May 29, 2009 - Friday Funny - Boys will be Boys

This week's Friday Funny is dedicated to my 2 boys. Here are some interesting things you learn when you have sons:

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

9.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

10.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

11.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

12.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

13.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

14.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

15.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

16.) The fire department in Cincinnati has a 5-minute response time.

Enjoy the thoughts (and your kids!!!)

May 27, 2009 - WATN - Dom Deluise

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY (WATN) is Dom Deluise.

I know I am late with this one as Dom is also late. That is, Dom died two weeks ago.

Dom was best known for his role with buddy Burt Reynolds in the Cannonball Run movies.

Dom died while I was on my own Cannonball Run. I traveled 2100 miles, thru 9 states in under 60 hours. I chronicled the trip in a previous blog. I learned about Don’s passing during the newsbreak on a All Country, All The Time radio station somewhere in Texas. I think it was called “The Wolf” or “The Coyote” or something catchy.

When I was able to read Dom’s obituary the next day I was stunned. Nowhere in the 932-word article (I was in a truck cab for three days) was there a mention of Dom’s relationship with NCR.

Dom was the pitchman for NCR’s ill-fated foray into the Personal Computer field. I don’t blame Dom for NCR’s failure, although his selection as the front man didn’t help.

In 1984, NCR introduced an 8-Bit CP-M-based Decision Mate V (DMV) personal computer. It had 64K RAM, and supported a 5.25 floppy with 32K bytes of storage and a Winchester hard disk with 10M bytes of formatted storage. The drive alone weighed 30 pounds. It was very powerful at the time. However by today’s standards it would only hold the concert version of “Hotel California.”

The real problem was the Operating System. NCR decide to go with CP-M instead of DOS as its platform. Think Beta vs. VHS. However by adding a weight challenged, widely unknown, out of work comic as the face of your product didn’t help. NCR actually bought Super Bowl ads that year with Dom prancing around spouting the virtues of teh NCR PC. I guess Ricardo Montebaum (rich Corinthian leather) or the Clydesdales weren’t available.

NCR did later release PC’s on the DOS platform, but the damage was done. I use an old DMV to prop open the door to my shed in the summer. The old marketing execs that selected Dom Deluise as NCR’s computer spokesperson are also holding doors open – as Wal-Mart greeters. (Not there is anything wrong with that.)

Dom – may you finally rest in peace. I just hope your entry ticket thru the gates of St. Peter wasn’t processed on the CP-M platform-based computer.

May 25, 2009 - Happy Memorial Day - NO PPM

No PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) on holidays.

Let’s all remember why we celebrate Memorial Day.

Thanks to all for serving our country and who have given the supreme sacrifice.

FREEDOM ISN’T FREE.

May 22, 2009 - Friday Funny - Bear Humor

I always love signs that tell the story or joke by itself.

This sign comes from the Canadian province of British Columbia:




Thank you to Duke, a charter Jabberwocker, for your submission.

May 14, 2009 - Head East Young Man

Well, I made it back from California. With the passing of my Father-In-Law last month I needed to return to Golden State to sell a house and move household belonging back to my Mother-In-Law’s new residence in Ohio.

I kept a visual diary on my I-Phone of points of interest along the way. My brother, a 30-year armed forces veteran, accompanied me on the adventure. We rented a 17 foot U-Haul to move possessions through CA, AZ, NM, TX, OK, AR, TN. KY, and OH. Below is a summary of the trip.

Wednesday, May 6 – We flew Delta Airlines from Cincinnati to LA at the height of the Swine (H1N1) Flu pandemic scare. I decided to wear a surgical mask and to toss in a few coughs and sneezes. There was a reason I was the lead in my High School’s rendition of “The Music Man.” Before long I had an entire row to myself.

Thursday, May 7 – We packed the truck and left LA at 8:30 p.m. We headed east on the 405 to the 605 to the 110 to the 10 to the 40. Amazingly there is still an LA rush hour at 8:30 at night. We deiced to take Interstate 40, which parallels the old Route 66 from LA through to Nashville before taking I-65 to Louisville and taking I-71 into Ohio.

Friday, May 8 - We spent three hours, from 4-7 a.m., at a motel in Needles, CA that rents rooms by the hour. After a Grand Slam breakfast at the local Denny’s, we continued on through Arizona and spent Friday night in Albuquerque, NM. We drove a total of 709 miles the first 24 hours.

We did stop long enough to acquire gas and to get into a traffic jam at the University of Northern Arizona’s commencement exercises in Flagstaff, AZ. As we trekked eastward at an 85 mph clip, I’ll never know if the Eagles were correct when they sang, “Winslow Arizona was such a fine site to see.”

Saturday, May 9 - We took off right after the 6 a.m. revelry. This was my Breakfast of Champions from a NM gas station:

We traversed through New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, and stayed in Little Rock, Arkansas. This segment was 883 miles.

In Texas we saw what was titled the “World’s Largest Cross.” I think Ohio’s Jesus would beg to differ.

According to the movie, “An Officer and a Gentleman” this is what I expected to see in Oklahoma:

I was pleasantly surprised to see rolling hills, green space, and wind turbines.

When we stopped for the night in Little Rock, I decided to tour the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. I took the below snap shot from the library’s restroom.

Sunday, May 10 – We completed the final leg of our trip from Arkansas through Tennessee and Kentucky into Ohio, a total of 626 miles.

We arrived back in Ohio only 69 hours after our departure from LA. The drive was a mix of Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run, with a hint of Death Race 2000 thrown in to keep it interesting.

I wish I could have been taking this trip for other reasons and spent more time enjoying the scenery.

After listening to country music for 2160 miles, (and they say water boarding is torture), I think Lee Greenwood had it right when he said,

“God Bless the USA.”

This is a GREAT country with all of the diversity of people and geography. I met new, interesting people at every rest stop and gas station.

If I understand the new economic policies of Mr. Obama, I should be receiving several stimulus checks in the next 4 years. I plan to use the money to purchase an RV and return to the southwest in search of the World’s Largest Ball of Twine.

May 5, 2009 - May Leave of Absence

I will be taking a May Leave of Absence as a follow-up to my April Leave of Absence.

I’m headed to the Left Coast to close out the estate of a family member. I’ll be transporting the valuables via U-Haul over 2263 miles of American Real Estate from California to Ohio.

I shall chronicle my travels for future Pet Peeves and Friday Funnies.

According to MapQuest, I should traverse the following states:

California
Nevada
Arizona
New Mexico
Texas
Oklahoma
Kansas
Missouri
Illinois
Indiana
Kentucky
Ohio

Along the way, the obvious questions to be answered are:

If what happens in Vegas, actually Stays in Vegas?

If “Cow Tipping” in Oklahoma is the same as in Ohio?

What does Missouri ACTUALLY have to “Show Me”?

If you have your own questions that may require my on-site research, please post your comment.

I’m taking the camera, so stay tuned.

May 1, 2009 - Friday Funny - Who needs a salad?

This week’s FRIDAY FUNNY is what is considered a “Professional Athlete.”

Below is a picture of the Cincinnati Bengals’ first round draft choice, Andre Smith from Alabama.

I know that I’m glad. and the opposing team is probably elated, that they do not play “Shirts or Skins” in Pro Football.