February 29, 2008 - Friday Funny - Wife Joke

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part........... :

"Only when he's been drinking."

February 27, 2008 - Carew Climb Update

The 2008 Carew Climb was held this past Sunday, February 24, 2008.

The “Climb the Carew” is a 45-floor, stair climb at the Carew Tower in downtown Cincinnati, Ohio. The proceeds from “Climb the Carew” aid the American Lung Association. The pledges fund research for better treatments, education to reduce the impact of respiratory illness, and support for people with lung disease and their loved ones.

This was the third year for the event and my second year to Captain a team.

Last year, our team had 4 members and we raised $1,046. This year we had eight members and have raised over $1,342 so far. Pledges will be accepted until March 28th. Click on this link to donate to our team.

This year’s team, AARP-Lite Buckeyes, competed in the “Climb At Your Own Pace” division.

This year I placed 21st after finishing 90th last year. I was happy with these results given my excruciatingly painful toe surgery (at left) along with the added stress of captaining eight diverse, not dysfunctional, team members.

My finishing time could have been better if I hadn’t stopped to aid some fellow, fallen climbers. Apparently they were knocked aside by an ambitious climber whom they described as a “chicken-legged” man in “Partridge Family” shorts. Surveillance cameras were able to provide the picture on the right.

In a totally unrelated matter, my Brother in Law Michael, wins the “Comeback Climber of the Year” for improving his time by almost 2 minutes to finish 1st in our division.

My friend Greg wins the “Senior Climber of the Year” for placing 7th overall at the age of 52.

My sister, Jennifer, was the #2 female finisher and #9 overall. Her 15 year-old daughter, my niece, was our “Rookie of the Year” for raising $80.01 to finish one cent ahead of her Dad.

Other first year team members, Heidi, Joni, and Leah, completed the climb with great times that will be hard to beat next year. Their pledges helped place our team 8th overall in fundraising.

Thanks to all of our sponsors. Without you, this would just be an absurd way to get to a meeting on the 45th floor when the elevator isn’t working.

Below is our Team Photo.

From left to right: Greg, Sister Jennifer, Captain JJ, Heidi, Niece, Bro-in law Michael, Joni, and Leah

February 25, 2008 - PPM - Income Taxes

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is TAXES.

Today marks the anniversary of the ratification of the 16th Amendment to the Constitution in 1913. That Amendment gave Congress the power to levy and collect taxes on income. Since then the slope has gotten slippier (I know it’s not a word) and the paste is out of the tube. In other words, it’s doubtful Income Taxes will get repealed like Slavery (13th Amendment) and Prohibition (21st Amendment).

Now the Democratic frontrunner wants to declare a class war on the “rich” and raise their taxes. Never mind, that if you don’t feel you are paying your fair share, you can always pay more.

Shouldn't the below bar graph be flat? Why do certain people pay a LARGER PERCENTAGE?

But our politicians need BILLIONS of more dollars to pay for their PET PROJECTS. The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, But let’s put it into perspective:

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion days ago no one walked on the earth on two feet.

A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

Some politicians have no concept of a BILLION. Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), asked Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?

If you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.

Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.

Here are some of the taxes we now pay:

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Perm it Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fe e Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and one parent stayed home to raise the kids.

It’s time to scrap the INCOME TAX model and convert our system to a FAIR TAX or CONSUMPTION TAX system.

The Fair Tax will abolish all federal income taxes, death taxes, capital gains taxes, payroll taxes and the IRS. It would establish a 23% national retail sales tax. Americans would be taxed on what they spend, not what they earn. Citizens and businesses would not file tax returns; however, businesses would file sales tax returns.

An important feature of the Fair Tax legislation is the prebate: the federal government would send a monthly check to all households of citizens (sorry, legal citizens only) that equals the estimated monthly Fair Tax that a family earning at the federal poverty level would pay. The amount a household receives depends on its family size. So, a family living at poverty level income would essentially pay no federal tax.

To learn more, visit this site.

February 22, 2008 - Friday Funny - Cancer

This week's Friday Funny comes courtesy of Jeff K.

February 20, 2008 - WATN - Kennesaw Mountain Landis

This week’s WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WEDNESDAY (WATN) is Kennesaw Mountain Landis.

Besides having a cool name, Landis was the first Baseball Commissioner. He served as Commissioner from 1920-1944. He is credited with cleaning up baseball after the 1919 Black Sox scandal.

