December 4 - Pet Peeve Monday - Inappropriate Gifts

This week’s PET PEEVE MONDAY is about Inappropriate Gift Giving. As we head into the Christmas season it appears to be quite timely.

This past Thanksgiving we started a new tradition within my extended family. I have three siblings and we have a total of 11 kids between us. Rather than send gifts from city to city throughout the year, we exchange all children birthday presents on Thanksgiving. Logistically, I’m OK with this new practice, if you get by my PET PEEVE about children birthday parties in general. But I’ll save that PET PEEVE for a later date.

This week’s PET PEEVE is for what a certain aunt (my sister) thinks are “appropriate gifts” for my kids.

First, my eight–year old has an artistic gene. She received a gift that involves dropping paint onto a spinning wheel. The paint makes an interesting kaleidoscope pattern on the paper. The wheel also plays music at the same time. The result should look something like a Jackson Pollock piece. Here’s the catch, if you tilt the spinner, the paint will also coat the walls, the floor, the dog, the table, and the artist. This is more like the splatter evidence from a CSI episode. And why do you need music? If this toy was invented in the 60’s it would have had LSD as an add-on accessory.

Her second gift for my six-year old boy was a construction kit with 480 small pieces. It was like the old erector sets only the pieces are all molded plastics. I guess the 1000 piece set was out of stock. The gift came with a 40-page instruction book on how to make boats, cars, helicopters, and various guns, (which are forbidden in our house). Here’s the problem, my son cannot read. The detailed instructions look like the blueprints for the space shuttle design. You also cannot assemble anything without adult help because the parts do not go together without brute strength. Additionally the parts must seem somewhat tasty because I have to perform the Heineken maneuver on my small dog whenever he chokes on piece #436.

Nice gifts, sis, I guess they were sold out of the board game, “Brokeback Mountain –the Home Game.”

But with Christmas coming, I am now in search of the perfect toy to reciprocate.

This toy should have the following characteristics:

• It should take 2 AA and one AAA, and a battery size that is out of stock.


• It should have over 1000 small pieces, many of them, moving pieces


• It should make noise; preferably at two levels. One sound should mimic the high shrill of fingernails on a chalkboard. Another sound should only be heard by dogs and water moccasins.


• It should give off a malodorous odor; or of something that my kids are allergic to, like dust or cats.


• It should require constant maintenance like watering or winding.


• It should be something that looks edible, but would require you to induce projectile vomiting if swallowed.


• It should be the subject of a recent recall because of spontaneous combustion issues.

Here’s a thought, how about giving my kids something useful like clothes. They are growing so fast, this is what they could use. Or what ever happened to good old US Savings Bonds. That’s what I received as a kid and look how I turned out. However, the best thing you can give your nieces and nephews is memories.

I still recall how Uncle Jake pulled up his shirt and showed me where he had his moles taken off. Now that is a memory that is timeless and priceless.

Six year old Jack and his choked-up dog, Brutus.