Jan. 29, 2010 - Friday Funny - How Fights Get Started

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY comes from a relative in Ohio.

How Fights Get Started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started......

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, ' Dust.'

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ' I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed,"He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Jan. 25, 2010 - PPM - Airline (In-) Security

This week's PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is Airline Security.

It seems like it should be a Jerry Seinfeld monologue. “What is it with these Airline Security rules?”

Someone tries to light their Nike’s – EVERYONE must take off their shoes.

Someone fiddles with their underwear under a blanket while flying into Detroit on Christmas - no blankets or bathroom breaks the last hour of the flight.

I wonder what would happen if a female terrorists try to sneak a bomb in her bra. What will happen when some enterprising terrorist decides to hide liquid explosives in a body cavity? Do we now fly nude or wearing only a paper gown? Are TSA proctologists that far fetched of an idea?

Here is the future of acceptable airline attire. YIKES!!!

I used to love international travel. I had been to over 25 countries, prior to 9-11. Since then, I have traveled to Canada and France.

I don’t fear for my life by traveling. I hate the inconvenience of flying. I hate the indignity of having to take off my shoes. I hate the fact that I have to be patted down, have been questioned, and have been unnecessarily delayed. Exactly how many blond haired, blue-eyed terrorists have we experienced?

Screw the racial profiling argument. If Nordics were attacking America, I would be the first to get in line to be searched.

While many claim the “Christmas Bomber” was a failure, actually it was a great success. Al Qaeda succeeded in scaring everyone into over-reacting and throwing our airline security system into a frenzy, AGAIN.

The monetary loss of myself and others that have given up flying because of the inconvenience can not be accurately estimated.

The late George Carlin used to joke about “Airport Security.” He had a great line: “I’m tired of someone with a double digit IQ and triple digit income going through my carry-on luggage.” George is rolling over laughing (and probably smoking a fat one) in his grave.

I always loved the three questions they ask you at the airline ticket counter:

1. Did you pack your bags yourself?

2. Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?

3. Have any unknown person asked you to take someone on board?

I wonder how many possible terrorists have been tripped up by this intense line of questioning.

We need a common sense approach to airline security, before EVERYONE gives up and stops flying.

Jan. 22, 2010 - Dude Liberty

I went to Subway today to “Eat Fresh.” I ran into Lady Liberty that actually turned out to be “Dude Liberty.”

He is the official mascot for Liberty Tax Services. He stands out on the street waving, trying to coax people to use their services to file your taxes. I don't know about you but I usually don't carry my financial records, W-2's, 1099's, and such with me when I go to lunch.

Turns out he knows nothing of the Internal Revenue Code or FASB #13. He isn’t even an accounting apprentice. He plays Scooby Doo at Kings Island and does this in the off-season.

Somedays, I DO have too much time on my hands.

Jan. 22, 2010 - Friday Funny - Tiger Shark Sighting

Wow - we went two months wondering "Where was Tiger Woods?"

Now he shows up twice in one week.

First at a "Sexual Addiction" clinic in Mississippi. You know nothing says "a place of recovery" like Hattiesburg, Mississippi.

Tiger was also photographed along the Gulf Coast. Warning - Tiger Shark!!!

Jan. 18, 2010 - PPM - Haitian Media Coverage

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY (PPM) is about the earthquake in Haiti or as one network has dubbed it: “Horror in Haiti". Why do networks need a tag phrase usually an alliteration, to describe every news story that will dominate more than one news cycle?

But that is not my PEEVE.

My PEEVE is that the numerous, and I mean numerous, networks all reported that medical personnel and relief assistance could not get into Haiti because of the limited space at the Port-au-Prince airport. I know first hand that a local “Doctors Without Borders” organization was held up in Miami because of the congested tarmac in Haiti.

NBC had Brian Williams and his team reporting from Haiti on Friday. On Saturday, NBC had 7 other reporters including the weekend anchor, Lester Holt, on the story. Williams had gone home as it was weekend and all. It you take NBC’s reporters, staff, and technicians and multiply it by CBS, ABC, CNN, FOX NEWS, MSNBC, not to mention the “foreign” press, you can see why there wasn’t any room at the airport.

Why not have one limited “pool” set of reporters and let the specialists in to do their jobs. I wonder how much additional pain and suffering was caused (and subsequently filmed) because of the media’s maniacal manifestation of malfeasance. (Put that in the corner of your TV Screen, Mr. Producer.)

If it bleeds it leads. I wonder how you say that in Creole?

Jan. 16, 2010 - Thanks to ALL Vets

Today would have been my Father-in-law's 97th birthday. He died last spring and was a WWII veteran. The below message was forwarded to me and is dedicated to my late Father-in-law.

At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded "does that include those who are buried here? DeGualle did not respond.

