. I could talk about my decreasing golf handicap, the coaching successes, and the size of my tomatoes. But I will save those for my Christmas card.

There are two measures by which I evaluate the success of the last year.

The first is that the last year seemed like the longest year of my 44 years on this planet. I used to always say:

“Where did the day go?” “Boy, that week went fast.”, and “Wow, is it July already?”

Now, every day is a journey or an adventure. Each day takes an enormous amount of attention and patience. Days go on forever and hopefully produce memories that will last as well.

The second measure of success is that every morning and every night, I see many smiles. I get countless hugs. I get the reassurance that I made the best decision, one that no Business school could ever have taught me.

Do I miss work? Sure. I miss the contributions I think I made to my company’s performance. I miss the interaction with other adults.

I now bond with the mailman, the UPS driver, and the sanitation driver (every Thursday).

Only time will tell if it was the right decision for my family and me. But as of now, it’s all good.

In closing, I wanted to share some quotes I’ve collected over the years from an eclectic group of books, movies, and songs.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. ~Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ~Babatunde Olatunji

Life's a journey, not a destination. ~Aerosmith

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. ~Chinese Proverb

Every man dies. Not every man really lives. ~Braveheart

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. ~Abraham Lincoln

Let us endeavor to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. ~Mark Twain

When you get the choice to sit it out or Dance – I hope you Dance ~ Lee Ann Womack

Live long and prosper. ~ Mr. Spock

You win with People ~ Woody Hayes

I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian ~ Mike Tyson

Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan ~ J. Jay Lewis