If Landis were around today, we wouldn’t have had the Roger Clemens Circus in Congress last week. Really, with the Iraq War, the price of oil, and other crisis and calamities, should Congress be hosting a BASEBALL INTERVENTION?

Current MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is a disgrace. He was a joke as a used car dealer, before he bought the Milwaukee Brewers and parlayed that into the job as MLB commissioner.

As an employee of the owners, Bud has provided a great return on investment for the current owners. But at what cost?

Under his reign:

- The greatest Hitter of ALL-TIME, Pete Rose will never be in the Hall of Fame.

- The greatest Home Run hitter of ALL-TIME, Barry Bonds, will never be in the Hall of Fame.

- The greatest Pitcher of the MODERN ERA, Roger Clemens, will never be in the Hall of Fame.

NICE LEGACY, BUD!!!

During the Congressional hearings last week, Roger Clemens testified that it was his wife that used Human Growth Hormones (HGH).

We know where the bus stops in Roger’s world. Right on top of his wife. I found the below picture of the Mr. And Mrs. Clemens.

I believe Mrs. Clemens did take a full dose of HGH along with a side of Silicone. If HGH has this effect on middle age women, then Jenny Craig will be in Chapter 11 faster than Evelyn Wood.

My Where Are They Now Wednesday? (WATN) is the strong business and moral leader for America’s pastime. Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio, or in this case, Kennesaw Mountain Landis?

February 18, 2008 - No PPM - Happy President's Day

In keeping with past Holiday Mondays, there will be NO PET PEEVE MONDAY this week.

In honor of President’s Day, the picture below is of the Presidential Mascot race that happens at Washington Nationals baseball games. No word as to when the Bill Clinton Mascot would be able to participate given his "sexual predator" status.

The Presidents Mascot race is a take-off of the Sausage Mascot races from the Milwaukee Brewers. All though not an original idea, I like it.

I only wish my hometown team, the Cincinnati Reds, would do something this interesting. The Reds have an animated Mascot race on the Jumbo-Tron.

Remember this is NOT a PEEVE, because it is a Holiday. It is only a suggestion.

February 15, 2008 - Friday Funny - Sign of the Times

If I ever start a career in Sign Making ....

February 11, 2008 - PPM - UNRIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is the UNRIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION people generate to distract from the facts and to divert attention to them.

Last month, the Golf Channel host Kelly Tilghman’s used the word “lynch” to describe how young players could challenge Tiger Woods. The Reverend Al Sharpton immediately said HE (Tilghman) should be fired. Sharpton, always quick to throw gas on something that isn’t a fire, failed to realize that Tilghman was a woman. Prior to that, Tiger Woods stated that he personally knew Tilghman and was not offended. I doubt Sharpton could find the Golf Channel on his TV given a reference card and a fully charged remote. Sharpton is a SERIAL UNRIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION OFFENDER.

The latest uproar over a silly announcer’s attempt at humor was when MSNBC reporter David Shuster asked a guest on February 7th's "Tucker" program, "Doesn't it seem like Chelsea's sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of way?" It was in response to the heightened public presence Hillary’s daughter had taken in the campaign.

The Clinton campaign claimed foul loud and long enough that MSNBC suspended Shuster for his remarks. Had there been a primary that day, I sure Hillary could have produced some crocodile tears.

Ironically, it came to light this past weekend that Chelsea was courting a 21-year-old college Junior in Wisconsin. She flew in to have a one-on-one breakfast with Jason Roe. Roe is not just any other student, he is a Super Delegate. He is one of the 796 free agents that are the hidden gold in this year’s Democratic primary.

There is no way that asking your daughter to woo a college junior male should be considered PIMPING. (Sarcasm Font)

I guess if Jason were a woman, Hillary would have sent Bill in to close the deal given his proclivity for 21-year-old women.

I readily admit that I have PIMPED my children when necessary. I have them dress up in their Girl or Boy Scout uniforms when hawking their cookies or popcorn. I had a friend that would pinch his kids to make them cry when pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. He hoped the police would only give him a warning given the howling of the children. Was that PIMPING, child abuse, or creative thinking? I guess it depends if you are paying the ticket.

When I performed additional research for this blog, and I always do, I looked up the word: PROSTITUTE.

When PROSTITUTE is used a verb it means, “to put to an unworthy use, to prostitute one’s talents.”