You could have heard a pin drop.

When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

Robert Whiting , an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

I am proud to be an AMERICAN.

Jan. 15, 2010 - Friday Funny - Husband of the Year

This week's FRIDAY FUNNY is the "Husband of the Year" Award.

My wife recently told me I should get an award as the husband of the year. I didn't know what she meant until I reviewed the other candidates.

Candidate #1

Candidate #2

Candidate #3

If I don't get the award this year, there is satisfaction that I will always be a "TROPHY HUSBAND".

;-)

Jan. 14, 2010 - Tea Party

The First Amendment is 45 words; the Lord’s Prayer is 66 words; the Gettysburg Address is 286 words. There are 1322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but the government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words...and the current administration thinks we need more government.

I was invited by a friend to attend a Tea Party tonight. I usually don't drink Tea after 5 p.m. because it keeps me up late, but I think I'll make an exception.

Jan. 11, 2010 - PPM - Broken Promises

This week's Pet Peeve Monday is the continued BROKEN PROMISES from our leader.

This video shows President Obama making a promise about the ability to see the Health Care Debate on C-Span 8 separate times.

I have 17 TVs in my house. I get DirecTV, cable, and streaming internet. I can't seem to locate the Open Debate.

It must be on a Pay-Per-View porn channel because I think we are getting screwed.

Jan. 8, 2010 - Friday Funny - New Year - New Outlook

HOW TO START 2010 WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it ‘Barack Obama’.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you:

‘Do you really want to get rid of ‘Barack Obama?’

6. Firmly Click ‘Yes.’

7. Feel better?

GOOD! – Tomorrow we’ll do Harry Reid.

Jan. 8, 2010 - The Hypocrite in Chief

It is being reported that President Obama's decided to forgive Harry Reid's remarks about Obama's skin color and lack of a "Negro dialect." Interesting. See what Obama said about Trent Lott in 2002:

Illinois Senator Barack Obama (D-13th), who hosted WVON's Cliff Kelley Show, challenged the Republican Party to repudiate Lott's remarks and to call for his resignation as senate leader.

"It seems to be that we can forgive a 100-year-old senator for some of the indiscretion of his youth, but, what is more difficult to forgive is the current president of the U.S. Senate (Lott) suggesting we had been better off if we had followed a segregationist path in this country after all of the battles and fights for civil rights and all the work that we still have to do," said Obama.

He said: "The Republican Party itself has to drive out Trent Lott. If they have to stand for something, they have to stand up and say this is not the person we want representing our party."

--From the December 12, 2002 issue of the Chicago Defender.

Who will drive out Harry Reid? The Nevada electorate next November.

BTW - I'm sure Obama's (and Clinton's) speech to the NAACP convention from the 2008 campaign trail will be replayed on the Limbaugh or Hannity show on Monday. Listen closely to the invoked dialect. It's offensive.

Hail to the Hypocrite In Chief.

Jan. 7, 2010 - Christmas 2009 is CLOSED

It’s snowing crazy outside so I thought I would CLOSE OUT the 2009 Christmas books. The Christmas Box has been taken down and the stockings are stowed for another year.

The last item was to log the Christmas Cards received into my Microsoft Access Christmas Database. Each year, I total what was sent and received. From this data accumulation, I’m able to formulate opinions about human nature and predict coming trends. Here is this year’s summary:

85 - Number of cards sent

My cards are personally signed and include the Lewis Annual Report. The “Report” is an eight-page, multi-colored summary of the year in review. This year’s version had 12 pictures and a couple of hyperlinks.

56 - Number of cards received

But, let’s take the analysis to another level.

19 – cards were personally signed only (no message, picture, or letter)
6 – cards were personally signed and included a message
6 – cards were personally signed and included a XMAS letter
7 – cards were signed by a computer (no message, picture, or letter)
9 – unsigned picture postcards
5 – signed picture postcards (no message)
2 – signed picture postcard with XMAS letter
1 – true postcard without envelope (picture was from their summer vacation)
1 – electronic card via email in a pdf format

Other interesting facts:

7 – cards were from people that I did not have in my database
1 – signed card came with illegible handwriting and no return address (it’s the thought, I guess.)

I usually receive a few more cards in mid-January as people feel the guilt for receiving and not giving.

My favorite delivery was an unsigned picture postcard. However, scrawled on the back of the envelope was the following message: “JJ – You’ll probably notice that one of the family is missing. Tough year!”

I opened the card and noticed that the wife/mother was not in the picture. I immediately put on Fox News to see if any other white women were missing besides the one in Utah. Nope. I now start to think the worst, death. I finally call my buddy and what a relief.

His wife just went through a mid-life crisis and left him for a younger man. It was just a divorce – what a relief. Although, next year I have to send 86 cards. I can’t catch a break.