March 16 - MY MARCH MADNESS

OK, OK, I get it. I’ve had a lot of emails the past 2 weeks because of my lack of blog posts.

I was NOT on vacation.

I was NOT in jail.

I was NOT in the Bahamas helping with the burial of Anna Nicole or filing for custody of Danny-lynn.

I was dealing with a health care scare. A close relative needed a heart stent after an angiogram indicated some artery blockage.

Being close in age and heritage, I was encouraged to get a check-up.

Using my marital contacts and the United States’ advanced health care system, I attempted to discover the status of my own health.

In the last nine days, I have:

• Had my arm stuck by a needle nine times


• Had blood samples drawn three times


• Peed in a cup twice


• Had my chest hair shaved in a pattern resembling crop circles


• Sat motionless in a Nuclear medicine apparatus for twenty minutes twice


• Performed a Stress Test that most decathletes would refuse


• Had radioactive toxins injected into my system 4 times


• Had a medium size finger indicate that they were number #1 and thrust into my #2 area


• Fasted until well past noon on four of the nine days


• Answered the SAME basic health history questions five times, what is wrong with putting bacon bits on your breakfast cereal anyway?


• Had my “carpet” shaved as if hard wood floors should only be in half of the house

The end result was the picture below.

Although it may look like the microscopic presence of hair follicle split ends, it actually illustrates:

I had a FALSE POSITIVE EKG test
I had a FALSE POSITIVE failed stress test
I DO NOT HAVE artery blockage

“False Positives” is a term that has NO value or use, especially in the medical field. Why not just say, “My Bad.”

ALL of my arteries, coronaries, and subsequent corollaries are clean and clear.

As my wife was watching the angiogram in real time, I thought I saw a tear in her eye representing releif that everything was OK. However, I then wondered if it may have been a tear of disappointment that I would be around for a while, and that the lottery may be a better chance of paying off than my life insurance.

She cleared up any doubt by claiming it was allergies.

Per the Doctor’s instructions, I can continue “normal” activity in three days. That includes blogging. Welcome to MY MARCH MADNESS.

I could have used my PET PEEVE MONDAY to address the mind-less redundancies of our current health care system. Instead, I think I will take the weekend to enjoy my clean bill of health.

Cheers.