March 26, 2010 - Friday Funny - Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see; but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

March 23, 2010 - Kentucky Basketball

There is a local dust-up about which game the CBS affiliate in Cincinnati should show on Thursday. Xavier and Kentucky play games at the same time. They rightfully decided to go with Xavier, a Cincinnati-based University.

Also in the news, the NCAA said Monday that its Infractions Appeals Committee "found no basis" to reverse the penalties levied against the University of Memphis for men's basketball violations during the 2007-08 season. The 2008 Memphis Coach was John Calipari.

Last August, the NCAA Committee on Infractions ordered Memphis to vacate its 38 wins from the 2007-08 season and forfeit roughly $615,000 in NCAA tournament revenue.

The University of Massachusetts’ 1996 Final Four appearance also was vacated because of rules violations The 1996 U of Mass Coach was John Calipari.

Anyone want to predict the 2012 headline from the Cincinnati Enquirer about Kentucky basketball (currently coached by John Calipari)?

Maybe the Cincinnati channel should show Kentucky basketball. After they go of their NCAA probation, they might not be on the tube for a while.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice; I must have be the Athletic Director at Kentucky.

March 22, 2010 - PPM - Health Care de(Form)

This week's PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is the proposed Health Care Reform bill that was passed by the House last night.

Locally, the freshman House member that represents (?) Cincinnati was touting for weeks how he was going to stand on his values and vote "NO".

Was anyone really surprised that Rep. Driehaus (D-OH-1st) changed his vote on the Health Care (de)form bill?

The Cincinnati Enquirer ran a nice story on Sunday about how Driehaus was holding strong would vote “NO” on the bill. Fast forward less than 24 hours and after same pandering and promises from the White House, Driehaus spun faster than Chad on Dancing with the Stars.

Do we need Health Care Reform? YES

Do we need the partisan bill that was forced down our throats by the Democrats? NO

We could address the problem with incremental changes:

- Medical Tort Reform
- Coverage portability between jobs
- Inter-State competition
- Medicare Fraud identification and elimination

As an optimist, I see a clean glass, three quarters the way full.

The Democrats have lit a fire that will not be extinguished until November. REAL CHANGE will come.

Driehaus will be forever known as the “The Former One and Done Representative from Cincinnati.”

March 21, 2010 Peter Graves - Good Night Mr. Phelps

Peter Graves died last week at 84. He was a long time actor known for playing Jim Phelps, the leader of the elite Impossible Missions Force in the CBS TV series Mission: Impossible. It ran for seven seasons from 1966-1973.

He also Captain Clarence Oveur in the comedies Airplane! and Airplane II: The Sequel.

I owe a debt of gratitude to Peter Graves. One summer, in order to make money for college, I worked as the Night Auditor at the Howard Johnson’s hotel/restaurant in Zanesville, OH. Working form 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. was exceptionally boring. I would usually close out the day’s books by 1 a.m., which left six idle hours. At the time there was only one 24-hour TV station. It was WTCG (now TBS) out of Atlanta. The infomercial had not been invented and radio stations did not have 24 hour formats in 1981.

At 2 a.m. it was Rat Patrol and at 3 a.m. it was Mission Impossible, starring Peter Graves. Without these shows to get me through the night, I would have been relegated to talking to truckers on the CB radio or to sleeping on the job. OK – I usually did doze from 4 a.m. until I had to start providing wake up calls.

Mission Impossible was a great show that can claim the A-Team, MacGyver, Burn Notice, and many others TV series as disciples.

I need to rent/buy the Mission Impossible Series on DVD. I’m sure it will have lasted the test of time.

March 19, 2010 - Friday Funny - Headlines

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from a friend in Kentucky. I love the headlines. I guess "fact checking" and "proof reading" have been out-sourced to India as well.

And my Favorite:

March 15, 2010 - PPM - Political Musical Chairs

This week's PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is the revolving door on the Cincinnati City Council.

Another day, another story about how Cincinnati City Council has current members running for other offices or taking other jobs.

Councilman Chris Bortz introduced a motion Monday that would require any council member who files to run in a non-council election to resign within 10 days of filing.

I love the idea, but unfortunately it will never pass because the majority of current council is job searching or job jumping.

My question is this: If you didn’t want to be in that office – WHY DID YOU RUN?

The local politicians are playing a game of Political Musical Chairs. It's the same people, just reorganizing their chairs. When the music stops, every one has a spot: some in elected positions, some in appointed government jobs that weren't available to anyone else (Cole), and some in private industry in jobs that look like a payoff for past deeds (Bedinghaus).