So if Mr. Shuster had said that Hillary was prostituting Chelsea, it would have been more factually correct.

February 8, 2008 - Friday Funny - Old Super Heros

It was just another day at the Old Super Heros' Home.

February 7, 2008 - Carew Climb 2008

As you fill out your 2007 taxes, you wonder:

Why didn’t I donate more to charity in 2007?
How do I lessen my 2008 Tax Liability?
Does the IRS ever check on these deductions? (turns out, they do)

Last year, many of you donated money to the American Lung Association by sponsoring me in the “Climb the Carew.” The “Climb the Carew”is a 45-floor, stair climb at the Carew Tower in downtown Cincinnati, Ohio. This year’s event is on Sunday, February 24, 2008.

To pledge your support, please visit MY SITE at the American Lung Association of Ohio.

If you are really motivated, you can join our climbing team. We already have 2 new members and are looking to recruit more.

My participation in the event will help the American Lung Association in their work to eradicate lung diseases such as asthma, lung cancer, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD, emphysema and chronic bronchitis), cystic fibrosis and many others.

The proceeds from “Climb the Carew” will fund research for better treatments, education to reduce the impact of respiratory illness and support for people with lung disease and their loved ones.

For those who sponsored me in 2007. THANK YOU.

Where are the rest of you on this cause? Are you Pro-Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease?

My goal last year was to raise a total $804. That was $1 for each step I climbed for better lung health. Thanks to your supoort, I ended up 5th in fundraising with $950. As for the climb, I placed 90th out of 429 climbers by completing the ascent in 8:34.

My training is going well after my toe surgery. If you missed my post surgery photos, vist my December 8, 2007 blog.

Thank you in advance for your support.

February 4, 2008 - PPM - Political Endorsements

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY concerns POLITICAL ENDORSEMENTS.

Every day we are inundated with “NEWS” that someone “important” has endorsed a candidate.

The Hill.com lists which members of Congress support which candidates: Ted Kennedy is for Obama. Charles Schumer is for Hillary. Joseph Lieberman is for McCain. Orrin Hatch is for Mitt Romney. And Ron Paul is for, well, Ron Paul.

It is even worse when a “Hollywood type” endorses a politician. There has been incredible backlash reported from the Oprah endorsement of Obama. The candidates are lining up for that important Britney Spears endorsement. It’s too bad that Dennis Kucinich got out of the race.

You know what all of these people have in common? They all get ONE VOTE. Why should their opinion count? Why should we care?

I’m actually more likely NOT to vote for someone who has been endorsed by Ted Kennedy (at right).

I love the fact that both Republican Senators from Maine (Snowe and Collins) endorsed John McCain yet Romney beat McCain 52% to 27% in the Maine Carcass (caucus) this past weekend.

Knowing that I am somewhat knowledgeable on the issues and the candidates, people have sought my counsel on the choices still available. I tell them to make up their own minds.

I also direct them to the VAJoe.com web site. This site allows you to enter your position on 24 key issues. It then generates a ranked list of what candidates are aligned with your views.

It includes the top issues like:
- Abortion
- Iraq War
- Universal Health Care
- Same Sex Marriage
- Gun Background Checks

It also includes non-mainstream issues like the Kyoto Protocol, Internet Neutrality, and No Child Left Behind. If you are unsure your stand on the issue, it will provide you more information to provide an informed choice. If you are still unclear you can simply state “Unsure.”

Surely it is better to form an opinion about candidates based upon the relevant issues, then to choose a candidate because you like Chuck Norris movies.

I suggest we should enact a law that if you tell us who you are voting for, you no longer get to vote. It is supposed to be a private process. Let’s keep it that way.

February 1, 2008 - Friday Funny - Drunk Mowing

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from the Associated Press last Tuesday:

ADRIAN, Mich.—A man was charged with drunken driving after going through two bottles of wine, cutting through a snowstorm on his lawn mower and riding down the center of the street to reach a liquor store, authorities said.

Police found Frank Kozumplik, 49, homeward bound on a John Deere tractor Saturday night, toting four bottles of wine in a paper bag, officials said.

He told officers that his wife had taken their car to work, and that the mower was the only way he could reach the store, two miles from home.

His blood alcohol level was 2 1/2 times Michigan's legal driving limit of 0.08 percent, police told WLEN-FM. They arrested him and confiscated the mower.Kozumplik declined to comment last night.

Only in Michigan.