Personally, I think most of the politicians in today’s headlines (local, state and federal), should be limited to two terms.

One in office and one in jail.

March 12, 2010 - Friday Funny - White House Credentials

Someone sent me a picture of the WHITE HOUSE GATE CRASHERS.

You know, the couple that got into the White House without any credentials.

March 10, 2010 - Loser of the Week - Got Mike (Suit)?

The Loser of the Week is the litigious Lindsey Lohan. She should probably be a repeat winner of the Loser award based upon:

- her driving record
- her selection of men or women mates
- her obscure theatrical skills
- her ward robe choices

She wins it this week for her $100M suit against Etrade. Etrade ran a quite funny commercial using it’s baby theme. This time it concerns a “milk-a-holic” baby “Lindsey”.

Lohan thinks she has universal right to this name. She considers her self a “One Name” celebrity like Oprah or Madonna or Jesus.

This was the subject of a Pet Peeve Monday (PPM) on May 15, 2006.

I love the commercial.

March 10, 2010 - I need a Golf ruling

My golf playing partner advised me that you have to play the ball where it lands, even if it in the snow.

As such, I was able to add a new stat to my golf game today: “Snow Saves”. I got up and down out of a bunker today for par. The bunker is somewhat shaded and it had some residual snow. Fortuitously, the club face cleans itself of sand and snow as it passes through the elements.

You have to love the opportunity to play golf in Cincinnati ... in March.

March 6, 2010 - SolSat - Airport Security

This week’s SOLUTION SATURDAY (SolSat) is AIRPORT SECURITY.

I have a better solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.

Have a bunker-like booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be no issue about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift, but a little messy.I can already hear the Airport PA announcement: "Clean-up on (security) Aisle 3."

"Look. I don't care if you are Luke's father, step into the scanner."

March 5, 2010 - Friday Funny - Olympic Medal Recount

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY was inspired by the Olympics.

BTW- sorry about the Olympics blackout, but I just love to watch Curling.

March 4, 2010 - If the Humor is Bad, You Shouldn't Get Mad.

There is an article in today’s paper about three Los Angeles elementary school teachers accused of giving children portraits of O.J. Simpson, Dennis Rodman and RuPaul to carry in a Black History Month parade. The educators have been suspended from their classrooms. The LA chapter of the NAACP has asked that they be fired.

If Black History Month is February, then Rep. Charley Rangel and NY Governor David Patterson would have been OK selections, since technically they didn’t get in trouble until March.

My point isn’t about racism; it’s about tolerance for humor and timing. O.J. Simpson was a hero for many Americans of many colors for many years. I blogged about my meeting with Simpson in Hawaii in 1991. We had a nice conversation and he even bought me an adult beverage. But we know that he has fallen from the pedestal into a 10 by 8 jail cell. If the parade were held in February 1994, then the portrait carrying would have been more acceptable. It was bad timing. If Johnny Cochran was still alive, he would say, "If the Humor is Bad, You Shouldn't Get Mad."

The choice of Simpson, Rodman, and RuPaul was humorous, not racist. Why aren’t the critics of RuPaul’s selection considered homophobic? I’m sure RuPaul is a role model to some niche of people.

Technically, I’m 1/8 Native American. Is there a Native American History Month? Since I’m only 12.5%, I don’t need a whole month, just give me a long weekend. Preferably in late June, around the annual commemoration of the Battle of Little Big Horn.

Just Kidding. Lighten Up. Life is short.

March 2, 2010 - Who's On First?

In today’s Cincinnati Enquirer Sports section, the top story is about Yonder Alonso. Alonso was the Red’s 2008 top draft pick. Unfortunately he plays first base. Unless Abner Doubleday’s desires were misinterpreted in the rules, the Reds can only field one First Baseman and that is Joey Votto.

Votto could move to Left Field, where there is an opening but he doesn’t want to do that.

I suggest they get out their 2010 Reds Media Guide and turn to the page that covers the 1975 Reds. Pete Rose, unselfishly, and for the betterment of the team moved from Left Field to Third Base to make room for George Foster. And the rest, as they say is HISTORY!!!

I already miss the selflessness of the Olympic athletes. There is a story buried on page C4 about two US Bobsledders that are joining the Army to serve their country.

Today’s coddled, boorish, pro athletes could learn a lesson from the past and the present.

The 1975 BIG RED MACHINE

March 1, 2010 - Olympics Blackout

Good News.

I'm Back.

I took a self imposed break from blogging during the Olympics. The Ice Dancing was just "too intense" and I couldn't focus.

Stay tuned. I've got some pent up Peeves and Funnies.